Of Lessons (L)earned

 I spent Php180,000 in one day.

It was too many to spend in a day.

Too many to spend in a week.

Too many to spend in a month.

And probably too many to spend in a year.

My thinking is a mess.

My emotions' a mess.

My sleep is a mess.

My eating is a mess.

Everything right now is a mess since Pepper's death.

Two weeks after and I am grieving stronger than ever.

And I really just want it to stop, but I can't. It's too painful, that sometimes I catch myself crying at night.

I clench my jaws and my fists simultaneously, hoping the sadness goes away.

Even with medication, my sleep is always broken and I feel not well-rested.

It signifies that I am currently experiencing emotional dysregulation.

According to National Institutes of Health (NIH), emotional dysregulation is defined as patterns of emotional experience or expression that interfere with goal-directed activity.

You see, growing up, I never had any emotional support from our parents. What I was going through, I went through it alone. In some ways, it was an advantage. In some, a disadvantage.

There was no one to guide me that my emotions or feelings are valid. It was up to me to figure that out:

The feelings of confusion over my sexuality.

The loss after a heartbreak.

That feeling of being bullied at work.

The overwhelming sadness related to grief.

Sure, it paved the way on what I am today. And I still am thankful. The past cannot be undone. 

And this is where I would like to ask a huge favor to parents and future parents' alike.

To teach your kids how to regulate their emotions.

That what they are feeling as of the moment is valid and true.

That it is part of human experience to have these surges in emotions.

And yes, there is absolutely no official manual for this. But your guidance will help them build an emotionally stronger person. Probably more adapt to the changing landscape of human psychological development.

Right now I am left with an intense feeling of sadness with a much less savings account.

But this is just a setback. I'll push through this no matter what.

And I hope your children, too.

Because in life...There are no regrets, only lessons to be learned.