The Risk of Loving

Is leaving.

Of Dating And Dealing

"I really think we have something." Kane told me over the phone last Saturday.

"But I had been single for so long that it became innate for me to live singly." He continued.

"But," I interjected. "But you know I felt that it made you a better person. It made you stronger, more independent."

"Well yeah that is true."

"I have something to ask, if you don't mind."

"Sure."

"Do you think you want to be committed just because or because you really felt something in him?"

"You know G," Kane spoke softly, "For the longest time I have not been committed and you know that. But with him, I feel I can commit...But..."

"Did I hear a but?" I joked.

We giggled.

"You know me G, I still have boys. I don't know if I can be, uhm, faithful."

"There's the word that I was looking for. You know once you say yes to him there will be no other numbers of boys from Grindr. You have to delete EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM." I half-heartedly emphasized.

"OMG! As in, EVERY. ONE. OF. THEM?"

"Yes. Unfortunately."

We laughed hysterically.

"So take your pick, you always have the option Kane. The upper hand is yours."

"We'll see G. We'll see. Well, I gotta go. We'll be seeing a play by 2. Talk to you soon."

"Have fun and enjoy."

Boys. They are everywhere. You see potential everywhere but most of them are just that, potential. As I walked home from our conversation I looked at my phonebook. I looked at the guys I have saved from Grindr. Each and every one of them, a potential. And sometimes, you can't even figure out who is who anymore. I browsed and I saw Jay, Jayjay, another Jay so I put his pseudonym beside, then Jervy, then John, John T., Jon, Joshua, Julius, James, James Vincent, two Daryls, Dean, Derick, Dan, a Rico, a Ryan, a Ron, Al, Albert, Arturo, also Marc, Mark, Mon.

There are a lot of names but frankly, only one-tenth of them I have met and the rest are just a constant reminder why I am still single.

And when the time comes that I'm ready to love again, these guys, these random and multiple guys will be out of my phonebook for good.

For that is a party boy's vow.

But for now...well...they're good for something.

Grindr 102

1. If you really are interested you will take note of small details in your conversation.

2. Have your location ready so you don't need to tell people every time where you live. Geez.

3. Rule of thumb: Share one photo at a time. Dude, you're not scrapbooking. Don't show him the whole album of your vanity moments.

4. A simple 'Hi' doesn't mean he's sexually interested in you. Get a grip.

5. Guys have this psychological thing going on when he asks for your number and you give it and then immediately gives you his. Don't fall into this. If he asks for your number first then let him make the move through mobile first.

6. Guys that are too demanding on pictures need to be blocked! Hahahaha!

7. Speaking of blocking, it's okay to block guys as I learned from my friend. You know why? In order to search more guys of your liking in your area. Totally cool.

8. Yes you can say what you want to say but please have the decency not to bash others. So what if they are effeminate or chubby? They are still part of the gay spectrum too. You don't need to be rude you know.

9. Believe me, the more guys' numbers you store, the more stressful and forgetful you get.

10. Well don't bash others but it's totally fine to bash posers! Hell yeah! We don't care if you're-too-discreet-for-Grindr-that-you-can't-post-a-genuine-picture-of-you! Then stop using Grindr a**wipe!

Of Truth

Free people don't know the value of freedom, that's the problem. - Balram Halwai, The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga

Three Hours

"I want to help." I told Dean out of the blue.

"I said I want to help you clean out your condo." I repeated.

He looked at me with a little surprise in his eyes.

"When?" I asked.

"Next week? How about Saturday?" He replied.

"Sounds perfect."

And gave him a huge smile.

"What time is it?"

"It's nearly our time G."

But he continued. "After we broke up, we talked inside the car. 'So, somebody will seat on the passenger side other than me.' I gave the whole drama."

"You know what's his reply?"

"What?"

"Everyone needs to move on. I have."

My face turned sad, even lonely. Nobody deserves to hear something like that. Something as cold as that.

I hugged him again.

"I only used you Dean. Didn't you see it before? I was following your tracks because I want to outdo you." The ex told him.

"Three and a half years G. I told him I don't believe him. Not at all."

I tried to scrutinize him. There was denial written all over his face. Perhaps deep inside, there were signs of betrayal. But he was madly in love. He couldn't care less.

I nodded. "Dean, I think we need to prepare."

"Sure. Let me just shower." And gave me a peck on the cheek.

After a few minutes we went out of the room.

"So G, I'll keep you posted. We'll clean the place."

"Sure thing Dean. You know my schedule."

"I do. Thanks." And we hugged.

I waved goodbye as we headed to different directions.

And he stopped communicating since.



Part 3

The FuBu Golden Rule

Know when to keep your distance.

Three Hours

"He was my agent. I was the team lead. I was attracted to him and well, I think the attraction was mutual."

"One time, I was the only one left in our house so I decided to ask him to sleep over. That was May 1st 2009."

My eyes were just glued to his face. You know that moment where a person's story just makes you forget of everything around you? That was that same moment.

"He said 'okay'. I couldn't believe it. I felt happy, very, at that time. I was so happy I doubted his reply. So I asked him: 'Are you sure?'"

"Yes." His ex-boyfriend replied.

"So he went over to my place, and the next day, May 2nd, I asked him if we could be partners. And he said yes."

"I couldn't believe it G. A playboy who turned gay and then venturing into that world, I was happy with him. Truly happy that my life revolved around him. He knows that. I never did anything to ruin our relationship."

His voice turned sour. I expected that. When you give your life to a person and take them for granted, it's something you wouldn't want to experience ever again.

"I bought a condo. It was an investment. I let him live there. We lived there as a couple. He didn't pay a single cent. And the car? I gave that to him. I even bought him a phone on our last month together, an Xperia Arc. That's why I was asking you what your phone is. I know, I shouldn't be telling you these but..."

He stopped for a brief moment and looked somewhere else.

"It's actually been two months since I had been there. I don't know how it looks like anymore."

"How come you haven't been there in such a long time?" I finally asked.

"He bought some of the appliances and furniture there and the mere thought of seeing them takes me back to those times of..."

Dean broke his sentence in mid-air again. I held his left hand. I thought that was the right thing to do.

"That guy. The current boyfriend. I don't blame him but I am pretty sure he knows my ex has a boyfriend. His cellphone's wallpaper is the two of us plus our pictures are all over his cubicle."

He breathed deeply and made a deep sigh.

I held his hand tighter.

"So the guy, where did he find him?" I inquired. There was no subtle way to ask.

"We all work in the same floor. The guy is an agent. My ex, a team lead then. And I am in the Operations."

"Oh..."

"So everyday, I see them together. Like how we used to be. I am okay now G. It used to be very awkward but I am okay now."

But you know what, his expressions tell a different story.



Part 2

Three Hours

"If we get back together, how can you be sure I won't cheat on you again." Dean told me while we were lying down in bed that Saturday night.

He was telling me what his first boyfriend told him. His first and last ex boyfriend, for now.

Dean and I got to know each other through that popular application named Grindr. We decided to meet up about two weeks after communicating.

"We were together for three and a half years. Living together for three and a half years." He told me while I rested my head in his chest.

"I was a playboy. In high school and college, I had girlfriends. I used to play a lot. I even got one girl pregnant and I didn't take the responsibility. I guess it's just karma, G." His voice had a hint of sarcasm.

"I don't think it's karma Dean." I quickly told him.

"It's just so unreal that for your last day together, for the first time in our relationship, he taught me how to drive." He looked into my eyes. I saw them in its most vulnerable state - eyes of pity. I immediately looked away.

"And then he broke up with me the next day." He continued.

I felt his sadness. That pinch of hurt you just couldn't remove easily.

He was cheated. His partner apparently dated another guy on same production floor as his. Dean was in love. He felt they were rumors.

A day after they broke up, he confirmed it through their circle of friends.

They were already two weeks in the relationship.

"So now I understand why you need to leave the company." I told Dean sincerely.

"Yes. I see them everyday, the two of them. It hurts. It's painful G. It really is. To see them like there was nothing left for me. I have to go. I love the company but I have to leave." We shifted positions then and hugged side by side. "My boss tells me I shouldn't leave, I don't have to. They're the ones who stabbed me anyway, but I told her it's not that easy." He continued.

I couldn't utter a single word. I was left speechless by his story. So I let him proceed...




Part 1

Of Endless Strive

"How was gym?" I asked Kane over the phone.

"Good. Happy." He was still quite a bit short of breath.

"Did you just get out of the gym?" I asked.

"Yeah. Walking home now."

"You seem to be very tired from your workout or..." He paused.

"Or...I'm just getting older."

My eyes widened. "NO! Don't you ever, EVER, ever say that word again! That word does not exist in our vocabulary!"

We suddenly laughed hysterically.

After maintaining our composure, I asked him what exercises he does in the gym.

"You see G it's this new workout I have been doing recently. Very tiring." Still snickering.

"What do you do there?"

"Sets of exercises with minimal rest. But the good thing about this is that it saves me time." Explaining while still breathing heavily.  "First set then proceed to the next and then to the next."

"Ah, circuit training, that's what I do too. I do that too because it saves me time and the push it gives me."

"But I feel very pressured G."

"How come?"

"I wasn't like this before. You get me?"

"What do you mean" I asked.

"I didn't want to have bigger biceps or bigger chest before."

"If I may say..." I butted. "You were skinnier when we were at the party in Linden Suites. The first time I met you."

"Yes I was thinner then but I had no definitions then."

"Now I get what you mean."

"So how about you G? When will this take you?"

"Until I have that 6-pack. And right now I think I am still far from that body type." I confessed.

"I know it sounds superficial but sometimes we need to be superficial. I think I told you before how fat I used to be. I was in high school and I was 185 pounds! Imagine it Kane, me, a little boy like me weighing that much...but you know what?"

"What?"

"I was perfectly happy. I didn't care what others think"

"But my mom somehow got to me. She told me that it's unappealing to be fat. She pushed me hard and she succeeded. Of course I couldn't blame her if I have weight issues now but you know, somehow, I think she played a part of it, but of course she is my mom."

"And the funny thing is she wants me to get fat now. She says I'm too thin, which of course I don't think that's actually true."

"We see those guys in clubs, ripping with muscles, we look at ourselves in the mirror and tell ourselves 'it's not yet enough.' More. More. More."

"You see what I mean G? So what if you got that 6-pack? What's next for you? Larger biceps? More protruding chest? Broader shoulders?"

"Hayyy, Kane! You're making me worry more!"

We both laughed.

"So when will we stop this G?"

"I don't think we ever will Kane...I don't think we can. This madness, I mean."

And said my goodbye to him over the phone as I enjoyed the rest of the night.

Connections

We cut ties in order to build different ones.

Grindr 101

1.  Read the profile before asking. God gave you eyes. Use them.

2.  Never start the conversation asking for his goddamn Facebook account.

3.  Have multiple pictures ready. I mean it.

4.  The more metropolitan, the more choosy (Makati and QC tops the list).

5.  No face pic, no chat.

6.  Thank him if you're not interested in him. Remember breeding?

7.  The existence of posers is omnipresent.

8.  Face pics.  Check. Topless pics.  Check. Dick pics. Only if warranted.

9.  Never flatter too much.

10.  Not an avenue for commitments.

O Bar Ortigas 102

1. Alcohol ain't free. It comes with a hefty price.

2. Poise, honey, poise. Even when tipsy, poise.

3. Sandos are left at gyms, homes, or guys who cannot afford to buy shirts. Or unless you're the go-go boy.

4. Yes, we all sweat but please, have a hanky handy!

5. Bendy straws are left for people who drinks Chocolait. And ride school buses. And play with dirt.

6. Bring your friends, acquaintances, and exes but never, ever, ever babysit.

7. If you have got no one to go home with, that's okay. It's not that you're not at your prime anymore but because you were just a snob.

Or maybe because you're really way past your prime. And bedtime too.

8. Baby, Grindr inside O Bar is a bit of an overkill, don't cha think?

9. Everyone knows who you kissed last weekend. The question is, who will you kiss tonight?

10. If you really want to, and we all know you want to: if a group of gay guys ask you to hang out with them, by all means go.

P.S. They usually hang outside just beyond the staircase. Can you spell O-R-G-Y? Of course you can, it's the same as L-O-V-E without attachments and all that drama

Of A Foodie Event

"We're going to an event this Saturday." A friend of mine told me over the phone.

"Really? Where is it?"

"Market Market." He told me.

"What's in there anyway?" I inquired more.

"A foodie event. But, it's for bloggers."

"Really? For bloggers? How nice. I will try." I told him and hanged up the phone.

You see, the only events I go to are fashion shows as I am more inclined to those. It is of my interest and hobby. So the minute my friend told me about the foodie event, I was actually very excited: first, because I have not seen him since a blogger's birthday party and second, well, it's food. Who doesn't want food? With that in mind, I cleared up my Saturday just for that. No other meet-ups or what not. Literally after work, cleared for that event.

Saturday came and although I was sleepy because of sleeping late last night, I was really perky and in the mood to go out.

3:00 pm struck and I got my bag from the locker and flew towards Fort Bonifacio.

"Hey, where are you? I'm near Market." I texted my friend.

"Here at home, waiting for V. He's coming with us." He replied.

"Alright. Thanks." And off I slipped my phone in my pocket.

A few minutes inside the bus, turning from street to street, seeing the progress Fort Bonifacio has been achieving, it was a fun and entertaining ride, but a bit nauseating.

By the time I arrived at the mall, I knew I look wasted even without looking at my reflection. But instead of going inside a comfort room to freshen up, I went directly towards the activity center where the event is being held.

True enough, there were kiosks after kiosks of food and people, a lot of them! They were all roaming around sampling every food there is.

And I envied them right then and there!

"Hey, where are you guys? There are a lot of people here." I immediately texted my friend.

"Still at home."

I temporarily resigned and tried my best to keep my hunger at bay. After all, I was only invited.

Off I went to Bonifacio High Street to keep myself distracted then.

While walking towards Full booked towards Springfield, I received a text "Just looking for a place to park."

I sighed because primarily the sight at Bonifacio never fails to put me on a smile. Hot boys makes me smile. And twitch.

Walking back towards Market Market, I felt excited again.

With the rush of the air-con and the sight of a lot of people, off I returned to the activity center.

"Heyyy..." K greeted me.

"Hey!" My eyes lit up.

"Hey G, walk over here." E showed me the area where I get to enter.

Apparently, we were invited to the exclusive area. Not the area where a lot of people walk around and sample food from various 'popular foods'.

Here, they have catered food.

Nice!

"Why don't you get yourself a plate and help yourself?" E showed me where to get a plate and I obliged.

I looked for viands that would suit my taste, meaning, nothing outside fish, chicken, fruits, and vegetables.

Grazing my eyes, I found fish with chili honey mustard sauce and chicken in pesto. Grabbed some of them and made my way towards the group.

We shared stories and laughed, man, we laughed like there was no tomorrow, like we were the only people inside the mall, like we haven't seen each other in decades.

Seeing K, E, P, and E's partner A, it was a delight and truly something memorable.

Overall, the foodie event was a success. I can see people's faces wide-grinned and happy with the cornucopia of food they were offered. Some of them even went two rounds just to get a sample again! They enjoyed each and every kiosk they passed, as I had too with great acquaintances, awesome food, and the cool company that held the event.

It was a pleasure. 'Til the next event then, Ensogo!

Desperado

To you PR guy who asked me to have s*x at the cemetery near our subdivision...






In the words of the witches...I curse you!

Six Years

I took the long route towards Greenhills where we will meet. Meaning, I walked from MRT Ortigas towards Virra Mall. The whole time I was walking I kept thinking, "What is he like now? Would I be able to recognize him or would he recognize me?"

"Where are you? I'm already here in front of Tokyo Tokyo."


"Wait, I'm near."

As I went down the area, my heart started to beat faster. I remember beating this fast whenever I see him. But before it was the longing to see him, now it's anxiety building up.

From afar, I could already see an image of a tall guy, not lanky and lean anymore just like in yesteryears; a little tummy; but still - there he is waiting for me just like in the old days.

"Heyyy..." I said while wiping my forehead with my handkerchief.

"You look thinner."

The first time in six years and this is the reply I get?


"Yes. I know. It's a good thing."


"No, you're like skin and bones."


"Geez Carlo, I wish I am skin and bones."

I can feel tension building up and started to break the ice.


"Where'd you want to eat?" I asked him.

"Chowking, you want?"


"I am fine with wherever you want to eat."


"Okay."

We walked towards Chowking which is just a few feet away from where we were standing.

Once inside, "It's hot in here, let's find another place." I told Carlo.

"You're fussy." He quipped.

"Of course I am. Haven't you noticed it before?" I gave him a slightly evil look.


"No."


"Well I never was a cowboy."


"You were."


"People change." I remarked.


"Okay. Let's go some place else." He told me.

Walking outside the vicinity of the Greenhills area, we were waiting for each other to ask something, anything.


"So how are you and your boyfriend?" I was the first to surrender to the dead air.

"Good. Pretty good."


"I am glad to know that."


"So, how long have you been communicating with my boyfriend?"


"About a few years ago."

It was true, we were just disconnecting and reconnecting again. That's just how it is.

"So, what things have you talked about behind my back?"

Knowing him, the paranoid him, I was not completely surprised he asked me this question.

"Very little. We may have communicated earlier but we mostly just say hi's and hello's. Besides, did you know we have not talked about oh, four or five months?"


"Why?"


"Because he wouldn't give me your number, that's why."


"Why would you want my number?"


"I wanted to talk."


"Why?"


"Carlo, I am assuming we have both moved on."


"Of course." He quickly replied.


"So I don't think there's anything wrong with talking with you again, is there?"


"No, I guess not."

My sweat was building up because of the humidity and the questions he was throwing at that time.

"So where do you want to eat?" He asked again.


"Do you want Chinese?"


"I do but I only eat at Chowking for Chinese."


"Seriously?" I gave a questionable look.


"Yes."


"Do you remember how we used to eat at Chowking in Vega?"


"We did?!" He surprisingly retorted.

"We did. How could you forget?"


"I have forgotten a lot about us, G. Didn't we eat more at Jollibee in Calamba?"


"We did but we also ate at Chowking in Vega."


"So you remember Binalot where we ate?"


"Yes, that's already gone."


"Oh..."


"I think they turned it into a dorm or something."


"I see."

We walked until we reached Greenwich where we plan to have early dinner.

Our conversation reminded me of how memories can be frames, where every frame represents a timeline.
And where every timeline sometimes gets faded, blurred out, or perhaps deleted without intention.




Part 2

Six Years

Six years.

For six years there was no trace of you.

I wished for it that way. You wished for it too.

There was one time, not so long ago, I wanted to see you badly. Not because I wanted to get back. I just wanted to see you again, how you have been doing with life and wished we could talk, or even chat for a while.

I told myself it would be okay to ask your boyfriend. No hard feelings. What is in the past, stays in the past.

Or do they really?

Your boyfriend could not, would not, wish not to give me your number. He told me how you would react and I scoffed at the idea. Surely, our lives had moved on its separate ways.

I was furious! I never wished to come back into your life nor ruin the lives of you two. That was and will never be my intention. I am happy the way things are.

And now your boyfriend and I reconnected for what seems forever and then he gave you my number.

Six years. There was nothing left to say after that.

But then here we are crossing paths again.




Part 1

Friend

I had always thought I was one of those who you've considered to be one.

Nevertheless, I am very thankful for knowing you.

You have changed me in ways I could not even imagine - built up my esteem, gave me confidence, made me part of who I am today.

But now it is time to say the inevitable 'See you again.'

After all, you're just a party away.

Rule Of Thumb

No one loves equally.

It Has Been A While

He led me towards the back area of the house.

My heart was thumping madly.

I was nervous again. Or excited?

A few walks and we arrived at a room with two double deck beds.

"This is where I stay." He showed me where he sleeps and where his other roommates sleep.

"I see."

"Sit down." He told me.

I sat down on his bed and looked around the room.

"So, where do you work in Makati?"

He mentioned the name of the company and the place.

"That's near my office!" I told him with a raised voice.

We chuckled.

"But I doubt we'll see each other as I'm on night shift."

"Whew, that's a relief." I sighed.

I moved and he sat near the edge of the bed while I lied down.

We talked about his life: what province he came from and where he stayed, to what happened to him here in Manila and where he is now...

In a way, I got calmer. He did make me feel like a friend even in that random moment.

I inched closer to him, making sure he does not feel intimidated or perhaps, awkward.

I hugged him and he hugged back.

The last time I hugged someone was more than a month ago, when I was still, um, unavailable.

After a while he stood up and I moved near the edge of the bed.

He looked me in the eye. His eyes were fierce. It was like a spear ready to pierce through.

He bent down and kissed me on my lips. Rough. Just like how I want it.

I fought back, battling his kiss with a more aggressive one. How I had missed that.

He stopped and stood again. He looked at me with curiosity.

And suddenly, he pulled his shorts down.

There it was, the moment we both had been waiting for.

I played with it, toyed it, fondled it, licked it.

He loved giving it to me, pushed it through my mouth like there's no tomorrow. My mouth drooled. It salivated.

Damn that was intense!

After thrusting me for several times, I looked at him and how he winced, how he moaned, how I knew it was time.

"You want it, huh?" He asked me. No, he commended me.

"Yes." I told him precisely. And I opened my mouth while he placed it near.

""F**K, G!"

It exploded inside me. A lava of white goo gushing down the crevice of my mouth towards the throat.

And I swallowed them all.

He smiled at me and kissed me torridly.

I felt disgusted for having done that.

But I was satisfied, in a transient way.




Part 2

It Has Been A While

It was a lazy and unproductive Sunday afternoon - sleepy and just plain sluggish.

"Hey, where are you?" Someone inquired through text.

And I thought I'd be burrowed in boredom.

"Here at home. Why?" I asked him.

"My roommate's out."

"I see." I replied with a very nasty smirk on my face.

"Where do you live again?" I messaged him immediately.

"Just near."

Ah yes, how crucial is accessibility and convenience nowadays?

"Okay, give me 30 minutes."

"Oh..." He said.

"Oh why?"

"My roommate might be here soon."

"Well I don't fly JL." I told him. "Relax, okay?"

I took a short bath and dressed as fast as I could.

"Hey JL, I am on my way, now what?"

He gave me the instructions: rode a jeep, alighted in a village just 10 minutes from our subdivision, and
took a tricycle.

"Where are you?" I asked him again, just making sure I didn't go into an uncharted place.

"Just at the gate."

I walked through houses with gates for about two minutes, and at last, I saw him.

He unlocked the gate to the place where he is staying.

And I followed suit.

Part 1

The Dating Game

Here I am, back to square one.

The beginning of beginnings.

The start of yet another search.

"So how are you?" Asked my friend over the phone after I told him.

"I am ambivalent. I am happy we ended in good terms but I am sad too." I passively replied.

"Why?" He inquired.

"I am happy because there was not any trace of anger or frustration. Hurt, yes, that is normal. But what is more to say? I have told him that. Sad because you know, I am tired. You know, looking for a partner can be the most tiresome of all - the dates, the getting to know phases, the instincts, the sparks everything comes into full play."

"I understand G. A break-up like that because at the back of your head you were thinking 'what if we take another chance, what if we can still try, what if there somehow there is a way to make it just like before?'"

"Yes, exactly how I felt. But you know, I told him, the world is small yet possibilities
are endless. It may have ended but sometime, perhaps..." I was at a loss for words.

I suddenly looked up to the sky and I felt my neck tightening up. Tears trickled down both cheeks.

Then regaining my composure, "But for now, I am not fine, but soon, I will be. Thank you."

"Of course you will be."

And he hung up the phone while I went inside our house to finally take a good rest.

"This is why dreams can be such dangerous things: they smolder on like a fire does, and sometimes consume us completely." - Sayuri, Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden.

Constellations

I have made promises I kept to you, for only you deserve them.
But I also promised to be true to myself.

Goodbye lover, confidant, and friend.

Pet Peeve

I despise guys who grunt inside the gym.









Because it turns me on.




Nyahahahahahaha!

Of Beauty And Tragedy

The sun was setting and we were still seated out the store. I looked at my watch then looked at him.

“Um, Javi?”

“Yes?”

“It’s past 6 and you told me you have a client dinner by 8.”

He looked momentarily at his watch.

“Oh yeah!”

“Shall we?”

“One more stick, please?”

“Go.”

The reason I told him that is because I too had to go home and leave the house by 7 pm, sharp. Any minute more than that and I postpone my gym session. Yes, that’s how my mind works.

He lit another cigarette.

“His brother initially blamed me for his death.”

He began.

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him everything, scene by scene, how everything happened. Even if it means recounting the night he left…”

He puffed his cigar, looked at an open space, and puffed another one.

“That reminds me, how did you tell his parents?”

“I called my brother the moment they took him to the hospital, I told him everything that happened, I told him he needs to go to their house in Binondo, and once he gets there, he’ll tell me when I need to call them.” Javi seemed distant that time. It was painful to go back to those, but I know he needed to. “I waited for his text and when he gave me a ‘go’ signal, I talked to Sam’s mom. ‘Tita, something bad happened to Sam…’ I didn’t tell her that Sam left us but at the end of my story, she asked me ‘Where is his body?’”

He finished another stick. I lost count how many he had, but I didn’t mind, after all, we were strangers who started communicating just earlier that day. He took another one from the pack.

“Let’s get going?” He asked.

“Sure.”

We then started walking towards his car.

“Whenever we go to malls or public places, I can see other gay guys looking at us, well, him. He was a looker. I can see their looks on him, fascination, while they look at me with curiosity. Sam would feel how insecure I can be so if he notices guys looking at us, he would place his arm around my shoulder. And it makes me feel secure.”

“I see.” I looked at him, checking just to make sure he still is okay.

“How did you cope? No professional help?” I inquired.

“I went to the US with three of my closest friends the afternoon he was cremated.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes G. I flew, away from him. I have to. I need to.”

And then he laughed a little.

“I remembered I told my friends who went with me to bring all their money with them because I will shop and spend until I owe them a lot of money so when I come back, I will work hard just to pay them. I will not think of anything just work, just to pay all of what I spent.”

I felt, I felt really sad at that point.

“Have you watched Soltera by Maricel?”

I moved my head from left to right twice.

“Why, what’s in Soltera?”

“There was a scene there where Maricel was just crying her heart out. And I had a moment like that where I was at the bathtub, crying, wailing, crying out every single tear there is. My friends were consoling me, telling me to stop, how could I, G? How could I? Sam was a part of me.”

“I see Javi. It couldn’t be helped. It’s okay to cry sometimes.” I told him that while I looked him in the eye.

“But you know what’s…” He stopped.

“What’s the hardest…”

“What’s the hardest part of it?”

I could see his eyes, it glistened, shimmered.

“It was when Sam was being cremated...” He stopped his sobs.

“I was there and he was being put into the incinerator. That, that was the most excruciating part of my life. The love of my life, burnt to ashes…”

I patted his back. I know how hard it was to tell me that. I truly do.

We were silent for a few minutes, silence that was warranted, silence that needed no more explanation.

“So…” I tried opening a conversation again.

“Where will you go from here Javi?”

“Honestly G, I can’t answer that right now.”

As he went inside his car and waved goodbye, I can feel how he felt lighter while I felt overwhelmed by his story.

Just like a person who lost his path, he will soon learn how to go back to his route. But for now, it doesn’t matter. Soon, when he’ll be able to return to the direction they used to take.

You are beauty,

We are beauty,

We are divine,

Unchanged by time. – Kai Jing, The Bonesetter’s Daughter by Amy Tan

Part 3 of 3

P.S. Javi, I felt compelled to write your story. I don’t know why. I just felt I have to. So if one day you come across this, apologies for that.

Of Beauty And Tragedy

“He asked me to go out with him, and I did. We were both dating people exclusively that time. But I still decided to meet him.”

Javi proceeded.

“After two months of going out, he told me we should turn this into a serious relationship. I, on the other hand, was not thinking it would actually be that serious. I was young then. You do know how that feels?”

 I nodded while my hands were on top of a bottle of a juice I just drank, with my chin resting on top of my hands.

“After that…everything changed.”

 He spaced out again.

A few moments passed, he looked at me.

“Um, where were we?”

“How your relationship turned serious.” I replied.

“Ah…I’m sorry G, sometimes I can’t help it.”

“It’s okay Javi. I understand where you’re coming from.”

“You know what G?”

“What?”

 “Aside from the people close to me, you’re actually the first person I told this story.”

 I laughed. “Nice and someone from Planet Romeo. Who would have thought?” And I smiled at him.

“I know right.” He smiled back.

“Within the 10 years that we shared, we always had a competition. For example, he would buy a watch and I would need to buy something similar in that price range or higher. Usually, we go for the higher. It was always like that, a healthy competition. That, that made the best of us, always aiming higher than each other. I can say G that I wouldn't be the man I am now if it weren't for him. Half of what I have achieved, I owe it all to him.”

“I actually returned his watch collection to their house. I wouldn’t use them. We have more or less the same watches so I brought it back where it truly belongs.”

“Where’d they keep it?”

“That I don’t know G.” He lightly smiled.

 Javi then lit another cigarette, took a puff then placed it again on the ashtray.

 He then lowered his voice and I went a bit closer to him.

“Sometimes, when we’re making love, he would stop in the middle of it and ask me: ‘Do you still love me?’ ‘I do.’ I would always answer him that. Sometimes, I would stop in the middle and ask: ‘Are you still attracted to me?’ ‘Yes, yes I am Javi.’ That’s how he was.”

“You two were made for each other.” I couldn’t help but tell him that.

“People used to think that too, a financially stable couple with a condo in The Fort, a joint account, cars, and dreams. We only needed to get married and have a child to make it complete.”

“One day, he told me he wanted to buy a house. ‘Javi, we’re nearly finished with the condo, let’s buy a house.’ We scouted for nearby places. We were able to find one in Portofino.”

 "Isn’t that far?”

“It’s in Daang-Hari. It’s not really that far.”

“I guess so.”

“Wait.” I interjected. “You told me earlier you’re living with your mom now in Malate. What about your condo?”

“I go there once a month just to pay the bills and fix out some things. I need…” He took a deep breath. “I need someone to accompany me every time I go there. I know I’m moving on, I know that, I have to, but I think I can’t still change the fact that that was where we used to be. My friends begged me to give away his things, shirts, pants, everything. I told them ‘no, everything stays, that is his.' Every one of Sam’s things is in the same order as when we were there.’”

“Are you still going to go ahead with your plans?”

“That’s a good question G. I haven’t really thought about that. Even if I do…” He looked down on his shoes for a moment. “Even if I do, he wouldn’t be there. And for now, I live my life on a daily basis.”

 I wanted to sob, really, I do. What he said was heart-breaking.

Then he smiled and said: “Sometimes I wish that by the time I open the door I would see money on the console table, his share on our joint account 15,000 pesos. That was our deal. That amount every payday.”

“His parents knew that we have a joint account so when he passed away I went into their house one night, I told them the amount, and I asked them: ‘What are you going to do with Sam’s money? I could get my share and I could give you the half.’ His mother just smiled meekly and told me: ‘No, that’s your money, Sam and yours, that is not ours. You decide what you want to do with it.’”

 So what did you do with the account?”

“I kept it alive. Every payday, the same amount, I never forget to put in what we had agreed.”

“I see.” I don’t really know how to react. It was one of those moments that you just want to hear his stories.

“So in your 10-year relationship, it had always been very strong, not like an on, off, on, off thing?”

“Never. What we argue are mostly petty things, I think the worst was where we want to eat.”

“Why is that?”

“Because when he asks me I tell him, how about you, where do you want to eat?”

He laughed.

I smiled at him.

"He usually picks me up after work or vice-versa. Imagine G, he works in Makati and we live in The Fort and he would go to Intramuros just for me." He quickly added.

“Oh, I remembered years ago where an endorser was giving hints at him." His voice became less serious and more ecstatic. "This said endorser is at the prime of his career now. He was flirting around with him even though he knew he has a partner. One time, my boyfriend even invited me to one of their shootings just so this endorser can see that he has a partner. I can still remember that guy, flirting with my boyfriend on the set as if I do not exist.”

“So how’d he stop?”

“This guy sent a note to my boyfriend. And that was the last straw.”

“And you went up to him?”

“Exactly.”

“So you confronted him.”

“Yes, I was holding the note when I came up to him and told him that he already has a partner and he is not interested.”

“Bitchy!!!”

“Of course G.”

“What was his reply to you?”

“He was stunned.”

“Soooo, who’s this actor?”

“I can’t tell you...”

“I hate you!”

As we laughed our hearts I felt at ease with him yet his love story remains one of those I know I will cherish.

 

Part 2 of 3