Children of the Future

I'm an only son from a brood of three.

I'm sandwiched by two girls, the older which is a year ahead of my birth date. And a younger sister which is seven years my junior.

I'm not the only gay in our family.

All three of us are.

Dysfunctional or Unique?

You decide because if I would be asked, it would definitely be dysfunctional.

I'm still trying to grasp the realization that maybe because we didn't have quite a normal childhood, it turned out to be chaotic.

Our family is near shambles and I can still say that it still is.

My mom wants us to be together as a family but we don't like our dad so much that being disgusted by his mere presence is a vague understatement. We understand her for the fact that she can't leave my dad but she can't see that we already are a broken family.

Sure, we still live together, heck, we still live under my dad's roof. But that doesn't change the fact that we're in good terms, well, civilly, my siblings are but not me. I haven't talked to him for more than a year and counting.

Am I feeling bad about the situation?

Nope. Not at all, I've become immune to him.

Does that make me a bad son? Or maybe the worst son?

Well, yeah, but I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to say anything to him that may make things worse that is why I chose to keep mum and silent. Relatives and friends are telling me that he's still my dad and that he deserves some respect and that I owe him my life for bringing me to this world.

Yes, I do understand that and I thank my mom's egg and my dad's sperm. Period.

Am I ever gonna forgive him?

I'm actually not thinking about that one. He already did what he already did. The actions were executed, the words were already extricated, the feelings already alienated. I took enough hurt and pain so I chose to be done with it.

When I turn 35 I promised myself that I want to have kids, a boy and a girl, twins would be better!

Why? Asked an inquisitive friend of mine.

So that I can provide to them the best that I can with whatever they need, not when I was still growing up where we took in a lot of hardships and difficulties that made us stronger, yes, but also made us more stubborn to other people's opinions and feelings.

Why do you need to have kids?

So that I can right the wrong..

Why do you need to have kids in order to right the wrong?

Hmmm...that made me pause for a long time and I really, literally, tried my best to provide a rational and logical answer for my friend. I looked at the whole coffee shop area, looked up to the setting sun and dimming sky, I also looked at all of the corner of my peripheral vision to get some little inspiration to have a valid answer, I closed my eyes to think of reasons, sufficient enough not to bug me with another rhetoric question.

Alas, I wasn't able to provide him one.

It just shows how sporadic I can be and how immature I still am.

I know I have a valid reason other than continuing the lineage of my clan but I'm still figuring that out.

And boy am I having the most difficult time!

I know I wanna have kids, they will be my sense of pride and joy and fulfillment and bliss.

But maybe by 35 my ideas will change.