The Main External Stressor

For the longest time I thought everything would be fine, like it's natural, that even though we don't talk about my sexuality I know there's a deep understanding between me and my Mom.

Even though a bit on the prejudiced side, I can't blame her and I know where she's coming from. Having one kid who is gay can be really difficult to accept more so all three kids.

I don't know how she got to accept my Older sister because I thought she was strong enough to handle stressful situations like these. My older sister came out at a young age of 15 when Mom learned that she's dating a friend who she constantly introduces to us as her best friend. Only when Mom snooped in her mobile phone and her closet that she realized that the best friend is actually a girlfriend. I think it took a lot of her strength and optimism away knowing that her eldest daughter is a full-fledged lesbian and not the pink type, she's the butch type ever since. Hard as it may seem for my Mom, for my Dad, for us, there's nothing we can do. It's her life, it's her worth, it's her decisions, it's her.

Sometimes out of the blue when she's infuriated at my Older sister she would blurt out: tomboy! And of course my Older sister would get defensive and would eventually trudge her way upstairs, slam the door and cry. This is the reality that we have been accustomed to since she came out and their relationship has been very civil from then on.

The Youngest sister although she never dreamed of wearing blouses or dresses or skirts or girly accessories, Mom would still dress her like a doll even if she cried, bawled, or wailed in vain. Her frustration with my Older sister was displaced to my Younger sister and for the longest time, we thought that she would grow to be straight girl although not in a conventional way.

She had a boyfriend once when she was a Frosh high school which actually surprised us! Her boyfriend was a Frosh in College which surprised us even more. My Mom didn't stop nor hindered them from having a commitment, after all, it was just puppy love, which we all had been through once or maybe twice. Later during that same year, my Younger sister and her boyfriend broke up because the guy is moving from Manila to a province. I don't know the whole gist of how the story goes but my sister was in shambles for quite some time.

Then, a new neighbor came into the light, a girl which I could say is not ugly nor fugly nor puke-able but average (this is according to my standards). They were initially introduced by the uncle of the new neighbor and from there on their friendship bloomed. My younger sister would always hang-out at their home and would be staying there for most of the afternoon till perhaps, dinner time. My Mom, ever suspicious as she is, wondered why she is staying so long in the house of her new found friend. And, as a response, my Younger sister would tell her that they're just hanging-out, having fun and bonding.

One day, again, my Mom snooped now in my Younger sister's phone and lo and behold! She cried instantaneously after reading what she saw in the phone. We immediately went to the scene and tried our best to pacify the situation. I, on the other hand, was confused that time. I didn't know how to react or what to say because I can feel my Mom's pain yet feel the emotion of my Younger sister. I was in a crossroad of some sort but I had to do what I had to do, to stop my Mom from physically hurting my Younger sister at that war-like moment.

Re: It was a mushy text from her friend to my sister that made Mom furious. 

That was traumatizing for all of us and our family was never the same again. Mom, if aggravated or just felt like being angry for some reason would spontaneously shout to my sisters: tomboy. And I, the middle man, would stop them, talk to them and tell them the overview of the situation.

Re: I wouldn't want to be branded the way my sisters were because as you all know, it can be heart-wrenching when it comes to family or more particularly if it came from family. It's different if it came from friends or the like who are just pulling your leg. 

Like what I had been telling people and had been blogging before, I was out in a sense that I don't tell them what I am, instead, I let them be the judge of my actions. Implied.

And I know, or so I thought, I know my Mom would be fine with this because I had been always her favorite (fine, fine, I'm a Mommy's boy!). Little by little she would ask questions that might progress to her discovery of my genuine sexuality although she had been in denial for the longest time for the reason stated above. Ladlad Book 2, OUT Magazines and an Icon Magazine featuring Andrew Wolff were the mainstay in my closet. I know she looks at them when she tidies up the room so I was already in the assumption that, maybe, my Mom is gonna be fine with her three kids being different, sexually different.

Then page after page of my life, chapter after chapter, she was uncovering me from a supposed invisible shell. One that would protect me from her discriminations and random outbursts of irrationality driven by frustration. But man, I was so wrong to the point that one of the main reasons why I just want to seclude myself and emancipate from our home is because of her and her way of thinking when it comes to gays.

And recently, I had a phone, a clamshell one. It's an old model and I know it will wear out soon, sooner than expected because I was accidentally dropping it from time to time. After a few drops I noticed that the external screen was not displaying the usual time when you close it and I didn't do anything. Next, I noticed that it shuts down when I'm typing a text message or just plain opening and closing the phone and still, I didn't do anything. I was very confident that it will live until I save enough money to buy a brand new spanking phone. Next thing I knew when I flip it open, the screen goes black and I had to restart it over and over again just to make it work but the worse thing is that when I get a chance to see the normal screen then it hangs. I was getting too frustrated up to the point that I nearly held it too tight in my hand and ready to flung it to a pavement or to our floor but since I don't want to be such a bad ass, raging, hot-headed bull that I normally am, then I just told my Mom I want a new phone. I was giving hints and actually telling her and even showing her the problems I'm encountering with my phone and she nodded that she will purchase a phone, a simple phone just to replace the broken one.

I was glad and I appreciated her for that but lately, she was postponing the purchase which made me anxious and disappointed because having no communication to the social network I am in plus our slow and difficult to work with broadband connection made me anticipate for an epic fail of requesting one.

Last Friday, my Mom told me we will buy the phone by Saturday morning and we really have to buy the phone that day because I will be going out by the evening with my friends and acquaintances. I organized this bonding ergo, I should be the one making all the necessary arrangements with all of them.

Unfortunately, there's a huge problem because my family will be going to a reunion and they might not be back by dinner time or later so that really hit my nerves in a very, very, very wrong way. I am the type of person who is not so good with too much frustrations and stresses. That I have to humbly admit. Good thing my Younger sister didn't also join the reunion so we were stuck together at home and by the afternoon I asked if I could insert my sim in her phone just for five minutes just to text my significant exclusively dating other and also to make a hint to my Mom.

To my significant exclusively dating other: I miss you very much!!! :)

To my Mom: Mom, please buy me a phone before you get home. I want a 6300! Please! Thanks!

After that I didn't bother waiting for a reply. I simply switched my sister's phone off , then got my sim card and returned the phone.

Later that night, with a lot of luck and prayers I was able to turn on the broken phone for a mere three minutes. I wasn't expecting any extraordinary message that time but one message really placed me to a boiling point level.

Son, I will buy you a new phone, just make yourself a man.

Sender: Mom