(Pa) Hinga

 

I went to Bayern (Bavaria) last weekend.

I needed a good breather.

Halos hindi na ako makahinga sa Berlin.

At hindi ko rin maipaliwanag bakit...

Loneliness?

Sadness?

Aloneness?

Burnout?

I can`t...I can`t put it to words, honestly.

It may be a combination of all these feelings.

And even though I am taking my antidepressants regularly, it still does not go away.

This eerie feeling of unknown.

But I acknowledge this feeling. Hindi ko lang talaga ma-figure-out kung bakit.

Physically, okay ako. I go 4-5 times a week sa gym. Happy naman so far.

Profesionally, I am doing great. My Supervisor gave me outstanding feedback for the second year in a row.

Financially, also doing awesome. Nakakatipid para sa sarili and para sa future.

Emotionally, wala namang bago. Zero lovelife. Haha. Looking for my future husband, without actually looking.

All in all, walang problema.

Pero bakit ganoon?

I feel empty.

Like life is supposed to be better and more colorful now that I am achieving what I have been dreaming and aiming for.

Ganoon ba talaga kapag single?

Or probably because I am turning 40 and I feel it`s the end of the road for me as far as looking for a partner is concerned?

I think, subconsciously, ayun na nga. Matanda na si bakla.

Ah ewan. Bahala na si Batman.

Kwentuhan ko na lang kayo kung anong ginawa ko sa Bavaria...

Part 1