Of Unfolding A Chapter

Thankful would be the most suitable word to describe this year. Perhaps that is an understatement, perhaps that is just so.

From meeting new people, traversing new places, and finding my loved one, ah yes, this year has been plentiful of memories.

Learning a lot and hopefully putting all of these to good use.

At one point I have learned to have finally let go of feelings that had been quite bothersome. Regrets are man's worst emotional enemy, that is how it is. But I have learned to minimize these. I figured I cannot live on regretting more and accepting less. Life is beautiful, like a well-written novel striking you when you least expect it, astounding you.

I may not say much but I am very thankful of the people around me. I have learned that mutuality is of human nature, yet, I have also learned that you do not expect people to treat you the same way as you treat them, less or more, of various unspoken reasons, that you do not expect someone to make you feel the same way you feel for them, that you had shared a special moment, a bonding, a former connection but that is the magic of interaction, variable.

These people have helped me adjust to the fast-paced environment around.

Do I have trouble adjusting? Frankly, I have.

Do I see it as a problem? Frankly, I do. 

Do I want to always count on them for guidance? No, not anymore.

Perhaps it is time to be man enough to admit how I am really trying my best not to be swayed by indifferences, discrimination, and culture shock.

It is a breath of fresh air thinking that a lot of changes has been made, it amazes me even. For the past year made me realize how I was just missing out so much on some wondrous offerings.

Comfort zones, for the longest time, have kept me at both worlds - sane and a little insane. I promised myself to be bolder and leaping better than last time. Baby steps notwithstanding.

Whew!

Finally, this blog chronicles who I am and what I am as a person. Bad or good, I am truly, truly happy I get to interact with you guys. There is no denying that inasmuch as I want to close this one and start life anew, I just cannot bear to.

To the people who read my thoughts and moments of sense and sensibilities then I say my most heartfelt thanks.

Perhaps one day, we can go out and have some conversation about anything. Yes, even dramas! But let's plan that first.

2012 is just a few sleeps away...it's time to go out with a bang!

Of Christmas Carols

The sun was setting and I had just come home from a day of work. It was a gym day so inasmuch as I want to take a good rest and continue reading Shanghai Girls, I just couldn't.


I hurried inside the house and plopped my bag on the sofa, took off my shirt, went in the bathroom to take off my pants and slipped a pair of boxers, and turned on the TV. Fairly Oddparents was broadcasting that time. A few minutes later I took out my dinner before hitting the gym - three pieces of chicken hotdog and a cup of rice. I placed the hotdogs inside the toaster and set it for 10 minutes and resumed watching the cartoons.


"Whenever I see girls and boys selling lanterns on the street..."


I sighed. I heard it all right and I don't even want to bother myself going out and handing them some coins.


"I remember the child, in the manger as he sleeps..."


But they are persistent kids. Kids who will irritate you until you give them coins.


As they continued their business outside, I realized how time flew by real fast when I was a kid.


I remembered I used to carol too, me, my older sister, and my neighboring friends. It was an annual tradition for us. One of my friends would happily drop by each and every one of our houses and we would form an indispensable group of carolers. The toughest (or maybe the sole) of the bunch. We would go around our part of our subdivision and stand in front of every prospective house and sing our hearts out. I don't even mind being the second voice because honestly I don't have the voice to begin with.


Then I snapped back to reality. And I compared how we used to carol and how kids carol these days.


We used to carol for fun, for comfort, for kicks, and yes, for money too but money was our last option. We didn't care if we made small or big that day. What we were thinking was that we were together, we were singing, laughing, and fooling with each other and being paid for that!


Kids nowadays, first of all, don't sing, they scream. I kid you not. They literally just scream with their pseudo-musical instruments, they scream a few tunes, and voila! They expect you to dole out for their underwhelming performance. And don't even get me started on them buzzing your house even when they literally see the lights off inside.


The joy that bonding friends used to bring when we were small was incomparable. That was what I treasured and what I liked the most about the holidays; because of our busy school schedules, we barely see each other but come Christmas vacation and every night during the holidays, we huddle up and catch up. But kids these days don't even seem to know the reason why they carol. If they think they need to scream, disturb, and pester people because they need to have some money by Christmas, then there really would a problem when they grow up.


As the kids outside and their disturbing performance made a halt and were asking for what their voices were worth, I got my gym bag, got some money from the stack of coins we pile up during caroling time, and gave them five pesos.

The Boldest Move

"I want to kiss boys tonight."

And so it is true, alcohol makes you more courageous.

I whispered bluntly to my boyfriend while sitting inside the videoke room, tipsy.

"Go ahead."

He guffawed slightly.


I held his hand and squeezed it tightly. My love for him does not wane.

He will still be a royalty in my heart.

But last night, last night my carnal instinct went domineering.

There were just some guys too hard to resist. I was ready for the consequences if such might occur after.

Guys I already saw numerous times, guys I just wanted to taste lips and lock mine with.

"So G, reverting back to the old sl** you were?"

My mind snorted while I went outside for boys to tame.

"Why yes I will."

Two guys and just one me.

How can lil' ol' G manage?

And another boy you've met quite a few times.

But remember G, your friend had him first. He was even one of his concubines.

Well it seems your friend looked too busy to be bothered.

Perfect.

But first you grabbed two boys and placed them in the room, sandwiched yourself between them and started kissing the boy on the right, tasting the mix of soju and saliva. And then you made a go for the left guy's lips, smothering yourself with his breath and saliva.

Disgustingly delicious.

I got up from the couch where we made out, I fixed myself, and mingled some more.

And hungry for more.

Eyeing CE from afar made me realize how I wanted to taste him badly.

True, he is cute but his sex appeal exudes overwhelmingly

 I expect nothing short from your expectations.

But it seems fate is not on my side. Moments missed because of my second thoughts and doubts.

Ah, conscience is such a formidable enemy at that time.

I turned away and told myself "May be next time. And when I am ready, I would not hold back anymore."

It was already 4 in the morning, and there I was standing outside the establishment looking at him and his friends. O bar would be their next destination.

He looked at me for the last time, I came near him.

"I want to kiss you but I guess I'm kinda shy with your boyfriend around."

My doubt vanished.

I motioned my finger for him to come me.

I felt his breath hot and moist, and wanting.

And we kissed in front of the establishment, in front of the crowd, and in front of my boyfriend who was a few feet away.

I unlocked my lips from his mouth and let go of my hand from his hand.

Immediately, I turned away and joined the group nearby while he slid inside the cab with K and his gang.

I grabbed my boyfriend's hand then placed my hand across his shoulder.

I returned back to reality.

Pulling Away

Detachment from someone spells only two things,




Denial or Acceptance.

Postpone Gratification

And so, my four-day supposed vacation in Singapore got postponed til, well, I don't know when.


Sigh.


On the other hand, it means I can join the party at 17! Woohoo!

Playlist: Runway Rampage

This is probably my biggest addiction courtesy of The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show which I have been avidly watching since 2006.

Yeah, I'm a complete sucker for these ladies and that's not a bad thing at all!


I mean, come on. The lights, the glitter, the wings, the works!

Every day I try to listen to the runway music when I feel sexy. Okay, so everyday I feel sexy, fine.

Well, I can always assume.

10. Boom Boom Pow by The Black Eyed Peas. The song just feels so good that whenever I hear this song, I feel like Adriana Lima who can make it werq!

9. What's Your Name by Usher. What's your name? Baby, what's your number? Man, I love this song. The first time I heard this one, I played it over and over and over until my ears got tired from it. A good runway song, nonetheless.

8. Bossy by Kelis. I went gaga over this remixed VS version. It has that beat that makes you wanna go thump, thump, thump on a catwalk. I actually realized that aside from this song, only her song Milkshake comes to mind.

7. Teenage Dream by Katy Perry. Hands down, one of my most played songs. Ever.

6. Touch Me by Tiesto. Hell! This was one of the songs I truly, truly had a hard time searching. Firstly, DJ Tiesto usually has manic songs, like manic, non-lyrical songs so I wouldn't have guessed that he actually has a song that's so effin' cool! Okay, I'm exaggerating. But it's true, this song really is something.

5. Beware Of The Dog by Jamelia versus Depeche Mode. Have you heard this song? It's a VS remix of two songs. Now I don't know about Jamelia's song but I have heard Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode where the song was mixed with. Great tune and also has an implication.

4. Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake. Yup. Justin Timberlake. Well it wouldn't be a fashion show without this song, right? I honestly got addicted to watching the VS because of this song. I don't know, there's just something so undeniably hot in this song you feel as if you're Alessandra or Miranda.

3. I Got It From My Mama  by Will.I.Am. This song, this song is the bomb! 'Nuff said.

2. When You Were Young by The Killers. They say the Devil's water it ain't so sweet, you don't have to drink right now, but you can dip your feet, every once in a little while. An absolutely one of my top songs. The rhythm is great. I betcha.

1. Angel by Akon. They aren't called 'angels' for nothing. What better way to cap off this list than to put this song as the chart-topper of my favorite runway song ever? Well I tell you this song is really not just a feel good song but it makes you want to model back and forth your house with this song.


Believe me, I still do!

At Length

At a certain time, people who used to understand your situation, cannot anymore.

Post

The deepest of all thoughts can be - pointless.

Distinct

Selfishness is different from exercising independence.

The Stranger From Facebook

"Are you ready?" He asked.

"I am."

Anyway that was a lazy day after all, I might as well hear what he has to say, er, read what he has to type.

"It's gonna be a long one." He further added.

"That's fine, I can take it." I replied.

"My boyfriend and I were together for three and a half years. We do almost everything together. I love him and he knows how much I love him too. We couldn't stray away from each other. We have to be with each other most, if not, all of the time. He even transferred schools just for me. He transferred during sophomore year, from CSB to UST because as I said we couldn't be apart. "

"And?" I butted in.

"And it was wonderful. I mean, here was a guy I was truly in love with, a guy who even transferred schools just to be with me, and we do everything together, even studying."

"Then what happened?"

"Then med school came, and, and it just crumbled, what we had just crumbled down..."

"How come med school came into the scene of your relationship?" I guiltlessly asked.

"Well that, plus the fact that I met someone interesting at med school." He quickly added.

"Oh..."

"He is a Filipino-American and he is currently studying medicine here. We were classmates. At first, of course, I paid no attention to him, after all I am committed and when I do a commitment, I stick to it."

"So what made you, uh, attracted to this Fil-Am?"

"Well...I guess it was a process. I was not initially smitten but along the way, there was something in him. I don't know. Then we became friends and before you know it I was making excuses to my boyfriend because we became study buddies."

"Didn't your boyfriend even wonder why he wasn't your study buddy anymore?"

"Of course he did! And my boyfriend is the typical boyfriend who gets really jealous and starts getting suspicious. But I kept it from him that I had a new friend. Well, as for the Fil-Am, initially, being his study buddy was something different. Me being friends and study buddies with him feels different."

"I see."

"And then before I know it, I started hanging-out with him."

"And then it gets juicier."

"What do you mean? Anyway, yeah, we started hanging-out more often and then..."

He stopped mid-way.

"And then I slept with him"

"I see. How interesting."

"But don't get me wrong." He immediately added. "I slept with him but we didn't have sex. It was literally hugs and kisses. And that continued for some time."

"And how did it feel?" Okay, so I was excited to know.

"Electrifying. Yeah, that's the word for it, electrifying."

"And your boyfriend?"

"At first he was just speculating but he already knew the guy. After all, I do tell him of friends and school. Then one day, he went into my phone and he looked up the guy's phone number and e-mail address. And before I know it he was threatening him and sending him profane messages, trying to blackmail him. Well you know gut feelings, someway or another, your hunches become facts."

"And then?"

"And then everything just started to fall apart - relationship, the Fil-Am, med school - everything seems to get out of hand. And before I knew it, I was out of med school, out of my boyfriend's shadow, out of the Fil-Am's life, and out of the country."

"Wow." 

"What's so wow about that?"

"Nothing. It's just that I never had a boyfriend as madly in love as yours."

"Well you have a point but the thing is, what drove me away was how he got so controlling that even if I want to just study alone in a coffee shop, he said we have to study together. As in everytime. It was sweet at first but sooner or later, you will get tired from it."

Honestly, I don't know what to say to him after. It's not that he was just ranting, but it's because I cannot relate. True, I had boyfriends that were bordering paranoid but none compared to his.

"I told you it's long."

"Yeah, it is long."

And our conversation ended just like that.

Part 2

Threading Books

Completely difficult. That is all I have to say.

I could not find the words to say, the words to describe, and the words to express.

Last night I already planned how I will start this, well, at least a few lines just to warm me up.

I said to myself before I slumped onto my pillow that I will start with books.

In more ways that I could think of, perhaps I had always sought novels as sanctuary - a glimpse into what I was feeling at that particular moment - a simple escape route for when I need it much.

Somehow I find it intriguing how I would seek books then suddenly find myself caught up by the moment of reading - at home, in malls, in the MRT. I would get myself too engrossed I could not care less about the people around me.

There are times that I want to feel magical and whimsical, like Neil Gaiman's works, where anything goes. That I want to feel what it would be like having powers I could never dreamt of having. The part of me that wants to look at the world like miracles and supernatural activities are feasible yet no explanation could be ascertained from such. A part that just blows out my imagination, and for a time, I would listen to what my heart is saying and just go with it: succeed or fail will not even matter.

Then, there are moments I want to feel adventurous and brave, courageous to say the least, like Dan Brown's Robert Langdon. That while reading the book I feel that I could gallivant around Tondo, Recto, Divisoria, and dark alleys searching for something. It could either be something concrete or an abstract. Even I could not guess. Where my feet takes me that is where I go. And I shall head to where it is with much gusto.

Of quite a few times I have also sought melodrama. Arlene Chai's The Last Time I Saw Mother and Eating Fire And Drinking Water made me well up in tears. Yes, I nearly sobbed inside the MRT! So it is true, sometimes we just want to feel what the characters are feeling - of sorrow, of despair, of bliss, of simple joys, of tears of happiness...that somehow our current emotion will be swept away and completely taken over with the character's.

And perhaps the most fascinating are the Japanese authors Kazuo Ishiguro and Haruki Murakami. They have such different styles of writing from the Western authors that I myself am surprised how contrasting their books are from say, Elizabeth Kostova  or, hmmm...Nicholas Sparks. Primarily, I did not like Murakami may be because his book South Of The Border, West Of The Sun did not move me much. Heck, I did not even notice where the climax was. So I was disappointed the first book I read from him. Then I recently purchased and read Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go. The book tells much about emotions and feelings. Like how certain people grow from each other, learn how each burst of emotion can be evaluated and in turn make it into something positive and constructive. Their works have all this certain subtlety. Yes, I think that's the perfect description, subtlety plus profundity. They would never lay out all the cards for you hence, the ending gets nipped short.


Well may be I am writing too much now, after all, if you have noticed some of what I write actually has a continuation. But now I want to finish this. I don't know but somehow this post feels very different to write. And this is in a good way.


I want to finish this because I felt compelled to end this even if my creative juices go out of stock for a time.


So what do I really want to express on this one?


Nothing really too important. I guess, the very special attribute that I have learned to deal with during these times of reading books and novels of all sorts is I learn from them. That simple moments of reading can do wonders. I still don't know how it does that but I sure know it changed me in a distorted, convoluted, tortuous, mixed kind of way.


And this is coming from someone who just turned a quarter of a life.

The Stranger From Facebook

People are right. It is more comforting to tell your story to a person you don't know well. It saves you the judgement, the face, and the embarrassment.

I have not experienced narrating my life in exquisite detail to someone I barely know yet, I feel, and chances are, I might soon.

I was logged in Facebook (FB) the other night. It was s typical day for me: wake up, go to work, go home, postpone jogging, log on to the net. As I was meticulously browsing from one URL to another, I suddenly chanced upon my page as having a pending notification. I immediately clicked on the page and saw someone requesting for acceptance. Since I almost always add people who send their request, I accepted him.

A few minutes passed and I heard a pop, the FB pop when someone sends a message over chat.

"Thanks for accepting". The boy said.

"Welcome. :)". I replied.

I was still browsing other pages so I leave every now and then from FB. The boy has not made a reply so on I went to checking tech sites.

A few minutes passed and I heard the pop again. I clicked on the FB window.

"How are you?"

The message window appeared on the lower right corner of the page again.

"I am fine."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What is your preference?"

"I am gay. And you?"

"Cool. I am gay too." He said

"That's nice to know."

I quickly saw his location to be in Japan.

"So how come you're in another country now?" I added.

"Hiding. I'm hiding from my ex-boyfriend." He told me.

"Because?" I blatantly asked.

"I got tired of him. I felt suffocated. He made me feel like I was in prison."

Whoa! I was quite surprised. Here was a person I barely know, whom I have barely known for more than a couple of hours yet he bares his part of life as if I was someone who knows him for a long period of time.

"He was not really like that..." And so he continued.

Part 1

Process

We feel insufficient when in a relationship, yet feel we gave too much once out of it.

Boys Night Out

Spotted: G having a ball at the party.

But the question is, where's G?

Part 2

Insight

You never blame people for a motive gone wrong.

The Hues Of Pink

The night was humid and warm, I took my cap off and ruffled my hair. My forehead was starting to form beads of perspiration and I was nearly home.

Glancing from afar I saw shirtless men with their bottles of Red Horse and singing merrily in front of the store.

"Oceeeaaan Deeeeep! I'm so afraid to show my feelings!"

 

They were singing a sentimental song but made it much jollier, much out of note.

They were having the time of their life, with nothing to think but tonight. Drink and be merry so they say.

Farther down the street I was walking, I saw him, the parlorista with his waddling walk, over-the-top make-up, and flamboyant manicure set, he was out to service someone.

The parlorista who I see every night that has an 8-5 job at a parlor near our subdivision's entrance.

The parlorista who I see every night walking along dark alleys of our subdivision just so he could render service to someone and make an extra income. It doesn't matter how much, what matters is there is something.

The parlorista who I see, not every night, but sometimes, buying food for his nieces and nephews because his siblings left all the responsibility to him while they either gossip about someone or drink till the wee hours of the morning.

The parlorista who I see buying medicines for his ailing mother that despite how much he tries to make ends meet, he just can't seem to do so, yet he tries his very best.

As he gaudily sashayed near the store to pass, all types of insults flew from the drinking men's mouths, them with their beer bellies, haughty laughter, and derogatory mockeries.

He went on as if nothing happened.

But I heard them crystal clear.

As the parlorista passed through me, I saw his eyes - of remorse and sadness.

He knows I am too, an ally, a brother, or a sister, perhaps.

I wish I could have said something, defended him for such lies they threw at him.

But I couldn't. And bowed my head as if shamed.

Arriving at home, I immediately took all of my clothes and took a bath and drowned my thoughts.

I got out of the bathroom with a miniscule sense of relief.

But the night was still warm and suddenly it just felt so much warmer.

Boys Night Out

Hey Upper Eastsiders!

So are you ready to send off our favorite girl to a life of screaming kids and mortgages? Before H joins the land of happily ever after, let us show her what life was like during the good old times. Because it will surely be missed.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Black and White Party. Come in your most "I'm Single Fuck Me I'm Famous Look" as we celebrate the end of an era. And the dawn of a new one.

XOXO



Black or white? I was pondering what I would wear that Saturday night. It was a bachelorette's party that I will attending in a few hours and I have not decided yet what color to choose from.

Black? Evil, dark, dangerous, yet thrilling.


White? Simple, clean, pure, however, boring.

There I was inside the train going home, wondering what to wear.

I figured I would go with white. Yes, white. A safe choice.


As the clock struck 10, I found myself needing to go black: evil, dark, dangerous, and thrilling, and slimming too.

So black then. I told myself.

With my brushed up hair, leather jacket, and skinny jeans, I head out to The Fort - The Distillery to be exact.


Excited yet intimidated, I inched my way upstairs. I thought they'd be there as midnight was the time of the party... lo and behold, I see no familiar face.

Going down while I inched again from a not-so-familiar crowd, I went out to wait for them. A few moments later the crowd went rolling still. I still saw no recognizable face.

In a matter of 10 to 15 minutes, I finally saw faces that I do recognize.

One by one their group was finally forming. I felt relieved. However, we were still waiting for the two - the party boy and the it girl.

Alas, in a few minutes I finally saw the two alight the cab and now, I can truly say that the party was on.

With his golden locks and bold outfit, Goldilocks would have thrown a fit and be green with envy, and with his sister's perfect figure and hot dress, the two were certainly ready to have fun.

But enough of intros. I'd rather tell you how we had a blast!

True, earlier during the course I heard a straight guy tell his friend how numerous the gay guys were at that time but what the heck, it doesn't really matter. We went there to have some effin' fun and have a blast...









Part 1

When Truth Be Told

I had just lost my phone nearly a week ago and I chanced upon JP being online on Monday morning so I decided to give him my new number, and maybe catch up with him.

 JP is one of my closest, quirkiest, wittiest friends I have. I met him through a party last 2009 and we have been in touch ever since.


I recently heard he was dating another guy after his break-up from JB.

"JP, I didn't know who H was!" I typed in a typical excited tone.


"Have I met him?"

"I seriously don't know you were already dating someone!"

My messages were in quick succession. 


"G, H was the one who was in front of the car when we went home in Paranaque!"

Oh damn! Seriously? I was that drunk to not have recognized the guy? Next time G, know your limits.

Anyway, we were still chatting and like all volley of conversations, he chanced upon me and my idea of an open relationship.

"Is it you or him that wanted one?"

"I actually proposed that but he made it clear how he just wants us to be us."
 
"G, are you his first?" JP asked.


"Yes and he's my nth time." I replied.

"I see. Maybe that is why he doesn't want it to be open."


"You know G, I could never see myself as that person."

"Yeah, I could sense that. Even with you and JB still together." I told him.


"I could never see myself as being in an open one because I just can't seem to think how I would be able to adjust to that set-up. If I have someone, I give him my all. Not a part, the whole of what I can offer."

"Plus...plus there is such complexity of it all and add to that the clarity of expectations."


There, there it is. A phrase I wasn't expecting.

Clarity of expectations.


And you know what, he is absolutely correct. Open relationships must be clearly, rigidly, strictly defined. 

This is one set-up where everything from impossible can be possible. A strings-no strings attachment of dilemma.

And ultimately crack open a once healthy relationship just because.

So just because you get bored with your relationship it does not mean it is meant to be open. Relationships aren't always on a drug-induced, all-time high - it also has its lows.


It's all a matter of how the two can work it out to let the spark keep sparking.

You may get it from other men but that would just be rude. Or just indecent.

"Well anyway JP, I have got to go. Keep me posted and I will see you soon."


And finally I signed out of yahoomail and closed the window.

Personal Philosophy

"You seem to move on real easily, G." JG said in his text message.


"I am that person, someone where moving on is inevitable, a loss is a loss, yes, but that doesn't mean I have to dwell on them." I replied.


"But I seem to sense you move on faster, you let go things too easily."


"Well because I know I need to. Moving on doesn't have to wait long, so should I be."

"It doesn't bother you then?"


"You know I have asked myself that question too many times. It used to bother me, it bothered me a lot. Where the last time I was totally rejected, I cried for a year, I sobbed for nearly a year, and now I am okay."


"Life is like that you know, maturity comes at the worst of times because it has to be that way, you need to learn from it, or else..."


"Or else what?" He inquired.


"Or else you'll be stuck in regression - a time when happy thoughts of you and that someone special used to share will be engraved, and you reminisce that time, and you tell yourself it's over but at the same time you also tell yourself that there may be hope. A conflict arises for the nth time."


"Well JG, I have got to sleep. We will talk soon."


And with that I flipped my phone over and tucked myself to sleep.


They say moving on is hard, and you know what, they are right. No one moves easily from a break-up, let alone a bad one. But one has to. That is how life works.


I used to be this idealistic guy who tells himself every now and then that I am their loss, that they must have been really stupid to let go of me and go off with another man.


But I was just being delusional.


So in increments, in small steps, I am rediscovering who I really am when handling these situations. I have learned to let go faster than I had to because holding on to such memories can just be a wretch. I have learned that at some point in our lives, there was beauty in that feeling of such bliss. I have learned that we need not be okay at first but will need to be, soon.


It always has to be that way.

Of Pegasus and Unicorns

Exes are like mythical creatures.


At some point in our lives we made to believe they were true.

No Thank You, Soju!

I was already feeling very tipsy, wobbling from side to side not even Ms. Supsup can trounce.


Yeah, I had about 10 shots of soju.


That poison of a drink which made me laugh my head off when I see people who had too much of this.


For two years since it was introduced to the group, every party warranted a soju - a bottomless stock of this clear, pure toxin.


And for two years I have made fun of those guys who came, drank, puked, and got wasted after.


I remembered my first time I got wasted from another occasion with the popular Mindoro sling. It was one of the worst feelings one could ever have: the spinning vision, the nauseating state, the shaking knees, the throw-ups. Yeah, disgusting and I never wanted to feel that way again, ever.


But how could I resist such beautifully-carved topless men? Where each serving means another smile from them?


I surely can't. Especially you, you bald guy. Even though you're straight.


Imagine 10 shots. Every invite, I drink.


The most I had was five shots and that was my limit.


By the 6th I was talking very rapidly, the 7th I was walking with a little wobble, by the 8th I was talking mostly without sense and more wobbly, the 9th made me shut up and stay still, by the 10th I  found myself going to a corner and throwing up, which, by the way, was not how I wanted people there to see me.


JB, the send-off party celebrant, already passed out on the corner of a couch and JP told me he will drop DI to his home in Paranaque.


Bingo!


The party was really, really fun and this is coming from a guy who never liked KTVs and sing-along celebrations but this one was very different and festive. But I had to leave.


And so there I was inside the car, holding a plastic bag near my mouth - just in case.


Ugh. Destroyed.

The Set-up

"Text me when you're near." The boy from Grindr texted me.


"I will, just give me a few more minutes. I just need to bookbind something." I quickly replied.


"So, McDonald's Dapitan then?"


"Yeah, it's nearer my dorm than Chowking or Jollibee."


"Okay, will keep you posted once I am finished here."


So there I was, waiting for my paperworks to be bookbinded and then meeting some random stranger just like my G4M days.


Honestly I felt nervous for multiple of reasons.


What if he finds me fat?


What if he thinks I'm effeminate?


What if I am just too short for him?


A myriad of insecurities suddenly rose concealed from the deepest crevice of my mind.


I suddenly snapped from my worries and told myself: "We'll just meet. No biggie."


After I have thanked the man in the shop I went on my way towards McDonald's - the meeting place.


"Hey, I will be there in about 5 minutes." I texted him while brisk walking past students.


Finally I arrived outside the venue, more than my sweat around my forehead, my anxious state.


I decided to go inside since there's free wi-fi plus I wasn't able to eat lunch.


"Caramel sundae please."


I got my order in just a few seconds and sat a few feet away from the entrance. I wanted him to see me instantly.


"Are you eating sundae?" He suddenly texted out of nowhere.


"Yeah, sorry, I wasn't able to eat lunch so I am really, really hungry."


"Don't you wanna come in first?" I added.


"No, I'll just wait for you here outside."


"Okay."


The caramel sundae was finished in an instant and before I grabbed my backpack, I let out a big sigh.


"Hi, Rusel right?" I shook his hand.


"Finally nice meeting you G."


"Likewise."


And from my worries during my G4M days, my mind shifted from how different his picture looked like. Really different. Poser.


It was a brief talk and I even forgot what we talked about.


Then he stopped. We were in Piy Margal.


"Heyyy...my dorm is just around the corner. You wanna hang-out?"


His voice was inviting, tempting.


And I was being invited and tempted.


Before I was able to make a reply I felt my phone vibrate - a text message.


"Hey lovey, I am home already. Text me when you get home. Miss you."


I read the message and looked at the guy in front of me.


"No thanks. I still have a lot to do tonight."


And we parted ways less than 10 minutes after meeting the guy from Grindr.


Maybe this open relationship can wait for now.












Part 2

The Set-up

"I'll tell you something." I told my friend over the phone while I was in Dapitan.


"Go."


"I am..." I paused.


"What?"


"I am meeting a person from Grindr for the first time."


And I let out a laugh.


"Tsk, tsk, G. Does your boyfriend know?"


"No."


"Why not?"


"Well...I don't think he needs to, after all, we will just meet, it's not as if we'll hook-up."


"But your boyfriend deserves to know."


At the back of my mind I felt he was right.


"Well, G?" He asked me after a few seconds.


"I will, when the time is right."


"Why don't you just tell him to be open?" He quickly added.


"Now is the best time, no, make that a few minutes after you've met the guy!"


We both laughed.


Ah, how many times have I pondered to have an open relationship. A most suiting set-up for those who want other options.


How many times have I asked myself this question, if it is really for me, if it is really for us.


But he made it clear - he wants exclusivity.


But I want it...somehow.








Part 1

Concluding The Drama

You see D, even I got tired of my own drama.


And coming from such a drama king like me which I truly must confess, is as much overrated a person can get.


We cannot be friends, never be, and that is just something you and I and all the people who know us two should know.


You are a great person, an excellent friend but that's it - to them.


The times we have shared those were wonderful, the best I had and I know I can never replace them with anyone but you.


But you have to understand that avoiding you is the only rational move I can do. That the reason I chose to close my door on you is not because I hate you. Maybe at first but not now.


I remembered last time you asked if we are okay, I told you we will never be okay. Nearly a couple of years later that answer is still much of a fact.


I don't want us to be friends because I know myself, I am a stubborn, bull-headed, little brat, I will fall for you and that would not be fair. 


That is why I have asked the greatest favor I have asked from you and that is between you and me only.


I honestly hope you will keep your promise, D.


Because you know who you are in my life - my hang-up.

Remnants

And let me remember you of how we were and not how we are.

The Flirting Game

I thought I had graduated from this phase, apparently I haven't.


There I was inside the MRT minding my own business, just listening to random songs in the playlist, and knowing it would just be a very average day for me. I wasn't even able to fix myself for crying out loud - with hair in distress, a zit as large as a moon crater, and a slightly crumpled polo shirt. I looked more like I had been harassed even before stepping inside the office premises.


But he was still stealing glances.


And of course I try to smile very faintly, ever so cautious.


He rode the train in Guadalupe. The first time I laid my eyes on him I told myself: "wow, he's cute" and resumed my listening.


But the longer I see him standing in front of me with his chinky eyes, fair-toned skin, and face that just seems very um, pleasing, the more I got engrossed in him.


At first, I tried to distract myself by looking at all the possible areas around the MRT but I can't. I really did try.


I caught him stealing glances again and this time the smile on his face prolonged for a little longer than expected.


So I try to reciprocate with a very weak smile. I can't go all the way. He might think I'm easy to get.


But what made me all jittery was when he was touching my hand with his hand along the vertical handle bar. 


You see I have rare experiences like this in public places more so in cramped and compressed public vehicles so you can just imagine the exhilaration I felt when he was slightly touching my hand.


He was still smiling and I actually felt awkward and wanting to burst out laughing. But I kept my composure and just played along with it.


He was still lightly touching my hand while smiling unknowingly to the general public while stealing glances and I was doing the same. Call it reciprocity in its most discreet sense.


I thought it would last long, the flirting, the fun, the excitement. But alas, Cubao station came and well, it ended with the closing of the door. Him walking outside while I was still inside, trying to catch a glimpse of him amidst the people rushing to go down.

A Frisky Business

"S is going out with another friend." My friend K told me over the phone one night.

"OMG! Are you serious?" I surprisingly asked him out of the blue.

"Yes." He replied.

"So that's why when I asked A how they were he just told me they stopped all forms of communication. Interesting."


"I can't believe S! From A to another friend of yours." I was bewildered by K's opening statement.


"Well G, you know how it is, he'll pass through most of my friends before we leave him in the wild - for others to hunt."


We hysterically laughed over the phone.


"And what about you, G? You can't seem all baffled by this. Weren't you part of this once?"


And then he suddenly caught me off guard.


I wasn't able to say anything to him for a few seconds.


Contemplating.


Recollecting.


Confirming.


"Why yes K, I was part of this grand business!" I laughed from my memoirs of last year's unexpected trysts.


"So don't OMG, OMG me when in fact, you started it before S." K laughed wildly over the phone.


And so from C to M to F to A, all of K's friends, I have been part of a conniving brotherhood. The one where they caught me at my most vulnerable wanting-others-to-touch-me moment.


But those, those were never bad things at all.

Intentions

Stay for the oddest, strangest, and most far-fetched of reasons - but never out of pity.

Another Shade of Light

Jonalyn woke up from her deep slumber. Her hair was wet with raindrops from their dilapidated roof. She cautiously looked around the area, her siblings were still asleep, succumbed by the coldness of the weather yet only their bodies in fetal position giving them warmth.


She rose with a slow pace not to disturb the peace surrounding their wooden home and carefully went to the kitchen area where she blindly searched for something edible to eat. Nothing.


She placed her modified black garbage bag ala raincoat and placed it on her thin and frail body. She decided to buy pan de sal at a nearby bakery.


The air was chilly and the drops were heavy but she shrugged the two aside thinking that her siblings would be darn hungry by the time they wake up, after all, they can't afford dinner anymore. Jonalyn braved the murky water and the floating specimens around their neighborhood. It was really a common thing in sight and did not bother her anymore.


A few minutes later she arrived at her destination, the neighborhood's sole bakery whose choices include a variety of bread with different colors and forms but of same tastes, a peso for each. She bent and looked hungrily into the glass case with eyes of starvation and greed. She wanted to buy all of them! Each and everyone of those pieces of bread! She would buy them and give them all to her siblings and maybe, if there would be left, she can get one or two pieces to gnaw on to last her for the rest of the day. Only if her money would suffice.


Alas, she snapped out of her daydream and slowly counted her money, their family's money. Twenty pesos. Enough to buy 20 pieces of bread for breakfast but not enough for the whole day. She looked at the pieces of wet coins like a mother to a child, she held it tightly and asked the baker for 15 pieces of pan de sal and 5 pieces of Spanish breads for variety. She heaved a sigh of relief. At least they'll be full for the morning. For lunch would be a problem not for the next six hours or so.


The baker gladly gave her the red transparent plastic where the warm breads were encased and moisting from inside. Jonalyn looked at the breads with delight but she also looked at the coins where she has no choice but to hand them over to the baker. She took the plastic and slid it under her modified raincoat and went on her way home. She clutched the plastic with her life. She was a little anxious for it might slip under her hands.


Once again she braved the murky water and the floating clutter around their neighborhood. The rain has not stopped but dwindled a little. She hurriedly walked a bit faster hoping that she could prepare them their breakfast before they all wake up. The plopping of her torn slippers across the neighborhood was increasing and she decided to make a final dash. She was still clutching the plastic which houses their only means of survival for the day.


Finally, she was able to return to their house safe and sound albeit wet. She carefully took off her raincoat and tiptoed her way across her siblings and turned on the oil lamp placed at the middle of their table. She got four saucers and placed them symmetrically across the table. She always liked it neat and in place. She also placed the plastic of bread not too close to the lamp but enough for it to be slightly warmed.


One by one she tapped her siblings' shoulders and whispered to their ears that it was time to wake up and nearly time for school. The children yawned and rubbed their eyes with their little hands and looked around as if searching for something. They all started to get up slowly from their blackened and torn mattresses and headed to the dining area. Jonalyn finally opened the plastic of bread, the precious pieces source of life, and carefully placed five pieces to four of her siblings, four pan de sals and a piece of Spanish bread. The youngest looked at her with worry. She looked back at her sister and smiled. She smiled in an "I will be fine" way. But still the youngest sister lifted her saucer and slowly handed it to her sister while chewing a minute piece. Jonalyn smiled again and she took the saucer from her sister and returned it back in front of her sister. She looked again at her sister who was still looking a little worried for she knew they weren't able to eat dinner but now is breakfast time, yet her sister refuses to eat. Jonalyn looked away across the dining table and outside their dilapidated wooden house. She walked away from them, walked towards the kitchen, got a kettle, and turned on the faucet.   She will prepare for school too just like her siblings who are all still in their primary education.


She is Jonalyn, 12 years of age, barely out of elementary, head of the family, and a garbage collector together with her siblings.

Crowns and Trophies

A little drama can be helpful.


















Too much is just nuisance.
















Capisce?

Go-To-Guys

He is always there for you.


He always misses you dearly.


He texts you more often than you text him.


He wants to hug and kiss you all the time.


He makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over.


He makes you feel special.


He makes you feel that you are his world.


He is nearly perfect.


Except that - you can't fall in love with him and vice-versa.


Such is the fate of a go-to-guy. Even if he is the most charming, amiable, witty, most friendly, and good-looking guy that you have met.


He will always be a comfort person, convenient to put it in layman's perspective.


We all have one, or rather, had been one.


There is just something dynamic about the set-up, at the other end you feel you're just using him but at the same time you know he enjoys your company. Compensated.


Sometimes people can't help it, we just want someone, nothing long-term, not too much attachment, nor too much drama.


Go-to-guys are different from flings because flings, as most of us know, do not last more than a month, two weeks the most.


A go-to-guy is someone who you just want to hang-around, sleep with, wake up with an embrace, dress up for work, and go on with your life - simple.


But of course sooner or later it won't work any more. Temporary problem begets temporary solution.


And finally when everything crumbles you tell him, gtg.


Or he tells you that first - simple.

Finale

For our stories are the only ones that we have at the end of the day...

The Need to be Wanted

Don't we all have this longing? That somehow after the club lights fade, the check-in time ran out, the lights in the movie house ended, and the facility personnel closes the comfort room there would be someone waiting for us, wanting to be there, simply just be there, for a conversation.


That after all the rigorous gym activities, a stressful day at work, and a more stressful commuting time, there would be someone for us, smiling affectionately, wanting to hold our tired hands.


For years people like us have wondered and wandered what it truly means to be accepted not by the heterosexual community but of the homosexual one.


Aren't you the least bit curious what makes us why we just cannot seem to be fulfilled?


But what is even more of interest is just how much a person can truly endure or partake in order to be accepted.


Doesn't fulfillment and acceptance root from oneself primarily?


Dating back my yesteryears of me being obese, man, that was how I realized how the world can get so harsh and frankly I felt very um, unloved. But that is now in the past and I may not forget them nor is it easy to learn from them but moving on is what I can only do. And that is what I did. I started to lose weight, exercise, eat the right type of foods, did everything to be in tip-top shape but here is the thing, I still felt dissatisfied, like there was still something lacking, and that was when I had a huge realization.


I realized how lonely we can get and how life can be an oxymoron.


I realized how we as gay people can get so too critical, disoriented and confused, overlapping principles of contradiction.


I realized how sadness can overwhelm one and in turn, one seeks to be happy...in a different, erotic type of way.


That is the reason for Grindr, that notorious application. I was not merely using it as a tool for my worldly obsessions, rather, I was seeking answers by mere observation. I was trying to deduce assumptions. I wanted to know more about these men who are logged-in: topless, headless, nearly nude, smiling, smirking, aloof, buff, skinny, bears, dads, of different faces in different places all for the single objective. And I was able to produce a proposition, a hypothetical one.


Sex because it provides temporary intimacy, a thirst, a gripping hunger, a fleeting sentience.


But this is just my mere observation and perhaps also my two cents on those seeking for something long-lasting in that application that everyone is just raving about only a third distance from Facebook and Twitter.


You won't.


For that was never meant to be an avenue for relationships, well, maybe for text relationships but really, nothing deeper than that.


Well then that answered my question. Hence my Grindr is still there yet is still inactive just from the start.


"Well baby, you know what they say, the prettier you are, the more issues you have." As I frankly told my friend over the phone.

Verdict

Because honesty, trust, and loyalty will always be arbitrary.

Puppetry

"You have condoms?" He asked our friend who was having a spiked pineapple drink.


He disappeared for a while and appeared a few seconds after, holding the drink on his right and a small packet on the left. He gave the small packet to the guy and went to the kitchen, while dancing.


He tore it with craving eyes while I was still pinned down under his body. He set it aside and came near my face.


"Kiss me." He ordered again.


I looked away on his face. "I can't. I just can't." I regrettably told him.


"Sorry, I really am. But you know I had a crush on you ever since we met." He told me while he cupped my face and directed it towards his face. He looked at me with shame.


Boys and their words, their flattering words.


I looked into his eyes and felt guilty. I gave him a smack.


But he couldn't take the smack as an answer.


He licked my upper lip, ensuring that he gets all the area covered with his tongue. He continued to the lower lip doing the same thing.


I slowly started to open my mouth and tried to lift my body a little while I was slowly starting to open my mouth to give him a kiss but he pinned me down and his tongue went inside my half-opened mouth.


My body arched a little. I could feel electricity running all over. And everyone knows electricity causes heat.


He literally placed his body on top of me and got the torn packet near the headboard of the bed.


"What?" I was startled. "I thought this was not part of the plan? I told you I'm not up for it."


He went deaf. He started placing the condom. I was under his body. I was in a bit of panic.


This guy, he doesn't give up. I thought to myself.


He started to position me, lifting my legs, but I refuse. I refuse the idea.


"Please." He looked at me again.


"I will tell your boyfriend." I threatened him.


"We are open."


I knew that. Damn. Useless rebuttal.


He started to lift again my legs, slowly, surely.


I closed my eyes as he did his.


"Moan for me." He commanded one last time.


And so I did while a club song was playing in the background.


That bad girl power I got, I'll abuse it tonight
'Cause tonight got poison on my mind
That power I got, you'll be mine when I strive, feel alive
Got poison on my mind.










Part 2