My First FB Encounter

Early 2009. A newly introduced acquaintance was being so persistent that he got me pissed off.

Duy: Come on, it's just for one night, come with me.

Me: Where will we go?

Duy: It's a place near our home, we'll stay there and talk.

Me: Duy, I have been in this market for quite some time, I know the in and out of this plus the loopholes and ribbon knots. Don't pull my leg.

Duy: I'm not, I swear we'll just have decent talk, you can sleep there and then go to work after.

Me: Hahaha! Dude, my home is just two rides away from the office, why the hell will I bother to go somewhere with you?

Duy: Come on, it's just a simple favor. I miss you.

Me: Hmmm...I'll think about it.

Duy: When will I know your answer?

Me: Soon.

After a few days he texted me again.

Duy: Hey, I haven't heard from you. I still don't know your answer.

Me: Sorry, just got quite busy with work and all. How are you doing?

Duy: I'm good, still looking for work.

Me: Good to know that. How is V doing??

Duy: He's busy with work also. So, what will be your answer?

Me: I don't think I could, I don't have time to sleep over. Why not we just go to your house?

Duy: There is always someone at our home. And I mean always.

Me: Come on, you said we'll just be talking, then why can't we talk at your place?

Duy: It would be more private at this place I'm telling you about.

Me: Does it have an air-con?

Duy: Yes.

Me: How about a TV with cable channels?

Duy: Yes.

Me: Does it have a fan?

Duy: Yes.

Me: Do you pay it per hour accumulated?

Duy: Uh, kinda, yeah.

Me: Not interested.

Duy: Oh come on! What have you got to lose anyway?

Me: A lot. And besides, you have a girlfriend. Shouldn't she be the one hanging-out with you?

Duy: She's busy looking for work also. Please, just this one time, let's talk at this place.

Me: Haha! Duy, you're making me laugh. Really now.

Duy: I promise we won't do anything.

Me: Said it like a pro. :)

Duy: What do you mean? I'm not like them.

Me: Yeah, right. I'll say it when I believe it.

Duy: Don't you trust me?

Me: I barely know you, we just connected through V because V and I have been friends since way back '07.

Duy: Ask V anything, he knows me, he knows a lot about me.

Me: I don't need to. I can try to know you...

Duy: I'm glad on that answer.

Me: Yeah. Hehe.

Another conversation ended. This guy is more persistent than fungi growing sporadically in my armpits. Week three came...

Duy: Hey, I just want to ask something, I hope you don't mind.

Me: Oh, sure, go ahead, I don't mind.

Duy: Are you sure?

Me: NO, I REALLY DON'T MIND, GO AHEAD.  
(WTF! This guy is getting on my nerves.)

Duy: Do you have an FB?

My eyes widened, my heart rate shot up and my usual perky mood turned dangerously bad.

Me: What?! How can you say such a thing? I never did and will never have a Fuck Buddy! Do you think I look like someone who goes out with people and mates with them? I am neither a rabbit, hamster, dog nor cat. Duy, that is totally offensive and you should have known better!

Duy: I meant Facebook. Do you have a Facebook?

Me: (Chuckles and goes red with shame) Oh, I don't. 

Good thing we were only texting that time. 

An All-out Angst

What the heck is wrong with you?

You think he likes you or even cares for you?

Yeah, right, maybe when you guys were doing it but after that, it's over. Do you hear me? O - V - E - R! 

Come on dude, get real, do you possibly think someone like him will fall for someone like you? Dude, reality check, slap yourself silly if you need to.

You think you can start something with him just because you exchanged salivas, sweat, and seminal fluid? Hahahaha! You definitely are the most pathetic, gullible, weak person I have ever known.

You get so carried away with your emotions as if you haven't learned from the past. What am I gonna do with you to make you see, feel and learn that you are nothing to him, you will never be something to him, stick that in your delusional head of yours!

Dude! You didn't make love! There is no such thing as making love! Try ANAL INTERCOURSE or FUCKING or SEX but MAKING LOVE? You've got to be kidding me.

I don't understand, what have you learned from the past? Nothing? With the hurt, the pain, the sweet talks and sugar-coated words, you still fall in love? You never learn, you never, ever learn.

Let me just say that FALSE HOPE is very different from OPTIMISM. These are two words that are extremely different in meaning, two words from two worlds that can never be merged. I don't need to tell it to you again, I told you once, twice, or maybe even three times but still, you let your emotions carry you away to Neverland. There is no Neverland. Peter Pan will never be with Wendy and vice-versa because they are of two people, two different worlds, two different points of view, two different perspectives.

Why am I doing this to you? Because it's for you, for you to see that the real world is harsh and cruel and it will eat you alive if you continue to pursue your shitty idealism and monogamous talks. That's crap. People don't talk those, they want to talk sex, lust, orgies, hooking-up, bookings, jerking-off, cumming out. It doesn't have anything to do with idealism or monogamy.

And you're telling me that there is monogamy? Really? There is? Show me! Show me now because from the way I see it, there is no evidence! 

Go ahead, tell yourself that, sure, be my guest, convince yourself. Make a mind-set, oh, no worries, I don't have anything to lose anyway but as for you, your sanity is at stake, dude, big time. 

You think sex is sacred and special? Since when? Because there was an attachment of feelings involved? There was none, that is what you call, carried away and you are the greatest example.

Kudos to you, you made yourself look stupid, dumb and idiotic. And you tell yourself you're witty and smart? Tell that to the mirror, no one believes you the gay version of boy who cried wolf.

What's your IQ level? Above Average? Hahahaha! I thought that's a joke, a comedy, a humorous line to make your miserable life feel better. Hmmm...wait, I have to stop myself from laughing, just give me a minute.

Anyway, you dude, are really something, really something, something I wished I had never known, if I had known any better, you might as well confine yourself up in a room painted white and there, there you can concoct, devise, brain-storm anything that you want and wish for. There you will find what you are looking for. 

And when you do find what you're looking for, inform me so that I can bitch slap you again to reality.
Sucks to be you dude, it so sucks to be you. 
 

The Bread Talk

My Achilles Heel ever since I gave up eating rice was bread. I haven't eaten rice for about five to six years already. It's not that I don't want it anymore or something similar to that, it just so happens that I need to give that up in order to cut back on my daily caloric needs. So, lo and behold, the mighty bread comes in as a replacement.

I know, I know, some of you might even chuckle or laugh out loud because breads especially the pastry types are more calorie-laden and calorie-rich that you'd be a fool to substitute it to rice (a cup of rice has 200kcal). Hey, call me a fool then.

It's not as if I didn't try giving -up bread or more particularly the white type of bread which has a lot of carbohydrate content as compared to fiber-rich, whole wheat breads which has lower carbohydrates. I actually did, try my very, very best to cut down my intake of breads. First week was a success! Second week was still OK, munched a bit throughout. But come third week, I was absolutely being such a breadaholic that friends are actually asking if I'm on a bread diet. So much for abstaining.

I consider bread as my obsession. And I don't even mean the Bizu, Le Ceour or the Breadtalk varieties, just plain old bakery bread will do or, I appreciate those bakery breads more than these high-end pastry shops mentioned. Come to think of it, I was never a fan of these high-end pastries mainly because their prices are enough to feed a family for an entire day. Hehe, I'm a self-confessed thrift freak, frugal fart and cheapskate so it comes to no surprise that I don't purchase pastries from those.

My absolute favorite are cakes, they are, the far worst cravings I have. You name it I'll eat it. Becky's has the best, Conti's is second place and Banapple is my third. Cakes have always limped me back to my pre-diet days and with the past holiday season, I ambivalently enjoyed/felt guilty with every indulgent morsel of heaven as it touched my lips and savored all the ingredients slowly melting in my mouth. Delectable to say the least but totally sinful. Oh yeah, I don't recommend that molten cake from CBTL, it's really uninspiring and unappetizing to the tongue. I however recommend the Peach Walnut Torte from Conti's and the Prune Walnut Torte from Becky's. What? You'd think I would say Mango Bravo? Nope. I can make something more delicious than that with just mangoes, graham crackers, condensed milk and cream. Oh geez, my mouth is watering already. :)

I have always been a fan of breads especially bakery breads because I live in a residential area where there are about five or six bakeries within the vicinity, more if I gallivanted farther but still reachable with walking. Convenience is the main reason I just love bakery breads, they're everywhere and you don't even need to look far. Price is the second reason, yes, breads have been shrinking and shrinking from a pan de sal's fist size portion way back my early childhood days to a quarter of a fist with lots of air inside from today's standards, but nonetheless, still pretty edible. Lastly is portion, as we all know, dieting is hard work especially coming from someone who had eating problems before so portion control is what I can do to minimize my intake of food, I think it's a good thing that bakery breads are getting smaller and smaller (???) with the increase of prices of flour. My favorite is Pan de Coco which is bread filled with sweetened grated coconut. I love it when it's slightly warm and soft enough for you to eat it as is. Julie's has the best I have tasted so far.

There have been multiple times that I depended on bread to make me feel happy, or even worthy. Every bite I take is a joy that I could barely comprehend but enjoyed every minute of it. It's like an implied understanding between me, my hypothalamus and my ego. But afterwards, I'd feel guilty, shameful and full of remorse. I go through this cycle every once in a while, it's getting tiring but adjusting is a way of living. 

If only my obsession for breads can emanate to my affection and love for a person...

Nyahahaha! Just kidding. I love bread. 'Nuff said.

A Friendly Reminder

The Department of Health announced today that HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) and AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) are now an EPIDEMIC in the Philippines. Last month, January to be exact, they announced that it is alarmingly increasing but now they already confirmed the status of HIV and AIDS.

This isn't like Tubercolosis, Leptospirosis, Measles or Chicken Pox.

This is truly shuddering. The status Epidemic not only means national outbreak but it can also imply a lot of wrong perceptions from people.

Are we too immoral?

Are we unaware of the fact that AIDS is not cureable yet?

Are we being too ignorant nowadays? Are we tolerating this too much?

Are we gonna believe a religious organization to stop protected sex just because it promotes pre-marital and extra-marital sex according to them?

Are we gonna be brainwashed by their narrow-minded, traditional idealism?

Are we taking sex for granted?

OK, I get it if you really can't help yourself on unprotected sex but please make sure you have a steady partner who you know is also negative.

Having yourself tested will never be a loss and you can never be too sure nowadays. It's OK, it really is for your benefit. Disregard people who have stigma on AIDS testing. Let them be.

As for the others, please, please, please use a freaking condom, flavored or not, dotted or ribbed, just make sure you use them.

Be responsible. It's a must.

Just in case, here's a Mnemonic:

A - Abstinence from sex

B - Be FAITHFUL

C - Consult a Health Specialist

D - Do it Safely

AND remember, once you get it, there is no turning back.

An Expected Interrogation

One fine, sunny and quiet day at the clinic where I'm assigned...

Nurse1: Have you had any girlfriends before?

Me: None yet.

Back of my Mind: Oh, dear.

Nurse1: Why?

Me: (In a satirical and theatrical tone) Because as a volunteer nurse, the world is so difficult to live in, poverty, especially here in the Philippines where the poor gets poorer and the line between the financially disadvantaged and the rich are getting more pronounced and prominent. Fine dining restaurants are getting overrated by the second, the prices are soaring insanely high, while the services are becoming mediocre. That would possibly inflate as we already are experiencing a multitude of problems but not limited to: electricity and water, sugar, corn, meat and meat products. Not to mention the emotional turmoils a woman has to endure and cope not just every month but all of her lifetime. The imbalanced hormones coupled with a personality disorder and a crippling body dysmorphic disorder where calories play a vital role in her everyday scheme of life. Her hormones which will diminish in due time is a scary thought which I have to understand if ever I will be committed. Her angst and mood swings, her thunderclouds above her shoulders are but a few that I would need to understand and make compromise. Her nagging nature, jealousy and fiery attitude can make me sulk and make me feel bad all day. Her girl friends who might judge me as a gigolo and will make my image look half-baked and ridiculous to their eyes. The last thing I need right now is a demanding girlfriend whom she thinks that my life will revolve and evolve around her, I am a free soul, an independent entity, a gypsy, a nomad in the society where I live and breathe for myself, my lonesome self. I am of no dependence to others, I can not be restricted to the commitments of life and its strings and chains.

Nurse1: OK. Are you straight?

Me: Of course. Heller?

End of discussion.

I am so tired of these questions... 

The Date, The Ex and The Renee Salud

I had a wonderful, wonderful night at Greenbelt. I went on a date with my former crush dating way back College frosh. I call him cutie for a very obvious reason. I met up with him at Seattle's. That was the first time I saw him after more than five or six years of not seeing him. How did we re-connect? Friendster silly.

It was nothing short of fantastic. I was apprehensive at first mainly because he's 3 years older plus the fact that he's someone I looked up to because he was an exemplary student during College years.

As I entered the coffee shop there he was wearing a white shirt and pants and just browsing the net via Wi-Fi. The moment I patted his shoulder and smiled at him, I know it'll be a great date.

His knee-shaking smile was all I need to take off my plugs from my ears and start a conversation with him. We were both in an organization used to promote responsible and safe sex especially to teens and adolescents so what better way to begin with is to ask for our co-organization mates. 

"I have no connections with most of them anymore." He told me while making that adorable smile again.. 

"Oh, I see. I thought that you're still connected with some of them." I replied.

"I have connections on two or three people. One of them is your classmate Ish."

"Ish? We used to be close but I find him snoopy and not a good conversationalist."

"What do you mean?" His face turning into a big question mark.

"Ish is someone who likes to ask a lot of questions more so when he learned that I'm gay. I will tell him a lot of my experiences and thoughts about being gay but when I ask him to share his experiences, he just doesn't wanna share. Come on, a conversation is a two way process. You get what I mean." I told him while looking a bit pissed.

"I do. But anyway, do you wanna have dinner?" He asked.

"Yes." I replied. 

First option was to eat at World Chicken in Greenbelt 1 but it was already closed by the time we got there, opted to go to Glorietta 4 at the foodcourt but being the Chinese food lover that I am, I asked if he would be OK with North Park or Luk Yuen.

"Luk Yuen it is then." I gave him a huge smile. One because he really is so darn cute and second, I love Luk Yuen's Jumbo HK Siopao!

We didn't mind the walk from Greenbelt 3 to Glorietta 5, for me, I treasure every moment spent with a date, more particularly with him more so because he's too busy with work and our date was already two weeks postponed. We entered the resto, ordered my Jumbo HK Siopao and he ordered for a Bento meal.

The conversation seemed endless, the night seemed to be so energetic and playful, he seemed to enjoy my company.

"Where do you wanna go next?" He asked after finishing his meal.

At the back of my mind I was thinking of a three hour place we could go to but it's not yet time for that, not yet.

"Is it OK if we go back to Greenbelt, maybe have some coffee?" I inquired.

"Sure." He paid the bill then we walked again towards Greenbelt 3.

He talked about his exes along the way, I know this is a turn-off for some but I just don't want to ruin the night. He meant well. He's being open to me and I appreciate him for that. I wasn't surprised at all because of his narration.

What surprised me was when he talked about his last ex, who, became my ex as well. A grandiose, slightly paranoid, supposedly very secretive guy working in one of the top companies in Makati. Let's call him Rice.

Rice was the choir master of a former choir group I joined during my College life. Very strict and disciplined, someone you know is very rigid and complies to rules and regulations. Or so I thought.

Apparently, according to my date, he is very flirty, really flirty, I swear if I could just describe how he is as a flirt, maybe most of you know him. Anyway, that caught me off guard as we were gallivanting along the streets of Ayala Center. I thought I know Rice, a very quiet and all work no play corporate person. We used to date way back from 2007 till 2008 and although I tried my best to like the guy, he's just not partner material for me. Now I know that he has an alternative life. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in the flesh. Insecure lil' ol' me? Hahaha!

The night was all about Rice, maybe, he's not over him yet, maybe he wants to get back to him or maybe he just wants to tell me things about him because aside from the fact that me and my date were both from the same University, Rice is the common denominator that really connected us. 

Or maybe I'm just thinking too much. :)

We hanged-out at Seattle's but after a couple of hours, decided to go to CBTL to have coffee. It's not because Renee Salud was there near our table or anything.

His charm was something I couldn't have looked forward to but I am so looking forward to his company again. 

The store was nearly closing and my eyes were doing just the same, we have to go home, he has to go to Bulacan and I have to go to Antipolo or San Juan, you know, still the same dilemma.

He accompanied me at the bus stop and waited till I could ride a bus towards Parañaque. 

The night turned into dawn, I got home nearly four o' clock in the morning but I wished it was longer.

He got home earlier than me and went to sleep earlier as well. I hope he dreamt of me. Weh! Mushy! 

And, Mother Renee, you look smashing last night. Just fabulous dah-ling! 

Silly Dilemma

On Sunday the 21st of February my mom wants us to go to Antipolo church for the nth time to attend a mass and perhaps savor my all time favorite roasted cashews and rice cakes sold at almost every corner. I love the Antipolo church, I consider it to be my good luck church mainly because I went there before the board exams and passed it and visited it just once after passing. And also, the church has a different feel and aura to it. Something unexplainable but in a good way.

On Sunday the 21st of February is also the birthday celebration of an acquaintance I have met about a couple of months ago. He dated a good friend of mine but it just didn't work out. And being a good friend, I support my friend if he doesn't want to attend the said event. The celebrant invited me to his birthday and I am thankful for that. I'm also pretty sure that a lot of good-looking guys will be there.

So the million dollar question is, will it be family or flirty  friendly day for Sunday?

What will be my driving force that day, the EGO or SUPEREGO? 

The Final Test

I was breathing heavily upon entering the area, the air is warm and humid which adds up to my nervous state. The sun was scorching hot and the rays are hitting my skin which makes me perspire more than usual. I looked at the time - 2:00 pm. My friend Mr. Gray patted me on the back and asked: "Are you OK?" 

I gave him a resounding "Yes."

I have to be OK. It's not a matter of life and death, it's a matter of dying and death. I've waited long enough to make sure I push through this, thought about this a million times and also branched out questions on possibilities that may arise.  

I felt a surge of chill run down from my spine. Creepy but still, I want to take this, this isn't just for me, it's for the future.

The assistant handed a sheet of paper for me to input my personal information, I duly accomplished it and waited for my turn to see the professor. I cringed the thought of going here, the thought of dragging myself and wasting my time. God! I'm so ambivalent! Or maybe it's the nerves making me nearly shake my knees and shatter me to a million pieces.

The professor from the room gave me an interesting head-to-toe stare as if she was looking for a peculiarity from my physical attributes, looking for an oddness from my posture, looking for something...

She called my name and I gladly obliged to go inside the room, gave me a few pointers, gave me my paper and made me go to a room downstairs.

I can clearly remember the room, it was 104, the dreaded exam room, a lot has failed and cried in this room, I can still hear their echoes, bawling from failure, begging mercifully for a re-test but the proctors here are harsh, quite harsh. A failure is a mortal sin. No re-takes, no re-tests, and absolutely no kneeling for compensation! Try to have more pride! You deserve it you insolent fool, you deserve it!

The proctor saw me from afar and gave me a wide smile. I was thinking that her smile is quite devilish, one that would think otherwise from entering but my guts told me to have more glory. I slowly entered with baby steps just to make sure.

She asked for my paper and I handed it to her without questions, I don't think I want to ask any. She told me to sit still, don't move, she gave me the test. I closed my eyes and let my mind fly.

"You're done!" The proctor told me with that devilish smile again. I gave her a faint smirk to show how civil I can be.

"This will just be fast, you can get the result in about 30 minutes."

Oh gosh! In 30 minutes time I will see the fruits of my labor. It got me giddy but I can still feel some butterflies in my stomach wanting to get out. I forced them to go back inside, not yet, not until I can see with my own two eyes the result of my hardship.

Ding-dong! The professor waited while the assistant handed the result, his facial expression is neutral, nothing at all, no happiness, no sadness, no nothing. That got me quite worried.

The professor looked at the paper intently as if wanting to change the result. 

"Come in, Guyrony." She called me to go into her room again. My heart went to a split second halt then it went thrashing and violently reacting in my chest. It was painful but I had to bear with it. Not until I see the result. I echoed this thought again in my head.

"You passed." She handed me over the paper, gave me a heart-melting smile and thanked me gleefully. Whew, I thought I would never see the light of day again, failing is definitely not an option.

I sat down and let all the butterflies in my stomach fly through mid-air with their colorful wings and sporadic nature, I let out the last one and gave out a deep but relieving sigh. 

I'm Negative. 

The Hallucination of a Frustrated Ledge Dancer

I inched closer and closer to the ledge thinking of nothing but to step on that infamous platform known to Bed goers and club goers from all walks of the pink life. Man, I was getting the hang of it! Not yet on the platform but still very near, as in I can ogle at the people dancing on the ledge and their sweat could literally drop from their bodies to my forehead.

Being a small guy has its disadvantages of being shoved from side to side when waiters are getting stubs from people and handing them their drinks, also, the general crowd is just so in the mood that bumping and pushing each other is normal in the scene. Think MRT during rush hour with disregard to gender and age. What a piss off! I nearly went berserk and gone all gay rage if it weren't for J who tried his best to calm me down. I have to thank him for that next time we meet up.

Back to the body grinds. So there we were just a few more distance and I could feel the music filling me up from head to toe, forcefully gripping my every muscle and bone to move in any direction, it doesn't care, just move darn you, move!

The go-go boys went down and it was time for others to take the limelight, the arena, the stage, the 15 minutes of fame. J grabbed my hand, went ahead and tugged me to the ledge. I grabbed on tight and let my state of mind go wild.

It was awkward yet ecstatic.

Shameful and careless.

Confident and boastful.

Timid yet power hungry.

The experience is just so phenomenal and I can clearly see why a lot would go to that area. Once you step into the ledge, it's as if someone possesses you from within, it gives you confidence and dance the night away...flashing lights and house music really make up the perfect pair of making you feel good. The ledge makes you think that you're a person with a different and very appealing persona, every move, every move makes you go further. Every thump makes your body go bop. I can't help but close my eyes and just think that everyday would be just like this.

Just like this... until someone from below tugged my hand and I started to bend down to the person. 

Bed goer: What's your name?

Me: I'm P.

Bed goer: You go here often?

Me: Not much, what's your name?

Bed goer: Art.

Me: Hey Art nice meeting you, do you go here often?

Bed goer: not much as well. Are you with someone?

Me: Yeah, he just went somewhere.

Bed goer: You dance well.

Me: Oh no, that's just freestyle, epileptic, autistic dancing.

Bed goer: Haha! I see, works for me though.

Me: LOL!

As his grasp loosened, I found myself starting to go back to my previous place. It's not that he's not cute or anything, but I wasn't looking for any hook-ups that time.

Part 2 

I Realized That...

Right now after all the denials and frustrations brought about by loving and being loved, impersonally hurting and being hurt, emoting and being too emotional, forgiving and being forgiven.

I wasn't really into commitments.

I never was.

It was more of being emotionally secure - an attachment of the feelings to others to make me feel that the world, more particularly the society - is a safer place to live in despite of the heinous, idiosyncratic and oxymoron description it currently is.

What do you know, I'm still selfish after all these years of sharing and giving my life, effort and affection to others.

I had commitments but after a while I still date people for the sake of keeping the commitment exciting and non-monotonous. I know, I know, how foolish I must have been to possibly think that someone as insecure as me can have something as sacrilegious and vividly important as a RELATIONSHIP.

I couldn't and I surrender with my arms up in the air as if being held hostage, something that I was framed up for an action I didn't even intend to do.

Or did I?

I want emotional attachment but physical detachment, that's what I realized. The freedom. 
 
Why is everyone so emotional nowadays?

Raging hormones?

Imbalanced neurotransmitters?

Emotional disturbances?

Too much spare time to think of what not?  
 

My Funny Valentine

Yesterday was Valentine's Day or more famously called Single Awareness Day for those who are uhm, single... I don't have a date and was nearly on the verge of going into my room, mope and cry about the injustices of being available. Hahaha! Good thing Mr. Cheter had free tickets to watch a play at PETA. Of course I immediately nodded and gave a GO! signal. Instead of moping on Valentine's Day, why not mope and gloat with a group of friends? It would be much better! :)

The play was astounding, a morally-driven theme towards right to suffrage and doing what is just. It didn't hit me in the heart when it comes to suffrage and voting for the next political leader but doing what you can for the welfare of others did hit me, twice or even maybe thrice but nonetheless the play gave a good impression on me. And so did the main actor JT.

After the play, we decided (actually they decided but I went along) to go to Binoma uh, I mean TriNota err, Trinoma which is good since I'm actually getting tired of going to ATC and Greenbelt for the nth time. We ate at a Chinese resto had a bundle of laughs and went to Max Brenner for some fun due with fondue.

Imagine six guys biting every morsel of either cheese, broas,  apple slice, banana or brownie. Six guys giggling as if there's no tomorrow talking about anything Valentine's Day related or not. Six guys dipping exquisite pieces of happiness into a pool of black and white serenity. Six guys conversing about what reasons we can think of why we're still so available. Except for one who got a bunch of flowers that morning. Nyahaha!

Six guys + Valentine's Day = Singles by Choice  

But nevertheless one of the most enjoyable single's night out on a double's night out ever. 

The Half Sex Sessions

I fondly remembered two of my girl collegemates tackling the words Half Sex. Frankly, that was the first time I've encountered the words: more so the act. I laughed really hard when I heard them say it, imagine, half sex...hmmm...interestingly I joked them about trying this with me (hehe) but they just laughed it off. Oh well.

Can you imagine? Making sex a half one? I can't clearly grasp the idea back then maybe from lack of experience or what not but as I grew older with the notion of being more mature I guess it's possible making sex just a half one.

For the past few days I just realized that, hey, I wasn't able to notice it before but maybe I have experienced this! Sorry, my memory is delicately crippling into a demented state. But, from what I conjured up here's my operational definition of a half sex: it is an act wherein partners have intercourse but one doesn't reach orgasm more specifically the act of ejaculation.

It took me years just to be able to define this. Initially, what came to my mind are those exploring times of mine when guys I've hooked-up with are so hasty to be relieved that they forget their partner. Call it selfishness, egocentricity, afraid of being caught in the act or any irrational reason but it's just a total turn-off. Seriously, sex is sex and just like any guy I enjoy a good one but there is also that thing called compassion and consideration, even if it's just after the consummation of the deed. Sometimes you just can't help but wonder why?

At least I don't do it anymore, the half-sex, all must be in full throttle! Nyahahaha! 


Have you had any half sex before?

The Hallucination of a Frustrated Ledge Dancer

I alighted the FX with much worry and sweat. J was already inside the bar and here I am scurrying my way.

"This is not good. I should have gone sooner. Who would have thought the driver wanted to cram as much passengers as a circus act of putting 20 clowns in a small vehicle? But then again, aren't Filipino public drivers such a nuisance and completely irritating when it comes to passenger-hogging and deviating from traffic rules and regulations?"

I imagined myself as a Century Tuna Superbods contestant in the fun run wherein I had to reach my destination in about 10 minutes sans the topless image and rippling abdominals section.

And with a long round of breath, I jogged.

I jogged past beggars from the side street, avoided backing-up cars, ignored club employees promoting their establishments and swerved now and then from street food vendors and their carts.

After 10 minutes of doing possibly the shortest cardio coupled with a huff and a puff, I entered Bed. The line inside isn't long anymore and from what I can sense, a lot of people are already present checking some prospects, um, I mean dancing to the beat. I texted J where he is specifically and he replied in a jiff with: I'm near the bar area. I slithered my way from the entrance to some dancing people and finally met J. He patted me on the back, hugged and went to dance.

What's great that time is that I was enjoying the music! Something that Bed has failed me a couple of times before, sure I admit that I love house and techno music but Bed sometimes play music that is just so flaccid. 

Anyway, J asked me if I want to dance on the ledge but I gave him a proposition that he should go up first before I would.

I looked at the people on the ledge area, the go-go boys seem to be having a lot of fun shaking their lean bodies and sweating their chiseled forms in front of the pink public. Drooling is an understatement. A lot of guys are actually obsessed in caressing their bodies. Fine, point taken.

We neared the ledge-the notorious ledge-an area of misbehavior and slight promiscuity. Famous for its reputation as an area for ogling and worshipping dancers. The Bermuda Triangle of Bed goers. We danced near, we ignored the masses and danced till our hearts content but it isn't enough, the music is euphoric the beat and groove just gives me the chills of doing something more -  something I thought I wouldn't have done in this lifetime. 

Part 1 

Something to Ponder About

Yesterday is History

Tomorrow is a Mystery

But Today is a Gift, that is Why it is called the Present.

- Oogway, Kung Fu Panda

Do you agree?  

Of Psychos, Retards and Fitting In

The moment I  walked around the Institution, it transported me to a place I have yet to see, something I have yet to explore, something new and unnatural, something I know that will mesmerize me, unfold limitless possibilities, and instill unforgettable experiences.

The first time I made an ocular tour, I was feeling ambivalent. I felt awkward and excited.

Is it from lack of experience? Maybe, but one thing is for sure, I'm in it for the long haul and be my best.

Deformed facial features, toothless grins, frazzled looks, unkempt hair, stain-ridden clothes, unconscious salivation, scabies scattered all over the body, noticeable patches of dead skin cells, weird gestures,very distinguishable odor, and creepy expressions. 

Something definitely outside the norm. Something you don't see everyday. Something  you will regret or accept.

I am here observing their lives, what it's like to be confined in something I'm sure they didn't want to happen, nor did their parents or guardian, but it did, it really did happen.

Abandoned, surrendered, lost and found - these are most of the cases why they are staying there. How it pains me to see that there are a lot of potential for them to live independently given a chance.

How parents can actually abandon someone biologically coming from them is incomprehensible.

How parents surrender a human being just because of incapacitation or fear is unforgivable  

How parents lose their special kids is out of the question. 

The stigma of the society against the mentally-challenged lives on and it is not a pretty sight. 

As I see them watering plants near their cottages, plowing soil for their vegetable project, sweeping dried leaves, feeding themselves even if they are having the most difficult time, folding linen and forgetting to hand them to the helper, interacting with others even if their words are incoherent and non-understandable, and purely trying their best to live life as what a normal person can do. I catch myself thinking that life for them ain't bad after all.

They don't need to experience rush hours.

They don't think on how to feed their overcrowded, extended, indifferent family. 

They don't think of how to go on about with their lives.

They don't need to make tedious and often critical decisions.

They don't think of their sexual preferences.

They don't get nags, shouts and pressures from bosses.

They don't spend on luxury, Iphone is not in their vocabulary.

They don't care if they eat carbs or fried foods all day.

They don't argue with their salary.

They don't envy co-workers for being promoted. 

They don't complain with their lives.

It may be Hell to some, that is factual.

But, it may be Nirvana to them. 

As I peered into their lives, it gave me a lot to be thankful for. And that's why I'm sharing this experience with all of you. Because fitting in and being normal to one's eye will always be subjective. 

Why is being normal crucial anyway? 

Venturing into a Life Purpose

Today marks the first day of my volunteer work at a mentally-challenged institution.

Volunteer work meaning no allowance, no stipend, no incentive, no honorarium, no wage, no financial benefit.

Personally and practicality-wise, I would have declined this offer from the DSWD worker when she told me about the overview of the volunteer program.

I was taken aback, a bit astounded of the contract. With all the recession and the majority of the Filipino population on the poverty line, they could have offered something more

"You get a Certificate of Completion after you finish the allotted 100 hours." said the lady during the day I submitted my requirements to her.

"Huh?"

"What the heck am I gonna do with a Certificate of Completion?"

"It won't even be credited in hospitals!"

"It won't pay for my gym!"

"It won't buy any cat food!"

"It won't allow me to purchase Topman shirts!"

"It won't be able to buy me that dream phone which by the way just got released in the Philippine market!"

"It won't be able to provide me that house and lot I've been dreaming since I started dreaming!" 

"It won't be able to pay for the Monthly Internet fees, how am I gonna blog?"

"It won't allow me to purchase oatmeal, cereals, muesli, pitted dates, raisins, prunes, apricots and dried cranberries!"

"It won't allow me to hang-out, have coffee, go to malls, go to clubs!"

"It won't give me an SSS loan, PhilHealth and Maxicare Benefits, hello, I can die any second?!"

"It won't allow me to go on dates." 

My mind thrashed the idea of volunteering: it gave a great argument, it became bias to its decision, it gave key points of the disadvantages, it provided honest to goodness factors, it presented a spectacular debate.

But, I chose to go on with it. No but's, no if's, no complaints, no negativities, no pessimisms, no arguments.

I'm here for a purpose, to help people, especially the mentally-challenged ones.

Do you know how great it is to feel that you're connecting with them? It's priceless and wisest.

It will provide you better self-awareness and self-analysis. And with all the complexities of life, it's worth it.

Sacrifices have to be made in order to flourish and improve oneself.

I made a big leap already, time for me to take it up a notch and go on with life as what I've been planning ever since.