Friday, September 19, 2014

Ideals

"We are so in love with the concept of love."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Adios Mi Gato, Te Queremos

Chloe came into our lives December of 2007. She was a pure-bred Persian cat: furry, whitish complexion, aloof, clean, and pretty. She was given to us by a friend of my sister's girlfriend. At that time Chloe needed a home as the owner will be working in the Middle East. Struck by my compassion for animals and my love for cats, we took her in.

She came into our house in a green cage. She looked confused initially that for the first few days, even after letting the cage be opened for 24 hours, she still refused to go out. Oh heck, we tried all sorts of things to have her go out! We tried bribing her food and milk and all other sort of things just to get her leave her cage, but nothing worked. After a few days she slowly crept outside. It was a giant leap for her, to say the least.

She was obviously spoiled as she was our only pet at that time. My ate and I had a hard time feeding her as she refused to eat dried cat food we initially offered her and then we tried giving her cat food in cans, which, she also refused after a few days of eating that type. My ate tried giving her cat food in pouches. That, that she loved. I hated her for spoiling her with that expensive food.

'More than the apple of our eyes'. That's what I always say when I refer to Chloe. She was already more than 7 years old at that time but she was still a baby for us. The bunso. My mother who did not want anything to do with pets initially, took a liking to her. She even had the idea of brushing her fur everyday and Chloe would be sitting beside her on the couch when she watches television. Chloe was a very likable feline. She was never fierce. There was one time she bit me but thank goodness she just had a rabies shot.

She got impregnated in the middle of 2008. We had her stud by a Persian cat as well. The day that she was supposed to give birth, I had just gone home from work - groggy and sleepy - and my mother was panicking because one of the kittens was already dangling out. But Chloe was already old at that time and her power to expel her babies are out of the question. We immediately placed her in the cage and rushed off to the nearest veterinary clinic. Unfortunately, two out of four kittens died (the first and the last). We named the first Ashy because of its color and the fourth one, Heaven. The middle two, we named them Missy (I gave that name) and Kenji (my ate gave that name because she thought it was a male).

They grew up to be two large cats. Larger than their mother! We were so delighted to have them in the house but they were playful. Too playful enough for Kenji to be taken cared off by the family of my ate's girlfriend. Missy and Chloe stayed with us.

Earlier this year, I felt a lump in one of Chloe's breasts. I texted my ate immediately but we did not checked with the vet as I thought it would go away. Then, one day I smelled something strange in her, a fishy smell which is very unique. I immediately checked the lump and saw that it had ruptured. We brought Chloe to the vet and told us it was a mammary tumor.

Gosh! A mammary tumor! Even cats can have that? I was alarmed. Was it benign or malignant? Do we have to resort to chemotherapy or surgery or alternative treatments? The vet told us that animal mammary tumors are all malignant and that even though they can excise it, it would grow to another part of her body. The vet told us since Chloe was already old, the best management is supportive, meaning, we have to clean the wound everyday only and if ever that she cannot walk anymore, then that would be the time we would bring her for surgery.

I always thought Chloe would be with us always. One of the reasons I couldn't emancipate yet is because I love my cats and I cannot take care of them if I'm living by myself renting space. I always thought Chloe would see me graduate from my Master's and I would get her and leave Missy at home with my mom and younger sister.

Last Saturday, after two weeks of delay of having her check-up, my sister rushed her to the clinic. She was confined just like when she was confined because they did a cesarean section when she gave birth. I thought to myself, 'She would survive just like the last time because she's my pet. And a strong one at that.'

I was supposed to visit Chloe on Sunday morning after getting a haircut. I would bring her her favorite cat food, which I totally hate because of its price. She would eat it and we would go home the next day, Monday. Everything will be back to normal.

After jogging early morning, my sister, instead of saying 'hello', told me that Chloe had expired. Chloe, our beautiful, spoiled, and treasured Chloe died without us at her side. It was heart-wrenching and there really are no words on how I felt at that time.

We had already anticipated that she would die soon but it really is true when they tell you, 'You can never prepare for someone's death. Even when you're ready, you're still not.'

Farewell Chloe, my Chloe, our Chloe, the Chloe we have loved unconditionally.

Thank you for the love...

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Diary of a Boy - Entry 3

And so it had began. I was seeing Louie every other week while me and Beans would go out the weekend I wouldn't see Louie. I was very careful because Louie lives near Araneta and so does Beans too. So I had to be very cautious.

I was on that deadly cycle again. Louie is a very wonderful person. Believe me, he is everything you could wish for as a partner, but he is very boring. And what I needed was some excitement in my life.

Beans was the excitement of my life, then. He was a fling. Someone I would see even prohibited. Like an illicit drug or something like that. Louie was my partner but Beans was my boytoy.

I do not know if Louie expected a thing or two but I kept it very secretly. Me and Louie would exchange sweet messages and so with Beans and I. He was like a substance I would abuse and Louie would be my bitter pill, an antidote, that I had to swallow.

It wasn't that I do not love Louie. I do. But I'm a fickle-minded gay guy who felt unattractive with no boy to flirt around with.

It feels different with your partner.

Isn't it?

And I will not point fingers because I know people who are like me.

With Beans I felt like I was a young adult again - single, strapless, full of youth virility. Meanwhile with Louie I was a faithful partner, a husband, a loving boyfriend, and attached.

December came, Beans and I would be meeting on a particular weekend, plus Louie and I would be meeting a few hours after that. The complexity just kept piling up. But I chose this. But I don't know what to do?

So I needed a plan...

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Waiver

If ignorance is bliss then innocence is Nirvana.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Diary of a Boy - Entry 2

"Hi Beans, how are you doing?" I continued.

"I am doing okay, G. I am glad. :)" He replied.

"Why are you glad if I may ask?"

"Because you texted me."

"Of course I would. Why wouldn't I? ;)"

"Well, I thought you were really aloof in the club. I thought you wouldn't even talk to me."

"Haha. Sorry. I am just like that inside clubs. I don't really smile much. But I am really friendly. I swear!"

"Were you alone that time?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I like to be alone when I go out. It gives me a sense of isolation." "How about you? Were you alone that time?" I added.

"I was with my friends. I belong to a clan."

"I see."

"Do you have one?"

"None."

"Why not?"

"Well to tell you the truth Beans, I see clans as a waste of time. Boys who have nothing productive to do than have eyeballs, meet new people, and taste each other."

"That's not all true but I do hope we could be friends, G."

"I don't see why not Beans."

Beans was still in College then. He was taking the same course as I took up. He is an intelligent boy with the looks to boot too. After our meeting in the club, it was not until eight months later that I would be meeting him again...even when I was already committed with someone.



I still cannot believe I committed again. It was such a long time since I said 'yes'. I can still remember my last ex who'll be leaving for Abu Dhabi soon...

I can still remember the last night we slept together in his place. My back against his back. I was sobbing. I tried not to but the tears just flowed from my eyes. I'm a cry baby and I admit that.

"Am I not worth it?" I asked him while my tears were slowly sliding from my cheeks to his pillow.

"You have to understand, it's not that I don't love you, I do, but I have to do this for me and for my family."

And then he left a few weeks after. My heart was still aching but perhaps that was for the best.

We left our conversation there. No goodbyes. No waving at the airport. Nothing.

And so I committed with Louie after being single for nearly two years. Me. In love. Again.