Out and About
When I was younger I always convinced myself that I'm a heterosexual man bound to live a heterosexual life. My dream plan included a beautiful wife who understands and shares the joys and sorrows of living together, gorgeous kids who someday will be successful in their own ways, a comfortably-sized home where we can just relax and sit back and a job that entails further personal development and growth.
Fast forward to the future and most of what I had hoped seem to be all blur...
For one, I always felt that I was different in a weird kind of way, I always had this thing for guys but never for girls, I used to think of guys but barely of girls, I gush at guys' hugs but not with girls' smacks, I feel queasy at a guy's intimacy but not with a girl's flirting. With that said, there are just some things in life that takes a while getting used to.
There used to be a time when I fell in love with a girl...
She was a classmate way back elementary, actually, she was a former crush of my cousin, the three of us were classmates back then. She has this white complexion, chinky eyes, cute nose, thin lips, quite petite but great posture. We used to call her MACHO cause she was so un-girly and tomboy-ish when growing up, she's not bossy nor does she dress like a man but from her acts, she could pass to be a femme. Anyway, she was my epitome of beauty and brains, the benchmark of what is perfect from imperfect and what is a dream from reality. She was a consistent honor student garnering medals to medals and ribbons to ribbons. She might as well be Athena and Aphrodite reincarnated as a Chinese-looking girl. Yes, those were the days when I would daydream about her even when there was a lesson going on. I would be blushing everytime I would approach her and would bow my head when standing in front of her. I can almost say that I became straight even for this short period of time. I tried befriending her for the reason that maybe I could start something then work my way from there, I tried my best to impress her, tried talking with her, the works until finally we became close, I became her closest guy friend and now it was time to make my move...I gave her small tokens of appreciation, talked to her trying to get to know her more, pa-cute effects, smiling most of the time, heck, I was placing my best feet forward and that's an understatement! But somehow, I still felt like a loser not because she dumped me but because I know she only saw me as a friend. A good friend. And also I know we haven't established standards yet when it comes to finding someone but hers is just more of Mt. Olympus-like than Chocolate hills. So, I told myself I will be the best in every way that I can maybe not too academically but as a whole. She was the one I thought of everytime I'm going to do something like studying for an exam or joining the spelling bee. Somehow, I always knew that I couldn't be for her not until I bring up my greatest potential as a person. That someday, if time and fate will still permit, I will get back to her, kneel down in front and will ask to court her... I still tried to communicate and connect to her even though I transferred to another school and she still went for our former alma mater. I even, gulp, asked her out but most of the time she would decline. Although her mom has this fondness for me which made me feel like we were somehow meant. :) Anyway, time passed and I haven't heard from her, I can still remember the last thing I gave to her, it's a letter telling her how I'm happy to be her friend...I was literally too gay to tell her how I really felt when she's around.
P.S. Anne, I know you won't get the chance to read this blog but I just want to let you know I Loved You more than you'll ever know.
Fast forward to the future and most of what I had hoped seem to be all blur...
For one, I always felt that I was different in a weird kind of way, I always had this thing for guys but never for girls, I used to think of guys but barely of girls, I gush at guys' hugs but not with girls' smacks, I feel queasy at a guy's intimacy but not with a girl's flirting. With that said, there are just some things in life that takes a while getting used to.
There used to be a time when I fell in love with a girl...
She was a classmate way back elementary, actually, she was a former crush of my cousin, the three of us were classmates back then. She has this white complexion, chinky eyes, cute nose, thin lips, quite petite but great posture. We used to call her MACHO cause she was so un-girly and tomboy-ish when growing up, she's not bossy nor does she dress like a man but from her acts, she could pass to be a femme. Anyway, she was my epitome of beauty and brains, the benchmark of what is perfect from imperfect and what is a dream from reality. She was a consistent honor student garnering medals to medals and ribbons to ribbons. She might as well be Athena and Aphrodite reincarnated as a Chinese-looking girl. Yes, those were the days when I would daydream about her even when there was a lesson going on. I would be blushing everytime I would approach her and would bow my head when standing in front of her. I can almost say that I became straight even for this short period of time. I tried befriending her for the reason that maybe I could start something then work my way from there, I tried my best to impress her, tried talking with her, the works until finally we became close, I became her closest guy friend and now it was time to make my move...I gave her small tokens of appreciation, talked to her trying to get to know her more, pa-cute effects, smiling most of the time, heck, I was placing my best feet forward and that's an understatement! But somehow, I still felt like a loser not because she dumped me but because I know she only saw me as a friend. A good friend. And also I know we haven't established standards yet when it comes to finding someone but hers is just more of Mt. Olympus-like than Chocolate hills. So, I told myself I will be the best in every way that I can maybe not too academically but as a whole. She was the one I thought of everytime I'm going to do something like studying for an exam or joining the spelling bee. Somehow, I always knew that I couldn't be for her not until I bring up my greatest potential as a person. That someday, if time and fate will still permit, I will get back to her, kneel down in front and will ask to court her... I still tried to communicate and connect to her even though I transferred to another school and she still went for our former alma mater. I even, gulp, asked her out but most of the time she would decline. Although her mom has this fondness for me which made me feel like we were somehow meant. :) Anyway, time passed and I haven't heard from her, I can still remember the last thing I gave to her, it's a letter telling her how I'm happy to be her friend...I was literally too gay to tell her how I really felt when she's around.
P.S. Anne, I know you won't get the chance to read this blog but I just want to let you know I Loved You more than you'll ever know.
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