"G?"
My ate texted me Monday morning. I was at my grandparent's place then. Doing research and reading blogs. But mostly the latter.
"Yes?" I replied.
"Kat already has a bf...I'm sad." She continued.
When they broke up I advised her that she stop communicating but knowing her stubborn ways, she continued to contact her.
So I was not able to provide a reply immediately. I thought of ways on how to respond on a euphemistic perspective.
"Well that is normal. We have to be happy for them. At least you had beautiful moments with her too."
"Help me better, G."
Here comes my ate again. I don't know if it's just me but texts like these irks me because it portrays helplessness.
I can still remember my breakups. No one was mostly there to comfort me. I had myself. Only myself. I chose not to involve friends with my drama. And most definitely not my family and relatives.
I blogged, fooled around, religiously went to the gym, jogged, read books, distracted myself with work.
The bottom line is that I helped myself.
I could have replied like "Stop feeling helpless" or "You know everyone has ways to make themselves better". But being a sibling, I could feel for her.
"Ate, we can only do so much to help you. It will be up to you to get better or always go back to the past.:)"
"Yes, you are right. I want to get better and that you know I am helping myself."
"That is good to know. You know breakups are never easy. So take your time and don't hasten up finding someone again."
"Yes, G. It's never too easy."
"Of course and it is best not to communicate with her for now. That is the most advisable thing to do."
That is what I am doing. As in. I want that."
"That is good to know, ate."
"Please help, ha?"
"Always remember that you are not helpless, okay?"
"Yes, I am not."
"Then you will be fine in God's time, ate."
"Yes G. I will be. Thanks. It will mean a lot to me."
"Welcome and no problem."
Life is all about finding happiness, one find theirs more quickly than others.
Part 2
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
My Story
It has been a long time since I posted here. How I have missed it. Everything has been crazy lately with all the work, training and school. It's difficult to juggle all of these. Add a little lovelife to spice things up.
Yes boys and girls, I have been committed for more than a month now. He means the world to me. We met through that little, wonderful world of Hornet, and the rest as they say, is history.
Work has been fairly well. Forever graveyard as we call it but hey, it has its advantages like no traffic and no rush hour. It has its pros and cons just like every work.
Training, on the other hand, has been quite intense lately. I plan to do a triathlon in two years' time and building up endurance for now. I lift weights three times a week, jog or swim once a week. Crazy.
P.S. I have yet to purchase a bike and train.
Congratulations to me for more than a year of being a lacto-ovo-vegetarian! I couldn't be any happier with the results. People ask me how I do it. I tell them it's a lot of will power and discipline. The good thing is that people are actually willing to try.
School is a problem though. I dropped one of my two subjects for the realistic reason that I cannot go to school and work for two nights in a row. Coming from UST to Bonifacio Global City is stressful, to say the least. It's something that hopefully I can fix by next semester.
I haven't gone out lately. Heck, it has been months since I went clubbing. I have truly missed it. The last time I went out was with a friend and Nishiboy, who, by the way, was still non-committed. I miss the lights, the sound, the people. Damn, I want to go out soon!
I am not updated in the blogosphere. I don't know who slept with who or who did who or who is dating who. Haha! Of course I love gossip! The juicier and meatier, the better.
With all that has happened to the people in the Visayas region, I felt there was a need to help them in any way possible. I recently flew to Cebu to donate and volunteer. I was unable to help with the repacking as they were still awaiting the 'go' signal. Logistics has been a problem lately. I'll check if there are still other organizations needing help.
I also wanted to help with the debriefing of these people. Now, more than ever, people not only need physical needs but emotional as well. What they went through is really tough.
Amidst all of these, I am still happy. It may be hectic and stressful and tough and draining but I feel more alive than ever.
Better than ever.
Yes boys and girls, I have been committed for more than a month now. He means the world to me. We met through that little, wonderful world of Hornet, and the rest as they say, is history.
Work has been fairly well. Forever graveyard as we call it but hey, it has its advantages like no traffic and no rush hour. It has its pros and cons just like every work.
Training, on the other hand, has been quite intense lately. I plan to do a triathlon in two years' time and building up endurance for now. I lift weights three times a week, jog or swim once a week. Crazy.
P.S. I have yet to purchase a bike and train.
Congratulations to me for more than a year of being a lacto-ovo-vegetarian! I couldn't be any happier with the results. People ask me how I do it. I tell them it's a lot of will power and discipline. The good thing is that people are actually willing to try.
School is a problem though. I dropped one of my two subjects for the realistic reason that I cannot go to school and work for two nights in a row. Coming from UST to Bonifacio Global City is stressful, to say the least. It's something that hopefully I can fix by next semester.
I haven't gone out lately. Heck, it has been months since I went clubbing. I have truly missed it. The last time I went out was with a friend and Nishiboy, who, by the way, was still non-committed. I miss the lights, the sound, the people. Damn, I want to go out soon!
I am not updated in the blogosphere. I don't know who slept with who or who did who or who is dating who. Haha! Of course I love gossip! The juicier and meatier, the better.
With all that has happened to the people in the Visayas region, I felt there was a need to help them in any way possible. I recently flew to Cebu to donate and volunteer. I was unable to help with the repacking as they were still awaiting the 'go' signal. Logistics has been a problem lately. I'll check if there are still other organizations needing help.
I also wanted to help with the debriefing of these people. Now, more than ever, people not only need physical needs but emotional as well. What they went through is really tough.
Amidst all of these, I am still happy. It may be hectic and stressful and tough and draining but I feel more alive than ever.
Better than ever.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Of Saints and Sinners
"And?" I was baffled.
"And because he had sponsors."
"Are you serious?"
I looked at his friends' calm reaction.
They knew.
"So let me get this straight, aside from his wife and kids, and you, he also has sponsors?"
"Yes. Two actually. A COO from a private hospital and a Dean from a university."
"And that is totally fine with you?"
"You know, G, at first it was not. Not at all. I nearly begged off our relationship. But I thought about it and looked from his perspective. It's not so bad. I guess. I mean the sponsors are actually a bit old. about 50 plus already." Michael continued while I gazed into his eyes trying to observe further his reactions. "The way I see it, since they're older, I don't think I need to be jealous."
His answer was direct, blunt. He must have thought it through a lot of times.
"So your time from him is 6 to 9pm. When does he meet his 'sponsors?'" I quote-unquoted in mid-air.
"If I call him in the morning, about until 5pm, and he does not answer. I know he is with one of them."
"Man, that is complicated Michael. I swear."
"So what was the string that pulled everything?"
"One day I just realized..." He took a deep breath. "...that I couldn't be his other option anymore."
And those were the words - an option.
"I stopped communicating from texts to calls to social networking sites. I stopped everything."
"Like what I said earlier, there was no closure. I couldn't face him anymore."
"I see."
"It was painful, G. There were nights I couldn't sleep and there were times I just wanted to sleep all day."
"Of course Michael. Six years is six years. A partner is a partner."
Silence surrounded the living room area.
"But that was months ago, nearly a year. I have moved on G."
I wanted to believe him, I really do. But his words, they speak of hurt, of ongoing process.
Of a still open wound.
"So...what if, hypothetically, you accidentally see him and his wife together in a mall, would you go to him and greet him?"
"No."
"I thought you have moved on, Michael?" I interrupted.
He fell silent. A dead one.
"You're contradicting your statements." I told him.
He smiled weakly to me.
And then I smiled back.
And finally finished the Tanduay Ice I was drinking.
Part 3
"And because he had sponsors."
"Are you serious?"
I looked at his friends' calm reaction.
They knew.
"So let me get this straight, aside from his wife and kids, and you, he also has sponsors?"
"Yes. Two actually. A COO from a private hospital and a Dean from a university."
"And that is totally fine with you?"
"You know, G, at first it was not. Not at all. I nearly begged off our relationship. But I thought about it and looked from his perspective. It's not so bad. I guess. I mean the sponsors are actually a bit old. about 50 plus already." Michael continued while I gazed into his eyes trying to observe further his reactions. "The way I see it, since they're older, I don't think I need to be jealous."
His answer was direct, blunt. He must have thought it through a lot of times.
"So your time from him is 6 to 9pm. When does he meet his 'sponsors?'" I quote-unquoted in mid-air.
"If I call him in the morning, about until 5pm, and he does not answer. I know he is with one of them."
"Man, that is complicated Michael. I swear."
"So what was the string that pulled everything?"
"One day I just realized..." He took a deep breath. "...that I couldn't be his other option anymore."
And those were the words - an option.
"I stopped communicating from texts to calls to social networking sites. I stopped everything."
"Like what I said earlier, there was no closure. I couldn't face him anymore."
"I see."
"It was painful, G. There were nights I couldn't sleep and there were times I just wanted to sleep all day."
"Of course Michael. Six years is six years. A partner is a partner."
Silence surrounded the living room area.
"But that was months ago, nearly a year. I have moved on G."
I wanted to believe him, I really do. But his words, they speak of hurt, of ongoing process.
Of a still open wound.
"So...what if, hypothetically, you accidentally see him and his wife together in a mall, would you go to him and greet him?"
"No."
"I thought you have moved on, Michael?" I interrupted.
He fell silent. A dead one.
"You're contradicting your statements." I told him.
He smiled weakly to me.
And then I smiled back.
And finally finished the Tanduay Ice I was drinking.
Part 3
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Of Saints And Sinners
As the night slowly spread more, his story did too.
"He had always been there for me, G. Everytime I needed him, he was there. I think I could not have asked for more."
"But doesn't it bother you that he comes home to his wife and kids after you?"
"At least I know that for our time together, we are happy."
I sighed with exasperation. Here I am trying to understand his point of view, albeit seeing differently, the loser's point of view. Yet, he sees his situation, their situation as if it was the best.
In his eyes, he was the winner. No competition.
"There was a time we were nearly caught. That, I think, was one of the testaments of how strong our relationship is."
"What happened?" I asked with worry.
"He was at our house and his sister came in unexpectedly because obviously there were already doubts coming from his wife." He told us. "We were cuddling on bed when we heard loud knocks on the door."
I changed my sitting position. I felt tense.
"I asked who it was and his sister answered. I panicked a little and told him to hide in my closet. My room was dark and the bag that he used, which was lying on the floor was dark-colored, so his bag was unnoticeable. I am sure his sister was not able to notice it. That was a relief." He continued.
"I hurriedly opened the door and acted as if I had just woken up. 'Hey, just woke up. What is it?' I asked his sister. "I was trying to hide my fear, G."
She told me that his brother is missing and that his wife asked me to check if he is here.
"My fear rose, G. I swear. The fact that the wife actually thought that he's here at home with me alarmed me." Michael shifted positions on his seat. "I told her that Choi did not drop by here and I haven't seen him for a while. However, she insisted."
I held his friend's hand. My date.
Michael anxiously got his phone to call Choi upon the sister's insistence...
"Hay, G! Thankfully it was on silent! It nearly gave me a heart attack! Imagine if it rang in his pocket while hiding in my closet. After a few rings I handed it to her to make sure that no one was picking it up!"
"What happened next?!" I asked.
"She apologized and left."
"You really love him, do you Michael?"
"For nearly six years G. I didn't even think of how complicated our set-up was if not for how he made me happy."
"What made you decide to end it?" I asked again wanting to know more.
"I only decided to end it. But he still does text me, asking me to meet him again..."
"And?"
Part 2
"He had always been there for me, G. Everytime I needed him, he was there. I think I could not have asked for more."
"But doesn't it bother you that he comes home to his wife and kids after you?"
"At least I know that for our time together, we are happy."
I sighed with exasperation. Here I am trying to understand his point of view, albeit seeing differently, the loser's point of view. Yet, he sees his situation, their situation as if it was the best.
In his eyes, he was the winner. No competition.
"There was a time we were nearly caught. That, I think, was one of the testaments of how strong our relationship is."
"What happened?" I asked with worry.
"He was at our house and his sister came in unexpectedly because obviously there were already doubts coming from his wife." He told us. "We were cuddling on bed when we heard loud knocks on the door."
I changed my sitting position. I felt tense.
"I asked who it was and his sister answered. I panicked a little and told him to hide in my closet. My room was dark and the bag that he used, which was lying on the floor was dark-colored, so his bag was unnoticeable. I am sure his sister was not able to notice it. That was a relief." He continued.
"I hurriedly opened the door and acted as if I had just woken up. 'Hey, just woke up. What is it?' I asked his sister. "I was trying to hide my fear, G."
She told me that his brother is missing and that his wife asked me to check if he is here.
"My fear rose, G. I swear. The fact that the wife actually thought that he's here at home with me alarmed me." Michael shifted positions on his seat. "I told her that Choi did not drop by here and I haven't seen him for a while. However, she insisted."
I held his friend's hand. My date.
Michael anxiously got his phone to call Choi upon the sister's insistence...
"Hay, G! Thankfully it was on silent! It nearly gave me a heart attack! Imagine if it rang in his pocket while hiding in my closet. After a few rings I handed it to her to make sure that no one was picking it up!"
"What happened next?!" I asked.
"She apologized and left."
"You really love him, do you Michael?"
"For nearly six years G. I didn't even think of how complicated our set-up was if not for how he made me happy."
"What made you decide to end it?" I asked again wanting to know more.
"I only decided to end it. But he still does text me, asking me to meet him again..."
"And?"
Part 2
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Of Saints and Sinners
It was a cold Sunday night...
"I found out two months after being committed. His wife just gave birth to his second child. A boy."
Michael, a new acquaintance, narrating his story. We all listened intently.
"And what did you do?" I quickly asked.
"I was in love. What can I do?" He replied.
"But he has wife and kids." I rebutted.
"That, that I accepted." He calmly said.
"Where'd you guys meet anyway?"
"We were working for a video store back then. Although he was working at a different branch. I didn't know he was like us, not only when I came back from my two-month vacation from Macau." He continued. "I told you guys, I was in love with him. He was sweet and nice and kind-hearted."
"How'd you guys find time for each other? I mean, isn't it hard competing for his time?"
"That was actually not a problem. We even saw each other daily. From 6pm to 9pm. He was mine. All mine. We were even legal in my family's eyes. Spending every time we can in my room."
"But in his side?"
"That's the thing, G. He introduced me to his wife and kids as his best friend. I remembered I even took care of everything once...from cleaning the house, washing their clothes, taking care of their babies, taking care of his mom. G, I was there. That is how I love him."
I looked at him and his expression: his narration speaks of hurt and acceptance at the same time.
Part 1
"I found out two months after being committed. His wife just gave birth to his second child. A boy."
Michael, a new acquaintance, narrating his story. We all listened intently.
"And what did you do?" I quickly asked.
"I was in love. What can I do?" He replied.
"But he has wife and kids." I rebutted.
"That, that I accepted." He calmly said.
"Where'd you guys meet anyway?"
"We were working for a video store back then. Although he was working at a different branch. I didn't know he was like us, not only when I came back from my two-month vacation from Macau." He continued. "I told you guys, I was in love with him. He was sweet and nice and kind-hearted."
"How'd you guys find time for each other? I mean, isn't it hard competing for his time?"
"That was actually not a problem. We even saw each other daily. From 6pm to 9pm. He was mine. All mine. We were even legal in my family's eyes. Spending every time we can in my room."
"But in his side?"
"That's the thing, G. He introduced me to his wife and kids as his best friend. I remembered I even took care of everything once...from cleaning the house, washing their clothes, taking care of their babies, taking care of his mom. G, I was there. That is how I love him."
I looked at him and his expression: his narration speaks of hurt and acceptance at the same time.
Part 1
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Of Relationship Dynamics
My ate and her girlfriend of 9 years broke up.
"She took her things." My ate told me when she went home last Monday.
"When?" I asked. I had just woken up from my sleep then.
"She left work early and got her things in the house. And then she texted me."
"Oh..." I was speechless.
For the first time in years.
"She said she fell out of love. That's what her text said." My ate continued.
Honestly, I could not think of anything to say to her. I could say "You'll get through it" or "It's going to be alright", but I couldn't. Theirs was different.
Gay and lesbian relationships are quite different, ours are more complicated.
So for the longest time that I had been hearing and experiencing heartbreaks from my gay friends and acquaintances...And let's not forget me. I could not really provide an advise because this is the first time I have encountered such.
Hearing her talk of her relationship fail, for the first time in nearly a decade, made me feel unusual. Unusual because I could not find the words on how to describe my feeling that moment.
I let my ate talk and vent out. That was the most rational thing to do. I can give her my insight and analysis but only if she asks. I do not question. I do not interrupt.
I was already preparing for work that night when she suddenly asked: "Will I be okay, G?"
"You're not right now, but you will be."
Part 1
"She took her things." My ate told me when she went home last Monday.
"When?" I asked. I had just woken up from my sleep then.
"She left work early and got her things in the house. And then she texted me."
"Oh..." I was speechless.
For the first time in years.
"She said she fell out of love. That's what her text said." My ate continued.
Honestly, I could not think of anything to say to her. I could say "You'll get through it" or "It's going to be alright", but I couldn't. Theirs was different.
Gay and lesbian relationships are quite different, ours are more complicated.
So for the longest time that I had been hearing and experiencing heartbreaks from my gay friends and acquaintances...And let's not forget me. I could not really provide an advise because this is the first time I have encountered such.
Hearing her talk of her relationship fail, for the first time in nearly a decade, made me feel unusual. Unusual because I could not find the words on how to describe my feeling that moment.
I let my ate talk and vent out. That was the most rational thing to do. I can give her my insight and analysis but only if she asks. I do not question. I do not interrupt.
I was already preparing for work that night when she suddenly asked: "Will I be okay, G?"
"You're not right now, but you will be."
Part 1
Monday, September 9, 2013
Missed Opportunities
"I'm sorry but I am not the man you used to know before."
Darwin and I were talking alongside each other on his bed.
"For years, G, I have liked this guy for years." He narrated it without hesitation.
"Yes we've had s*x but that was not why I tried to pursue him." He slowly looked at the ceiling.
I followed looking up as well. "So what happened?" I asked.
"I guess luck just was not on our side. I want to think it that way. The cut is shallower." He continued. "Every time he has a partner, I would be single. Every time I would have a partner, he would be single."
"I see, Darwin." I looked at him, just slightly moving my neck.
"I loved his company. I loved our conversations. We clicked. Yeah. I think that's the best word to describe it."
"Did you ever tell him how you feel?"
"I did. A thousand times. I could not forget. I like him. A lot."
"And?"
"I was rejected. A thousand times too." Darwin laughed. It was empty. Like that of a void he wanted to fill up but could not.
"Then, finally, for years...we were both single! I could not believe it, G. He was ready for a commitment. That was the time."
"But I told him I do not believe in commitments anymore. For a while now. But I left my heart to him. I am happy I did."
We are beings of chances. The more, the merrier they say. And so we forget to take risks because we are comfortable of where we are. In the end, we let chance get the best of us. Or the worst.
Darwin and I were talking alongside each other on his bed.
"For years, G, I have liked this guy for years." He narrated it without hesitation.
"Yes we've had s*x but that was not why I tried to pursue him." He slowly looked at the ceiling.
I followed looking up as well. "So what happened?" I asked.
"I guess luck just was not on our side. I want to think it that way. The cut is shallower." He continued. "Every time he has a partner, I would be single. Every time I would have a partner, he would be single."
"I see, Darwin." I looked at him, just slightly moving my neck.
"I loved his company. I loved our conversations. We clicked. Yeah. I think that's the best word to describe it."
"Did you ever tell him how you feel?"
"I did. A thousand times. I could not forget. I like him. A lot."
"And?"
"I was rejected. A thousand times too." Darwin laughed. It was empty. Like that of a void he wanted to fill up but could not.
"Then, finally, for years...we were both single! I could not believe it, G. He was ready for a commitment. That was the time."
"But I told him I do not believe in commitments anymore. For a while now. But I left my heart to him. I am happy I did."
We are beings of chances. The more, the merrier they say. And so we forget to take risks because we are comfortable of where we are. In the end, we let chance get the best of us. Or the worst.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Ones Who Win The War
Nishiboy suddenly messaged me in Facebook.
"Honey, I'm stressed."
We don't really talk much so I was a little surprised.
"Oh, what's stressing you out?" I asked.
"I've been dating this guy for a week now. We saw each other daily for the past week and now he..."
"What?"
"He is dating another guy now."
"Hay, honey, I know where you are coming from."
"I really like him, G."
"But what about your boy, the one you were head-over-heels when we last saw each other in O Bar?"
"I told him to stop anymore. He was being passive for the past weeks and I just felt it was time for me to let go because that was going nowhere."
"Oh..."
"But here's the thing, now he's the one pursuing."
"I see. What's your decision then?"
"We will talk when he gets home from Europe but as far as I am concerned, it's over."
"Boys, they're nothing but trouble and heartaches. :)"
"I know, G."
"So what's next for us Nishiboy?"
"I don't know."
"I don't too."
Sometimes we wonder too much what future awaits for gays like us: one minute you were happy with him and the next thing you know, you part ways. Most of us have been in there. We have done that and we have done them oh so many times that we can't help wondering and wandering.
We have lost innumerably, which begs the question:
Will we ever win?
"Honey, I'm stressed."
We don't really talk much so I was a little surprised.
"Oh, what's stressing you out?" I asked.
"I've been dating this guy for a week now. We saw each other daily for the past week and now he..."
"What?"
"He is dating another guy now."
"Hay, honey, I know where you are coming from."
"I really like him, G."
"But what about your boy, the one you were head-over-heels when we last saw each other in O Bar?"
"I told him to stop anymore. He was being passive for the past weeks and I just felt it was time for me to let go because that was going nowhere."
"Oh..."
"But here's the thing, now he's the one pursuing."
"I see. What's your decision then?"
"We will talk when he gets home from Europe but as far as I am concerned, it's over."
"Boys, they're nothing but trouble and heartaches. :)"
"I know, G."
"So what's next for us Nishiboy?"
"I don't know."
"I don't too."
Sometimes we wonder too much what future awaits for gays like us: one minute you were happy with him and the next thing you know, you part ways. Most of us have been in there. We have done that and we have done them oh so many times that we can't help wondering and wandering.
We have lost innumerably, which begs the question:
Will we ever win?
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Adjustment Period
"I hate people who can't adjust!"
The guy I was talking through Hornet told me one Sunday afternoon.
"I'm sorry, I can't go there late. The transportation will be difficult for me."
I replied.
"Stop saying sorry, you're only making yourself look pathetic."
He nonchalantly texted back.
I stopped.
You see, I always had trouble adjusting. Most people I know adjust fairly easily - work, environment, family - almost everything.
I don't. The moment I feel that it will be of inconvenience, I don't give in.
Sure I could adjust when it comes to school or gym days or the time I eat, but bookings, work, and sometimes, even social life, I reject the idea.
This much has troubled me in the past and still haunts me up till now.
That is how I think. That is how it goes. But definitely - sooner or later - I have to adjust whether I like it or not.
The guy I was talking through Hornet told me one Sunday afternoon.
"I'm sorry, I can't go there late. The transportation will be difficult for me."
I replied.
"Stop saying sorry, you're only making yourself look pathetic."
He nonchalantly texted back.
I stopped.
You see, I always had trouble adjusting. Most people I know adjust fairly easily - work, environment, family - almost everything.
I don't. The moment I feel that it will be of inconvenience, I don't give in.
Sure I could adjust when it comes to school or gym days or the time I eat, but bookings, work, and sometimes, even social life, I reject the idea.
This much has troubled me in the past and still haunts me up till now.
That is how I think. That is how it goes. But definitely - sooner or later - I have to adjust whether I like it or not.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
A Letter To My Former Lover And To Me
It has been a year since we parted ways.
It felt like a decade had passed.
I can still remember the times we were together: laughing as if there's no tomorrow, sharing stories like the world would end that day, and enjoying moments in the dark. Those truly were moments I would treasure.
That night, the night that we broke off, we were dining in a Chinese restaurant in Ayala. It was so vivid, the people, the place, all were happy, festive mood, cheerful to say the least. But I wasn't. I was nervous. And sad. Mostly sad.
I remember the child who was sitting in front of us, her smile was affectionate. Yet I looked at you with worry, trying to roll out my feelings on what had been disturbing me for the past few weeks.
"You don't have to tell yourself everyday that you love him."
A wise friend told me that.
"But we have been through a lot of ups and downs."
And yet that was not enough.
And so came the conclusion that it just wasn't working for us anymore. For me at least. You might say that I have been irrational, and yes, I admit it and I have apologized for that a thousand times. And I will again should you wish.
Here I am looking for something again. For now I do not know.
Is it love?
Is it companionship?
Is it lust?
That yet remains to be answered.
Shall we meet each other again?
And have a reconciliation?
Perhaps...
It felt like a decade had passed.
I can still remember the times we were together: laughing as if there's no tomorrow, sharing stories like the world would end that day, and enjoying moments in the dark. Those truly were moments I would treasure.
That night, the night that we broke off, we were dining in a Chinese restaurant in Ayala. It was so vivid, the people, the place, all were happy, festive mood, cheerful to say the least. But I wasn't. I was nervous. And sad. Mostly sad.
I remember the child who was sitting in front of us, her smile was affectionate. Yet I looked at you with worry, trying to roll out my feelings on what had been disturbing me for the past few weeks.
"You don't have to tell yourself everyday that you love him."
A wise friend told me that.
"But we have been through a lot of ups and downs."
And yet that was not enough.
And so came the conclusion that it just wasn't working for us anymore. For me at least. You might say that I have been irrational, and yes, I admit it and I have apologized for that a thousand times. And I will again should you wish.
Here I am looking for something again. For now I do not know.
Is it love?
Is it companionship?
Is it lust?
That yet remains to be answered.
Shall we meet each other again?
And have a reconciliation?
Perhaps...
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
A Held Promise
"Are you serious?" I slightly jolted out of my stuporous state when he told me that.
"Yes, I am." He looked at me and started combing my hair again with his fingers.
"So how did it go with you and him?" I asked.
I was curious.
"We were happy."
Were. Past tense. Words we sometimes dread with partners, with life.
"We were very flexible bottoms." He smiled and then laughed a little.
I saw him, genuine. I smiled back and closed my eyes once more.
"We became a couple last December of 2011. I let him stay here. We lived together."
Lived.
"Isn't your sister living with you then?" I opened my eyes and looked at him.
"She was still studying in our province back then." Em replied.
"I see."
"From December to March we were a live-in couple and it was great. Sure, we had some ups and downs but nothing too serious." He inched closer to my space.
"And then suddenly he left..."
"Did you ask the reason?"
"No. He told me he needs time and that he will return. Come back better. Perhaps."
"And you believed him, Em?"
"I had to G. Because I believed in him. And because I know he is a good person."
"Just like you." I added.
"Thanks." He weakly smiled.
"So what happened?"
"From March, the time he left, I tried communicating with him - texts, calls, e-mails - but to no avail. I was getting hopeless. And of course, I have needs..."
"So no dates since March when he left?"
"None. I stayed single. No dates. No s*x. I didn't go out with anyone nor sleep with anyone. In my heart, I believed. I swear."
"I believe you."
"And then October came and finally realized that he won't return. That I was just fooling myself thinking that I would stay single for him, for the one who left me." His voice had a tone of sadness. "I called him up and bluntly asked him, 'Can I date now?' and 'Yes' was his answer."
"Okay was his answer and disconnected the call."
"And that was it G. That was the end. The official break-up."
"I see. How did you feel?"
"Honestly? Sad, as all break-ups are, but relieved. Very."
"That is good to know..." I stroked his short hair and hugged him.
"Five months after, I found out he was cheating on me."
"Wait, five months after the official break-up through the phone?"
"Yes."
"How did you know?"
"Well I was feeling 'it' that night and had searched through guys who may be eligible. And then when I finally found him, we texted and agreed he'd go to my place. I was excited because for months I abstained, and then here comes a guy who I would sleep with for the first time in months."
"I know how that feels!" I said, excitedly.
"And when he finally came in my unit, he was shocked. Really shocked."
"And I asked him why?"
And that's when he told me the whole story..."
"That my ex actually was inviting him at my unit when we decided to live together. The ex told the guy that he was living with his brother. G, every single one of the things inside the unit, he knows where it's located. Every single one. Furniture even. All the times I thought we were doing well, he was actually cheating."
I looked at him. His expression was calm.
"Can you imagine G? He knows my unit. He knows where my things are. He knows the place."
"So in the end, we just talked. I wasn't feeling angry at my ex anymore at that time because I told you, I just felt relieved."
"No s*x then?" I tried to lighten the conversation.
"Of course not anymore!" He jokingly replied.
And then he laughed whole-heartedly as if to tell himself that it will be alright.
"If you're happy in a dream, does that count?" - Estha, The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
Part 3
"Yes, I am." He looked at me and started combing my hair again with his fingers.
"So how did it go with you and him?" I asked.
I was curious.
"We were happy."
Were. Past tense. Words we sometimes dread with partners, with life.
"We were very flexible bottoms." He smiled and then laughed a little.
I saw him, genuine. I smiled back and closed my eyes once more.
"We became a couple last December of 2011. I let him stay here. We lived together."
Lived.
"Isn't your sister living with you then?" I opened my eyes and looked at him.
"She was still studying in our province back then." Em replied.
"I see."
"From December to March we were a live-in couple and it was great. Sure, we had some ups and downs but nothing too serious." He inched closer to my space.
"And then suddenly he left..."
"Did you ask the reason?"
"No. He told me he needs time and that he will return. Come back better. Perhaps."
"And you believed him, Em?"
"I had to G. Because I believed in him. And because I know he is a good person."
"Just like you." I added.
"Thanks." He weakly smiled.
"So what happened?"
"From March, the time he left, I tried communicating with him - texts, calls, e-mails - but to no avail. I was getting hopeless. And of course, I have needs..."
"So no dates since March when he left?"
"None. I stayed single. No dates. No s*x. I didn't go out with anyone nor sleep with anyone. In my heart, I believed. I swear."
"I believe you."
"And then October came and finally realized that he won't return. That I was just fooling myself thinking that I would stay single for him, for the one who left me." His voice had a tone of sadness. "I called him up and bluntly asked him, 'Can I date now?' and 'Yes' was his answer."
"Okay was his answer and disconnected the call."
"And that was it G. That was the end. The official break-up."
"I see. How did you feel?"
"Honestly? Sad, as all break-ups are, but relieved. Very."
"That is good to know..." I stroked his short hair and hugged him.
"Five months after, I found out he was cheating on me."
"Wait, five months after the official break-up through the phone?"
"Yes."
"How did you know?"
"Well I was feeling 'it' that night and had searched through guys who may be eligible. And then when I finally found him, we texted and agreed he'd go to my place. I was excited because for months I abstained, and then here comes a guy who I would sleep with for the first time in months."
"I know how that feels!" I said, excitedly.
"And when he finally came in my unit, he was shocked. Really shocked."
"And I asked him why?"
And that's when he told me the whole story..."
"That my ex actually was inviting him at my unit when we decided to live together. The ex told the guy that he was living with his brother. G, every single one of the things inside the unit, he knows where it's located. Every single one. Furniture even. All the times I thought we were doing well, he was actually cheating."
I looked at him. His expression was calm.
"Can you imagine G? He knows my unit. He knows where my things are. He knows the place."
"So in the end, we just talked. I wasn't feeling angry at my ex anymore at that time because I told you, I just felt relieved."
"No s*x then?" I tried to lighten the conversation.
"Of course not anymore!" He jokingly replied.
And then he laughed whole-heartedly as if to tell himself that it will be alright.
"If you're happy in a dream, does that count?" - Estha, The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
Part 3
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
A Held Promise
"I want donuts!" He excitedly told me while we were walking looking for what he wants to eat.
"Sure. I love donuts too!" I said.
We saw a Dunkin Donuts kiosk and he looked at the selection wide-eyed like a kid. I followed him.
"You have got to try this!" I pointed to the Blueberry Cheese flavor.
"Okay, then I will get that one. And this one and this too." He pointed two different chocolate-flavored donuts.
"Aren't you going to eat that now?"
"No, I'll save this for later G."
"But aren't you hungry?"
"I am but I promised you we'd be eating your style." He told me. "Did you know I went semi-vegetarian before?"
"Really?"
"Yup, but I mentioned semi because I still eat meat on weekends. I just needed to lose weight that time so I opted for that."
"I see."
"Let's try Mr. Choi." He told me.
"Are there any vegetarian offerings there? Usually Chinese restos barely have options for all-veggies. I know they have chilled taho, though." I said. A little disappointed.
"We'll just check the menu, if there isn't anything that suits you we'll go some place else, okay?"
"Okay."
We went inside the restaurant and looked at the menu. Thankfully, there were vegetarian alternatives.
We decided to stay there and order for dinner.
"So how have you been?" He asked me while we were eating our appetizer - radish cakes - which actually has chorizo meat in them, but very minimal.
"I am good, been busy with work and gym. I barely go out on weekends anymore."
"And you?"
"Good too. Busy with work and dance classes."
"So you're part time trainer, right?"
"Yeah. After work I teach in the gym."
"Good for you. Did you know I actually applied there as a personal trainer?"
"Really? What happened?"
"Well I wasn't accepted though."
"That's okay G."
"I know. Anyway at least I tried." I smiled at him while our main dish arrived shortly.
After dinner we went to his pad. I was sleepy then. He told me I can't because we still have a lot to talk about.
"When was your last relationship?" I asked him while I lied on his bed. My eyes drowsy.
"October last year."
A few seconds passed.
"Oh wait, no, it was October 2011. So it has been nearly two years since my last relationship. How about you?" He asked.
"June of last year. So I've been single for nearly a year."
"What happened why you guys broke up?" I asked him.
"Well...first and foremost...we are actually a couple of bottoms."
Part 2
"Sure. I love donuts too!" I said.
We saw a Dunkin Donuts kiosk and he looked at the selection wide-eyed like a kid. I followed him.
"You have got to try this!" I pointed to the Blueberry Cheese flavor.
"Okay, then I will get that one. And this one and this too." He pointed two different chocolate-flavored donuts.
"Aren't you going to eat that now?"
"No, I'll save this for later G."
"But aren't you hungry?"
"I am but I promised you we'd be eating your style." He told me. "Did you know I went semi-vegetarian before?"
"Really?"
"Yup, but I mentioned semi because I still eat meat on weekends. I just needed to lose weight that time so I opted for that."
"I see."
"Let's try Mr. Choi." He told me.
"Are there any vegetarian offerings there? Usually Chinese restos barely have options for all-veggies. I know they have chilled taho, though." I said. A little disappointed.
"We'll just check the menu, if there isn't anything that suits you we'll go some place else, okay?"
"Okay."
We went inside the restaurant and looked at the menu. Thankfully, there were vegetarian alternatives.
We decided to stay there and order for dinner.
"So how have you been?" He asked me while we were eating our appetizer - radish cakes - which actually has chorizo meat in them, but very minimal.
"I am good, been busy with work and gym. I barely go out on weekends anymore."
"And you?"
"Good too. Busy with work and dance classes."
"So you're part time trainer, right?"
"Yeah. After work I teach in the gym."
"Good for you. Did you know I actually applied there as a personal trainer?"
"Really? What happened?"
"Well I wasn't accepted though."
"That's okay G."
"I know. Anyway at least I tried." I smiled at him while our main dish arrived shortly.
After dinner we went to his pad. I was sleepy then. He told me I can't because we still have a lot to talk about.
"When was your last relationship?" I asked him while I lied on his bed. My eyes drowsy.
"October last year."
A few seconds passed.
"Oh wait, no, it was October 2011. So it has been nearly two years since my last relationship. How about you?" He asked.
"June of last year. So I've been single for nearly a year."
"What happened why you guys broke up?" I asked him.
"Well...first and foremost...we are actually a couple of bottoms."
Part 2
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
A Held Promise
"Heyyy..." I greeted him with delight as he entered the store where we were supposed to meet.
"Hey!" He replied and smiled.
He was wearing a dark-colored shirt with some green abstract print, a pair of casual shorts, and a pair of Sanuk shoes. He was chinito, tall, and fit.
A first for me.
"Wait, let me just try these things on." I was holding four shirts that time.
"Wow, you're shopping."
"No, I just want to get them sweaty." I joked.
He gave a soft laugh and I proceeded to the dressing cubicle, and only tried two.
"Hey, sorry to have kept you waiting. There, I'm done." I told him as I handed the money to the cashier.
"No, it's okay."
"Where do you want to go?" I inquired. "Are you hungry?"
"A little."
"Okay but sorry I won't be eating with you right now. I just had a lot earlier this lunch time. Pasta, bread, fresh lumpia, and buko juice. A lot." I laughed.
"No problem. Let's look around."
"Okay Em."
Em and I first exchanged messages in Hornet. He was the first to leave a message and from there on we were communicating through Hornet only. It was after two weeks of chatting online that I decided to provide him my number even if he didn't ask for it. Em works in the Ticketing Department of an airline company plus he works part-time as a fitness trainer.
From the way he communicates he knows how to handle conversations and he is a good conversationalist.
Of course I want to get to know him better soon.
But honestly, I did not have plans to meet him that day as I was still with a date in Greenhills that time but I have to admit that I was eager to meet him because he seems interesting.
My phone rang while me and my date were about to leave Greenhills.
"Excuse me for a moment while I answer this call." I told my date.
"Hello, yes?"
"Hello G? How are you?"
"I am good. Why'd you call Em?"
"Are you busy?" He asked.
"Not much."
"Wanna meet later? My dancing class just finished."
I had to make a decision right then and there: leave my date and meet another one or spend the rest of the day with my date. I chose the former.
"Sure thing. Where'd you want to meet?"
"Okay, that's good. Where do you want?"
"Well you told me you're at Robinson's Manila. I guess we should just meet there."
"No problem. See you."
"Yeah thanks Em. See you too."
After making an excuse to my date I rushed towards the meeting place.
Part 1
"Hey!" He replied and smiled.
He was wearing a dark-colored shirt with some green abstract print, a pair of casual shorts, and a pair of Sanuk shoes. He was chinito, tall, and fit.
A first for me.
"Wait, let me just try these things on." I was holding four shirts that time.
"Wow, you're shopping."
"No, I just want to get them sweaty." I joked.
He gave a soft laugh and I proceeded to the dressing cubicle, and only tried two.
"Hey, sorry to have kept you waiting. There, I'm done." I told him as I handed the money to the cashier.
"No, it's okay."
"Where do you want to go?" I inquired. "Are you hungry?"
"A little."
"Okay but sorry I won't be eating with you right now. I just had a lot earlier this lunch time. Pasta, bread, fresh lumpia, and buko juice. A lot." I laughed.
"No problem. Let's look around."
"Okay Em."
Em and I first exchanged messages in Hornet. He was the first to leave a message and from there on we were communicating through Hornet only. It was after two weeks of chatting online that I decided to provide him my number even if he didn't ask for it. Em works in the Ticketing Department of an airline company plus he works part-time as a fitness trainer.
From the way he communicates he knows how to handle conversations and he is a good conversationalist.
Of course I want to get to know him better soon.
But honestly, I did not have plans to meet him that day as I was still with a date in Greenhills that time but I have to admit that I was eager to meet him because he seems interesting.
My phone rang while me and my date were about to leave Greenhills.
"Excuse me for a moment while I answer this call." I told my date.
"Hello, yes?"
"Hello G? How are you?"
"I am good. Why'd you call Em?"
"Are you busy?" He asked.
"Not much."
"Wanna meet later? My dancing class just finished."
I had to make a decision right then and there: leave my date and meet another one or spend the rest of the day with my date. I chose the former.
"Sure thing. Where'd you want to meet?"
"Okay, that's good. Where do you want?"
"Well you told me you're at Robinson's Manila. I guess we should just meet there."
"No problem. See you."
"Yeah thanks Em. See you too."
After making an excuse to my date I rushed towards the meeting place.
Part 1
Friday, May 17, 2013
Types of Gym Guys
I first started going to the gym last January 2008 and have been continuously going for the past five years. From the five years that I have spent my time in the gym, I have witnessed different characters of people some amusing, some irritating.
1. The Sweat-A-Lots. The name says it all, these are guys who likes to leave their trail everywhere - every gym equipment that needs sitting down or lying prone or supine. And the best thing is they don't wipe it off!
2. Amnesiac Twinks. Now you all know how I have a fetish for twinks and how I am delighted around them but these guys are just one of the worst. They never return the weights they use.
Because most of the time I hate clutter, I end up returning their weights and boy let me tell you that by the time I start working out I am already a little tired and drenched in sweat.
3. Chika-Boys. These are the guys who barely lift but spend most of their time talking with other gym guys. Straight or not, they like talking and they really like to talk anything under the sun: girls, cars, weather, gossips, and the never-dying Philippine politics. These guys are the ones you want to stay away as it displaces your momentum. Of course the gym is a place of interaction but please, know when to stop talking and start lifting.
And most of the time you double your time in the gym which makes you late for work. Damn!!!
4. Cardio-Boys. As the name suggests, these are people who spend most of their time on the treadmill or bike. They are people who stay away from lifting anything heavy or even not so heavy but lifting per se. Running on the treadmill or biking has its perks because you can watch tv series or even read a book.
I actually started out like this biking for two hours and then lifting for one hour. I dropped weight but I wasn't able to gain muscle.
5. Abs Boys. These guys spend most of their time doing every type of crunches they know be it traditional, weighted, reverse, cable crunches, etc. Three-fourth on abs, one-fourth on weights. But as most of us know, spot reduction is a myth.
6. Huff-And-Puff Boys. These are men. Real men. Men who lift 200lbs. or more of weight. Men whose veins bulge from every part of their body. Men whose chests are bigger than Ms. Anderson's. And men who might also be on injectable steroids.
7. Amnesiac Bears. From twinks to bears, these are bears who also literally forget the equipments they use but here's the catch, their more hairy hence more sweaty. We love them bears but please be responsible for the things you use especially if they are really heavy!
8. Midget Lifters. These are guys who are small but likes to lift heavy. Napoleon Complex. Seeking dominance in such small stature. I for one had been like this. But at least I learned. More often than not, they need spotters.
9. Flickers. The guys who barely goes to gym but when they do, tries to copy the last guy's exercise. They have no idea on the proper form, position, reps, and sets. All they know is that they lift weights. They are doing what others are doing. Amusing, really. Then after one or two sessions, ka-poot.
10. Mirrorers. They are the ones who likes to take their shirt/sandos off and pose in front of the mirror, either contracting their abdominals or contracting their biceps or back. They mean no harm and are not in any way showing off, sometimes.
We shall also call them Gymstagramers for their knack in taking selfie photos!
Part 1
1. The Sweat-A-Lots. The name says it all, these are guys who likes to leave their trail everywhere - every gym equipment that needs sitting down or lying prone or supine. And the best thing is they don't wipe it off!
2. Amnesiac Twinks. Now you all know how I have a fetish for twinks and how I am delighted around them but these guys are just one of the worst. They never return the weights they use.
Because most of the time I hate clutter, I end up returning their weights and boy let me tell you that by the time I start working out I am already a little tired and drenched in sweat.
3. Chika-Boys. These are the guys who barely lift but spend most of their time talking with other gym guys. Straight or not, they like talking and they really like to talk anything under the sun: girls, cars, weather, gossips, and the never-dying Philippine politics. These guys are the ones you want to stay away as it displaces your momentum. Of course the gym is a place of interaction but please, know when to stop talking and start lifting.
And most of the time you double your time in the gym which makes you late for work. Damn!!!
4. Cardio-Boys. As the name suggests, these are people who spend most of their time on the treadmill or bike. They are people who stay away from lifting anything heavy or even not so heavy but lifting per se. Running on the treadmill or biking has its perks because you can watch tv series or even read a book.
I actually started out like this biking for two hours and then lifting for one hour. I dropped weight but I wasn't able to gain muscle.
5. Abs Boys. These guys spend most of their time doing every type of crunches they know be it traditional, weighted, reverse, cable crunches, etc. Three-fourth on abs, one-fourth on weights. But as most of us know, spot reduction is a myth.
6. Huff-And-Puff Boys. These are men. Real men. Men who lift 200lbs. or more of weight. Men whose veins bulge from every part of their body. Men whose chests are bigger than Ms. Anderson's. And men who might also be on injectable steroids.
7. Amnesiac Bears. From twinks to bears, these are bears who also literally forget the equipments they use but here's the catch, their more hairy hence more sweaty. We love them bears but please be responsible for the things you use especially if they are really heavy!
8. Midget Lifters. These are guys who are small but likes to lift heavy. Napoleon Complex. Seeking dominance in such small stature. I for one had been like this. But at least I learned. More often than not, they need spotters.
9. Flickers. The guys who barely goes to gym but when they do, tries to copy the last guy's exercise. They have no idea on the proper form, position, reps, and sets. All they know is that they lift weights. They are doing what others are doing. Amusing, really. Then after one or two sessions, ka-poot.
10. Mirrorers. They are the ones who likes to take their shirt/sandos off and pose in front of the mirror, either contracting their abdominals or contracting their biceps or back. They mean no harm and are not in any way showing off, sometimes.
We shall also call them Gymstagramers for their knack in taking selfie photos!
Part 1
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Hornet 101
Move over, Grindr.
1. Hornet allows you to have four public pictures and four private pictures. Everyone has their best angle. Use it to your advantage.
2. Searching guys doesn't have any limit, ergo the possibilites are endless! Although you might chance upon guys already from another country. Seriously.
3. Pleasantries are always, um, pleasant. Beating around the bush is not the same as being friendly and starting a conversation.
4. Obviously topless pictures still gets the most views.
5. Say something in your profile for crying out loud!
6. No, people don't need to ask for your pictures if you don't have any public ones.
7. And no, don't ask for more pictures if the guy already showed you all of his photos in Hornet.
8. As always, beware of posers. Especially posers who are nothing, and I mean nothing, like the ones they posted.
9. Masseurs are on the rise as well. I have reported some of them already. So beware of me!
Hahahaha! (evil laughter)
10. And finally, be nice and avoid being rude.
Enjoy and don't forget to indicate your HIV status!
1. Hornet allows you to have four public pictures and four private pictures. Everyone has their best angle. Use it to your advantage.
2. Searching guys doesn't have any limit, ergo the possibilites are endless! Although you might chance upon guys already from another country. Seriously.
3. Pleasantries are always, um, pleasant. Beating around the bush is not the same as being friendly and starting a conversation.
4. Obviously topless pictures still gets the most views.
5. Say something in your profile for crying out loud!
6. No, people don't need to ask for your pictures if you don't have any public ones.
7. And no, don't ask for more pictures if the guy already showed you all of his photos in Hornet.
8. As always, beware of posers. Especially posers who are nothing, and I mean nothing, like the ones they posted.
9. Masseurs are on the rise as well. I have reported some of them already. So beware of me!
Hahahaha! (evil laughter)
10. And finally, be nice and avoid being rude.
Enjoy and don't forget to indicate your HIV status!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Death Of A Decade
On April 24, 2003 Bed Manila opened its doors to gay clubbers. It was not the start of gay clubbing and how Malate came to be, but it was when clubbing made such progression to new heights, that the Manila gay club scene would not be what it is now.
As a young gay clubber in Manila I also started going to Malate and its offerings. Bed was already three years old when I happen to visit Malate out of my curiousity to see what it is like to party with people like us.
Unfortunately Bed was closed that time as that was a Tuesday.
Chelu and Obar were the first clubs I have tried. Obar back then was still free of admission and Chelu was still more of a chill-and-videoke type place.
Then there was Fluid, a twinks and yuppies place where the entrance was cheap and the crowd was good enough that I didn't even dare think of entering Bed. When Fluid closed down, it was then that I decided to enter Bed and see what the fuss is all about in the very infamous club I have been hearing from schoolmates. Groping and booking notwithstanding.
You have to admit, Bed is a club for the 'elitists'. Entrance fee that time already was a whopping Php300.00, and at that time, a student can barely afford to go inside, save for those who are on the VIP list. Believe me, I used to save my allowance just to get in!
My fondest memory was when McVie, Tristan, LondonBoy, Carrie, and Mugen and I partied the night away. It was McVie's birthday back then. And he was also the one who introduced me to the ledge.
Oh, that legendary ledge. Where you feel like a god even for the night! Where the platform provides you that sense of power and energy to go on through the night, just dancing away. That's where my love for the ledge sprouted. And it doesn't matter if people look at you from beneath trying to get your attention or not, or you just feel the music and the rhythm. You and the ledge are all that matters.
Songs like Fashionista, I Just Wanna F*cking Dance, Absolutely Not, etc. were being played by the DJ and you got hammered by the betraying alcohol and the enchanting sound. Nothing amounts to that feeling.
But just like any other superclubs, Bed had its time of rising and falling...
When news got out that the club was burned, people were in disbelief. I for one was saddened by the news but I have long not stepped into its premises for more than a year.
People looked for places to go, clubbers scrambled over Metro Manila just to check any new gay clubs around their areas, and as it was perfect timing, a club in Ortigas rose. With the hopes of the young and not-so-young gay clubbers to be entranced.
For more than two years, Bed remained close. Shut down from the rising pink population. Some people missed the club. Some did not.
Then news broke out that Bed was re-opening again! People were spreading the good news like wildfire. I too were telling acquaintances of the event.
Unfortunately, the re-opening was much criticized for its sky-high entrance fee. The place got bigger and better in many ways one could enumerate but the crowds dwindled in numbers. People went there because of nostalgia. I was just at home resting that time.
Since Bed's reopening, I only went there thrice: the Love Yourself Anniversary last year, the official launching of Hornet last month, and lastly, the Farewell Party last April 27, 2013.
Yes folks, Bed, our Bed, the Bed we have been going to for several years will be closing and transferring to a new place.
MGG, Mugen, Nishiboy, Daredevilry, and Discreet Manila were all there to witness the last hurrah. All were in high spirits even if it was short-lived. We were there. We were present. We gave all our energy because soon we know it will be over.
So it's not really because Bed is closing down. It's more of 'What will happen to Malate now?'
That, we will see in the coming years.
As a young gay clubber in Manila I also started going to Malate and its offerings. Bed was already three years old when I happen to visit Malate out of my curiousity to see what it is like to party with people like us.
Unfortunately Bed was closed that time as that was a Tuesday.
Chelu and Obar were the first clubs I have tried. Obar back then was still free of admission and Chelu was still more of a chill-and-videoke type place.
Then there was Fluid, a twinks and yuppies place where the entrance was cheap and the crowd was good enough that I didn't even dare think of entering Bed. When Fluid closed down, it was then that I decided to enter Bed and see what the fuss is all about in the very infamous club I have been hearing from schoolmates. Groping and booking notwithstanding.
You have to admit, Bed is a club for the 'elitists'. Entrance fee that time already was a whopping Php300.00, and at that time, a student can barely afford to go inside, save for those who are on the VIP list. Believe me, I used to save my allowance just to get in!
My fondest memory was when McVie, Tristan, LondonBoy, Carrie, and Mugen and I partied the night away. It was McVie's birthday back then. And he was also the one who introduced me to the ledge.
Oh, that legendary ledge. Where you feel like a god even for the night! Where the platform provides you that sense of power and energy to go on through the night, just dancing away. That's where my love for the ledge sprouted. And it doesn't matter if people look at you from beneath trying to get your attention or not, or you just feel the music and the rhythm. You and the ledge are all that matters.
Songs like Fashionista, I Just Wanna F*cking Dance, Absolutely Not, etc. were being played by the DJ and you got hammered by the betraying alcohol and the enchanting sound. Nothing amounts to that feeling.
But just like any other superclubs, Bed had its time of rising and falling...
When news got out that the club was burned, people were in disbelief. I for one was saddened by the news but I have long not stepped into its premises for more than a year.
People looked for places to go, clubbers scrambled over Metro Manila just to check any new gay clubs around their areas, and as it was perfect timing, a club in Ortigas rose. With the hopes of the young and not-so-young gay clubbers to be entranced.
For more than two years, Bed remained close. Shut down from the rising pink population. Some people missed the club. Some did not.
Then news broke out that Bed was re-opening again! People were spreading the good news like wildfire. I too were telling acquaintances of the event.
Unfortunately, the re-opening was much criticized for its sky-high entrance fee. The place got bigger and better in many ways one could enumerate but the crowds dwindled in numbers. People went there because of nostalgia. I was just at home resting that time.
Since Bed's reopening, I only went there thrice: the Love Yourself Anniversary last year, the official launching of Hornet last month, and lastly, the Farewell Party last April 27, 2013.
Yes folks, Bed, our Bed, the Bed we have been going to for several years will be closing and transferring to a new place.
MGG, Mugen, Nishiboy, Daredevilry, and Discreet Manila were all there to witness the last hurrah. All were in high spirits even if it was short-lived. We were there. We were present. We gave all our energy because soon we know it will be over.
So it's not really because Bed is closing down. It's more of 'What will happen to Malate now?'
That, we will see in the coming years.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Grooming 101
Every man is different. We groom differently, dress differently.
Grooming 101 suggests three steps on keeping the face oil-free and looking fresh: wash, tone, moisturize. We need to live with this mantra.
Here are some of the most essential needs of men that one cannot live without:
1. Facial wash. Yes, you read it perfectly... facial wash. Recently, I have been purchasing facial products that turned out to be not so good, with my face drying up every now and then and making me compensate by applying moisturizer, which in turn made my face shinier. Not cute. I used to have Celeteque, Pond's Glacial Clay, Pond's Activated Carbon, and a Garnier Facial Wash simultaneously in my stash with each one of them being applied daily.
Stick with the basics. A non-comedogenic/hypo-allergenic facial wash. I am currently using Dove soap for Men which works perfectly. I still use the Glacial Clay, though.
2. Toner. Facial washes are insufficient in eliminating dirt and grime off our face. Most of the time, even with the initial application, oil still thrives in our pores especially those with large pores. The most useful technique is to use a toner after bath. It not only makes your face cleaner but it also cools and minimizes pores.
Avid Eskinol for Men user for years. Never failed me, although I prefer using the anti-pimples than the deep cleanser as the latter has small beads in it that is really rough on my skin. For best results use once daily. Using too much can cause dry skin. Try also either the Body Shop's, Neutrogena's, or L'oreal.
3. Moisturizers. These products can be quite tricky as the female counterparts have a lot to offer - day creams, night creams, pore minimizers, lifting action, age-defying - all offering to make us look our best. But honestly, day creams and night creams doesn't make a difference at all. At all.
When looking for a moisturizer always keep in mind to look for a water-based one as oil-based products clog the pores. Olay is great. It really is one of the best there is but just not for me. A good option too is VMV Hypoallergenics' moisturizer. Neutrogena's Hydroboost is good too. I am currently using Myra-E though. It works well, it's cheap, and it has SPF 15 to protect me from the sun's rays.
4. Facial Scrubs. Sometimes facial cleansers are not enough to take out oil, that's why facial scrubs were invented. Be wary though that facial scrubs can dry and damage your skin if used daily. And take note too that the best time to use this is post-strenuous activity i.e. workout, jogging, muay thai, boxing - mostly activities that produces sweat a lot. Two to three times a week should be fine.
Try Nivea's Facial Scrub or Neutrogena's Deep Clean or perhaps Celeteque's variant. I have been using the first one for quite some time now.
5. Body Lotion. Honestly, I don't have the luxury of time to rub lotion all over my extremities. Lotions, at least for me, are only relegated for my hands. And because lotions can be heavy on the skin and block the pores. Some people though cannot live without spreading them on their arms and legs.
Jergen's and Vaseline have always been the top brands when you think of lotions. They provide the right amount of moisture to your skin throughout the day. Some variants have scents in them but the less scent the better.
Of note is that you have to determine what skin type you have whether dry, oily, mixed, or sensitive. Those with the first three are lucky because supermarkets are loaded with them, however, for those sensitive types, you first must consult a dermatologist and sometimes specially-formulated ones are better for them. Which really are expensive.
5. Nose hair clippers. Yes, nose hair clippers. This is one of the most important equipment you need to have in your grooming kit. Nose hair peeking out of your nose is synonymous with booger. They are a complete turn off and totally unnecessary. Yes they are needed for thermal regulation and block out foreign materials but they need to be trimmed, out of sight from people or worse, dates.
6. Shaves. Facial hair is cool. I have some too but don't be a barbarian and let it grow long, unruly, and unkempt, especially those who are hairy by nature. Of course Gillette by far is the most known brand.
Rules on armpit hair: If you wear baby-sleeve shirts shave them. If not, go ahead and create a virgin forest. You don't want your armpit hair sticking out of your sleeve when riding a public vehicle or simply sitcking out of your sleeve whenever you lift your arms. It just looks very unhygienic and unsightly like illegal settlers.
Pubic hair on the other hand needs to be trimmed/shaved too depending on your preference. Why? Because bacteria grows in moist environment and the more hair you have, the more they thrive. That is why some guys have that awful stench in between their legs. And that is abso-effin'-lutely disgusting. So if you make love to a guy with a rainforest down there...oh well, charge it to experience.
Lastly, nails on the hands and feet grow on a ratio of 1:4, respectively. And you trim your nails squarely not on a convex shape.
We are men and we have to admit that sometimes grooming is not our forte but times are changing, one must be aware that being presentable is a must always whether at work, gym, mall, or just even out of the house really.
You don't want to look haggard and unfresh. Just like a boy scout, be prepared.
Look your best in any situation - club scene or work scene.
And yes, straight men are not excluded.
Grooming 101 suggests three steps on keeping the face oil-free and looking fresh: wash, tone, moisturize. We need to live with this mantra.
Here are some of the most essential needs of men that one cannot live without:
1. Facial wash. Yes, you read it perfectly... facial wash. Recently, I have been purchasing facial products that turned out to be not so good, with my face drying up every now and then and making me compensate by applying moisturizer, which in turn made my face shinier. Not cute. I used to have Celeteque, Pond's Glacial Clay, Pond's Activated Carbon, and a Garnier Facial Wash simultaneously in my stash with each one of them being applied daily.
Stick with the basics. A non-comedogenic/hypo-allergenic facial wash. I am currently using Dove soap for Men which works perfectly. I still use the Glacial Clay, though.
2. Toner. Facial washes are insufficient in eliminating dirt and grime off our face. Most of the time, even with the initial application, oil still thrives in our pores especially those with large pores. The most useful technique is to use a toner after bath. It not only makes your face cleaner but it also cools and minimizes pores.
Avid Eskinol for Men user for years. Never failed me, although I prefer using the anti-pimples than the deep cleanser as the latter has small beads in it that is really rough on my skin. For best results use once daily. Using too much can cause dry skin. Try also either the Body Shop's, Neutrogena's, or L'oreal.
3. Moisturizers. These products can be quite tricky as the female counterparts have a lot to offer - day creams, night creams, pore minimizers, lifting action, age-defying - all offering to make us look our best. But honestly, day creams and night creams doesn't make a difference at all. At all.
When looking for a moisturizer always keep in mind to look for a water-based one as oil-based products clog the pores. Olay is great. It really is one of the best there is but just not for me. A good option too is VMV Hypoallergenics' moisturizer. Neutrogena's Hydroboost is good too. I am currently using Myra-E though. It works well, it's cheap, and it has SPF 15 to protect me from the sun's rays.
4. Facial Scrubs. Sometimes facial cleansers are not enough to take out oil, that's why facial scrubs were invented. Be wary though that facial scrubs can dry and damage your skin if used daily. And take note too that the best time to use this is post-strenuous activity i.e. workout, jogging, muay thai, boxing - mostly activities that produces sweat a lot. Two to three times a week should be fine.
Try Nivea's Facial Scrub or Neutrogena's Deep Clean or perhaps Celeteque's variant. I have been using the first one for quite some time now.
5. Body Lotion. Honestly, I don't have the luxury of time to rub lotion all over my extremities. Lotions, at least for me, are only relegated for my hands. And because lotions can be heavy on the skin and block the pores. Some people though cannot live without spreading them on their arms and legs.
Jergen's and Vaseline have always been the top brands when you think of lotions. They provide the right amount of moisture to your skin throughout the day. Some variants have scents in them but the less scent the better.
Of note is that you have to determine what skin type you have whether dry, oily, mixed, or sensitive. Those with the first three are lucky because supermarkets are loaded with them, however, for those sensitive types, you first must consult a dermatologist and sometimes specially-formulated ones are better for them. Which really are expensive.
5. Nose hair clippers. Yes, nose hair clippers. This is one of the most important equipment you need to have in your grooming kit. Nose hair peeking out of your nose is synonymous with booger. They are a complete turn off and totally unnecessary. Yes they are needed for thermal regulation and block out foreign materials but they need to be trimmed, out of sight from people or worse, dates.
6. Shaves. Facial hair is cool. I have some too but don't be a barbarian and let it grow long, unruly, and unkempt, especially those who are hairy by nature. Of course Gillette by far is the most known brand.
Rules on armpit hair: If you wear baby-sleeve shirts shave them. If not, go ahead and create a virgin forest. You don't want your armpit hair sticking out of your sleeve when riding a public vehicle or simply sitcking out of your sleeve whenever you lift your arms. It just looks very unhygienic and unsightly like illegal settlers.
Pubic hair on the other hand needs to be trimmed/shaved too depending on your preference. Why? Because bacteria grows in moist environment and the more hair you have, the more they thrive. That is why some guys have that awful stench in between their legs. And that is abso-effin'-lutely disgusting. So if you make love to a guy with a rainforest down there...oh well, charge it to experience.
Lastly, nails on the hands and feet grow on a ratio of 1:4, respectively. And you trim your nails squarely not on a convex shape.
We are men and we have to admit that sometimes grooming is not our forte but times are changing, one must be aware that being presentable is a must always whether at work, gym, mall, or just even out of the house really.
You don't want to look haggard and unfresh. Just like a boy scout, be prepared.
Look your best in any situation - club scene or work scene.
And yes, straight men are not excluded.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Being Lacto-ovo-vegetarian
Weird.
People used to say that to me when I tell them my diet. I guess for Filipinos it's not typical for someone to be a vegetarian given the abundance of meat in the country.
Honestly, I never really expected to take this path. I used to love pork chops, fried chicken, beef steak, shrimp sinigang, and other dishes with meat on them. There was even a time I ate beef a lot because I wanted to gain mass.
But that all changed when I saw the news on the "Crush video".
Have you heard or seen it? Videotaped by a couple, it shows animals being squished with their bare foot from rabbits to rats, you name it, they probably would have squished it to death.
Animal cruelty. So there I was thinking "Why would people even want to hurt animals?" It was unbelievable and yet undeniably existing among us especially people who did not have proper education. The moment I watched the news about those animals, I know I had to take action. After that incident I immediately signed in to PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) and also posted status updates relating to animal advocacy. I'm not an active member let me tell you that however I am still active in my own way.
That's when I first started to cut back the pork and beef, initially, and retain seafood and chicken. I know, I should have taken them all out immediately but it was a work in process. Taking protein sources out of your diet instantaneously is dangerous for one's health. I should know, my life revolves around dieting.
I eliminated beef and pork in April 2011 then after seven months I took out all other seafoods except fish, and retained chicken.
For more than a year I lived on chicken breast, chicken hotdogs, cream dory, boneless milkfish, and eggs.
Then when I lost my job October last year, I decided to take out chicken. It was automatic. I still had chicken hotdogs left in the freezer and my Mom was telling me to finish them but I decided to stop eating chicken. That was difficult as I am not really fond of fish. Growing up with milkfish and tilapia as staples made me less enthusiastic on eating those again - thank goodness for cream dory - but that was short-lived because two weeks after I eliminated chicken, I eliminated fish too and decided to go lacto-ovo-vegetarian.
Giving up on meat products when you were so fond of them even as a child really made it difficult. I had to find alternatives on where to get my protein as there was no way I will go back on eating animal products again.
But how about eggs, you say? Well initially when I thought about going full vegan, it would kill me. Firstly because I thrive on bread (I eat rice on an every other day basis usually after gym) and we all know bread contain eggs. So in the end I had to make a hard decision to not take eggs out of my diet.
What was it like? During the first weeks I realized how my energy depleted very easily and that I cannot stay in the gym for more than an hour and a half, my endurance decreased, and my nutrition made a 180-degree turn.
What do I eat now? Tofu, gluten, and eggs are my staple. They provide the needed protein and energy without resorting to animal products, plus you can experiment a lot because they have neutral tastes. So in a way it lets me be creative with cooking (re: not my forte).
I am happy with how things turned out. Of course I still dream of biting into a juicy burger or biting into a meat-loaded pizza but I can curb those temptations.
Animals are our friends: they make us happy. I can attest how many pet owners there are who can say the same as I can. This is me speaking on behalf of them and not some Disney princess who lives in the woods with deers, rabbits, squirrels, and birds helping her with her chores.
Being an animal advocate is my contribution. It has a good purpose, I think. I may have sacrificed a lot in order to at least salvage some of them from being put into my mouth but I know it's worth it. And caring for them is well worth it.
So should you.
If you see signs of animal abuse or maltreatment, don't hesitate to contact PETA immediately. Animals have lives too, you know.
People used to say that to me when I tell them my diet. I guess for Filipinos it's not typical for someone to be a vegetarian given the abundance of meat in the country.
Honestly, I never really expected to take this path. I used to love pork chops, fried chicken, beef steak, shrimp sinigang, and other dishes with meat on them. There was even a time I ate beef a lot because I wanted to gain mass.
But that all changed when I saw the news on the "Crush video".
Have you heard or seen it? Videotaped by a couple, it shows animals being squished with their bare foot from rabbits to rats, you name it, they probably would have squished it to death.
Animal cruelty. So there I was thinking "Why would people even want to hurt animals?" It was unbelievable and yet undeniably existing among us especially people who did not have proper education. The moment I watched the news about those animals, I know I had to take action. After that incident I immediately signed in to PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) and also posted status updates relating to animal advocacy. I'm not an active member let me tell you that however I am still active in my own way.
That's when I first started to cut back the pork and beef, initially, and retain seafood and chicken. I know, I should have taken them all out immediately but it was a work in process. Taking protein sources out of your diet instantaneously is dangerous for one's health. I should know, my life revolves around dieting.
I eliminated beef and pork in April 2011 then after seven months I took out all other seafoods except fish, and retained chicken.
For more than a year I lived on chicken breast, chicken hotdogs, cream dory, boneless milkfish, and eggs.
Then when I lost my job October last year, I decided to take out chicken. It was automatic. I still had chicken hotdogs left in the freezer and my Mom was telling me to finish them but I decided to stop eating chicken. That was difficult as I am not really fond of fish. Growing up with milkfish and tilapia as staples made me less enthusiastic on eating those again - thank goodness for cream dory - but that was short-lived because two weeks after I eliminated chicken, I eliminated fish too and decided to go lacto-ovo-vegetarian.
Giving up on meat products when you were so fond of them even as a child really made it difficult. I had to find alternatives on where to get my protein as there was no way I will go back on eating animal products again.
But how about eggs, you say? Well initially when I thought about going full vegan, it would kill me. Firstly because I thrive on bread (I eat rice on an every other day basis usually after gym) and we all know bread contain eggs. So in the end I had to make a hard decision to not take eggs out of my diet.
What was it like? During the first weeks I realized how my energy depleted very easily and that I cannot stay in the gym for more than an hour and a half, my endurance decreased, and my nutrition made a 180-degree turn.
What do I eat now? Tofu, gluten, and eggs are my staple. They provide the needed protein and energy without resorting to animal products, plus you can experiment a lot because they have neutral tastes. So in a way it lets me be creative with cooking (re: not my forte).
I am happy with how things turned out. Of course I still dream of biting into a juicy burger or biting into a meat-loaded pizza but I can curb those temptations.
Animals are our friends: they make us happy. I can attest how many pet owners there are who can say the same as I can. This is me speaking on behalf of them and not some Disney princess who lives in the woods with deers, rabbits, squirrels, and birds helping her with her chores.
Being an animal advocate is my contribution. It has a good purpose, I think. I may have sacrificed a lot in order to at least salvage some of them from being put into my mouth but I know it's worth it. And caring for them is well worth it.
So should you.
If you see signs of animal abuse or maltreatment, don't hesitate to contact PETA immediately. Animals have lives too, you know.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
This Boy, This Little Boy Part 3
I remembered when anonymous and non-anonymous bloggers were still mostly communicating through, er, blogs. Mugen and Soltero published entries what most people don't know about them. I followed suit but I only reached until 75. I plan to finish it to 100. Here they are:
76. I have been a strict lacto-ovo-vegetarian for nearly six months. Hard but well worth it.
77. Sometimes, I push people away to avoid getting hurt.
78. I now have Grindr and Hornet in my phone! Yahoo!
79. My PR account got deactivated months ago from non-usage. Oh well.
80. I've just recently used Skype.
81. My Facebook account won't let me change my name anymore.
82. I just realized how Tanduay Ice makes me happy! Wheeeee!
83. I have a food journal where I log everything I eat. Started that two years ago.
84. Working in McKinley now. Eon/Daredevilry works next building. Yes, we do go out and chat somtimes.
85. I had s*x with his boyfriend once. Relax, it's just oral. :)
86. I don't purchase my books at National, Powerbooks, or Fully Booked anymore. It's Book Sale for me. baby!
87. I love tofu!
88. Addicted to Big Bang Theory.
89. I have just completed Amy Tan's fiction novels. So happy!
90. "Interesting" is my favorite word.
91. Coldplay and The Script are my favorite alternative bands. The Hardest Part and Exit Wounds, respectively.
92. I prefer sandos than shirts. Tank tops for those.
93. Last time I went to Bed bar was the formal launching of Hornet. Oh yeah, Bed is transferring to Greenfields in Mandaluyong. Farewell party by the 27th of April.
Memories. *Sniff *Sniff
94. I'm in love with high-cut shoes. I have no idea why but I feel more confident wearing them.
95. Speaking of being lacto-ovo-vegetarian, I make exceptions like pizza where I just take out the meat. Duh, it's pizza!
96. I love watching bareback porn.
97. I think Grindr guys are getting more and more overrated.
98. Still no abs. Grrr...
99. Blogging for me is still very much alive.
100. And I have yet to understand the concept of love thyself.
76. I have been a strict lacto-ovo-vegetarian for nearly six months. Hard but well worth it.
77. Sometimes, I push people away to avoid getting hurt.
78. I now have Grindr and Hornet in my phone! Yahoo!
79. My PR account got deactivated months ago from non-usage. Oh well.
80. I've just recently used Skype.
81. My Facebook account won't let me change my name anymore.
82. I just realized how Tanduay Ice makes me happy! Wheeeee!
83. I have a food journal where I log everything I eat. Started that two years ago.
84. Working in McKinley now. Eon/Daredevilry works next building. Yes, we do go out and chat somtimes.
85. I had s*x with his boyfriend once. Relax, it's just oral. :)
86. I don't purchase my books at National, Powerbooks, or Fully Booked anymore. It's Book Sale for me. baby!
87. I love tofu!
88. Addicted to Big Bang Theory.
89. I have just completed Amy Tan's fiction novels. So happy!
90. "Interesting" is my favorite word.
91. Coldplay and The Script are my favorite alternative bands. The Hardest Part and Exit Wounds, respectively.
92. I prefer sandos than shirts. Tank tops for those.
93. Last time I went to Bed bar was the formal launching of Hornet. Oh yeah, Bed is transferring to Greenfields in Mandaluyong. Farewell party by the 27th of April.
Memories. *Sniff *Sniff
94. I'm in love with high-cut shoes. I have no idea why but I feel more confident wearing them.
95. Speaking of being lacto-ovo-vegetarian, I make exceptions like pizza where I just take out the meat. Duh, it's pizza!
96. I love watching bareback porn.
97. I think Grindr guys are getting more and more overrated.
98. Still no abs. Grrr...
99. Blogging for me is still very much alive.
100. And I have yet to understand the concept of love thyself.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Sweet Boys
I was quietly sipping Jack Daniel's and Coke on the corner of Uno Lounge. It was Vackie's birthday and Kane invited me.
Gosh, I curse Jack Daniel and its potency. No food, just booze. Everyone seems to be alright with the set-up.
"Hey, how have you been?" Kane asked while I was busy gulping my liquor.
"I am good. As always."
"No boys lately?" He asked.
"None. As always."
He laughed. "Okay."
"Hay, it's hard to find someone decent nowadays!" I told him.
"I know, I know. Hey, talk to you later, my crush is here."
"Where?"
"There." He pointed towards the door. "You see G, I had this crush on him for the longest time."
I looked at the guy, very cute and very presentable too. A little taller than I am. Very cute.
And off he went to talk to his crush while I continued to drown myself with Jack Daniel's plus Mr. Bacardi joined us too.
Observing the two talk it was interesting, like old friends catching up. I was quite far so I wasn't able to hear their conversation but still, it was fun.
After how many rounds of drinking and me already feeling light-headed and tipsy I just realized that the two are still not finished talking.
The sun was rising and people were leaving the place, even Vackie had already left the place yet me, Kane, his crush were still there.
"OMG, this is like the longest flirtation I have ever seen." I was amusing myself because I was tired.
After a few minutes Kane bade goodbye to his crush. And we also went home.
A few days later I texted Kane: "Hey, sooooo, what happened back there?"
"Where?"
"In the club with Patrick. God, that was a long flirtation. Were you disappointed?"
"Ay, Patrick and I already dated."
"What?! When?"
"About last year, November."
"And then?"
"And then what?" He asked.
"No s*x?"
"None. It was a date only. We just had lunch."
"I see."
"Besides he's a sweet boy."
"What does that mean?"
"He only has s*x with his partner."
"Really? Hmmm... aren't we used to be like him?"
"Honey, we are beyond redemption."
I literally laughed loud upon reading his text.
Yet it got me thinking, s*x is easier to have nowadays. One conversation can already lead to bed. But why do we have to always give in to our urges? Because they're urges per se? I am not being prude. I am not being righteous here. That's not the point. I would like to try it again, sleeping with the guy I truly love. Appreciating every second next to him, just with him and only him. I would like to try sleeping with the guy I know by surname, first name and middle name and not just his first name or nickname. I would like to try sleeping with the guy who knows who I am, where I work, what I do, what my goals are, what my future plans are, and what my future plans are with him.
But for now, I'll keep Patrick's ideal in mind and that should do.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Club Emo
Recently, there has been a wave of club songs for the drama kings which you might find interesting:
1) Clarity by Zedd. Ah yes, Clarity is that song where you're confused about a person. Should you leave or stay? Would it be futile or fruitful in the end? Listen to it, it's got a nice medium tempo.
"If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity why are you my clarity?"
2) Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris. One of my absolute favorite. The first time I heard it I got hooked up immediately. Who wouldn't? I mean we meet guys, fall for them, only to find out they're not actually into being exclusive more so into commitments.
3) Just One Last Time by David Guetta. This song I just downloaded this week, and boy is it a good song or what? Nothing beats Guetta splashed with a little emo for a twist.
4) Finally Found You by Enrique Iglesias. This song together with the song above are the latest I have downloaded for my music collection. I am not sure how long they have been playing over the airwaves but it's just now I got to hear them. Or I just forgot that I may have heard them earlier. Oh well. Man, this song is so upbeat and the lyrics are top-notch. Protecting the one you truly love, whatever it takes. You may think it's corny and mushy - well it is - but the point is, it's a good song when you're feeling down.
5) Stay by Rihanna feat Bass King Remix. Okay, not necessarily a club/house song per se that's why I added the Bass King. This song tells a lot of how a person deals with someone he really treasures but people just feel that person is not for you. Against all odds. Wonderful song, really.
One common denominator: Relatable.
1) Clarity by Zedd. Ah yes, Clarity is that song where you're confused about a person. Should you leave or stay? Would it be futile or fruitful in the end? Listen to it, it's got a nice medium tempo.
"If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity why are you my clarity?"
2) Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris. One of my absolute favorite. The first time I heard it I got hooked up immediately. Who wouldn't? I mean we meet guys, fall for them, only to find out they're not actually into being exclusive more so into commitments.
3) Just One Last Time by David Guetta. This song I just downloaded this week, and boy is it a good song or what? Nothing beats Guetta splashed with a little emo for a twist.
4) Finally Found You by Enrique Iglesias. This song together with the song above are the latest I have downloaded for my music collection. I am not sure how long they have been playing over the airwaves but it's just now I got to hear them. Or I just forgot that I may have heard them earlier. Oh well. Man, this song is so upbeat and the lyrics are top-notch. Protecting the one you truly love, whatever it takes. You may think it's corny and mushy - well it is - but the point is, it's a good song when you're feeling down.
5) Stay by Rihanna feat Bass King Remix. Okay, not necessarily a club/house song per se that's why I added the Bass King. This song tells a lot of how a person deals with someone he really treasures but people just feel that person is not for you. Against all odds. Wonderful song, really.
One common denominator: Relatable.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Last Try
In a trance of disbelief.
I read the message again. Again and again.
"It couldn't be." I softly muttered to myself. "How can that be, Rob?" I read the last lines as if I couldn't understand it. Wouldn't understand it.
It was painful. I could never compare it with anything else.
But that's the problem with optimism sometimes, denial wants to kick in and you lose touch of what's there in front of you, the reality.
"Rob, please, let's start all over again."
"I don't know G..."
"Well at least make me up for lost time."
I wasn't thinking logically, reasonably. All the time I was just thinking: we have to make it work, I have to.
"Okay G. :)"
"Thank you."
Valentine's Day ended well for me and it felt really good.
Not a day passed without me thinking of him - his work, his muay thai practices, his family - everything. But no text was sent to him. I was still hoping he would make the effort, the initiative to at least show that somehow, he still cares the slightest bit.
No text was received as well.
A week passed and now my anxiety kicked in.
I texted him the boldest inquiry I have ever made: "Do you still think about me, Robbie?"
Those words conveyed desperation. But that was what I was at that moment in time.
I waited for an hour, then hours, then a day passed by.
And then...
"I do, I do think about you but it's not how it used to be, G."
And finally, as I read the text, I half-smiled and accepted the fact.
"Thanks." I replied.
Part 2
I read the message again. Again and again.
"It couldn't be." I softly muttered to myself. "How can that be, Rob?" I read the last lines as if I couldn't understand it. Wouldn't understand it.
It was painful. I could never compare it with anything else.
But that's the problem with optimism sometimes, denial wants to kick in and you lose touch of what's there in front of you, the reality.
"Rob, please, let's start all over again."
"I don't know G..."
"Well at least make me up for lost time."
I wasn't thinking logically, reasonably. All the time I was just thinking: we have to make it work, I have to.
"Okay G. :)"
"Thank you."
Valentine's Day ended well for me and it felt really good.
Not a day passed without me thinking of him - his work, his muay thai practices, his family - everything. But no text was sent to him. I was still hoping he would make the effort, the initiative to at least show that somehow, he still cares the slightest bit.
No text was received as well.
A week passed and now my anxiety kicked in.
I texted him the boldest inquiry I have ever made: "Do you still think about me, Robbie?"
Those words conveyed desperation. But that was what I was at that moment in time.
I waited for an hour, then hours, then a day passed by.
And then...
"I do, I do think about you but it's not how it used to be, G."
And finally, as I read the text, I half-smiled and accepted the fact.
"Thanks." I replied.
Part 2
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Last Try
It was Valentine's Day. Everyone seemed happy, perky. It seemed everyone is in a good mood.
I wasn't. It felt weird. I know I shouldn't be but I really did.
"I miss Robbie." I murmured to myself upon waking up at 19:00.
I was in mental torture; in constant confusion. I wanted to talk to him, even just through text to know what happened, or for a better question, why it happened?
Getting out of bed, my head felt heavy and my heart, heavier. I forced myself to wake up and eat dinner but my appetite is in rebound of wanting and not wanting to eat.
"Should I or shouldn't I?" There was a battle of pride inside me.
I kept pacing maniacally around the house going through the living room to the kitchen - back and forth, back and forth.
After a few minutes I asked Vince of his number.
"Hey Vince, can I ask for Robbie's number?"
"Sure G, hold on." He replied.
"Thanks."
A few minutes of waiting and I received it through business card.
Still in doubt but gulped my pride.
"Happy Valentine's Robbie."
"Hey G, same to you too! :)"
"How have you been?"
"I am good. Busy finishing some papers."
"I see."
"How is your Valentine's Day so far, G?"
"Well I just woke up. Stayed at home because I have work tonight. You?"
"Went out with friends and had dinner. :)"
"That is good to know Robbie. I am happy for you."
And suddenly I felt the need to ask him the question I have been saving up for when we meet.
"Hey Robbie, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"What happened?"
"I'm not sure I'm getting you."
"What happened between us? I thought we were okay?"
"Well G when you said goodbye I thought that was it. It would be better for us to stop it. I think it was better that way."
I think it was better that way.
Those seven words resonated like glass crashing into millions of precious pieces to the ground.
My emotions were at a standstill.
Part 1
I wasn't. It felt weird. I know I shouldn't be but I really did.
"I miss Robbie." I murmured to myself upon waking up at 19:00.
I was in mental torture; in constant confusion. I wanted to talk to him, even just through text to know what happened, or for a better question, why it happened?
Getting out of bed, my head felt heavy and my heart, heavier. I forced myself to wake up and eat dinner but my appetite is in rebound of wanting and not wanting to eat.
"Should I or shouldn't I?" There was a battle of pride inside me.
I kept pacing maniacally around the house going through the living room to the kitchen - back and forth, back and forth.
After a few minutes I asked Vince of his number.
"Hey Vince, can I ask for Robbie's number?"
"Sure G, hold on." He replied.
"Thanks."
A few minutes of waiting and I received it through business card.
Still in doubt but gulped my pride.
"Happy Valentine's Robbie."
"Hey G, same to you too! :)"
"How have you been?"
"I am good. Busy finishing some papers."
"I see."
"How is your Valentine's Day so far, G?"
"Well I just woke up. Stayed at home because I have work tonight. You?"
"Went out with friends and had dinner. :)"
"That is good to know Robbie. I am happy for you."
And suddenly I felt the need to ask him the question I have been saving up for when we meet.
"Hey Robbie, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"What happened?"
"I'm not sure I'm getting you."
"What happened between us? I thought we were okay?"
"Well G when you said goodbye I thought that was it. It would be better for us to stop it. I think it was better that way."
I think it was better that way.
Those seven words resonated like glass crashing into millions of precious pieces to the ground.
My emotions were at a standstill.
Part 1
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
O Bar Ortigas 103
1. Come on poi dancers galore?
2. Oh the drag in drag shows.
3. The more alone you are, it doesn't mean you are more bookable.
4. Yeah, yeah, yeah there are tons of cute guys but there are also a lot of competition.
5. Own the ledge. No one barely dances on it.
6. There's a VIP section, really?
7. Hang on, hang on to your phones.
8. One tip: If you're not too tall, don't hang out at the bar area, you will get lost in the sea of crowd.
9. If guys tell you you're cute just tuck your bangs and smile. And walk away.
10. And yes, bigger is definitely better.
2. Oh the drag in drag shows.
3. The more alone you are, it doesn't mean you are more bookable.
4. Yeah, yeah, yeah there are tons of cute guys but there are also a lot of competition.
5. Own the ledge. No one barely dances on it.
6. There's a VIP section, really?
7. Hang on, hang on to your phones.
8. One tip: If you're not too tall, don't hang out at the bar area, you will get lost in the sea of crowd.
9. If guys tell you you're cute just tuck your bangs and smile. And walk away.
10. And yes, bigger is definitely better.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Of Cowardice
December 23rd
"So what now?" I texted him.
It has been days since we asked each other.
"I don't know G. I really don't."
"Can we talk about this Rob? I am sure we can settle something with talking to each other."
"I'm not sure. The family's busy. We have to prepare for tomorrow."
"I won't take a lot of your time Rob. I also have a family reunion to attend tomorrow too..."
"I'm not sure."
"Please."
"Okay."
"Can we meet after lunch?"
"Sure G."
"See you. Thanks."
And with that I was hopeful that we might be able to salvage something.
December 24th
Optimistic. I think that was my word for the day. I was optimistic that everything will fall as planned: that I am not forcing him to enter into any commitment, that I am happy with how we are, that the moment now is perfect - no need for changes.
I got up early just so I could help my family with what needs to be done in the house. I was happy. I truly believed that day that we would be able to compromise on some things.
And I waited for his confirmation in the morning for us to talk...
And waited until nearly afternoon...
And waited in the afternoon before we head for the family reunion...
And I waited until night time.
And I received nothing.
December 25th
"I wish nothing but the best for you Rob."
":)"
So for now I play Christina Perri's song on repeat. A reminder that we once had a moment I thought would last.
Part 3
"So what now?" I texted him.
It has been days since we asked each other.
"I don't know G. I really don't."
"Can we talk about this Rob? I am sure we can settle something with talking to each other."
"I'm not sure. The family's busy. We have to prepare for tomorrow."
"I won't take a lot of your time Rob. I also have a family reunion to attend tomorrow too..."
"I'm not sure."
"Please."
"Okay."
"Can we meet after lunch?"
"Sure G."
"See you. Thanks."
And with that I was hopeful that we might be able to salvage something.
December 24th
Optimistic. I think that was my word for the day. I was optimistic that everything will fall as planned: that I am not forcing him to enter into any commitment, that I am happy with how we are, that the moment now is perfect - no need for changes.
I got up early just so I could help my family with what needs to be done in the house. I was happy. I truly believed that day that we would be able to compromise on some things.
And I waited for his confirmation in the morning for us to talk...
And waited until nearly afternoon...
And waited in the afternoon before we head for the family reunion...
And I waited until night time.
And I received nothing.
December 25th
"I wish nothing but the best for you Rob."
":)"
So for now I play Christina Perri's song on repeat. A reminder that we once had a moment I thought would last.
Part 3
Friday, January 18, 2013
Of Cowardice
"I have died everyday waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you.
For a thousand years.
I love you for a thousand more."
As the credits started rolling and the lights opened around the theater, I unwrapped my hand around his.
"He just made me watch a movie I have loathed." I thought to myself. A movie I have watched the first time and never bothered watching the in-between installments.
It was mushy.
It was corny.
It was utterly, romantically ridiculous.
Yet I have enjoyed every minute of it - from the sharing of the caramel popcorn to the holding of the hands to the smacks - I felt jittery every single time.
I looked at him when we went out the theater and I thought I saw happiness. Like all the stresses in his family, his work, had all vanished. I felt the same. And I felt I made him feel that.
"But honey, I feel so intense about him." I told Kane over the phone one day.
"You just met the guy and you feel intense?!" He was surprised.
"I know. I mean it's barely even a month we started going out." I replied. "But I know I shouldn't feel this way. It's not yet right." I further said.
"Well you know how it is..."
"Yeah."
As the days passed by, I was feeling very ambivalent about him: I hate him when he barely communicates and yet wait longingly for the time he communicates with me. He tells me he does have16-hour straight shifts in the hospital and I do understand that.
One day he did not text me the whole day and when I checked my Facebook that night I saw him going for his Muay Thai session.
"It really frustrates me Kane."
"What frustrates you?"
"Him and his lack of communication. It really pisses me off. And I know it's not his issue but I have already opened this to him. Maybe..."
I stopped my thoughts. Deny them.
"You know G, I once met a guy similar to that."
"Oh yeah? What happened to you two?"
"Physically, I can take it but it was emotionally tolling. So if you can adjust and live with that then you two will be fine."
"Hay, I have already told this a million times, I don't like inconsistency."
"Relax, G. Relax."
"I am getting carried away again."
But that is the truth...I am and it seems weird...
Part 2
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you.
For a thousand years.
I love you for a thousand more."
As the credits started rolling and the lights opened around the theater, I unwrapped my hand around his.
"He just made me watch a movie I have loathed." I thought to myself. A movie I have watched the first time and never bothered watching the in-between installments.
It was mushy.
It was corny.
It was utterly, romantically ridiculous.
Yet I have enjoyed every minute of it - from the sharing of the caramel popcorn to the holding of the hands to the smacks - I felt jittery every single time.
I looked at him when we went out the theater and I thought I saw happiness. Like all the stresses in his family, his work, had all vanished. I felt the same. And I felt I made him feel that.
"But honey, I feel so intense about him." I told Kane over the phone one day.
"You just met the guy and you feel intense?!" He was surprised.
"I know. I mean it's barely even a month we started going out." I replied. "But I know I shouldn't feel this way. It's not yet right." I further said.
"Well you know how it is..."
"Yeah."
As the days passed by, I was feeling very ambivalent about him: I hate him when he barely communicates and yet wait longingly for the time he communicates with me. He tells me he does have16-hour straight shifts in the hospital and I do understand that.
One day he did not text me the whole day and when I checked my Facebook that night I saw him going for his Muay Thai session.
"It really frustrates me Kane."
"What frustrates you?"
"Him and his lack of communication. It really pisses me off. And I know it's not his issue but I have already opened this to him. Maybe..."
I stopped my thoughts. Deny them.
"You know G, I once met a guy similar to that."
"Oh yeah? What happened to you two?"
"Physically, I can take it but it was emotionally tolling. So if you can adjust and live with that then you two will be fine."
"Hay, I have already told this a million times, I don't like inconsistency."
"Relax, G. Relax."
"I am getting carried away again."
But that is the truth...I am and it seems weird...
Part 2
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Of Cowardice
I was afraid of the truth.
"But G, I feel pressured." Rob told me over the phone.
"I am not forcing anything Rob. I am happy with how things are, with how we are." I replied.
"But what if you do want something more and I cannot provide you that?"
"Let's just enjoy the moment Rob."
He was introduced by a friend. Initially, we didn't hit it off but the second encounter proved otherwise.
Everything I could have chosen for a guy: a nurse taking his PhD in counseling, an educator who teaches to out-of-school people where I also got involved, a foodie who likes milk tea and caramel popcorn, a muay thai enthusiast, and a man with a good heart. That is what he is
Holding hands inside the movie theater, light touches in milk tea places, short glances in public places. It was as if the world was ours, or perhaps a part of it was ours when we are together.
But I knew something was amiss; something peculiar every time we don't see each other...
He barely communicates.
And I know that for me it was something of an issue because constant communication is a must.
Yet I refused to the idea of him letting go.
"He is not seeing anyone G. He told me so. And I tell you he is one of the nicest person." Vin, our common friend, told me over the phone.
So no one can blame me for having that spark of hope. After all, aren't we all given chances to love again?
There I was being optimistic again...
Part 1
"But G, I feel pressured." Rob told me over the phone.
"I am not forcing anything Rob. I am happy with how things are, with how we are." I replied.
"But what if you do want something more and I cannot provide you that?"
"Let's just enjoy the moment Rob."
He was introduced by a friend. Initially, we didn't hit it off but the second encounter proved otherwise.
Everything I could have chosen for a guy: a nurse taking his PhD in counseling, an educator who teaches to out-of-school people where I also got involved, a foodie who likes milk tea and caramel popcorn, a muay thai enthusiast, and a man with a good heart. That is what he is
Holding hands inside the movie theater, light touches in milk tea places, short glances in public places. It was as if the world was ours, or perhaps a part of it was ours when we are together.
But I knew something was amiss; something peculiar every time we don't see each other...
He barely communicates.
And I know that for me it was something of an issue because constant communication is a must.
Yet I refused to the idea of him letting go.
"He is not seeing anyone G. He told me so. And I tell you he is one of the nicest person." Vin, our common friend, told me over the phone.
So no one can blame me for having that spark of hope. After all, aren't we all given chances to love again?
There I was being optimistic again...
Part 1
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