Obsession

Ten percent body fat percentage - this is my goal until April of 2015.

Recently, Fitness First came to our office to look for eligible members to join their gym. I had no plans of joining Fitness because their rates are expensive, but I did try their machine where it indicated your BMI, fat %, muscle mass %, basal metabolic rate, and metabolic age.

I was never so conscious of those numbers aside from the BMI and BMR. It was something I felt very trivial and insignificant, but lo and behold, when the lady handed me the paper and told me that I have to increase my muscle mass percentage, I was quite surprised.

What's more surprising is that I have never paid attention to body fat percentages ever. Ever. And when the results came out of 17% BF percentage, I immediately looked at the web to check what those numbers stood for.

Apparently 17% is an average number and one where a person's muscles are already on their way but not yet showing much. I calculated my years weightlifting and got frustrated just because I have been going to the gym for nearly 6 years and yet still no signs of an 8-pack even a 6-pack.

I got so frustrated that I did more research and checked the differences in body fat percentages.

And so here I am obsessing on slimming and leaning down more. I can't help it. It's in my nature to obsess over these things. Even if I do try to distract myself, and believe me I have done ways to distract myself, it's mostly ineffective.

So for now I am in a very strict regimen of once a week cheat days with a couple of days of one-meal-per-day of a cup of rice, aside from the fact that I have started transitioning to semi-vegan (cow's milk still in the diet but no eggs).

It's working. It's still an adjustment phase for me but so far so good. I'm hoping to lean down to 10% body fat percentage with an increase in muscle mass by April.

I can do this.

I need to do this.

28 And Counting

"One year older and none the wiser." I posted on Facebook last week.

Ah yes, it just seems yesterday that I had been 27. Now I am 28.

The big 2-8. Gosh, I can't believe I'm that old already. When I started blogging and hanging out with other bloggers I was rather young at that time. Been blogging for six years and counting.

I feel so old. Ugh.

Being 28 puts me into another perspective of my life, primarily my life goals.

I remembered when K and I were having dinner. He was asking me why I'm studying again. I told him I want to know more and I really want to go into the academe. He told me outright how non-lucrative that is. I quite agree. But I feel teaching is my calling. And so here I am completing post-graduate studies.

Although at times I feel I should be doing something else, investing something else. People nowadays are into investments and variable insurances. I have yet to establish that having just began investing last February. It's better to have started now than not start at all, as people say.

So, 28. Hmmm...Really, I cannot define what I am feeling right now nor what I should be feeling right now. I seem okay with my age, yet feel I am not okay with where I am with my age.

I feel like starting a business yet think that I need to finish studies first then business after.

I feel like purchasing a real estate before inflation hits again, yet cannot get out of studies because I really want to go into the academe badly.

Intersections are part of living. Every step you take will take you to a branching road often with streets, roads, and avenues to take.

I'm 28 and I know I feel 28, although metabolically I'm 22.

Yet maturity wise? I feel 18 years old.

What's next for me then?

Well, perhaps by 29 I shall know.

Venti Soy, No Whip, Extra Foam, White Chocolate Mocha

There I was at the coffee shop again sipping my drink while doing paperworks for school.

I glance every now and then at the crowd around me. No one interesting.

My eyes returned to the cup of coffee I am indulging and then back to the laptop on the table. Waiting for me to tap it. Make love with it again. Paperworks.

I flicked through my laptop on the e-book's next page and wrote down on my 2012 planner. My mind still cannot comprehend much when I cannot write notes down. It's still something I am difficulty adjusting to.

I cupped the coffee again and took a quick sip. I opened my phone's data and tethered it to my laptop.

Opened Facebook, GMail, LinkedIn, GSMArena, PhoneArena, Pocket-lint, Pocketnow, Yugatech, Medscape, NCBI, and another Google tab (as if I don't have a lot going on).

The coffee grew colder and the time advanced. I became unaware. Engulfed in reviews. Engulfed in news feeds.

I arrived at the coffee shop early morning and yet it's nearly lunch and I haven't finished much.

"Oh well, that will have to wait." I muttered to myself as I become entranced in the latest gadget reviews.

I swiped my laptop's screen and go back to the e-book. Again, I hold my planner which serves as my notebook and write again.

A few minutes passed and my hand started to get sore again. Writing for long periods of time makes my hand go sore. I have not seen an orthopedic doctor nor a neurologist.

"Immunology, B-cells, T-cells, CD4 count, macrophages, neutrophils, basophils, eosinophils" - I write down everything but comprehend almost nothing. I write down notes but do not understand them completely.

The sun was setting, there was still much more to do, but I was not able to finish what my purpose was when I entered the coffee shop.

I felt bored and uneasy. I cupped my coffee which was nearly empty and glanced around at the people again. It's a noisy place and yet I still have the patience to stay there and do what I have to do.

I closed the e-book, closed the browser, turned the data and tether off of my phone, packed my bag, and decided to go home.

And I just spent 200 pesos on a Sunday.

In Debt

"I saw M while I went to the US," K started to narrate. "He really changed. A lot. His shorts were skimpy, he had a tight-fitting shirt, and his car was very unlike him."

We laughed as we were having dinner at Greenbelt. He was with his friend Michelle too.

It has been months since I saw K let alone talk with him on a personal level.

"M was very accommodating," He went on. "He wouldn't even let me spend a dime."

I had a flashback on how K used to describe M. It was as if I had known M for some time now, but I haven't really met him nor what his personality was when they were together.

"He would pick me up and we would go places. I tell you G, he would accommodate me where I need to go."

"That's good to know K." I replied to his narration.

"There was one night when we checked in this hotel and I can still feel some awkwardness between us. We were together in one bed while two of his friends were on the other. It was really physically awkward."

"Didn't you even snuggle with each other?" I curiously asked.

"No, G. There was not really anything other than us sleeping on one bed." K told me.

"I see."

"But you know what G?" K turned and looked at me.

"What?"

"I know M is forever indebted to me."

Flashbacks regurgitated. And I felt a pang of guilt.

I knew what he meant. I knew what he told.

I was M.

I was that guy who did foolishly to end a relationship. I was the guy who was committed who would sleep with others just because of libido, just because of the need to be desired, just because of the need of the flesh.

I was the M in the relationship. I always were.

And yet these guys I had been committed with, they were truly honest and faithful.

But I screwed up. I admit.

Michelle and I were all ears to K when out of the blue Michelle asked, "Are you indebted to someone, K?"

"No Michelle. I don't think so."

"I am and I don't think I ever will be able to repay them." I told myself while I finished the apple crumble I was dabbling with my fork.




"Necessity is to learn from the past."

Done

That's it. I'm done. Finished.

I told myself yesterday while I was walking towards campus for class. For the past several weeks I had been trying too hard for people to notice me.

Why do I want to be noticed?

Honestly I just want the attention? I don't even know why I need it but it seemed like I just wanted to have attention.

I have been trying hard to increase my weightlifting as well as running just for people to notice me. No one did.

I am not even sure where this post is going, but one thing is for sure, I am over trying to vie for attention.

It had been a difficult time for me.

Perhaps I just needed a cute guy to notice me at school? At work? At the gym? At the LRT and MRT?

Who knows?

I remember when I used to go to clubs earlier, I won't leave the club without guys getting my number. Yes I am bragging right now but let me finish.

So there I was minding my own business inside the club and just having a great time. Guys would just come up to me and ask me for my number. I was never the one to initiate. Never the one to ask first. I was THAT guy.

And then recently I went to the club, it has not changed much, perhaps the people were different but the vibe and aura were still the same.

Yet the more I observed the more I saw how the landscape changed.

Or did it?

Or was it me that changed?

That the boy who used to get boys without even trying was not being noticed anymore.

I never felt so isolated in my life.

And with the rise of the sun, I left.

I am done trying too hard.





"So change is good for all the good reasons, and bad for all others."

Ideals

"We are so in love with the concept of love."

Adios Mi Gato, Te Queremos

Chloe came into our lives December of 2007. She was a pure-bred Persian cat: furry, whitish complexion, aloof, clean, and pretty. She was given to us by a friend of my sister's girlfriend. At that time Chloe needed a home as the owner will be working in the Middle East. Struck by my compassion for animals and my love for cats, we took her in.

She came into our house in a green cage. She looked confused initially that for the first few days, even after letting the cage be opened for 24 hours, she still refused to go out. Oh heck, we tried all sorts of things to have her go out! We tried bribing her food and milk and all other sort of things just to get her leave her cage, but nothing worked. After a few days she slowly crept outside. It was a giant leap for her, to say the least.

She was obviously spoiled as she was our only pet at that time. My ate and I had a hard time feeding her as she refused to eat dried cat food we initially offered her and then we tried giving her cat food in cans, which, she also refused after a few days of eating that type. My ate tried giving her cat food in pouches. That, that she loved. I hated her for spoiling her with that expensive food.

'More than the apple of our eyes'. That's what I always say when I refer to Chloe. She was already more than 7 years old at that time but she was still a baby for us. The bunso. My mother who did not want anything to do with pets initially, took a liking to her. She even had the idea of brushing her fur everyday and Chloe would be sitting beside her on the couch when she watches television. Chloe was a very likable feline. She was never fierce. There was one time she bit me but thank goodness she just had a rabies shot.

She got impregnated in the middle of 2008. We had her stud by a Persian cat as well. The day that she was supposed to give birth, I had just gone home from work - groggy and sleepy - and my mother was panicking because one of the kittens was already dangling out. But Chloe was already old at that time and her power to expel her babies are out of the question. We immediately placed her in the cage and rushed off to the nearest veterinary clinic. Unfortunately, two out of four kittens died (the first and the last). We named the first Ashy because of its color and the fourth one, Heaven. The middle two, we named them Missy (I gave that name) and Kenji (my ate gave that name because she thought it was a male).

They grew up to be two large cats. Larger than their mother! We were so delighted to have them in the house but they were playful. Too playful enough for Kenji to be taken cared off by the family of my ate's girlfriend. Missy and Chloe stayed with us.

Earlier this year, I felt a lump in one of Chloe's breasts. I texted my ate immediately but we did not checked with the vet as I thought it would go away. Then, one day I smelled something strange in her, a fishy smell which is very unique. I immediately checked the lump and saw that it had ruptured. We brought Chloe to the vet and told us it was a mammary tumor.

Gosh! A mammary tumor! Even cats can have that? I was alarmed. Was it benign or malignant? Do we have to resort to chemotherapy or surgery or alternative treatments? The vet told us that animal mammary tumors are all malignant and that even though they can excise it, it would grow to another part of her body. The vet told us since Chloe was already old, the best management is supportive, meaning, we have to clean the wound everyday only and if ever that she cannot walk anymore, then that would be the time we would bring her for surgery.

I always thought Chloe would be with us always. One of the reasons I couldn't emancipate yet is because I love my cats and I cannot take care of them if I'm living by myself renting space. I always thought Chloe would see me graduate from my Master's and I would get her and leave Missy at home with my mom and younger sister.

Last Saturday, after two weeks of delay of having her check-up, my sister rushed her to the clinic. She was confined just like when she was confined because they did a cesarean section when she gave birth. I thought to myself, 'She would survive just like the last time because she's my pet. And a strong one at that.'

I was supposed to visit Chloe on Sunday morning after getting a haircut. I would bring her her favorite cat food, which I totally hate because of its price. She would eat it and we would go home the next day, Monday. Everything will be back to normal.

After jogging early morning, my sister, instead of saying 'hello', told me that Chloe had expired. Chloe, our beautiful, spoiled, and treasured Chloe died without us at her side. It was heart-wrenching and there really are no words on how I felt at that time.

We had already anticipated that she would die soon but it really is true when they tell you, 'You can never prepare for someone's death. Even when you're ready, you're still not.'

Farewell Chloe, my Chloe, our Chloe, the Chloe we have loved unconditionally.

Thank you for the love...

Diary of a Boy - Entry 3

And so it had began. I was seeing Louie every other week while me and Beans would go out the weekend I wouldn't see Louie. I was very careful because Louie lives near Araneta and so does Beans too. So I had to be very cautious.

I was on that deadly cycle again. Louie is a very wonderful person. Believe me, he is everything you could wish for as a partner, but he is very boring. And what I needed was some excitement in my life.

Beans was the excitement of my life, then. He was a fling. Someone I would see even prohibited. Like an illicit drug or something like that. Louie was my partner but Beans was my boytoy.

I do not know if Louie expected a thing or two but I kept it very secretly. Me and Louie would exchange sweet messages and so with Beans and I. He was like a substance I would abuse and Louie would be my bitter pill, an antidote, that I had to swallow.

It wasn't that I do not love Louie. I do. But I'm a fickle-minded gay guy who felt unattractive with no boy to flirt around with.

It feels different with your partner.

Isn't it?

And I will not point fingers because I know people who are like me.

With Beans I felt like I was a young adult again - single, strapless, full of youth virility. Meanwhile with Louie I was a faithful partner, a husband, a loving boyfriend, and attached.

December came, Beans and I would be meeting on a particular weekend, plus Louie and I would be meeting a few hours after that. The complexity just kept piling up. But I chose this. But I don't know what to do?

So I needed a plan...

Waiver

If ignorance is bliss then innocence is Nirvana.

Diary of a Boy - Entry 2

"Hi Beans, how are you doing?" I continued.

"I am doing okay, G. I am glad. :)" He replied.

"Why are you glad if I may ask?"

"Because you texted me."

"Of course I would. Why wouldn't I? ;)"

"Well, I thought you were really aloof in the club. I thought you wouldn't even talk to me."

"Haha. Sorry. I am just like that inside clubs. I don't really smile much. But I am really friendly. I swear!"

"Were you alone that time?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I like to be alone when I go out. It gives me a sense of isolation." "How about you? Were you alone that time?" I added.

"I was with my friends. I belong to a clan."

"I see."

"Do you have one?"

"None."

"Why not?"

"Well to tell you the truth Beans, I see clans as a waste of time. Boys who have nothing productive to do than have eyeballs, meet new people, and taste each other."

"That's not all true but I do hope we could be friends, G."

"I don't see why not Beans."

Beans was still in College then. He was taking the same course as I took up. He is an intelligent boy with the looks to boot too. After our meeting in the club, it was not until eight months later that I would be meeting him again...even when I was already committed with someone.



I still cannot believe I committed again. It was such a long time since I said 'yes'. I can still remember my last ex who'll be leaving for Abu Dhabi soon...

I can still remember the last night we slept together in his place. My back against his back. I was sobbing. I tried not to but the tears just flowed from my eyes. I'm a cry baby and I admit that.

"Am I not worth it?" I asked him while my tears were slowly sliding from my cheeks to his pillow.

"You have to understand, it's not that I don't love you, I do, but I have to do this for me and for my family."

And then he left a few weeks after. My heart was still aching but perhaps that was for the best.

We left our conversation there. No goodbyes. No waving at the airport. Nothing.

And so I committed with Louie after being single for nearly two years. Me. In love. Again.

Diary of a Boy - Entry 1

Teddy and Karlos

I was 21 then: ambitious, assertive, sociable, and committed. I had just committed to a guy I have been conversing with in PR (formerly G4M) for about three or four months. The date is now vague as it had been years ago. We were a typical couple then. He doesn't have good looks but he is charming and a personality anyone would appreciate. He was 24 working for a BPO then at a mall in Taguig. He was as tall as me (or as short as me), skinny and fair-skinned. He is a geek. He loves National Geographic and even has a subscription to National Geographic. He collects them with much gusto, so it's no surprise that he likes general knowledge.

I, on the other hand, isn't very charming nor have an outstanding personality but somehow we clicked.

I can still remember the days when we used to go to various malls to stroll. You name a mall and we might have been there. We have this habit of strolling aimlessly looking for anything we could find, although, it was really more of spending time with each other since we both still live with family members: him with his sisters and I with my parents and siblings.

Our favorite restaurant was North Park which was still located outside Glorietta 2 before it moved now to Glorietta 5. I always order the Three Kinds of Mushroom with herbed noodles while he orders anything under the sun. Mind you, he wasn't spontaneous or anything. He was just experimental when it comes to food. We have also tried North Park in Market Market and in Trinoma.

He would always be in his jovial self which made me fall in love more. Even after his grueling work, he always brings his A-game. That's what I loved about him. That's what me appreciate him.



Months before...

I was dancing inside a club in Malate. I was alone. I always had been when I go to clubs especially when I'm single. It makes me look more, shall we say, single. Anyway, I was dancing all by my lonesome when a cute guy approached me and gave me his number - on a sheet of tissue.

"That was a first," I thought to myself as he left and let me proceed to my having fun.

Feeling confident, I texted him when I got home. After all, who am I to diss a cute guy like him? He was tall, lean, tisoy and a smile that could kill.

"Hey, my name is G, I'm the one you gave your number inside the bar. And you are?"

"My name is Beans."

Wisp

Memories can haunt you.

Or hurt you.

Or make you feel weak.

Or dismantle you altogether...

Or you can learn from them slowly and build from there, again.

Labels

From the Songkran Festival

Are you a top?

Bottom?

Versa?

Bisexual?

Manly?

Discreet?

Effeminate?

Chub chaser?

Bear?

Stocky?

Lean?

Athletic?

Muscular?

Gay?

Straight Tripper?

M2M virgin?

F*cker?

S*cker?

Gay for pay?

Astig?

In a Relationship?

In an Open Relationship?

Single? By chance or choice?

Looking?

Complicated? Because you chose to do so?

Openly dating?

Exclusively dating?

Exclusively f*cking?

We hate them labels yet we create new ones when we can.

Scrambled Thoughts

I look around our house on a Tuesday night. Skipped work.

'Sometimes I feel my imagination and reality overlaps too much that I am having difficulty what to believe anymore.'

"Is the world different? Or is it me who's different?" I silently asked myself.

After a few moments of reflection: "No, it's the world that is different, perhaps too different to comprehend."

I sip my coffee. Currently, I mix coffee with soymilk. It provides me with my needed caffeine boost as well as my protein consumption.

I place the mug on the wooden table.

There seems to be no purpose of this post. But I start typing nevertheless.

Slowly and quietly the lateness of the night is being coated with the break of dawn. Crickets and lizards stopped making noises only they can understand.

A tricycle hovers outside looking for passengers.

"Tough luck," I smirked.

I really hate being unproductive. The semestral break did just that.

Now my thoughts linger profusely. Continuously.

I hate it.

I'd like to try parkour. It seems exhilarating and exciting. Dangerous but it could be worth a try.

Every now and then I wish my thought organization would mature. It seems to regress every now and then. I could be systematic the other minute and explosive on the next.

Like I said, I hate being unproductive.

Finally, I sip my last concoction and breathed deeply.

The world may be different, but I am too. I realized.

Of A Certain Uncertainty

"James, are you and your partner still together?"

I immediately sent a Facebook message even though it was 1AM in the morning.

And even though the text might be blunt, I did not care. All I know is that my friend has to know the truth.

"Yes. We are still together." James finally replied around 5 in the morning. "Why?" He asked.

"He's going to meet someone on Sunday." I told him.

"How'd you know, G?"

"He's my officemate."

"Oh..." James was still composing his thoughts. "Well that figures because we only see each other on Saturdays." He added.

"But we can't jump into conclusions yet, okay? Let me do more research. The guy might be a poser for all we know. All I know right now is that his WeChat name is ***."

But I know James was feeling uneasy already.

"So let me check with my officemate where he is located and finally his number, just so I can confirm. But I will have to update you about Friday night."

"Okay, G."

"No problem."

"And G?"

"Yes James?"

"Thanks."

"What for?"

"For telling me this..."

"No problem James. :)"

"This will be your birthday gift to me."

"James, I don't want my gift for you to be like this."

"It's okay, G, at least the deceit is gone."

And right then and there, I know how James must have been feeling: in confusion.

"Hey Paul, is it okay if I obtain his number?" I messaged him through Viber when I got home.

"Sure thing but he has not given it to me yet." Paul said. "Update you later."

"Thanks."



Friday night.

I approached Paul in their Production Area even though he was busy with work. "This is it." I told myself.

"Were you able to get his number?" I tapped Paul on his shoulder.

"Yes, but I will give it to you shortly as my phone is in my locker."

"Okay. Thanks."

I waited in the pantry because I know he will be having lunch soon. And I was right, he came in with his phone. Paul gave it to me.

And now all I need to do is send it to James and fit the missing piece of the puzzle.

"Hey James, you're probably sleeping as of this time. Anyway, here is his number: 09***"

Sent.

"Yup. That's his alright."

James finally messaged me again about 5 in the morning.

"I am sorry, James."

"No, it's okay G. I figured something was weird when we stopped seeing each other since our last monthly anniversary." James was starting to narrate of the events that led to this:

Prior to that, they barely saw each other and the partner was always telling him that he has to go somewhere. James understood because he knows his partner, if his partner goes out, he usually posts it through Facebook but lately, there has been no posts.

"And you didn't question that, James?"

"No. Because he always tells me where and I just have to respect that. I believed in him."




"There will never be an appropriate response for uncertainty." - Anonymous


They broke up Saturday night.

Part 3

Of A Certain Uncertainty

My eyes widened.

And handed Paul his phone back.

"I know him." I calmly told him.

"What?" He asked.

"I know him. He's my friend's partner."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"How can you be sure?"

"I can show you my friend's Facebook pictures."

"Are they still together?"

"I will ask." I was pressured

Although I may be wrong.

He might be a poser or the real thing.

Anyway, I got my phone and searched for my friend. I looked for his albums. I looked through the pictures in the albums just to show Paul the proof that they are together.

And finally I was able to find one, where they posed for a picture inside the church. They were sitting on the wooden bench, James and his partner were smiling. James' smile was like he was in bliss.

I showed Paul their picture.

He just smiled at the picture. I know what that means. He's still gonna pursue his plans for Sunday.

I had to act fast.

And so, I sent a text to James that instant.



Part 2

Of A Certain Uncertainty

James and I met through Grindr. He is a kind-hearted man with a very good disposition too. He laughs a lot, even at my superficial jokes. He is very friendly as well. We did not have a hard time getting along with each other. He's one of the nicest people I know.

But he's jaded when it comes to love.

He told me that while we were hanging outside a Starbucks store in Paranaque. And while I was curious to ponder and probe, I respected his decision not to open it up.

A few months later I see him in Facebook. Oh that wonderful world of Facebook where you see your friends and their activities! And I see his photos always with a smile, a genuine blooming smile.

James was in love. And there it is, after years of searching, he finally met his man, the prince in his shining armor. And almost instantly I see pictures of them together: get-together reunions, friends reunions and even weddings.

Weddings. Where a man and woman unite to become one. Where people flock around the altar to respect the sanctity of everlasting commitment.

When you bring your partner to a wedding whether it be a friend's or a relative's wedding, I see it as coming to terms with yourself: your sexuality, your preference, your life moving forward, your life with the man whom you went with.

I could not believe it! The man who told me he was jaded, awfully jaded, was finally in the arms of someone he loves dearly.

I looked at their pictures, James was so happy. They were happy. And I, too, felt genuinely happy for them plus a deeper respect for James.




Thursday night in the office.

"G, I'm going to show you a guy who has been going to my place recently." Paul, my gay friend told me while they were having lunch at the pantry.

I felt his excitement. He was exuding arrogance at that time.

Paul is a recent PR and Grindr fan. When you have unli-data on your phone, you're bound to be connected...always.

"Go!" I told my officemate.

He showed me a guy, a really cute guy with an average body but with a killer smile.

"He's cute!" I blurted out.

"I knoooow!" He proudly boasted. "And the best part is that he went to my place twice. And with lights turned on!" He joked.

We laughed instantly.

"But I have to show you someone else, the one I'll be meeting on Sunday." He boastfully told me.

Paul opened his WeChat and showed me the picture.

He handed me his phone.

I looked at the picture.

I know the guy.



Part 1

Myth Busters

Because some people really have no idea what they're talking about...

1. You're gay therefore you like to dress as a woman.
No, it's not like that. Some do and that is what they want. Times have changed. We have nothing against the cross-dressers. They are just expressing themselves, but we have our own expression, our own style. Believe it or not, gay men actually dress more stylish than straight.

2. I'm a straight man and you're gay. You wanna have sex with me.
Are you kidding? With the abundance of gay men swimming around, we might as well stick to them.

Puh-lease. Not because you're straight and we want to be friends with you mean we wanna sleep with you.

P.S. Gays nowadays are hot. As in H-O-T!

3. You're in a relationship? Are you the man or the woman?
There are some instances where two guys have different roles in the relationship: one is more accustomed towards female duties while the other is towards the male, but nothing, and I mean nothing, like a man or a woman per se at all. We're equals.

4. Gay guys are really promiscuous.
Excuse me. Men, in general, are promiscuous, not just gay guys. Get your facts straight. Pun intended.

5. Gays pay guys for relationship.
One of the most irritable stereotyping ever. You know, it's true that some gay guys pay men for them to be their partner and we can't blame them. That's their thing. But times have changed, not because you're in a relationship with another man does not mean you want to get his money through his pants or something like that.

While I Run

When I'm angry, I run longer. I have noticed that when I was first rejected by a guy.

I care not to stop. I care not to halt. I care not even though it was getting dark.

Running has always been an outlet for me. A ventilation of some sort. It is an activity where I let all my frustrations go and just get it out of my system. It might be tiring but the wind against your body is exhilarating. The chilliness of the weather would not stop me nor the heat of the sun. It is one of those weekly activities I look forward to especially if work-school-gym had been stressful in that particular week.

I run on weekends. If I haven't mentioned that yet. I run in Manila Memorial Park which is actually in front of our subdivision. Sometimes I run inside BF Homes, threading along huge houses and huge trees along Phase 3. But I run more at the former than the latter. I used to run in Bonifacio Global City, where my office was formerly located. I like running in new places. I like the new views and the new scenery. Sometimes, when I run on a different place, I do not think of the distance nor the quality of my run, I just want to experience the new surrounding.

I sing when I run. I don't care if people see me as crazy or not. I like to sing when I'm alone and when I run, I'm alone. I sing at the top of my lungs or snap my fingers to the beat. I used to raise my hands up and do a fist pump but I figured that was even awkward.

Alone time. Personal space. That's what I think of when I exercise. It's a form to be alone. And you know it helps me a lot. Frankly, I don't like jogging buddies. I hate the idea of having to run the same pace and to wait for your buddy. My pace, my time, my rules.

Goals. I think of my goals when I run may it be short, medium or long-term ones. Like what I have said, running provides me a time to be by myself and I take it as a luxury.

I have never joined a Fun Run. I think they're overrated and over-hyped. There was a time when my partner invited me last October to run at Nike's Duo Run on December which is a 10K run. I kindly declined. I told him P1800 for a run that short is not worth it. I run longer than 10K on a weekly basis. I'd rather save that amount for apparel or shoes. And then out-of-the-blue my officemates last December invited me for that 16K run in Cavitex under 7'11". I accepted their challenge. I told my partner about it, only to cause a huge argument about me saying 'yes'. And when my officemate already had me registered and told me to pay the P800 to a nearby 7'11 store, I declined as well. I figured P800 could be my allowance for a week.

I don't have to prove myself to people. I think people do those 21K or 30K or 42K runs to prove themselves. To test how far they could endure. That they are strong. I know I am stronger than before. I don't need those to tell me how strong I am.

When I'm angry, I run longer. And I don't plan to stop anytime soon.

Types of Gym Guys

But there is much, much more.

11. Brandissimos. These are guys who sport the newest Nike dunks, the latest Clima Cools, and the flashiest New Balance. You can see them roaming around the gym yet lifting so little.

But of course who would want to ruin their new apparel with sweat, right?

12. Buddy-buddy System. The guys who cannot even step near the gym without their gym buddies. They rely on their workout partner in order for them to get motivated. According to Men's Health, having a buddy contract with someone is very useful and can have a long-lasting impact on healthy lifestyle.

But using a gym buddy to make an excuse not to workout because the other is unavailable is just plain pathetic.

13. Janitors. Guys who return the weights just because others are lazy to return them anymore. Me as a perfect example.

14. Unli Guys. Lift. Text. Lift. Text. Lift. Text. Drink water. Text. Text. Text. Lift. Home.

15. Tiger Prawns. These are the guys with bodies of steel and abs popping from their midsection. They are the epitome of great physique - lean and all. They look great from every angle...from neck down, that is.

Paper bag please!

16. Mad Dashers. Lift, lift, lift. Scattered gym equipment. Home.

Note: They barely stay there for an hour. 30 minutes max.

17. Wolves. Guys who like to huff and puff in the gym, feeling oh-so-cool and suave, humbugs in other words. You will either love them or hate them.

18. Towel Boys. These are specific guys who specifically leave their specific towels on specific equipment therefore specifically making you ask them permission every time to use that specific equipment and specifically irritating some people. Specifically me.

19. The Gym Almanacs. Know-it-all guys who most of the time finds a subject to criticize with their form, breathing, lifting techniques, etc. You name it, they got it. They know it all, supposedly...

20. And finally, the Hunger Gays. You know who they are. They are everywhere whether it is a small-time gym or those gym that you see in malls. Guys hungry for, well, guys. Only gym guys, nonetheless.

You see him staring at you through the mirror while he's pumping his biceps.

Will it be a no or a go?




Part 2

Black Widower

Woe are the boys who get tangled in your web.

Whilst Awake

My childhood memories littered all over the floor. Photographs of me scattered: smiling, winking, dancing, standing up to walk. The room was a mess. I was trying to find something, rather, myself.

Growing up shielded and protected made me what I am. Afraid.

Afraid of so many things, of so many situations. Afraid to lose, to regret, to be rejected, to not be recognized, to be alone.

And I have known and accepted that fact.

Sometimes when I'm all alone, my mind wanders through questions I ask myself over and over. Like a broken recorder. I know the answers yet refuse to acknowledge them.

I am afraid, too, of commitments. And that is why I think my relationships don't last. I always tell people I don't count my past anymore. Flashbacks can be telling to recall.

But why?

Weakness of the heart, the will. The push needed. I lack that.

Yes, yes I really do.

Drama in relationships, I mostly quit after that. I don't like dramas. I don't like to cry anymore. Tears of blood had been shed. Soul withers.

And finally, I picked the childhood photographs on the floor, kept them sealed and looked at myself in the mirror...

"Will I ever get stronger?" I asked the person in front of the mirror.

"Cowards die many times before their deaths." - William Shakespeare

Pump-up Songs

Here's a list of the songs I typically listen to when I exercise.

10) Just One Last Time by David Guetta - this luscious techno music is pure adrenaline rush. I see to it that I get to play it in my ipod or even in my sports headset. When you get to the chorus, you just want to make a sprint and feel the tension of the music.

"Even though it hurts I can't slow down
Walls are closing in and I hit the ground
Whispers of tomorrow echo in my mind
Just one last time."

9) Finally Found You by Enrique Iglesias - I have a craving for pop music ever since the Spice Girls came out and this is no exception. Enrique has proven himself worthy of being listened to not just in the airwaves but also in clubs, especially his songs with remixes. Although some of his songs imply affairs. Oh well.

8) Don't You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia - the song that made me download their whole album. Don't You Worry Child has been an absolute favorite of mine ever since I was able to know the title.

"See heaven's got a place for you."

7) Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall by Swedish House Mafia - now you guys might know that Coldplay is actually the one who brought to life this song but the SHM's version sounds more for clubs, and predominantly, more to my liking. Great song. I don't get much of its meaning but I tried so hard just to know this song that I don't care what it means!

6) Wake Me Up by Avicii - I love this song because of its beat and, well, I can relate to its lyrics. Like I told you before some techno or trance or house songs may have blurred meanings but this one is one of those exceptions.

"So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
Didn't know I was lost."

5) Boomerang by Akon - this song is so good I can't stop listening to it. Heard it from a gym mate and had trouble finding it in torrent. Search engines gone whack, I guess. But finally when I was able to download it, I listened to it every freaking day. Swear.

4) The Spark by Afrojack - first time I watched this song in MTV I knew I had to get it. Very feel good music. Danceable too. Afrojack, as I recall has a song in Dance Dance Revolution. I am just not sure if it's the same artist.

3) If I Lose Myself by Tiesto and One Republic - one of the newest songs I am currently hooked up with. Actually I just realized how good this song is when I was running in BGC. Knowing Tiesto, his songs are mostly non-lyrical. Good to know he is changing his music a bit and collaborating with different artists.

2) Patron Tequila by Paradiso Girls - of course I would include this! This is the sh*t. Awesome beat and lyrics.

"Who wanna get drunk?"

1) Teenage Dream by Katy Perry - now I know most of you have moved on from this song as this is so 2010 but let me tell you that this remains to be my favorite. There is just something so magical about those lyrics. I don't know but who cares!

There you have it, my top 10 tracks. The tracks I have listened to over and over again and there's no sign of me stopping from listening to them.

What's yours?

I would love to know your suggestions so I can update my playlist too.

Before and After

Circa June 2013

Circa November 2013

New Year Thoughts

"The world is monotonous, men learn nothing, and, with every generation, they fall into the same errors and nightmares, events are not repeated but they resemble one another...novelties end, surprises, revelations." - Giovanni Papini, Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco