January 2010 is not just the start of a new year but also the end of another decade.
It is perfect to say that everyone is entitled to a new lease in life with a fresh new start of this year but I, personally, would want to recall the past decade and how I lived my life through it.
New beginning, new bonds, new friends, new acquaintances, new experiences, new learning, new thoughts, new ideas, new challenges, new difficulties, new stresses, new fulfillment, new satisfaction, new ME.
I would cherish everything that has happened to me for the last decade, I want to keep them and recollect all of them, may it be bad or good, worse or better, worst or best. Not necessarily thrive and think about them, just enough to make me realize that life, when I experienced those aren't half bad. :)
A lot of things happened over the years, I may be still in school most of the time but I learned a lot in and out the campus. The society and environment are ever so changing, it's a fast-paced world where in a snap, everything you could ever wish for or obtained is either gained or lost.
The last decade provided me with heartaches, troubles, doubts, hesitations, suspicions, speculations, joys, happiness, bliss and what have you. It provided me with information and know how on how to deal with life (more?) and what to do when crisis arises.
I am thankful for the people that came in and out of my life. People I've met and people that struck me in the most different of ways. People who influenced me to be bolder, more courageous and more of a risk-taker. People I don't think I could ever meet this lifetime but I did, and so I applaud you for giving me the chance to know you better, to make you feel that I am just around whenever you need help and vice-versa.
I could have done much better when it comes to handling things but alas, my delicate and fragile nature really gets the best of me. Although with age comes maturity and I'm hoping I really learn from my past mistakes. I am stubborn, and I get what I want when I need it, but it makes me feel so bad in the end. Hopefully with more patience and understanding and more self-help, I'd be able to comprehend things or situations that needs deep contemplation. Or the very least an overview to simplify a complicated one.
The New Year is here to stay and I wish everyone the best of 2010 and the succeeding years to come!
And so, to end this post, I have my list of New Year's Resolutions:
1) Stability in an occupation related to my career path or course. I'm a NURSE DAMMIT, not a CSR!
2) Get leaner. The holidays made me add a pound to my weight, I love the holidays but it's back to diet. Man! How do you build six pack abs anyway???
3) Be more of a risk-taker. Already a young professional but still afraid to make a big leap, although with me finding a hospital job, I already turned down an offer from a company with good compensation. If worse comes to worse, I may be eating danggit and dried mangoes for breakfast. :)
4) Simplify life. I totally agree with my friend of mine when she said that Simple is Beautiful. Life will always have its way of making things complicated but YOU have a way to take it easy and not thrive too much. OVER-ANALYZING will be a taboo for me.
5) Moving On. I have a problem with ruminating situations, people, experiences, places...everything that I can think of when I'm alone or even when I'm with someone, I'm this type of person who lets go easily but is having difficulty moving on, although, I'm learning but there is still much to learn and more to note.
6) Blog More. I never have been happier because of my blog. One that I really established with my own thoughts and experiences, one I can definitely call my own. I know I could always vent out my feelings to friends but this is more enjoyable, venting out to my blog and to my special people I treasure are the best. I can always look back on how I perceive things with this blog.
7) Help Others More. One of my main purposes of staying alive is to help people deal with problems. I know I'm not a sponge but I could do my part in at least easing the pain of the person. I may be of small help but I am thankful that I can help.
So to 2010, A Merry, Happy, Gay, Jolly, Perky, Humorous, Satisfying, Fulfilling and Successful Year to Us All!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Holiday Hook-up
The smell of Bastie's CK one still lingers in my mouth as I'm imagining how torridly we kissed hours before the year 2010 will take place. His body pressed on to mine and even though I'm having a hard time breathing normally from the weight, I'm suffocated but the thought of the deed elevates my libido more and more.
The kiss from his sumptuous lips were far more from what I expected, his lower lip smoothly touches my upper lip, his tongue swinging from one end of my mouth to the next. It was an afternoon delight that I was looking forward to before the year 2009 takes a halt.
I have been in abstinence for too long that the moment we saw each other in the mall, my aura just intensified and my pleasure principle shot up like hot water from a geyser. Hey, I am pretty sure we have the same last minute motives, that is why I was not being hesitant to ask him if we could meet up on the 31st. He gladly and willingly obliged. It takes one to know one.
People from all corners of the street were merry making, we, on the other hand were making something. Children and adults were holding fire crackers for the festivities, we, don't need firecrackers to be festive. Couples clenched together gallivanting on the streets just to kill time before the year ends, meanwhile, we were grasping together in parts too explicit to tell.
The year may be ending in a while, exactly 3 hours and 37 minutes. But meeting him will not be the end for a bit... as long as I can still taste his flesh and sweat from my lips...
The kiss from his sumptuous lips were far more from what I expected, his lower lip smoothly touches my upper lip, his tongue swinging from one end of my mouth to the next. It was an afternoon delight that I was looking forward to before the year 2009 takes a halt.
I have been in abstinence for too long that the moment we saw each other in the mall, my aura just intensified and my pleasure principle shot up like hot water from a geyser. Hey, I am pretty sure we have the same last minute motives, that is why I was not being hesitant to ask him if we could meet up on the 31st. He gladly and willingly obliged. It takes one to know one.
People from all corners of the street were merry making, we, on the other hand were making something. Children and adults were holding fire crackers for the festivities, we, don't need firecrackers to be festive. Couples clenched together gallivanting on the streets just to kill time before the year ends, meanwhile, we were grasping together in parts too explicit to tell.
The year may be ending in a while, exactly 3 hours and 37 minutes. But meeting him will not be the end for a bit... as long as I can still taste his flesh and sweat from my lips...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
A Bit of Infidelity to Preserve a Long Commitment
Scenario:
Guy A has a long time partner of more than a year and feeling very monotonous about the relationship. He feels there is already lacking and the excitement part is unfelt anymore. Guy A thinks something needs to be done before he completely falls out of love. Guy A thinks Guy B is the one he could stay with for a long time but is just scared of falling out...
Guy B on the other hand has no problem with his relationship to Guy A. He is very happy with his life with him and every moment spent is every moment well worth living. He is very understandable, patient, kind and wants to give the whole world to Guy A.
Meanwhile, Guy A went on a flirting mode to a social networking site now owned by an Asian Company for the sum of $10 million dollars, but anyway, he chats with people over there. He doesn't really message people, it's more of, people giving him a message and then he starts the deed of flirting. Guy A thinks that this is something very unhealthy to a long term commitment but wants to salvage the existing one through flirting and hooking-up with other people just to entice him better so that he could stay longer for Guy B.
Does this seem too familiar?
Or perhaps a twisted plot to make you think it's familiar?
Guy A is very egocentric and self-centered, he considers himself humble but acts so proud of himself. People look up to him and tell him that he has so much potential but Guy A, doesn't believe so.Even Guy B knows there is still something that needs to be unleashed with Guy A. But, he has a very low self-esteem coming from his childhood memories of him being teased and insulted and mocked. It's a worst kid's nightmare because the memories are still coming back every now and then.
Guy B remains the faithful, loving boyfriend that he really is, from the first time they met until everything is nearly faltering. He's the type of person that is very in sync with his feelings and emotions. He doesn't need any one telling him how bad or good he is. He already established himself as someone who may not look good but acts great. Guy B is the type who you would fall not because of his physicality but of his heart.
You know it's really ironic how things work. In this case, Guy A wants a long lasting relationship with Guy B but doesn't want to get bored with him or what not so he flies from hook-up to hook-up just to spice and maintain his relationship with his partner. Don't get Guy A wrong, he deeply loves Guy B and wants to share his life with him as well but Guy B is a little on the dull and drab side of personality.
The only things they share in common are food and sex.
Everything is opposite there on. But their differences are in a way, pieces of a puzzle which are inter-locking and connected to each other.
How do you perceive this kind of set-up?
Do you think this is normal for a relationship that's been going on for quite sometime?
I vaguely remembered a gay man in his 40's, let us call him Po (from Kung-fu Panda) who has a partner of the same age. They have been together for nearly 19 fruitful years and in between the length of the relationship, both of them, although not admittingly, are having sex with other men.
When asked why he does it, he answered that both of them know that they love each other and they are in it for the long haul but it's just natural that you get tired of the same lifestyle that both of them have been accustomed.
Is it libido calling? Or perhaps one's longing for something new? Or both?
All I know is that I am, hands down, a culprit of this act. I know it may look immoral nor is it acceptable but I still know my boundaries and limitations when it comes to playing the deadly game of flirting when unavailable. It may take some time for people to accept this deed or they may never even accept the idea but the bottom line is that:
Every person is capable of doing the impossible if choice permits.
Guy A has a long time partner of more than a year and feeling very monotonous about the relationship. He feels there is already lacking and the excitement part is unfelt anymore. Guy A thinks something needs to be done before he completely falls out of love. Guy A thinks Guy B is the one he could stay with for a long time but is just scared of falling out...
Guy B on the other hand has no problem with his relationship to Guy A. He is very happy with his life with him and every moment spent is every moment well worth living. He is very understandable, patient, kind and wants to give the whole world to Guy A.
Meanwhile, Guy A went on a flirting mode to a social networking site now owned by an Asian Company for the sum of $10 million dollars, but anyway, he chats with people over there. He doesn't really message people, it's more of, people giving him a message and then he starts the deed of flirting. Guy A thinks that this is something very unhealthy to a long term commitment but wants to salvage the existing one through flirting and hooking-up with other people just to entice him better so that he could stay longer for Guy B.
Does this seem too familiar?
Or perhaps a twisted plot to make you think it's familiar?
Guy A is very egocentric and self-centered, he considers himself humble but acts so proud of himself. People look up to him and tell him that he has so much potential but Guy A, doesn't believe so.Even Guy B knows there is still something that needs to be unleashed with Guy A. But, he has a very low self-esteem coming from his childhood memories of him being teased and insulted and mocked. It's a worst kid's nightmare because the memories are still coming back every now and then.
Guy B remains the faithful, loving boyfriend that he really is, from the first time they met until everything is nearly faltering. He's the type of person that is very in sync with his feelings and emotions. He doesn't need any one telling him how bad or good he is. He already established himself as someone who may not look good but acts great. Guy B is the type who you would fall not because of his physicality but of his heart.
You know it's really ironic how things work. In this case, Guy A wants a long lasting relationship with Guy B but doesn't want to get bored with him or what not so he flies from hook-up to hook-up just to spice and maintain his relationship with his partner. Don't get Guy A wrong, he deeply loves Guy B and wants to share his life with him as well but Guy B is a little on the dull and drab side of personality.
The only things they share in common are food and sex.
Everything is opposite there on. But their differences are in a way, pieces of a puzzle which are inter-locking and connected to each other.
How do you perceive this kind of set-up?
Do you think this is normal for a relationship that's been going on for quite sometime?
I vaguely remembered a gay man in his 40's, let us call him Po (from Kung-fu Panda) who has a partner of the same age. They have been together for nearly 19 fruitful years and in between the length of the relationship, both of them, although not admittingly, are having sex with other men.
When asked why he does it, he answered that both of them know that they love each other and they are in it for the long haul but it's just natural that you get tired of the same lifestyle that both of them have been accustomed.
Is it libido calling? Or perhaps one's longing for something new? Or both?
All I know is that I am, hands down, a culprit of this act. I know it may look immoral nor is it acceptable but I still know my boundaries and limitations when it comes to playing the deadly game of flirting when unavailable. It may take some time for people to accept this deed or they may never even accept the idea but the bottom line is that:
Every person is capable of doing the impossible if choice permits.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Profundity
Wisest is the man who appreciates the simplest things in life.
On the 27th of December, around 23:00 Manila time, I experienced something unexplainable, a meeting of the minds that wasn't supposed to end that way.
Bobot, a man in his early 50's was able to narrate and share how he coped up with being gay in his early life. He is a simple, conservative but agile when it comes to sex, yet, when he was telling us his stories, there was no air nor boastfulness coming from his lips. The words were delicately cascading like a waterfall to a calm lagoon, the elegance of his vocabulary is just spectacular and awesome, the word magnificent doesn't even compare to his insights on things he encountered or experienced. There is nirvana in his soul, and all of us are all ears.
He was telling us that during his time, they do not get together with gay friends. On the contrary, being gay that time wasn't a problem for them. He always would meet-up with 2 friends (it doesn't matter what gender) and if one of those 2 would be gay, it is just a matter of having the benefit of the doubt. There was no such thing as criticizing, ostracizing, confronting, even opening up that someone is gay. For him that time, there are more things to consider than thinking that you're gay and how it is to live in a society, regardless of sexual preference nor orientation.
Are we, the modern gay guys, over-analyzing too much?
Bobot, accurately narrates that even when he was younger, he doesn't need to tell people of himself. There was no such thing as LABELING. It's a non- existent word. You would be a man OR a woman, none in the middle and definitely nothing outside the idea. He knows he is gay but it didn't occur to him to out himself. Why so? Because he wants to keep something of him very private and personal. Someone who you would see as simplistic but with a lot of details interiorly. Well said.
He went on explaining how he diverted thoughts of being gay to something more productive. He is a Production Designer and people wouldn't actually judge you immediately that you are gay if your occupation is like that. He is a magnificent person, he allotted his time meditating and contemplating of things. His coping skills are bar none and something we could really look up to.
Rule of thumb for him: divert yourself.
I, personally, am being this type for such a long time. I have so many regrets and emotional baggage in me that I am like a jetsetter out to conquer the world with myself and my baggages.
We were speechless during his limelight and what I asked him is: How were you able to vent out with being gay? I'm pretty sure that even though you don't want to think about it, there will come to a point that you just want to tell someone of an idea who you really are, what problems you're encountering and how to cope up. He nonchalantly explained how the mind works in such a powerful way that all he needs to do is get up, do something unrelated and go on with life, not complicating anything, not undermining things.
I badly need his coping prowess. :)
Bobot was telling us that even at a young age, he didn't see himself as gay. He neither did experience a time when he was confused about who he really is. He didn't elaborate much about how his family played a role but it wasn't important that time. His statements made an impact to how he is, how he lives and how he plays the role of a gay man in a decade where a person is still a person, dressed in drag or what not.
There was a time when MGG asked Bobot what he could advise us young gay guys in the modern society, Bobot, being the humble and conservative that he is actually asked us how we cope up with living in an era of uncertainties and doubts. I told him that we vent out... it's just a matter of what form you are venting out from but the most important thing is that you vent out. Don't keep it all to yourself. you are not an omniscient being nor are you capable of doing the impossible. You are yourself: unique and nearly indestructible.
Bobot's last words were: I have gone through the same experiences and phases as you did but it may have taken another form. It may not have been equal in a superficial way but the idea and the concept are both there.
Well said Sir, I greatly appreciate you for those wise words and insights.
Upon leaving his interiorly eccentric home, all I could picture is him and how his personality deeply reflected on how I want to treat myself and how I could simplify things as they were.
I have to thank him for laying the ground work for us young gays to have a very solid foundation on how society treats us and how we want to be treated.
P.S. So excited on the Fabcasters Party! Woohoo!
On the 27th of December, around 23:00 Manila time, I experienced something unexplainable, a meeting of the minds that wasn't supposed to end that way.
Bobot, a man in his early 50's was able to narrate and share how he coped up with being gay in his early life. He is a simple, conservative but agile when it comes to sex, yet, when he was telling us his stories, there was no air nor boastfulness coming from his lips. The words were delicately cascading like a waterfall to a calm lagoon, the elegance of his vocabulary is just spectacular and awesome, the word magnificent doesn't even compare to his insights on things he encountered or experienced. There is nirvana in his soul, and all of us are all ears.
He was telling us that during his time, they do not get together with gay friends. On the contrary, being gay that time wasn't a problem for them. He always would meet-up with 2 friends (it doesn't matter what gender) and if one of those 2 would be gay, it is just a matter of having the benefit of the doubt. There was no such thing as criticizing, ostracizing, confronting, even opening up that someone is gay. For him that time, there are more things to consider than thinking that you're gay and how it is to live in a society, regardless of sexual preference nor orientation.
Are we, the modern gay guys, over-analyzing too much?
Bobot, accurately narrates that even when he was younger, he doesn't need to tell people of himself. There was no such thing as LABELING. It's a non- existent word. You would be a man OR a woman, none in the middle and definitely nothing outside the idea. He knows he is gay but it didn't occur to him to out himself. Why so? Because he wants to keep something of him very private and personal. Someone who you would see as simplistic but with a lot of details interiorly. Well said.
He went on explaining how he diverted thoughts of being gay to something more productive. He is a Production Designer and people wouldn't actually judge you immediately that you are gay if your occupation is like that. He is a magnificent person, he allotted his time meditating and contemplating of things. His coping skills are bar none and something we could really look up to.
Rule of thumb for him: divert yourself.
I, personally, am being this type for such a long time. I have so many regrets and emotional baggage in me that I am like a jetsetter out to conquer the world with myself and my baggages.
We were speechless during his limelight and what I asked him is: How were you able to vent out with being gay? I'm pretty sure that even though you don't want to think about it, there will come to a point that you just want to tell someone of an idea who you really are, what problems you're encountering and how to cope up. He nonchalantly explained how the mind works in such a powerful way that all he needs to do is get up, do something unrelated and go on with life, not complicating anything, not undermining things.
I badly need his coping prowess. :)
Bobot was telling us that even at a young age, he didn't see himself as gay. He neither did experience a time when he was confused about who he really is. He didn't elaborate much about how his family played a role but it wasn't important that time. His statements made an impact to how he is, how he lives and how he plays the role of a gay man in a decade where a person is still a person, dressed in drag or what not.
There was a time when MGG asked Bobot what he could advise us young gay guys in the modern society, Bobot, being the humble and conservative that he is actually asked us how we cope up with living in an era of uncertainties and doubts. I told him that we vent out... it's just a matter of what form you are venting out from but the most important thing is that you vent out. Don't keep it all to yourself. you are not an omniscient being nor are you capable of doing the impossible. You are yourself: unique and nearly indestructible.
Bobot's last words were: I have gone through the same experiences and phases as you did but it may have taken another form. It may not have been equal in a superficial way but the idea and the concept are both there.
Well said Sir, I greatly appreciate you for those wise words and insights.
Upon leaving his interiorly eccentric home, all I could picture is him and how his personality deeply reflected on how I want to treat myself and how I could simplify things as they were.
I have to thank him for laying the ground work for us young gays to have a very solid foundation on how society treats us and how we want to be treated.
P.S. So excited on the Fabcasters Party! Woohoo!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
How Do I Celebrate Thee?
Merry Merry Christmas Everyone!
Hope your days will be more than Happiness!
May it be filled with Satisfaction, Success and Fulfillment!
May your worries stay minimal and your Joys stay optimal!
Keep in mind that don't overeat, as my Professor in Nutrition is always saying, A moment on the Lips, a Lifetime on the Hips!!!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Busted!
Sunday, December 20, 2009.
Recipes, Greenbelt, 20:00 Manila Time.
I came in with heavy breathing and an embarrassed look. I tried my best to hide my sweat and shame but alas, both are showing.
Darn! I was really, really late for the meet-up and what's worse is that most of these people barely know me. I guess I made a bad impression that I'm almost always fashionably late.
I waved my hand across the people occupying the 2 sets of table and it's such a nice moment for me that while I was late for the meet-up, they were more than enough to greet me back.
I was late. And I, trying to save face, went from shy, timid, wallflower to a perky, enthusiastic, giddy person in a matter of seconds. I have to do it or else people will judge me immediately.
I wasn't really being a VIP. Earlier that day, the host e-mailed me about a get together and since I lost my phone and his contact number was there, I immediately sent a reply to his message that I badly need his contact again. I also texted a good friend of mine who also knows his number.
Several minutes has passed and still no reply from friend, I panicked because I really need the host's number. He just came from the US and it's a privilege to be spending a dinner meet-up with him and his friends.
I waited for nearly an hour...
My phone vibrated twice. I looked at the message. K texted me his number. Hooray! I'm saved! Now I can text him and go to his invitation! I thanked K and went on to text ,MGG the host.
P: Hey MGG! How are you doing? This is P, this will be my new permanent number, kindly save it OK! By the way, who are the people that will be there?
MGG: The usual fabcasters and some people. Hey P, change of plan, will eat dinner at Recipes first then Red Box after. You coming?
P: Yep! Will definitely do! But is it OK if I just take a nap then just catch up with you guys?
MGG: No problem P, I'll just update you if there would be change of plans.
P: Thanks a lot. Thanks MGG.
I took a nap about 16:30 and set my alarm at 18:15.
I woke up looking really haggard and very drowsy still (narcolepsy, a pseudo-serious condition of mine since college years, hehe).
I looked at my phone- 18:15.
Shoot! I have to dress up and get myself ready.
And so I was so busy trying to look to the best that I could that I was like being Cinderella without a curfew. I got out of the house past 19:30 and I live in Parañaque. Of course I am definitely and absolutely fashionably late!
I flew from SM Makati to Glorietta to Landmark and finally to Recipes, Greenbelt. Whew!
I sat on the corner seat of the table, sat down next to a muscled up guy named B. I smiled at him and he reciprocated with a faint smirk.
J, from one of my earlier blogs told me that they ordered the food already and that I would just need to add a drink and rice if I want to. I told him that it's OK, I'm fine with what they ordered.
I viewed the people invited across the tables and I saw new faces. Definitely not the same group from his Birthday bash about 3 months ago.
I sat down and conversed with the people beside and in front of me, B and T. They were more than willing to strike up a conversation with me.
The viands came awaiting to be gobbled up by pseudo-diet mode gay guys. Some of them even ordered brown rice (or I think it's brown rice). Geez, gays and our need for external validation through physical perfectionism.
I thought to myself: these guys are mostly going to the gym so why not just order anything and just burn it off? Then it hit me, of course, I was like this before, I have eating problems and it took me a while to control it or at least to curb with my dysfunctional appetite.
Even if the food is great, we still found time to laugh out loud across the resto and just be ourselves. The funny thing is that I absolutely don't like being in scenes like this but hey, we're enjoying each other's company.
The meal ended with a smash and everyone is happy with the camaraderie, mocks, insults and what have you. After leaving the resto, I thought we'd be going to Red Box for some videoke fun but it turns out that these guys were just planning to go to a coffee shop and chill. I don't mind and personally, I would rather spend my time in a coffee shop. I find it a haven to just be in a setting where it's you and your coffee. You block out external inhibitions and intimidations.
We directly headed to UCC Park Cafe which is a stroll away from Greenbelt. The ambiance is nice and very comforting, couple that with a cup of coffee and a slice of Apple Pie ala mode and heaven is just a sip and morsel away.
Thirteen guys around a couple of tables, mixing each others' personalities and perceptions about lives' ho-hums and anything under the sun. I wouldn't even call it an intellectual conversation but the informality of the meet-up just makes it more exciting and lively.
There were guys of still about to come out, guys who went out younger than I did, guys who haven't had any relationships yet, guys who went out at a ripe age, guys who just don't care whether they come out or not, guys who came out but lacks experience, guys who haven't come out yet is full of experiences. The diversity and conglomeration is more than a welcome for me. As I've told some people before, this is a new thing for me, I have gay guy friends but not the actual peers so meeting up people and bonding with them, hoping to make something out of the time is pleasurable and exciting and enticing. :)
All the while, I was thinking that people wouldn't know my past (which is 3 months ago), D, who has been part of this blog and one of the reasons why this blog was established wouldn't come out of any topic.
Unfortunately, I was wrong! Two of his acquaintances were asking what happened, apparently, they read this blog which is suppose to be a SECRET. D, told them of this URL. A thing that I couldn't understand. I told him of this blog thinking that hey, he looks like a person who could keep secrets but, wrong again. When will P ever learn??? Anyway, the story is already laid out, from the setting, the people involved, the happening, the experience, all told, all narrated, all typed and blogged to have my peace of mind.
On the other end of the note, I am particularly happy because they took the time to read even though one of them told me that he had a hard time reading the print (ahem, sorry!).
My blog was revealed even though I had no intentions to do it. I do comments on other blogs that I follow but it doesn't mean I have to reveal myself but it was already revealed. Something that I could have kept mum since the start of my postings.
I'm happy it turned out this way, at least, I don't have to explain to them, nor does he.
And by the way, his date is so much good-looking than I am. I wish them both the best!
The day ended with us having to go to North Park in Kalayaan because some of these guys are still hungry from eating so little from Recipes. Guys will be guys! Hehehe.
The company was great, the conversations greater and the personalities, the greatest.
Recipes, Greenbelt, 20:00 Manila Time.
I came in with heavy breathing and an embarrassed look. I tried my best to hide my sweat and shame but alas, both are showing.
Darn! I was really, really late for the meet-up and what's worse is that most of these people barely know me. I guess I made a bad impression that I'm almost always fashionably late.
I waved my hand across the people occupying the 2 sets of table and it's such a nice moment for me that while I was late for the meet-up, they were more than enough to greet me back.
I was late. And I, trying to save face, went from shy, timid, wallflower to a perky, enthusiastic, giddy person in a matter of seconds. I have to do it or else people will judge me immediately.
I wasn't really being a VIP. Earlier that day, the host e-mailed me about a get together and since I lost my phone and his contact number was there, I immediately sent a reply to his message that I badly need his contact again. I also texted a good friend of mine who also knows his number.
Several minutes has passed and still no reply from friend, I panicked because I really need the host's number. He just came from the US and it's a privilege to be spending a dinner meet-up with him and his friends.
I waited for nearly an hour...
My phone vibrated twice. I looked at the message. K texted me his number. Hooray! I'm saved! Now I can text him and go to his invitation! I thanked K and went on to text ,MGG the host.
P: Hey MGG! How are you doing? This is P, this will be my new permanent number, kindly save it OK! By the way, who are the people that will be there?
MGG: The usual fabcasters and some people. Hey P, change of plan, will eat dinner at Recipes first then Red Box after. You coming?
P: Yep! Will definitely do! But is it OK if I just take a nap then just catch up with you guys?
MGG: No problem P, I'll just update you if there would be change of plans.
P: Thanks a lot. Thanks MGG.
I took a nap about 16:30 and set my alarm at 18:15.
I woke up looking really haggard and very drowsy still (narcolepsy, a pseudo-serious condition of mine since college years, hehe).
I looked at my phone- 18:15.
Shoot! I have to dress up and get myself ready.
And so I was so busy trying to look to the best that I could that I was like being Cinderella without a curfew. I got out of the house past 19:30 and I live in Parañaque. Of course I am definitely and absolutely fashionably late!
I flew from SM Makati to Glorietta to Landmark and finally to Recipes, Greenbelt. Whew!
I sat on the corner seat of the table, sat down next to a muscled up guy named B. I smiled at him and he reciprocated with a faint smirk.
J, from one of my earlier blogs told me that they ordered the food already and that I would just need to add a drink and rice if I want to. I told him that it's OK, I'm fine with what they ordered.
I viewed the people invited across the tables and I saw new faces. Definitely not the same group from his Birthday bash about 3 months ago.
I sat down and conversed with the people beside and in front of me, B and T. They were more than willing to strike up a conversation with me.
The viands came awaiting to be gobbled up by pseudo-diet mode gay guys. Some of them even ordered brown rice (or I think it's brown rice). Geez, gays and our need for external validation through physical perfectionism.
I thought to myself: these guys are mostly going to the gym so why not just order anything and just burn it off? Then it hit me, of course, I was like this before, I have eating problems and it took me a while to control it or at least to curb with my dysfunctional appetite.
Even if the food is great, we still found time to laugh out loud across the resto and just be ourselves. The funny thing is that I absolutely don't like being in scenes like this but hey, we're enjoying each other's company.
The meal ended with a smash and everyone is happy with the camaraderie, mocks, insults and what have you. After leaving the resto, I thought we'd be going to Red Box for some videoke fun but it turns out that these guys were just planning to go to a coffee shop and chill. I don't mind and personally, I would rather spend my time in a coffee shop. I find it a haven to just be in a setting where it's you and your coffee. You block out external inhibitions and intimidations.
We directly headed to UCC Park Cafe which is a stroll away from Greenbelt. The ambiance is nice and very comforting, couple that with a cup of coffee and a slice of Apple Pie ala mode and heaven is just a sip and morsel away.
Thirteen guys around a couple of tables, mixing each others' personalities and perceptions about lives' ho-hums and anything under the sun. I wouldn't even call it an intellectual conversation but the informality of the meet-up just makes it more exciting and lively.
There were guys of still about to come out, guys who went out younger than I did, guys who haven't had any relationships yet, guys who went out at a ripe age, guys who just don't care whether they come out or not, guys who came out but lacks experience, guys who haven't come out yet is full of experiences. The diversity and conglomeration is more than a welcome for me. As I've told some people before, this is a new thing for me, I have gay guy friends but not the actual peers so meeting up people and bonding with them, hoping to make something out of the time is pleasurable and exciting and enticing. :)
All the while, I was thinking that people wouldn't know my past (which is 3 months ago), D, who has been part of this blog and one of the reasons why this blog was established wouldn't come out of any topic.
Unfortunately, I was wrong! Two of his acquaintances were asking what happened, apparently, they read this blog which is suppose to be a SECRET. D, told them of this URL. A thing that I couldn't understand. I told him of this blog thinking that hey, he looks like a person who could keep secrets but, wrong again. When will P ever learn??? Anyway, the story is already laid out, from the setting, the people involved, the happening, the experience, all told, all narrated, all typed and blogged to have my peace of mind.
On the other end of the note, I am particularly happy because they took the time to read even though one of them told me that he had a hard time reading the print (ahem, sorry!).
My blog was revealed even though I had no intentions to do it. I do comments on other blogs that I follow but it doesn't mean I have to reveal myself but it was already revealed. Something that I could have kept mum since the start of my postings.
I'm happy it turned out this way, at least, I don't have to explain to them, nor does he.
And by the way, his date is so much good-looking than I am. I wish them both the best!
The day ended with us having to go to North Park in Kalayaan because some of these guys are still hungry from eating so little from Recipes. Guys will be guys! Hehehe.
The company was great, the conversations greater and the personalities, the greatest.
My Christmas Wishlist!
1) Sony Xperia X2 - my phone got stolen last month, a week after my birthday,damn you thief! I curse you to hell!!! Roar!
2) An ASUS EEE PC 1005HE netbook - because our ancient desktop running Pentium 4 has a Vista Ultimate OS that's why a turtle is faster than it's processing power.
3) A 3rd Generation Ipod Touch - about 5 months ago I ran at Manila Memorial Park (which I used to do often) my 2nd Gen Ipod Nano got drenched (disgusting, I know) in my sweat and it stopped working and now I don't have any music in my ears. The beggar in me is still relying on my 2 sisters' Ipod when they don't use it.
So here goes my wishlist. :)
2) An ASUS EEE PC 1005HE netbook - because our ancient desktop running Pentium 4 has a Vista Ultimate OS that's why a turtle is faster than it's processing power.
3) A 3rd Generation Ipod Touch - about 5 months ago I ran at Manila Memorial Park (which I used to do often) my 2nd Gen Ipod Nano got drenched (disgusting, I know) in my sweat and it stopped working and now I don't have any music in my ears. The beggar in me is still relying on my 2 sisters' Ipod when they don't use it.
So here goes my wishlist. :)
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Fucking Friends?
What the heck were you thinking? Did your ego got the best of you again? Time and again P,you let your decision making skills fail you. Is this really what you want?
My mind asked me these questions upon going home. I was trying to comprehend the situation: I am committed to a person who loves me for who and what I am and yet on the other side, my mind is lingering to have a one night stand or more precisely an afternoon delight.
My ego is regressing and it is functioning like I didn't learn from my past experiences. OK,so right now, I'm speculating about the matter. Maybe E really has good intentions and he just wants to be accompanied for a while.
My mind is acting pretty weird and given my personality of being overly suspicious and complicating simple situations, it's making me bonkers. And that's just what I was thinking the whole time from España until my home in Parañaque. Geez, this is getting ridiculous, I'm being too speculative and too overly reactive.
Maybe nothing will happen, just as long as I don't show any motives and him as well.
It will be fine P, stop worrying. Yeah, I really hope it will.
My academic activities dwindled so I have more time to do the things that I missed out plus, I can definitely go to E's rented place to accompany him.
I texted him again just in case he won't be needing my company anymore or so I think that's my primary reason.
P: E, zup?
E: just doing some paperworks, got a lot to finish. I'm at the internet shop near the campus.
P: Just wanna ask, are we still going to your pad?
E: Yeah, my ate will be going straight to Muntinlupa from her hospital duty.
P: Where will we meet?
E: Let's just meet at the Freedom Park. Around 2pm.
P: Ok, I'll be hanging there anyway, just relaxing and resting.
E: Sure, see you.
P: Yeah, just make sure you finish your paperworks before we meet.
E: Will try, thanks.
P: :)
I waited at the Freedom Park, I sat at one of the benches made of cement with a tree surrounded by the bench part. I sat in front of the chapel because I just dropped by from the chapel. The air was cool and the ambiance is refreshing, if permitted, I could just lie down and close my eyes and blank my mind about everything else, as in everything. Family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex-partners, good experiences, bad experiences, lessons learned in and out the campus, lessons still wanna learn, good decisions made in the past, bad decisions made that made it worse, vented out issues that was adding to emotional baggage, venting issues that are really unimportant, told people of things a person shouldn't have, told people of things a person could relate to, regrets trying to unleash, regrets trying to release, acceptance trying to inculcate, acceptance trying to digest.
The venue served as a perfect spot for me to think about nothing. Nothing but me...then E came.
E: Hey!!!
P : (Pretending to be dozing off)
E: Hey, we're going P.
P: (Still pretending with dreaming effect)
E: Hey P if you don't get up, I will rape you here.
P: (As if struck by a lightning bolt) WHAT?!
E: I'm kidding!
P: OK.
(Thinking: What the Eff?)
E: See, you got up so fast when I said that.
P: Because you surprised me with you're statement.
E: I'm just kidding, geez, you're too serious.
P: You don't know me that much yet. I can be deadly serious if I want to.
E: OK, well I'm kidding and don't take it seriously.
P: Alright.
I got up, dusted off some dirt from my pants and polo shirt, took my backpack and placed it on my back, adjusted my spectacles and off we go.
We were walking along P. Kampa and my heart is palpitating like a caffeine-induced freak who haven't slept yet for nearly 72 hours. We were walking near a jeepney station in order for us to get to his pad. I think I'm just being bizarre but really my heart is exceeding normal range when I know that I will have a greatly possible hook-up or something near that. Believe me, I know myself, my heart races like an F1 race car when I know something bad (in a naughty way) or good (still in a naughty way) is going to happen. And unluckily, I am feeling that uneasiness with him that time and we're still in a jeep!
We arrived at his pad about 10 minutes of ride. It was a studio type room with amenities like a refrigerator and a TV. It was OK. The lighting is fine where the sun lights up the whole room and the space is also decent. Coming from someone who doesn't have a degree in architecture. Just get along with me. :)
We sat down on his bed which is basically a comforter placed on the floor. He was narrating his day at school and what he did during the day. I, on the other hand was thinking of something else, my mind is fluttering again as usual.
What the heck?
Part 3
My mind asked me these questions upon going home. I was trying to comprehend the situation: I am committed to a person who loves me for who and what I am and yet on the other side, my mind is lingering to have a one night stand or more precisely an afternoon delight.
My ego is regressing and it is functioning like I didn't learn from my past experiences. OK,so right now, I'm speculating about the matter. Maybe E really has good intentions and he just wants to be accompanied for a while.
My mind is acting pretty weird and given my personality of being overly suspicious and complicating simple situations, it's making me bonkers. And that's just what I was thinking the whole time from España until my home in Parañaque. Geez, this is getting ridiculous, I'm being too speculative and too overly reactive.
Maybe nothing will happen, just as long as I don't show any motives and him as well.
It will be fine P, stop worrying. Yeah, I really hope it will.
My academic activities dwindled so I have more time to do the things that I missed out plus, I can definitely go to E's rented place to accompany him.
I texted him again just in case he won't be needing my company anymore or so I think that's my primary reason.
P: E, zup?
E: just doing some paperworks, got a lot to finish. I'm at the internet shop near the campus.
P: Just wanna ask, are we still going to your pad?
E: Yeah, my ate will be going straight to Muntinlupa from her hospital duty.
P: Where will we meet?
E: Let's just meet at the Freedom Park. Around 2pm.
P: Ok, I'll be hanging there anyway, just relaxing and resting.
E: Sure, see you.
P: Yeah, just make sure you finish your paperworks before we meet.
E: Will try, thanks.
P: :)
I waited at the Freedom Park, I sat at one of the benches made of cement with a tree surrounded by the bench part. I sat in front of the chapel because I just dropped by from the chapel. The air was cool and the ambiance is refreshing, if permitted, I could just lie down and close my eyes and blank my mind about everything else, as in everything. Family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex-partners, good experiences, bad experiences, lessons learned in and out the campus, lessons still wanna learn, good decisions made in the past, bad decisions made that made it worse, vented out issues that was adding to emotional baggage, venting issues that are really unimportant, told people of things a person shouldn't have, told people of things a person could relate to, regrets trying to unleash, regrets trying to release, acceptance trying to inculcate, acceptance trying to digest.
The venue served as a perfect spot for me to think about nothing. Nothing but me...then E came.
E: Hey!!!
P : (Pretending to be dozing off)
E: Hey, we're going P.
P: (Still pretending with dreaming effect)
E: Hey P if you don't get up, I will rape you here.
P: (As if struck by a lightning bolt) WHAT?!
E: I'm kidding!
P: OK.
(Thinking: What the Eff?)
E: See, you got up so fast when I said that.
P: Because you surprised me with you're statement.
E: I'm just kidding, geez, you're too serious.
P: You don't know me that much yet. I can be deadly serious if I want to.
E: OK, well I'm kidding and don't take it seriously.
P: Alright.
I got up, dusted off some dirt from my pants and polo shirt, took my backpack and placed it on my back, adjusted my spectacles and off we go.
We were walking along P. Kampa and my heart is palpitating like a caffeine-induced freak who haven't slept yet for nearly 72 hours. We were walking near a jeepney station in order for us to get to his pad. I think I'm just being bizarre but really my heart is exceeding normal range when I know that I will have a greatly possible hook-up or something near that. Believe me, I know myself, my heart races like an F1 race car when I know something bad (in a naughty way) or good (still in a naughty way) is going to happen. And unluckily, I am feeling that uneasiness with him that time and we're still in a jeep!
We arrived at his pad about 10 minutes of ride. It was a studio type room with amenities like a refrigerator and a TV. It was OK. The lighting is fine where the sun lights up the whole room and the space is also decent. Coming from someone who doesn't have a degree in architecture. Just get along with me. :)
We sat down on his bed which is basically a comforter placed on the floor. He was narrating his day at school and what he did during the day. I, on the other hand was thinking of something else, my mind is fluttering again as usual.
What the heck?
Part 3
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
It's December Everyone!
What's on your Christmas Wishlust? I mean, Wishlist?
24 days till Christmas! Let the countdown begin...
Fucking Friends?
After that incident I tried my best to avoid him at minimal cost so as not to look like I'm completely avoiding him and what might come up from any mis-encounters. My texts got fewer, my replies shorter, my preoccupation with other things got longer. We were now barely meeting inside campus. and that's perfectly fine with me. Days passed without getting even a single text from him. Frankly, I miss the guy; he has a huge heart plus he's a new acquaintance so we can talk a lot of things that are ALMOST anything under the sun. ALMOST. He was a great relief from all the hustle and bustle of academic activities and my so-called complicated life.
I think a person's experience is always one of the most exciting stories to listen to and think about and it amuses me the most.
After almost a week of zero communication, he texted me up:
E: Hey P, how are you doin'?
P: Doing great, still swamped with paperworks but nonetheless, still great. And you?
E: Well, I'm quite good, always nervous when it comes to practicums and others. Hahaha! Wait, you are graduating, right? :)
P: Of course I will! My mom will literally kill me and bury me alive if I won't! Hehe.
E: Just confirming P.
P: Np.
E: What's NP?
P: No problem.
E: Oh, I see. new term I learned just now.
P: Hehe. Cool. Anyway J, I am still swamped with school stuff, I need to finish a lot of things. Text you sometime.
E: I know, we barely talk nowadays...
P: I owe you one J.
E: You sure do P, you sure do. :)
P: Alright, next time then.
E: Wait!!!
P: What? Did someone die?
E: None silly. Is it OK if I ask you to accompany me to the boarding house this week? My older sister will be going home to Muntinlupa and I'm the only one there.
P: Well I can't exactly stay overnight since I don't usually do that. I could stay until late afternoon. Where do you stay anyway?
E: Dapitan. Just a ride away from P.Kampa.
P: Cool. Let me check with my sched first then I'll get back to you, alright?
E: Thanks P, you're such a friend. Inform me ASAP then.
P: Will sure do.
Oh boy... What in heaven's name did I just run into. My libido is surging high but my morality is squeezing me tightly on my arms.
I'm feeling very bad about this one. Still, no hints of him being gay but asking me to come to his place to stay over? Weird and I'm pretty skeptical. Of course I already experienced something like this especially when I was still going to Malate wherein a guy will ask you to stay over his place and just 'hang-out'. And oh yeah, I'm committed, I nearly forgot to tell you that.
Part 2
I think a person's experience is always one of the most exciting stories to listen to and think about and it amuses me the most.
After almost a week of zero communication, he texted me up:
E: Hey P, how are you doin'?
P: Doing great, still swamped with paperworks but nonetheless, still great. And you?
E: Well, I'm quite good, always nervous when it comes to practicums and others. Hahaha! Wait, you are graduating, right? :)
P: Of course I will! My mom will literally kill me and bury me alive if I won't! Hehe.
E: Just confirming P.
P: Np.
E: What's NP?
P: No problem.
E: Oh, I see. new term I learned just now.
P: Hehe. Cool. Anyway J, I am still swamped with school stuff, I need to finish a lot of things. Text you sometime.
E: I know, we barely talk nowadays...
P: I owe you one J.
E: You sure do P, you sure do. :)
P: Alright, next time then.
E: Wait!!!
P: What? Did someone die?
E: None silly. Is it OK if I ask you to accompany me to the boarding house this week? My older sister will be going home to Muntinlupa and I'm the only one there.
P: Well I can't exactly stay overnight since I don't usually do that. I could stay until late afternoon. Where do you stay anyway?
E: Dapitan. Just a ride away from P.Kampa.
P: Cool. Let me check with my sched first then I'll get back to you, alright?
E: Thanks P, you're such a friend. Inform me ASAP then.
P: Will sure do.
Oh boy... What in heaven's name did I just run into. My libido is surging high but my morality is squeezing me tightly on my arms.
I'm feeling very bad about this one. Still, no hints of him being gay but asking me to come to his place to stay over? Weird and I'm pretty skeptical. Of course I already experienced something like this especially when I was still going to Malate wherein a guy will ask you to stay over his place and just 'hang-out'. And oh yeah, I'm committed, I nearly forgot to tell you that.
Part 2
Monday, November 23, 2009
Fucking Friends?
I remembered a famous blogger posting this topic. He said that at this time and at his age, he is now enjoying more having sex with friends or close friends rather than meeting up with someone on a social networking site or in a club. Now, this is not an outrageous idea for me but the thought of his statement made me think a lot. When I came out, the word FuBu is already known by both hetero and homo alike that it became a Mom and Pop term. I had been one and so do many other people who were and are still experimenting/ discovering themselves. I have already opened my mind that we are insatiable creatures hence the lingering for more and more, contentment is the last option.
Fucking Friends? Seriously? FuBu as opposed to FuFi. Hehehe... Cuter term though. Oh, I think I had someone like this before but lately have I realized that we turned out this way.
Let's call him E. I first met E when I was in college, he was introduced to me by a very good friend and classmate of mine. He was introduced in front of our University cafeteria. He looks quite average and really doesn't have that appeal to say the least. He looks prim and proper and his hair is cut semi-kal style. He doesn't look flashy nor does he look very attractive. What I'm pointing out is that I never, ever smelled him upon his introduction.
E is a sophomore that time under the same Institute that I'm in. I was already a senior that time and is also in a relationship. We met a couple of times in campus and everytime we see each other, there was really nothing in him to distinguish his sexuality.
Months passed and I am already nearing stepping out of college. I think early January, that was the time when we were starting to text each other. I don't even remember how he got my number or how I got his (sign of aging). Now, these texts are very friendly, informal and civil. It's more of the Hi, hello, what are you doing types and not your typical what's your trip, NASL, your place or mine texts. Days passed and I seem to notice how he is beginning to text me more often but since graduation is near and I have tons and tons to accomplish and finish then I don't reply to him sometimes or I just tell him that I'm quite busy and I might not be able to make a reply immediately. I didn't give color to his texts since: 1) I'm committed 2) I have a lot to think about from work to career to stability,etc 3) I can't even sense the guy if he's gay or not 4) He doesn't appeal to me, not one bit but the weird thing is that he's somehow getting affectionate through his texts more and more and it's giving me the creeps. E is a very like-able person I have to admit that but of course when you perceive someone as straight then being affectionate to someone like me will be chaotic and I'm not even telling my sexuality to him. I remember him texting me one Sunday morning what I'm doing, I just got home that time from Malate. He was being persistent and so intrusive but I unhesitatingly told him I went out to a club last night which is true. He asked me where and what club and I told him it's just a nearby bar. He said something very vague like I'm so secretive and I told him that I'm a person who you can't read in just a single chapter. I ended our small text conversation because I want to sleep and just dream the day away.
One day, me and my college friends assembled a small get together at our house and since E lives also in the South then I gladly asked him if he could join us. He obliged. The day came for the get together and he was one of the first people who was able to arrive at our home after a while, my college friends followed. Weird thing is, he was hugging me all the time...it was a bit surprising but because I have accustomed to those types of practices where hugs are for affection or for comfort or both but since I thought E is straight then it's fairly safe to say that I don't give a damn if he hugs me tightly or not. My college friends noticed and I got embarrassed because of that. After my friends left, we were the only people on the house, he suddenly asked me if we could go upstairs, I was like, whoa?! Dude, what do you want to do? Sleep? Take a nap? Cuddle? I was taken aback. He was murmuring something in my ear that made me gush a little. Kidding aside, he became very serious with the tone and of course, the joker in me is saying give in but to be perfectly respectful to my parents and to our home, I decided to joke around and let him off the hook...for now...
Part 1
Fucking Friends? Seriously? FuBu as opposed to FuFi. Hehehe... Cuter term though. Oh, I think I had someone like this before but lately have I realized that we turned out this way.
Let's call him E. I first met E when I was in college, he was introduced to me by a very good friend and classmate of mine. He was introduced in front of our University cafeteria. He looks quite average and really doesn't have that appeal to say the least. He looks prim and proper and his hair is cut semi-kal style. He doesn't look flashy nor does he look very attractive. What I'm pointing out is that I never, ever smelled him upon his introduction.
E is a sophomore that time under the same Institute that I'm in. I was already a senior that time and is also in a relationship. We met a couple of times in campus and everytime we see each other, there was really nothing in him to distinguish his sexuality.
Months passed and I am already nearing stepping out of college. I think early January, that was the time when we were starting to text each other. I don't even remember how he got my number or how I got his (sign of aging). Now, these texts are very friendly, informal and civil. It's more of the Hi, hello, what are you doing types and not your typical what's your trip, NASL, your place or mine texts. Days passed and I seem to notice how he is beginning to text me more often but since graduation is near and I have tons and tons to accomplish and finish then I don't reply to him sometimes or I just tell him that I'm quite busy and I might not be able to make a reply immediately. I didn't give color to his texts since: 1) I'm committed 2) I have a lot to think about from work to career to stability,etc 3) I can't even sense the guy if he's gay or not 4) He doesn't appeal to me, not one bit but the weird thing is that he's somehow getting affectionate through his texts more and more and it's giving me the creeps. E is a very like-able person I have to admit that but of course when you perceive someone as straight then being affectionate to someone like me will be chaotic and I'm not even telling my sexuality to him. I remember him texting me one Sunday morning what I'm doing, I just got home that time from Malate. He was being persistent and so intrusive but I unhesitatingly told him I went out to a club last night which is true. He asked me where and what club and I told him it's just a nearby bar. He said something very vague like I'm so secretive and I told him that I'm a person who you can't read in just a single chapter. I ended our small text conversation because I want to sleep and just dream the day away.
One day, me and my college friends assembled a small get together at our house and since E lives also in the South then I gladly asked him if he could join us. He obliged. The day came for the get together and he was one of the first people who was able to arrive at our home after a while, my college friends followed. Weird thing is, he was hugging me all the time...it was a bit surprising but because I have accustomed to those types of practices where hugs are for affection or for comfort or both but since I thought E is straight then it's fairly safe to say that I don't give a damn if he hugs me tightly or not. My college friends noticed and I got embarrassed because of that. After my friends left, we were the only people on the house, he suddenly asked me if we could go upstairs, I was like, whoa?! Dude, what do you want to do? Sleep? Take a nap? Cuddle? I was taken aback. He was murmuring something in my ear that made me gush a little. Kidding aside, he became very serious with the tone and of course, the joker in me is saying give in but to be perfectly respectful to my parents and to our home, I decided to joke around and let him off the hook...for now...
Part 1
A Letter To the Ex
My ex whom I was not expecting to give me something for my birthday recently gave me a simple gift card. It was a cheap-looking card which costs 17.75 at any National Bookstore but the way he weaved words and scrambled ideas to express his feelings just struck me deep into my heart. His words were not profound like authors coming from Ivy League Universities, the language that he used are not something only a linguistic can understand. There was a certain 'twang' and 'ooomph'. His words were pure and simple arranged into a paragraph of sophistication and elegance like Romeo courting Juliet. The card is cheap and that's a fact but the message is priceless and that's also a fact. I sobbed, I literally sobbed after reading it out. And so with further ado, I give you my open reply to your letter:
You know I never intended to hurt you nor make you feel unwanted but the truth is that's just what I did. I never intended to make you suffer nor make you sleepless through the nights but that's just what happened. You know we have been a lot and it seems forever. We had our ups and our downs but we always made it through. You were always the stronger man between us two but you hate venting out to me and that's what I hate about you. I always idolized how you handle things, from budgeting to family matters to working on some things. You were always the cool one when the going gets tough. You were always the patient one when situations get rough. You know I have personal issues that are just so tough to resolve, you understood me quite well and that's what I'm thankful for.
You know I have to leave you just to keep me sane. From the clashes of fate, bashing of destiny and realizations of being gay. It's not your fault, it never was since the start of what we had. My life is just complicated that's all and I want you to understand. That's the thing can't you see that I'm not a person who takes it easy, I give a fight to life and love but give up easily. So all I can say is that I loved you and that my feelings were genuinely true but I have to find myself to know myself to search for what's in store for me.
You pleaded and poured all your love to me but my mind is made up, I have to go for the best of what I want to be. My heart will always have the fondest treasure of you as being my partner. Remember what Mr. Biggs' said to Carrie in Sex and the City movie we watched?
Ever Thine.
Ever Mine.
Ever Ours.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Pondering...
How do you grasp something intangible?
Abstract words you encountered and discussed when you were young.
Love, hope, faith, success, failure, trust, respect, loyalty, honesty, courage, independence, forgive, benevolence, charity, equality.
Experience, that's how you take hold of these.
Experience, that's how you feel these.
Experience, that's how you try these.
Be assertive enough to live.
Be human enough to live.
Life is all about making choices.
But you have to base it on a personal perspective and on a moral perspective.
Being a person who's unique isn't all about being you.
You have to think of others to make life work too.
Being happy and content are the most important words you have to remember.
Not wealth, not money can provide you those.
People even say money is evil.
But in reality it's the love for money that is.
Bitterness? It's omnipresent, it is inevitable.
But moving forward is the key to getting back on track.
Smile, it's not the end of the world.
Live, as if it's the end of the world.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Malate Meatshop
Bed Bar, Malate.
The pinnacle of gay clubbing is still alive and might very well be considered an institution. It has been one of the great influences in my life in a homosexual perspective.
October 31st, 12mn
The exhilirating body bop music, the half-naked bodies grinding to each other, the staring of people looking for prospects, the overflowing booze out to give anyone a hang-over plus a hook-up, the unknown faces smiling unfathomably and the experience of a lifetime, or at least till next week.
It was definitely crowded. Like MRT during rush hour or like canned sardines. There was barely enough room to move let alone dance. The bar was also very humid like a sunny afternoon with barely noticeable gushes of wind. But the people, the people were more than just ready...
As me and my friends danced the night away in a corner ledge, I looked into every corner to observe what other people are doing, what's interesting is the fact how a person does everything to select the best person he has an interest to. With that said I found myself comparing the gay club scene to a meatshop.
Think about it.
1) It's choosing to go and your motive to go- I know some of you might disagree but MOST of you do agree that club scenes are for bookings and hook-ups, no beating around the bush one night stand.
2) It's selecting of the choicest cuts- whether you're into buff, muscular, lean, bear, effeminate, every category is present to delight your eyes.
3) It's selling and bargaining- through getting to know each other: small chats, flirty gestures, and slight touches are all included to scrutinize your prospect/choice cut more.
4) It's transacting with the people involved- yes, business is business and it's time to go home with your selected meat product.
5) It's consuming- getting home and doing the deed is just as simple as making adobo without the hassle of waiting for the meat to cook and tenderize although you have to wait for the meat to harden. :)
It was fast getting early and the sun is already rising...the selection process is over, people are walking away from the club/shop with their purchased meat tightly tucked within their arms. Next week will be another business after the consummation.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Modern Day Bisexuality, Fact or Myth?
I am not gay. I am just having a phase right now so I want to experiment on some sexual aspects of my life.
This was what I was trying to tell myself when upon growing up I had urges seeing men and what they can offer.
I was convincing myself that a person goes through this phase of finding him or herself through curiosity and involvement. This is a fact.
What I was eagerly trying to dissipate is the fact that my yearning for men was actually the beginning of what was waiting for me in the middle of the road...
I am not gay, definitely not.
Yes, go ahead and convince yourself of what you really are not.
My mind is such a negative thinker.
Meeting and hooking-up with men are just some of what I need to know more about myself, I'll have a girlfriend sooner or later, I promise.
Yeah, great thinking dude, try not to fall into your own trap.
I never had a girlfriend, I used to court but somehow it felt different, that somehow, in a strange, diluted and twisted emotion, I still fall for guys...
Girls? Sure they're great to hang-out with! I grew up with their presence and most of the time I interacted with them more than boys, maybe, that's why I don't want to get involved with them, I see them merely as friends, acquaintances, colleagues but nothing more. Although, there were times that I want to get involved with them emotionally...
Why?
Primarily, they can handle emotions better than us. And, this is not just baloney talk, studies already were conducted in this aspect. They cope up better because they know how to vent and spill their emotions because they have a more bonded culture compared to testosterone-injected guys.
Second, they are great confidants, they stick to you through whatever is happening to you, they can be great sources of help and guidance. We have this also but well, according to Fergie, big (gay) guys don't cry, not in front of people.
Lastly, they believe more in long-lasting relationships. This, this notion I have already seen. It's not something that people would make up. People have attested how women can handle longer relationships, I'm sure we all have different opinions on this one especially those who are bitter or have never experienced relationships with women but at some point, this is a fact.
Before I came out at 17 I already told myself I'm a Bisexual. Everyday I would simply do a mind-set that I'm 90% male and 10% female. Unfortunately, time passed and that mind-set of percentage dwindled. I won't tell you the exact percentage but you get the idea. :)
Anima and Animus, I first heard these two from Philosophy class, it was an integration of the female (anima) and male (animus) into the human body. Philosophers believed that we ALL have these two inside. Of course if you're a true blue male then animus would be the dominating factor and if you're an estrogen-producing specie then anima is your dominating factor.
So, what if you're a Bi or I mean a Bisexual? would you have 50-50? I'm completely appalled by this because a LOT of people are claiming they are Bisexual even though they don't even go out with girls. Does having a girlfriend as an ex categorize you as one? Does formerly courting girls categorize you as a Bi also? If you have intercourse with men and women, are you technically bisexual? It's confusing.
I do apologize but I am not making people's lives complicated but you see, if you see society as a major factor on how you view sexuality then I think you would be encapsulating yourself from the norms.
I honestly don't think claiming to be a Bisexual will be more acceptable to society.
More so if they know you haven't had a girlfriend and never, ever slept with a girlfriend once in your life. This is too ironic and I have used this already. Hehehe.
I consulted a lot of gay friends on this topic, from Psychology student to fashion designer to guidance counselor to an early childhood education student and all of them told me the same thing, there is no such thing as a bisexual but of course I don't want to close my mind on this topic because this is very controversial and very much open to public hence, homo-hetero debate.
For the time being I would say that I still don't believe in bisexuality but my mind is still willing to embrace this idea. So argue with me your best key points if this is factual and maybe, I will accept it fully.
I have nothing against guys claiming to be bisexual, in the end process and for what it's worth, YOU are the master of your ship. Believe in your ideas then people will believe in you.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Adjusting or Adjusted?
I came out at 17.
I came out during my first time in Malate.
I came out thinking that everything will be alright after this.
I came out.
It's been 7 years ever since...
And I'm still adjusting.
I haven't been accustomed to it yet. I know it's weird but I can't help it. I'm still in the middle of the road figuring out which is which.
Don't get me wrong, I love being gay!
I just don't want to shout it out the world yet. And I don't think I ever will.
Think of it this way, I know I'm out, some people know I'm out but I don't need to tell them all that I'm out.
And what's one of my pet peeves? That I would know that I'm gay from a person I already told who I am. That's what irks me the most.
Why?
First and foremost I'm really a hands-on person and being that I don't want learning some of my life facts from someone I don't trust, yet. It's like you told a secret to a friend then this friend told another person your secret and another one and another one. A chain of secret revealed which is ironically not a secret anymore.
I don't want people to meddle on things that only I can repair, fix or spruce up. It's my life anyway.
With that being said, for me I find it hard to cope up.
I'm new at this company, I was referred by a trusted college friend and classmate. She knows who I am ever since we were classmates during college years, she knows what I've done, who I've hooked-up with, what type of person I am and I can be, and what I'm capable of doing. She's a very good friend of mine who has been with me through most of my ups and downs. Apparently, some of her officemates already knew what I am. Guess who told them? Exactly, my friend. The moment I sensed that people from the floor knew my sexuality, I knew I had to stay civil and professional not just to them but also to my friend.
Like what I said, I'm like in the middle of the road, still trying to choose my best option.
Immediately after shift I texted her and another colleague of hers who knows me also and told them that I don't want people telling me who I am from them.
I am getting comfortable with my sexuality it's just that something like that is still quite unacceptable for me. Hey, if people will come up to me and ask me what I am, I will definitely tell them that I'm gay, Happy and Gay.
Just for kicks, most of my new acquaintances in training still think I'm straight AND a virgin. Funny, funny, funny world.
What's your take on adjusting being gay?
I came out during my first time in Malate.
I came out thinking that everything will be alright after this.
I came out.
It's been 7 years ever since...
And I'm still adjusting.
I haven't been accustomed to it yet. I know it's weird but I can't help it. I'm still in the middle of the road figuring out which is which.
Don't get me wrong, I love being gay!
I just don't want to shout it out the world yet. And I don't think I ever will.
Think of it this way, I know I'm out, some people know I'm out but I don't need to tell them all that I'm out.
And what's one of my pet peeves? That I would know that I'm gay from a person I already told who I am. That's what irks me the most.
Why?
First and foremost I'm really a hands-on person and being that I don't want learning some of my life facts from someone I don't trust, yet. It's like you told a secret to a friend then this friend told another person your secret and another one and another one. A chain of secret revealed which is ironically not a secret anymore.
I don't want people to meddle on things that only I can repair, fix or spruce up. It's my life anyway.
With that being said, for me I find it hard to cope up.
I'm new at this company, I was referred by a trusted college friend and classmate. She knows who I am ever since we were classmates during college years, she knows what I've done, who I've hooked-up with, what type of person I am and I can be, and what I'm capable of doing. She's a very good friend of mine who has been with me through most of my ups and downs. Apparently, some of her officemates already knew what I am. Guess who told them? Exactly, my friend. The moment I sensed that people from the floor knew my sexuality, I knew I had to stay civil and professional not just to them but also to my friend.
Like what I said, I'm like in the middle of the road, still trying to choose my best option.
Immediately after shift I texted her and another colleague of hers who knows me also and told them that I don't want people telling me who I am from them.
I am getting comfortable with my sexuality it's just that something like that is still quite unacceptable for me. Hey, if people will come up to me and ask me what I am, I will definitely tell them that I'm gay, Happy and Gay.
Just for kicks, most of my new acquaintances in training still think I'm straight AND a virgin. Funny, funny, funny world.
What's your take on adjusting being gay?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Out and About
When I was younger I always convinced myself that I'm a heterosexual man bound to live a heterosexual life. My dream plan included a beautiful wife who understands and shares the joys and sorrows of living together, gorgeous kids who someday will be successful in their own ways, a comfortably-sized home where we can just relax and sit back and a job that entails further personal development and growth.
Fast forward to the future and most of what I had hoped seem to be all blur...
For one, I always felt that I was different in a weird kind of way, I always had this thing for guys but never for girls, I used to think of guys but barely of girls, I gush at guys' hugs but not with girls' smacks, I feel queasy at a guy's intimacy but not with a girl's flirting. With that said, there are just some things in life that takes a while getting used to.
There used to be a time when I fell in love with a girl...
She was a classmate way back elementary, actually, she was a former crush of my cousin, the three of us were classmates back then. She has this white complexion, chinky eyes, cute nose, thin lips, quite petite but great posture. We used to call her MACHO cause she was so un-girly and tomboy-ish when growing up, she's not bossy nor does she dress like a man but from her acts, she could pass to be a femme. Anyway, she was my epitome of beauty and brains, the benchmark of what is perfect from imperfect and what is a dream from reality. She was a consistent honor student garnering medals to medals and ribbons to ribbons. She might as well be Athena and Aphrodite reincarnated as a Chinese-looking girl. Yes, those were the days when I would daydream about her even when there was a lesson going on. I would be blushing everytime I would approach her and would bow my head when standing in front of her. I can almost say that I became straight even for this short period of time. I tried befriending her for the reason that maybe I could start something then work my way from there, I tried my best to impress her, tried talking with her, the works until finally we became close, I became her closest guy friend and now it was time to make my move...I gave her small tokens of appreciation, talked to her trying to get to know her more, pa-cute effects, smiling most of the time, heck, I was placing my best feet forward and that's an understatement! But somehow, I still felt like a loser not because she dumped me but because I know she only saw me as a friend. A good friend. And also I know we haven't established standards yet when it comes to finding someone but hers is just more of Mt. Olympus-like than Chocolate hills. So, I told myself I will be the best in every way that I can maybe not too academically but as a whole. She was the one I thought of everytime I'm going to do something like studying for an exam or joining the spelling bee. Somehow, I always knew that I couldn't be for her not until I bring up my greatest potential as a person. That someday, if time and fate will still permit, I will get back to her, kneel down in front and will ask to court her... I still tried to communicate and connect to her even though I transferred to another school and she still went for our former alma mater. I even, gulp, asked her out but most of the time she would decline. Although her mom has this fondness for me which made me feel like we were somehow meant. :) Anyway, time passed and I haven't heard from her, I can still remember the last thing I gave to her, it's a letter telling her how I'm happy to be her friend...I was literally too gay to tell her how I really felt when she's around.
P.S. Anne, I know you won't get the chance to read this blog but I just want to let you know I Loved You more than you'll ever know.
Fast forward to the future and most of what I had hoped seem to be all blur...
For one, I always felt that I was different in a weird kind of way, I always had this thing for guys but never for girls, I used to think of guys but barely of girls, I gush at guys' hugs but not with girls' smacks, I feel queasy at a guy's intimacy but not with a girl's flirting. With that said, there are just some things in life that takes a while getting used to.
There used to be a time when I fell in love with a girl...
She was a classmate way back elementary, actually, she was a former crush of my cousin, the three of us were classmates back then. She has this white complexion, chinky eyes, cute nose, thin lips, quite petite but great posture. We used to call her MACHO cause she was so un-girly and tomboy-ish when growing up, she's not bossy nor does she dress like a man but from her acts, she could pass to be a femme. Anyway, she was my epitome of beauty and brains, the benchmark of what is perfect from imperfect and what is a dream from reality. She was a consistent honor student garnering medals to medals and ribbons to ribbons. She might as well be Athena and Aphrodite reincarnated as a Chinese-looking girl. Yes, those were the days when I would daydream about her even when there was a lesson going on. I would be blushing everytime I would approach her and would bow my head when standing in front of her. I can almost say that I became straight even for this short period of time. I tried befriending her for the reason that maybe I could start something then work my way from there, I tried my best to impress her, tried talking with her, the works until finally we became close, I became her closest guy friend and now it was time to make my move...I gave her small tokens of appreciation, talked to her trying to get to know her more, pa-cute effects, smiling most of the time, heck, I was placing my best feet forward and that's an understatement! But somehow, I still felt like a loser not because she dumped me but because I know she only saw me as a friend. A good friend. And also I know we haven't established standards yet when it comes to finding someone but hers is just more of Mt. Olympus-like than Chocolate hills. So, I told myself I will be the best in every way that I can maybe not too academically but as a whole. She was the one I thought of everytime I'm going to do something like studying for an exam or joining the spelling bee. Somehow, I always knew that I couldn't be for her not until I bring up my greatest potential as a person. That someday, if time and fate will still permit, I will get back to her, kneel down in front and will ask to court her... I still tried to communicate and connect to her even though I transferred to another school and she still went for our former alma mater. I even, gulp, asked her out but most of the time she would decline. Although her mom has this fondness for me which made me feel like we were somehow meant. :) Anyway, time passed and I haven't heard from her, I can still remember the last thing I gave to her, it's a letter telling her how I'm happy to be her friend...I was literally too gay to tell her how I really felt when she's around.
P.S. Anne, I know you won't get the chance to read this blog but I just want to let you know I Loved You more than you'll ever know.
Friday, October 16, 2009
The Hush on Being Discreet
Discreet- judicious in one's conduct or speech especially with regard to keeping silent about a delicate matter
Source: Webster's College Dictionary
How do you perceive discretion?
Would you associate it with self-preservation?
I have encountered people saying that discreet guys "are not being true to themselves!"
Why do you think they say that?
Let's look and see...
Majority of the people who voice out are the 'out' ones. They can do so because they already made themselves clear to the public that they are what they are, so forget about making them straight or the like. These guys are somewhat already comfortable with their sexuality and also comfortable on how they are in the society.
Then why do they feel irked at discreet guys?
They think that discreet guys are still closet gays who are still scared to reveal themselves on who they really are. In a sense they still are but let me just remind you that we have words self-preservation and intimidation... these words are very important to all of us especially if we feel threatened.
Self-preservation, hmmm... interesting word because we all know we need to survive in a physiological level- food, clothing, shelter - these are our basic needs in order to survive. But what about discreet guys? Well, aside from the above mentioned they still have to protect something very important to them and it's their dignity, all of us do. It's what keeps us and running and also what makes us a person capable to do various tasks to fit into this society. I don't think it's a facade, it's something in between. You see, being gay doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have characteristics similar to a female and same goes with lesbians, it all boils down to personality and upbringing. Some discreet guys 'act' to be discreet and for some, it goes on naturally. So bottom line is that it's a case to case basis if we are to think that discreet guys are still hiding from their closets. Some would see it as that and some would see it as their natural self, same as some guys are vocal and out about who they are and some are out but not yet vocal about it to others.
What happened to the word intimidation? Well you see, intimidation plays a big role because if there is no intimidation then there is no self-preservation. Think about it, would a person stop working because he feels like it? No, he would need to work because that is the way of life, to work and earn to survive each and everyday. Or in a medical way of thinking, there is the presence of a painful stimulus so the body COMPENSATES to prevent the harm or at least minimize its effect/s. The same goes with guys who are discreet, they may feel intimidated so there is a need to preserve who they are. To them, it's a matter of life and death, or so.
To conclude about this mini-topic, let me just say that discreet guys will always be discreet guys, they may be a bit scared or threatened but it will still boil down to how they are and how they perceive themselves. Acceptance is the key my brother.
Feel free to leave a comment... :)
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Ever, Ever After
The trip from the hotel down to his pad is just very brief but I swear it felt like it was one of the longest journeys I had to take. My heart was pounding like hammer to a steel, my mind went from dozing off to a student cramming for finals, my nerves were agitated to say the least. The taxi came to a halt, D paid the driver and he showed me towards the elevator. Sex, I mean, sixth floor is where he's staying. As we neared his room, I felt my chest getting tighter, palms getting a bit sweaty and I was breathing abnormally fast...
"What was I thinking?"
"Why didn't I just decline?"
"How am I suppose to get out of this?"
"Will he ask for more than just hugs and kisses?"
All of these questions keep ruminating in my head; my ego, my pleasure principle telling me to just go inside while my superego, my morale advocate is telling me to run, run as fast as I can and just go home to where I belong. In the end, my ego won the fight and another good reason (or alibi if you don't believe me) is that I'm too groggy and sleepy already to even walk towards a tricycle station. He showed me to his pad, it was simple yet it has a very cozy and comfortable feeling. He held out his hand leading me towards the sofa where he gave me the deepest, most sensual kiss I've ever experienced.
Damn! Curse you soft, supple, and succulent lips! Curse you! :)
After a few moments of lip-smacking and what not I stopped and told him that I needed to take a bath then we'll hit the sack and sleep.
"Don't take a bath anymore," D pleaded.
"I always take a bath, I smell like a pig already," I replied.
"That's fine with me," he added.
"Don't be ridiculous, I feel sticky already," I snorted.
"Okay, follow me in the bed after you bathe," D told me.
"Don't worry, I will, I will." I told him and chuckled lightly.
While I was bathing, I felt very ambivalent: I was bit happy and lonely at the same time, I was feeling weird but enticed, I felt awkward but enjoyable, and I felt hesitant but magnetized. I gave myself time to reflect all in the comfort of his bathroom. After that situation, I patted myself dry and went towards where he is, lying comfortably on his bed. He gave me that melting smile again and asked, "How was it?"
"T'was alright." I gave him a faint smirk.
He kissed me and then he went to take a bath also.
Frankly, he's the first male I've met that takes such a long time in the bathroom that I actually forgot to wait for him and went ahead to snooze. When he was done, I opened one of my eyes and saw him walking towards me, we kissed again and he proceeded to put some clothes. He
joined me in bed and in as much as I want to sleep already, I just couldn't. He smothered me with kisses, enchanted me with his voice and encased me with his hug. It was fairly safe to describe my feeling that moment as euphoric. After cuddling up and getting mushy, we already decided to sleep. Thank God.
I'd find ways to meet him even though I'm running out of excuses to my mom.
I'd search means to meet him even though they're either superficial or illogical.
I'd keep my mind open for the reason that I thought we're going out but not Exclusively Dating.
I'd feel very happy everytime he texts me that he misses me.
I'd get pretty flattered everytime he texts me "mwah."
I'd wait every night for his texts just to make sure he arrives home safely.
I'd text him every now and then just to let him know that he's almost always on my mind.
This kind of set-up went for about three weeks...
Until one night in his pad, we were conversing about a movie we're watching when he suddenly opened up something unexpectable...
D: J said that we used to refrain from being affectionate if we're not dating. I forgot what he specifically said but it meant that way. Are we dating?
Feeling hesitant.
P: I don't know, I guess not.
D: Yeah, that's what I thought so too.
P: He said this when?
D: At the get-together when you weren't able to join us.
P: Oh, I see.
My mood harshly shifted from happy to depressing.
P: D, can I ask you something?
D: Go ahead.
P: Are you looking for someone right now?
D: No, I'm not. Wait, P, are you looking for someone?
P: To tell you the truth I was...
D: Isn't it too early to look, I mean, we met within the week that you broke-up with your boyfriend.
P: I know that but...
D: But what?
P: Nothing.
I smiled at him, lied on the bed and closed my eyes.
It was better if he told me that he's not looking right from the start.
It was better if he told me not to expect right after we parted ways on our fist meeting.
It was better of he didn't reciprocate my feelings and affection towards him.
It was better if he'd just shoot me on the head point blank.
Another conversation brewed.
D: Are you okay?
P: I'm fine, don't worry.
D: Something seems to be bothering you.
P: Oh, just some stuff I've been thinking lately.
D: Hey, if you wanna say or tell me something even if it's about me, I'm here.
P: Thanks, will do.
If only he knew I was thinking about him that very moment.
P: If I may ask again, why aren't you looking for someone?
D: I guess I'm still waiting for someone to come.
P: I'm here, I came, right?
D: Um...yeah,you came...
Awkward silence
P: Last question, were you thinking I was dating you or looking for friendship?
D: Friendship. I honestly thought you were looking also for friendship.
Friends don't kiss torridly not unless they're drunk or super horny. Just a thought. No offense.
D: So that's what was bothering you earlier!
P: Yeah, kinda.
D: Were you expecting something out of this?
P: Honestly, I was thinking that we were in the process of getting to know each other then maybe start something.
D: Awww...so you are expecting something.
P: Well, after all that's been said, I know where I belong now.
D: I'm sorry...
P: You don't have to be, I'm gonna be fine, I'm a big boy now!
We laughed a bit.
D: But for the record, I want to keep you as my friend, I don't have a lot of true friends.
P: I apologize but I would have to decline.
D: Oh, okay.
P: With everything that transpired between us, I'm gonna ask a simple request
D: What's that?
P: Delete me from your contacts; phone, fs, ym, everything.
D: Why?
P: It's for the best.
D: I won't do that.
P: Suit yourself but I will have to delete your number in my phone.
D: Please don't, don't delete it yet...
Silence again
P: Come on! Let's go to sleep already, you have a great new day ahead of you! It'll be a fresh new start for both of us!
D: Hehe...Alright, I'm getting sleepy also. Hey P, one last request?
P: Shoot!
D: Can I hug you for one last time?
P: Yeah...
I let him hug me for one last time.
Enough to keep me warm throughout the night.
Enough to make me feel secure for the time being that we're asleep.
Enough to let me know that this particular night, he appreciates me.
Enough to think that he likes me.
Enough to think that I could offer him more than just my warmth.
Next day we woke up early because he has a birthday party to attend to
I said my goodbye and left his pad early.
Perfect example of a Cinderella Complex.
Perfect example of a Cinderella in a man's clothing.
Perfect example of a Cinderella Story Gone Wrong.
Final part
Friday, October 9, 2009
Ever, Ever After
An Open Letter to Mr. Ever After:
I'm stubborn, I'm hard- headed, I'm sensitive, I'm emotionally unstable, I'm moody, I lack sophistication, I'm corny, I'm mushy, I'm super perky, I'm jolly, I'm giving, I'm comedic, I'm humorous, I'm superficial, I'm inconsistent, I'm opinionated, I'm a conversationalist, I'm a debater, I'm a listener, I'm pessimistic, I'm hopeful, I don't go to church, I pray, I believe in Him, I'm spontaneous, I'm random, I'm submissive, I'm persuasive, I'm cool, I'm a fashion freak, I'm shy, I'm awkward, I'm timid, I'm a late bloomer, I can be promiscuous, I'm insatiable, I'm unlucky, I'm fortunate, I'm systematic, I'm loving, I'm caring, I'm loud, I'm tearful, I'm a cry-baby, I'm a rock, I'm witty,I'm passionate, I'm enigmatic, I'm a Scorpio, I can be dumb-founded, I can be speechless, I'm dominant, I'm a cliche, I'm unique, I'm a lover, I'm an extrovert, I have very limited number of friends, I have tons of acquaintances, I'm jologs, I'm a socialite, I do speak Tagalog, I can be coño, I'm impatient, I can wait for long periods of time, I'm a tech freak, I'm just above the poverty line, I'm insecure, I'm a mom's boy, I'm a snob, I'm sociable, I'm a heart-breaker, I am heart broken, I'm a blogger, I'm a writer, I'm a nurse, I love helping people, I need help also, I'm a terrible lover, I'm a wonderful boyfriend, I'm a safe player, I'm a risk taker, I'm a binge eater, I'm a bad dieter, I'm a gym-goer, I'm not looking for gym guys, I don't hook-up, I hate rebound guys, I can be mean, I'm rude, I'm very respectful, I'm conservative, I'm restrained, I have tantrums, I'm a juvenile delinquent, I'm a good boy, I'm sarcastic, I'm realistic, I'm idealistic, I'm problematic, I'm carefree, I'm a neat freak, I'm obsessive-compulsive, I'm trying hard, I'm competitive, I was never into sports, I appreciate ballet, I don't like rock music, I love pop rock and techno and ballad and alternative, I have the slightest idea on Bruce Springsteen, I grew up with Spice Girls as role models, I can be gullible, I'm pathetic, I am very suspicious, I'm possessive, I can be very comforting, I can warm a cold heart, I can be freezing cold, I love giving hugs, I love giving kisses, I wanna be hugged, I wanna receive kisses, I don't like going to movies and watching that stuff, I love reading magazines and books among others, I love dinosaurs when I was young, I wish I was the White Ranger, I like the transformers, I can lack empathy, I can be judgmental, I can give people the benefit of the doubt, I vent out problems, I'm a shock-absorber, I'm a keen observer, I read people's gestures, I have nothing to gain from writing this, I can lose everything about this post, I'm incomplete because of you, I'm complete when I met you...
Part 3
I'm stubborn, I'm hard- headed, I'm sensitive, I'm emotionally unstable, I'm moody, I lack sophistication, I'm corny, I'm mushy, I'm super perky, I'm jolly, I'm giving, I'm comedic, I'm humorous, I'm superficial, I'm inconsistent, I'm opinionated, I'm a conversationalist, I'm a debater, I'm a listener, I'm pessimistic, I'm hopeful, I don't go to church, I pray, I believe in Him, I'm spontaneous, I'm random, I'm submissive, I'm persuasive, I'm cool, I'm a fashion freak, I'm shy, I'm awkward, I'm timid, I'm a late bloomer, I can be promiscuous, I'm insatiable, I'm unlucky, I'm fortunate, I'm systematic, I'm loving, I'm caring, I'm loud, I'm tearful, I'm a cry-baby, I'm a rock, I'm witty,I'm passionate, I'm enigmatic, I'm a Scorpio, I can be dumb-founded, I can be speechless, I'm dominant, I'm a cliche, I'm unique, I'm a lover, I'm an extrovert, I have very limited number of friends, I have tons of acquaintances, I'm jologs, I'm a socialite, I do speak Tagalog, I can be coño, I'm impatient, I can wait for long periods of time, I'm a tech freak, I'm just above the poverty line, I'm insecure, I'm a mom's boy, I'm a snob, I'm sociable, I'm a heart-breaker, I am heart broken, I'm a blogger, I'm a writer, I'm a nurse, I love helping people, I need help also, I'm a terrible lover, I'm a wonderful boyfriend, I'm a safe player, I'm a risk taker, I'm a binge eater, I'm a bad dieter, I'm a gym-goer, I'm not looking for gym guys, I don't hook-up, I hate rebound guys, I can be mean, I'm rude, I'm very respectful, I'm conservative, I'm restrained, I have tantrums, I'm a juvenile delinquent, I'm a good boy, I'm sarcastic, I'm realistic, I'm idealistic, I'm problematic, I'm carefree, I'm a neat freak, I'm obsessive-compulsive, I'm trying hard, I'm competitive, I was never into sports, I appreciate ballet, I don't like rock music, I love pop rock and techno and ballad and alternative, I have the slightest idea on Bruce Springsteen, I grew up with Spice Girls as role models, I can be gullible, I'm pathetic, I am very suspicious, I'm possessive, I can be very comforting, I can warm a cold heart, I can be freezing cold, I love giving hugs, I love giving kisses, I wanna be hugged, I wanna receive kisses, I don't like going to movies and watching that stuff, I love reading magazines and books among others, I love dinosaurs when I was young, I wish I was the White Ranger, I like the transformers, I can lack empathy, I can be judgmental, I can give people the benefit of the doubt, I vent out problems, I'm a shock-absorber, I'm a keen observer, I read people's gestures, I have nothing to gain from writing this, I can lose everything about this post, I'm incomplete because of you, I'm complete when I met you...
Part 3
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Ever, Ever After...
The party turned into a small group discussion, 12 people and their opinions, 12 people and their perspectives, 12 people and their personal takes on life. It was changing from party mode to a subtle, more humanistic intellectual discussion which was fine with all of us.
Gayness and what not was all the rage that night, which was understandable because, heck, 11 are gay men added by a straight girl and a lesbian. :) Of all the people who gave their opinions, D was the one I saluted most, he didn't talk much nor express much thought on some topics but when he talks, there's this certain elegance and sophistication that goes with his words. SHIT! I was drawn to him... Smart and Gwapo... Dream guy na ito! But I was still hesitant thinking that it's too early to jump into something again, I mean, he would look like my rebound guy or worse, a hook-up. I don't like that, I never liked that concept in a gay guy's life. Maybe when I was younger I could do that but my conservative background plus life experiences taught me to be nice in a wholesome kind of way. Anyway, the group talked while I try to squeeze my body to him on the couch..it was a bold move but someone's gotta do it! Hahaha! The good part is that he reciprocated, he hang his arms over my shoulders while I hold his hand. It was sweet and ALL of them totally noticed (like we were hiding it in the first place).
There was this one time that I needed to go to the comfort room so I decided to temporarily leave the pack and go to the john. Seriously, I forgot to lock the comfort room and he suddenly went in without my permission and we kissed torridly! Oh yeah, I forgot to take a pee also so bummer. When we got back to the sofa area we sat by each other again as if nothing happened, about five minutes later, J, whispered in my ear: "Hey, P, your fly is open." Shoot! Tumbling talaga ako nun! It was really unintentional and he didn't do anything that's in my pants it just so happens that I already unzipped my pants when he came in and we smooched. Signs of aging, horrible, horrible signs of aging.
Second time at the comfort room, I really have to go... and funny thing is that he kinda read my mind and went ahead so there was him then me then another guy followed. After he used the john he suddenly tugged me and again, torrid kiss as if there's no tomorrow. Geez, this is making me feel uneasy but the blog must go on! After we kissed, he let me pee finally and I went out first just to make the people outside know that we're not doing anything. Lo and behold, the guy who was supposed to go next to me just sat on the bed fronting the comfort room and he was smoking, somehow he already know that we're both inside.
Last time again towards the comfort room was the time we had to leave the party, I need to go again to the john for one last time while he needs to freshen up, quick smacks and smooches and we were done. When we went out of the room we saw all of them giving us a smirk and G blurted out: "Ambilis naman!" I just bowed my head and felt a bit embarrassed. He, on the other hand just gave a faint smile to G. Finally, the party ended, we all were so tired but all of us were so happy with the outcome, new people and new experiences this is, in reality, one of the best I had so far because this is also the first time I went to a house party like this.
"It's getting rainy and I know you're tired, do you wanna stay at my pad?" D asked me when we're on the hotel entrance.
At first I have doubts because I have encountered offers like this, this is not a good thing or I'm just paranoid but I gave in and I told him a resounding "Yes."
He got a cab, went to his pad and there I was feeling queasy, uneasy and restless while he was still the calm and collected guy I knew at the party.
Part 2
Gayness and what not was all the rage that night, which was understandable because, heck, 11 are gay men added by a straight girl and a lesbian. :) Of all the people who gave their opinions, D was the one I saluted most, he didn't talk much nor express much thought on some topics but when he talks, there's this certain elegance and sophistication that goes with his words. SHIT! I was drawn to him... Smart and Gwapo... Dream guy na ito! But I was still hesitant thinking that it's too early to jump into something again, I mean, he would look like my rebound guy or worse, a hook-up. I don't like that, I never liked that concept in a gay guy's life. Maybe when I was younger I could do that but my conservative background plus life experiences taught me to be nice in a wholesome kind of way. Anyway, the group talked while I try to squeeze my body to him on the couch..it was a bold move but someone's gotta do it! Hahaha! The good part is that he reciprocated, he hang his arms over my shoulders while I hold his hand. It was sweet and ALL of them totally noticed (like we were hiding it in the first place).
There was this one time that I needed to go to the comfort room so I decided to temporarily leave the pack and go to the john. Seriously, I forgot to lock the comfort room and he suddenly went in without my permission and we kissed torridly! Oh yeah, I forgot to take a pee also so bummer. When we got back to the sofa area we sat by each other again as if nothing happened, about five minutes later, J, whispered in my ear: "Hey, P, your fly is open." Shoot! Tumbling talaga ako nun! It was really unintentional and he didn't do anything that's in my pants it just so happens that I already unzipped my pants when he came in and we smooched. Signs of aging, horrible, horrible signs of aging.
Second time at the comfort room, I really have to go... and funny thing is that he kinda read my mind and went ahead so there was him then me then another guy followed. After he used the john he suddenly tugged me and again, torrid kiss as if there's no tomorrow. Geez, this is making me feel uneasy but the blog must go on! After we kissed, he let me pee finally and I went out first just to make the people outside know that we're not doing anything. Lo and behold, the guy who was supposed to go next to me just sat on the bed fronting the comfort room and he was smoking, somehow he already know that we're both inside.
Last time again towards the comfort room was the time we had to leave the party, I need to go again to the john for one last time while he needs to freshen up, quick smacks and smooches and we were done. When we went out of the room we saw all of them giving us a smirk and G blurted out: "Ambilis naman!" I just bowed my head and felt a bit embarrassed. He, on the other hand just gave a faint smile to G. Finally, the party ended, we all were so tired but all of us were so happy with the outcome, new people and new experiences this is, in reality, one of the best I had so far because this is also the first time I went to a house party like this.
"It's getting rainy and I know you're tired, do you wanna stay at my pad?" D asked me when we're on the hotel entrance.
At first I have doubts because I have encountered offers like this, this is not a good thing or I'm just paranoid but I gave in and I told him a resounding "Yes."
He got a cab, went to his pad and there I was feeling queasy, uneasy and restless while he was still the calm and collected guy I knew at the party.
Part 2
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ever, Ever After...
September 29th, Tuesday evening, J and D conversing in a coffee shop in Quezon City.
J: How are you doing?
D: I'm doing great, I might be going out of the country very soon.
J: For how long?
D: It's work-related so I can't say the duration...
J: That's nice to hear. Hope you have a safe trip and pasalubong ha! I will make you go back there if you forget!
Both guys chuckled.
J: How is P doing?
D: I guess he's good, still looking for work.
J: Just a random question...
D: Sige lang, shoot...
J: You guys getting affectionate?
D: Yes.
J: How about getting intimate?
D: Yes.
J: Then are you guys dating?
D: From what I know, we're not really dating, we're more of companionship. He knows that. I think he knows that.
J: D, just to give you a heads up, don't get too much intimate, it could get ugly for both of you.
D: Thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind.
They went back to the crowd in the shop.
Nearly four weeks before that incident on a Monday afternoon, my bf and I broke up for more than a year of being committed, the break-up was heart-wrenching and tear-jerking but I told him it was for the best and he took it like a man. He obliged. After that incident, my mind and heart became stuporous that it was better for me to be in a deep coma rather than trying to cling to life everyday.
Saturday came, I attended to a party of a newly-found friend, it was a very awkward party and intimidating too, the reason for that is because of new people, new faces, ergo, new rapport and interaction-building. People were coming in and out of the suite so I just didn't give a damn knowing those people. What is important and my mind set that night was for me to SURVIVE without embarrassing myself. Period. But, amidst those people, gallivanting, chatting, arriving and leaving was an unfamiliar face which I must say, am initially smitten. He doesn't have that same AXE effect if ever Trishan Cuaso or Luke Jickain entered the room but I was in a weird way, similarly taken aback. He glided past the crowd and went straight to the celebrant and shook hands ten decided tp hang-out with his peers. "Looks like he's a good friend of the Birthday Boy M," I told myself while I catch a glimpse of him. I know, I know it's quite stalking but every minute I take a quick look at him, his smile is a natural knee-shaker. Knowing that he's still in the party makes me a bit happy and flirty (bad). Later on that night while me and my newly-found acquaintances were gonna satisfy our hunger through rummaging in the kitchen, he, out of the blue, introduced himself with bravado and confidence: "Hi, my name is D, and you guys are?"
"I'm A," said my soft-spoken acquaintance.
"I'm I," said my loudmouth acquaintance.
"I'm K," said my shy and timid acquaintance
"And you are?" He asked me, but, being the most poised among them I said "I'm P but I can't shake my hands with you yet cause my hands are wet." After that little encounter I suddenly said at the back of my head, way to go Romeo.
The night turned to late night to early morning, the party people dwindled until only 15 were left, I think 3 of them went to sleep. He was still there and, of course, I wouldn't leave without knowing him better...
Part 1
J: How are you doing?
D: I'm doing great, I might be going out of the country very soon.
J: For how long?
D: It's work-related so I can't say the duration...
J: That's nice to hear. Hope you have a safe trip and pasalubong ha! I will make you go back there if you forget!
Both guys chuckled.
J: How is P doing?
D: I guess he's good, still looking for work.
J: Just a random question...
D: Sige lang, shoot...
J: You guys getting affectionate?
D: Yes.
J: How about getting intimate?
D: Yes.
J: Then are you guys dating?
D: From what I know, we're not really dating, we're more of companionship. He knows that. I think he knows that.
J: D, just to give you a heads up, don't get too much intimate, it could get ugly for both of you.
D: Thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind.
They went back to the crowd in the shop.
Nearly four weeks before that incident on a Monday afternoon, my bf and I broke up for more than a year of being committed, the break-up was heart-wrenching and tear-jerking but I told him it was for the best and he took it like a man. He obliged. After that incident, my mind and heart became stuporous that it was better for me to be in a deep coma rather than trying to cling to life everyday.
Saturday came, I attended to a party of a newly-found friend, it was a very awkward party and intimidating too, the reason for that is because of new people, new faces, ergo, new rapport and interaction-building. People were coming in and out of the suite so I just didn't give a damn knowing those people. What is important and my mind set that night was for me to SURVIVE without embarrassing myself. Period. But, amidst those people, gallivanting, chatting, arriving and leaving was an unfamiliar face which I must say, am initially smitten. He doesn't have that same AXE effect if ever Trishan Cuaso or Luke Jickain entered the room but I was in a weird way, similarly taken aback. He glided past the crowd and went straight to the celebrant and shook hands ten decided tp hang-out with his peers. "Looks like he's a good friend of the Birthday Boy M," I told myself while I catch a glimpse of him. I know, I know it's quite stalking but every minute I take a quick look at him, his smile is a natural knee-shaker. Knowing that he's still in the party makes me a bit happy and flirty (bad). Later on that night while me and my newly-found acquaintances were gonna satisfy our hunger through rummaging in the kitchen, he, out of the blue, introduced himself with bravado and confidence: "Hi, my name is D, and you guys are?"
"I'm A," said my soft-spoken acquaintance.
"I'm I," said my loudmouth acquaintance.
"I'm K," said my shy and timid acquaintance
"And you are?" He asked me, but, being the most poised among them I said "I'm P but I can't shake my hands with you yet cause my hands are wet." After that little encounter I suddenly said at the back of my head, way to go Romeo.
The night turned to late night to early morning, the party people dwindled until only 15 were left, I think 3 of them went to sleep. He was still there and, of course, I wouldn't leave without knowing him better...
Part 1
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Gym Gays er... Guys
Physicality is one aspect we can't devoid the gay community with. The very thought of nearly perfect chiseled pecs, popping-from-sleeve biceps, proportionately curved shoulders, visually-appealing V-shaped torso and the drool-worthy,impeccable, sculpted six pack abs.
My, my, how the ideal gay guy really evolved from yesteryears- from just looking good to looking good with a stable job to looking good with a stable job and a nice body to looking good with a well-paying job and a great idea- you get my point. Standards just got higher and higher. Sigh...
How funny and ironic we can be sometimes. If we go into retrospection, we can clearly imagine a caveman hunting everyday just to get through a day. We can also idealize that being chunky or tubby will get them nowhere hence they would starve. Most of them would have physiques that would make Piolo Pascual, Joem Bascon, and Derek Ramsay look wimpy and scrawny. Just think, they have to chase after their meal for God knows how many hours and distance. Cardio at its best! :) Let us now jump so far that we are now in the Age of Enlightenment or the Renaissance Period, a time when flab was considered fab, when weight is synonymous with wealth and when obesity is beauty... this was the time when people look at you with awe and glee when you have double chin or sticking-out love handles. Yes boys and gays, there was a time that most people admired the chubby and the stocky guys. Fast-forward to modernization coupled with my best friends...eating disorders: Ms. Anorexia and Mr. Bulimia plus the word 'thinspiration' plus the greatest discovery of man: size zero (0).
So, where do we gay guys stand?
Our society is harsh up to the point that it can and will eat you alive. Conforming to social norms add to our everyday stresses as people of uniqueness. We all know we're designed for perfection though no one is perfect, at least we can try to climb up there...
The Gym is our mecca: it offers a variety of unimaginable experiences from the visual to the sensual, it offers us a lot to do to make ourselves feel more 'wanted' or 'desired' in an opinionated kind of way and it offers us a whole array of people to interact with for just about anything. Bench-presses, squats, military presses, sweat, groans and semi-naked guys. Viewing pleasure taken to the next level.
Why bother going there?
Because we are creatures of insatiability, we want things when we want things, we crave for flesh in its nicest, most-sculpted form, we salivate over models and model-like people, we go ga-ga, we just go ga-ga and that's how it is in our world, in a modern gay world. I'm not trying to discriminate plus size people, I have been a plus size since I was a kid and let me tell you, it's harsher when you're big. So with the persuasiveness of my mom with her nagging and complaints, I drove myself to where I am today: a psychotic, weight-conscious, food-conscious, everything-conscious control freak out to help people with their problems either with weight or emotions or both.
The gym, it is a haven for most gay guys but for me, it's my second home in order for me to stay sane from the criticism and mistreatment of people who base their preferences on the physical aspect of man.
The gym, would you want to conform to society and all its idiosyncrasies and settings? Or, be you, just your unique you?
My, my, how the ideal gay guy really evolved from yesteryears- from just looking good to looking good with a stable job to looking good with a stable job and a nice body to looking good with a well-paying job and a great idea- you get my point. Standards just got higher and higher. Sigh...
How funny and ironic we can be sometimes. If we go into retrospection, we can clearly imagine a caveman hunting everyday just to get through a day. We can also idealize that being chunky or tubby will get them nowhere hence they would starve. Most of them would have physiques that would make Piolo Pascual, Joem Bascon, and Derek Ramsay look wimpy and scrawny. Just think, they have to chase after their meal for God knows how many hours and distance. Cardio at its best! :) Let us now jump so far that we are now in the Age of Enlightenment or the Renaissance Period, a time when flab was considered fab, when weight is synonymous with wealth and when obesity is beauty... this was the time when people look at you with awe and glee when you have double chin or sticking-out love handles. Yes boys and gays, there was a time that most people admired the chubby and the stocky guys. Fast-forward to modernization coupled with my best friends...eating disorders: Ms. Anorexia and Mr. Bulimia plus the word 'thinspiration' plus the greatest discovery of man: size zero (0).
So, where do we gay guys stand?
Our society is harsh up to the point that it can and will eat you alive. Conforming to social norms add to our everyday stresses as people of uniqueness. We all know we're designed for perfection though no one is perfect, at least we can try to climb up there...
The Gym is our mecca: it offers a variety of unimaginable experiences from the visual to the sensual, it offers us a lot to do to make ourselves feel more 'wanted' or 'desired' in an opinionated kind of way and it offers us a whole array of people to interact with for just about anything. Bench-presses, squats, military presses, sweat, groans and semi-naked guys. Viewing pleasure taken to the next level.
Why bother going there?
Because we are creatures of insatiability, we want things when we want things, we crave for flesh in its nicest, most-sculpted form, we salivate over models and model-like people, we go ga-ga, we just go ga-ga and that's how it is in our world, in a modern gay world. I'm not trying to discriminate plus size people, I have been a plus size since I was a kid and let me tell you, it's harsher when you're big. So with the persuasiveness of my mom with her nagging and complaints, I drove myself to where I am today: a psychotic, weight-conscious, food-conscious, everything-conscious control freak out to help people with their problems either with weight or emotions or both.
The gym, it is a haven for most gay guys but for me, it's my second home in order for me to stay sane from the criticism and mistreatment of people who base their preferences on the physical aspect of man.
The gym, would you want to conform to society and all its idiosyncrasies and settings? Or, be you, just your unique you?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
-
I went to Bayern (Bavaria) last weekend. I needed a good breather. Halos hindi na ako makahinga sa Berlin. At hindi ko rin maipaliwanag ba... -
Malayong-malayo sa Berlin ang mga tanawin sa Bavaria. In Berlin, it is all buildings, houses, structures, people of all races, dirt, litter,...