Explaining The Self
To Tolerate means to endure. To Understand means to grasp the concept.
I thought I have come to terms with what I am, with who I am, with how I am. You know that feeling of a certain freedom, independence with a bit of restriction.
Or so I thought.
Looking back, whenever a family member tries to uncover my homosexual side, I still get hurt. A lot. And that idea is still floating in my head.
Have I really accepted myself? Or have I been tolerating myself all along?
These two questions keep resurfacing every now and then. I guess because it's a hanging question. Or a rhetorical one that I, myself, have to figure out.
With gay friends, I let myself all out. I forget all inhibitions. Heck, when we volunteered at a Red Cross Branch during the storm Ketsana, we let our personalities flutter although a lot of people whether homosexual or heterosexual are present. It's as if we were the only ones helping there. We didn't give a damn if people laugh at us or ridicule us. We were laughing our assess off because we felt comfortable. I felt comfortable. They felt comfortable.
But if my cousins or aunts and uncles ask me questions like who am I dating now or how is my girlfriend doing? I break a sweat similar to having an indigestion. You see what happens when they ask stuff like those? That's how I am in terms of my sexuality to my family. A simple white lie would suffice but then again, who am I kidding? Who am I joking? Who am I playing a prank on? Myself.
I see that we still have a lot to do in order to be at terms with defining who we are as different. It's a struggle but not a war. Society, when it comes to homosexuality is still enduring the idea, tolerance. It will take a while before it will be completely embraced, understood. I hope I'm still alive by that time.
To Tolerate takes a lot of effort.
To Understand takes in a lot more although when you look at it, once you understand, then the effort won't all be in vain.
You open your eyes and mind to a lot of possibilities. You lessen ideas of hindrance, preconceptions, discriminations, and forms of oppression.
I don't blame society because I can't fight them. That's how I see it. And it's not even surrendering but keeping silent is the more politically correct term. And to be quite fair, their tolerance mean that they are also mum about the whole concept. But it's a cycle. Every now and then they tolerate something that they know and something that they could see.
I can not completely place this concept on grasp because I haven't been in terms with myself yet, but one thing is for certain, I'm tolerating myself for the sake of.
I thought I have come to terms with what I am, with who I am, with how I am. You know that feeling of a certain freedom, independence with a bit of restriction.
Or so I thought.
Looking back, whenever a family member tries to uncover my homosexual side, I still get hurt. A lot. And that idea is still floating in my head.
Have I really accepted myself? Or have I been tolerating myself all along?
These two questions keep resurfacing every now and then. I guess because it's a hanging question. Or a rhetorical one that I, myself, have to figure out.
With gay friends, I let myself all out. I forget all inhibitions. Heck, when we volunteered at a Red Cross Branch during the storm Ketsana, we let our personalities flutter although a lot of people whether homosexual or heterosexual are present. It's as if we were the only ones helping there. We didn't give a damn if people laugh at us or ridicule us. We were laughing our assess off because we felt comfortable. I felt comfortable. They felt comfortable.
But if my cousins or aunts and uncles ask me questions like who am I dating now or how is my girlfriend doing? I break a sweat similar to having an indigestion. You see what happens when they ask stuff like those? That's how I am in terms of my sexuality to my family. A simple white lie would suffice but then again, who am I kidding? Who am I joking? Who am I playing a prank on? Myself.
I see that we still have a lot to do in order to be at terms with defining who we are as different. It's a struggle but not a war. Society, when it comes to homosexuality is still enduring the idea, tolerance. It will take a while before it will be completely embraced, understood. I hope I'm still alive by that time.
To Tolerate takes a lot of effort.
To Understand takes in a lot more although when you look at it, once you understand, then the effort won't all be in vain.
You open your eyes and mind to a lot of possibilities. You lessen ideas of hindrance, preconceptions, discriminations, and forms of oppression.
I don't blame society because I can't fight them. That's how I see it. And it's not even surrendering but keeping silent is the more politically correct term. And to be quite fair, their tolerance mean that they are also mum about the whole concept. But it's a cycle. Every now and then they tolerate something that they know and something that they could see.
I can not completely place this concept on grasp because I haven't been in terms with myself yet, but one thing is for certain, I'm tolerating myself for the sake of.
"Have I really accepted myself? Or have I been tolerating myself all along?...Who am I kidding? Who am I joking? Who am I playing a prank on?"
ReplyDeletei ask the same questions over and over again. i say, its really tough to be gay.
this entry = tagos sa heart.
im tolerating myself for the sake of -------> me too
ReplyDelete*arkin - it hits me every time I think about the questions you pasted. And it's not even you trying to complicate things, it's you trying to solve things, really.
ReplyDelete*imsonotconio - can't we just live life as it is???
please know this, we come out continuously, not in a single episode, but in an almost unending series (like Friends). i hope you don't pressure yourself too much that everything should just fall into place. it took me at least nine years to come out to friends and family. and until now, a lot of my childhood friends still dont know my sexual/gender identity because there's still no opportunity to come out to them. suffice to say, though it takes time, it is totally worth it because i am finally at a place in time where i accept myself and my friends and family accept me. - eon (http://daredevilry.wordpress.com)
ReplyDeleteOf course you do know we all have different lives that we are traversing.
ReplyDeleteIn due time, everything will fall into the right place/s
A little pressure sometimes but overall, life is still good.
THANKS. :)
I think we define part of ourselves with people that we care about. I think its not the acceptance of ourselves that we need but rather the acceptance of these people. But what do I know? I'm more messed up than you are. My friend told me "No, you're not gay. You're my friend Jaytee." after coming out to him. After realizing what he meant, I knew I could never loose him as a friend.
ReplyDeleteDude, you're not messed up, just discovering who you are. That's fine, I know you will be. Take your time, no pressure.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I really think it depends on the person. The raising question here is: Is social acceptance more important than Personal acceptance?
And my answer is: I don't know yet. :)