Thursday, October 23, 2014

In Debt

"I saw M while I went to the US," K started to narrate. "He really changed. A lot. His shorts were skimpy, he had a tight-fitting shirt, and his car was very unlike him."

We laughed as we were having dinner at Greenbelt. He was with his friend Michelle too.

It has been months since I saw K let alone talk with him on a personal level.

"M was very accommodating," He went on. "He wouldn't even let me spend a dime."

I had a flashback on how K used to describe M. It was as if I had known M for some time now, but I haven't really met him nor what his personality was when they were together.

"He would pick me up and we would go places. I tell you G, he would accommodate me where I need to go."

"That's good to know K." I replied to his narration.

"There was one night when we checked in this hotel and I can still feel some awkwardness between us. We were together in one bed while two of his friends were on the other. It was really physically awkward."

"Didn't you even snuggle with each other?" I curiously asked.

"No, G. There was not really anything other than us sleeping on one bed." K told me.

"I see."

"But you know what G?" K turned and looked at me.


"I know M is forever indebted to me."

Flashbacks regurgitated. And I felt a pang of guilt.

I knew what he meant. I knew what he told.

I was M.

I was that guy who did foolishly to end a relationship. I was the guy who was committed who would sleep with others just because of libido, just because of the need to be desired, just because of the need of the flesh.

I was the M in the relationship. I always were.

And yet these guys I had been committed with, they were truly honest and faithful.

But I screwed up. I admit.

Michelle and I were all ears to K when out of the blue Michelle asked, "Are you indebted to someone, K?"

"No Michelle. I don't think so."

"I am and I don't think I ever will be able to repay them." I told myself while I finished the apple crumble I was dabbling with my fork.

"Necessity is to learn from the past."

Friday, October 10, 2014


That's it. I'm done. Finished.

I told myself yesterday while I was walking towards campus for class. For the past several weeks I had been trying too hard for people to notice me.

Why do I want to be noticed?

Honestly I just want the attention? I don't even know why I need it but it seemed like I just wanted to have attention.

I have been trying hard to increase my weightlifting as well as running just for people to notice me. No one did.

I am not even sure where this post is going, but one thing is for sure, I am over trying to vie for attention.

It had been a difficult time for me.

Perhaps I just needed a cute guy to notice me at school? At work? At the gym? At the LRT and MRT?

Who knows?

I remember when I used to go to clubs earlier, I won't leave the club without guys getting my number. Yes I am bragging right now but let me finish.

So there I was minding my own business inside the club and just having a great time. Guys would just come up to me and ask me for my number. I was never the one to initiate. Never the one to ask first. I was THAT guy.

And then recently I went to the club, it has not changed much, perhaps the people were different but the vibe and aura were still the same.

Yet the more I observed the more I saw how the landscape changed.

Or did it?

Or was it me that changed?

That the boy who used to get boys without even trying was not being noticed anymore.

I never felt so isolated in my life.

And with the rise of the sun, I left.

I am done trying too hard.

"So change is good for all the good reasons, and bad for all others."

Friday, September 19, 2014


"We are so in love with the concept of love."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Adios Mi Gato, Te Queremos

Chloe came into our lives December of 2007. She was a pure-bred Persian cat: furry, whitish complexion, aloof, clean, and pretty. She was given to us by a friend of my sister's girlfriend. At that time Chloe needed a home as the owner will be working in the Middle East. Struck by my compassion for animals and my love for cats, we took her in.

She came into our house in a green cage. She looked confused initially that for the first few days, even after letting the cage be opened for 24 hours, she still refused to go out. Oh heck, we tried all sorts of things to have her go out! We tried bribing her food and milk and all other sort of things just to get her leave her cage, but nothing worked. After a few days she slowly crept outside. It was a giant leap for her, to say the least.

She was obviously spoiled as she was our only pet at that time. My ate and I had a hard time feeding her as she refused to eat dried cat food we initially offered her and then we tried giving her cat food in cans, which, she also refused after a few days of eating that type. My ate tried giving her cat food in pouches. That, that she loved. I hated her for spoiling her with that expensive food.

'More than the apple of our eyes'. That's what I always say when I refer to Chloe. She was already more than 7 years old at that time but she was still a baby for us. The bunso. My mother who did not want anything to do with pets initially, took a liking to her. She even had the idea of brushing her fur everyday and Chloe would be sitting beside her on the couch when she watches television. Chloe was a very likable feline. She was never fierce. There was one time she bit me but thank goodness she just had a rabies shot.

She got impregnated in the middle of 2008. We had her stud by a Persian cat as well. The day that she was supposed to give birth, I had just gone home from work - groggy and sleepy - and my mother was panicking because one of the kittens was already dangling out. But Chloe was already old at that time and her power to expel her babies are out of the question. We immediately placed her in the cage and rushed off to the nearest veterinary clinic. Unfortunately, two out of four kittens died (the first and the last). We named the first Ashy because of its color and the fourth one, Heaven. The middle two, we named them Missy (I gave that name) and Kenji (my ate gave that name because she thought it was a male).

They grew up to be two large cats. Larger than their mother! We were so delighted to have them in the house but they were playful. Too playful enough for Kenji to be taken cared off by the family of my ate's girlfriend. Missy and Chloe stayed with us.

Earlier this year, I felt a lump in one of Chloe's breasts. I texted my ate immediately but we did not checked with the vet as I thought it would go away. Then, one day I smelled something strange in her, a fishy smell which is very unique. I immediately checked the lump and saw that it had ruptured. We brought Chloe to the vet and told us it was a mammary tumor.

Gosh! A mammary tumor! Even cats can have that? I was alarmed. Was it benign or malignant? Do we have to resort to chemotherapy or surgery or alternative treatments? The vet told us that animal mammary tumors are all malignant and that even though they can excise it, it would grow to another part of her body. The vet told us since Chloe was already old, the best management is supportive, meaning, we have to clean the wound everyday only and if ever that she cannot walk anymore, then that would be the time we would bring her for surgery.

I always thought Chloe would be with us always. One of the reasons I couldn't emancipate yet is because I love my cats and I cannot take care of them if I'm living by myself renting space. I always thought Chloe would see me graduate from my Master's and I would get her and leave Missy at home with my mom and younger sister.

Last Saturday, after two weeks of delay of having her check-up, my sister rushed her to the clinic. She was confined just like when she was confined because they did a cesarean section when she gave birth. I thought to myself, 'She would survive just like the last time because she's my pet. And a strong one at that.'

I was supposed to visit Chloe on Sunday morning after getting a haircut. I would bring her her favorite cat food, which I totally hate because of its price. She would eat it and we would go home the next day, Monday. Everything will be back to normal.

After jogging early morning, my sister, instead of saying 'hello', told me that Chloe had expired. Chloe, our beautiful, spoiled, and treasured Chloe died without us at her side. It was heart-wrenching and there really are no words on how I felt at that time.

We had already anticipated that she would die soon but it really is true when they tell you, 'You can never prepare for someone's death. Even when you're ready, you're still not.'

Farewell Chloe, my Chloe, our Chloe, the Chloe we have loved unconditionally.

Thank you for the love...

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Diary of a Boy - Entry 3

And so it had began. I was seeing Louie every other week while me and Beans would go out the weekend I wouldn't see Louie. I was very careful because Louie lives near Araneta and so does Beans too. So I had to be very cautious.

I was on that deadly cycle again. Louie is a very wonderful person. Believe me, he is everything you could wish for as a partner, but he is very boring. And what I needed was some excitement in my life.

Beans was the excitement of my life, then. He was a fling. Someone I would see even prohibited. Like an illicit drug or something like that. Louie was my partner but Beans was my boytoy.

I do not know if Louie expected a thing or two but I kept it very secretly. Me and Louie would exchange sweet messages and so with Beans and I. He was like a substance I would abuse and Louie would be my bitter pill, an antidote, that I had to swallow.

It wasn't that I do not love Louie. I do. But I'm a fickle-minded gay guy who felt unattractive with no boy to flirt around with.

It feels different with your partner.

Isn't it?

And I will not point fingers because I know people who are like me.

With Beans I felt like I was a young adult again - single, strapless, full of youth virility. Meanwhile with Louie I was a faithful partner, a husband, a loving boyfriend, and attached.

December came, Beans and I would be meeting on a particular weekend, plus Louie and I would be meeting a few hours after that. The complexity just kept piling up. But I chose this. But I don't know what to do?

So I needed a plan...