Of Beauty And Tragedy

The sun was setting and we were still seated out the store. I looked at my watch then looked at him.

“Um, Javi?”

“Yes?”

“It’s past 6 and you told me you have a client dinner by 8.”

He looked momentarily at his watch.

“Oh yeah!”

“Shall we?”

“One more stick, please?”

“Go.”

The reason I told him that is because I too had to go home and leave the house by 7 pm, sharp. Any minute more than that and I postpone my gym session. Yes, that’s how my mind works.

He lit another cigarette.

“His brother initially blamed me for his death.”

He began.

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him everything, scene by scene, how everything happened. Even if it means recounting the night he left…”

He puffed his cigar, looked at an open space, and puffed another one.

“That reminds me, how did you tell his parents?”

“I called my brother the moment they took him to the hospital, I told him everything that happened, I told him he needs to go to their house in Binondo, and once he gets there, he’ll tell me when I need to call them.” Javi seemed distant that time. It was painful to go back to those, but I know he needed to. “I waited for his text and when he gave me a ‘go’ signal, I talked to Sam’s mom. ‘Tita, something bad happened to Sam…’ I didn’t tell her that Sam left us but at the end of my story, she asked me ‘Where is his body?’”

He finished another stick. I lost count how many he had, but I didn’t mind, after all, we were strangers who started communicating just earlier that day. He took another one from the pack.

“Let’s get going?” He asked.

“Sure.”

We then started walking towards his car.

“Whenever we go to malls or public places, I can see other gay guys looking at us, well, him. He was a looker. I can see their looks on him, fascination, while they look at me with curiosity. Sam would feel how insecure I can be so if he notices guys looking at us, he would place his arm around my shoulder. And it makes me feel secure.”

“I see.” I looked at him, checking just to make sure he still is okay.

“How did you cope? No professional help?” I inquired.

“I went to the US with three of my closest friends the afternoon he was cremated.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes G. I flew, away from him. I have to. I need to.”

And then he laughed a little.

“I remembered I told my friends who went with me to bring all their money with them because I will shop and spend until I owe them a lot of money so when I come back, I will work hard just to pay them. I will not think of anything just work, just to pay all of what I spent.”

I felt, I felt really sad at that point.

“Have you watched Soltera by Maricel?”

I moved my head from left to right twice.

“Why, what’s in Soltera?”

“There was a scene there where Maricel was just crying her heart out. And I had a moment like that where I was at the bathtub, crying, wailing, crying out every single tear there is. My friends were consoling me, telling me to stop, how could I, G? How could I? Sam was a part of me.”

“I see Javi. It couldn’t be helped. It’s okay to cry sometimes.” I told him that while I looked him in the eye.

“But you know what’s…” He stopped.

“What’s the hardest…”

“What’s the hardest part of it?”

I could see his eyes, it glistened, shimmered.

“It was when Sam was being cremated...” He stopped his sobs.

“I was there and he was being put into the incinerator. That, that was the most excruciating part of my life. The love of my life, burnt to ashes…”

I patted his back. I know how hard it was to tell me that. I truly do.

We were silent for a few minutes, silence that was warranted, silence that needed no more explanation.

“So…” I tried opening a conversation again.

“Where will you go from here Javi?”

“Honestly G, I can’t answer that right now.”

As he went inside his car and waved goodbye, I can feel how he felt lighter while I felt overwhelmed by his story.

Just like a person who lost his path, he will soon learn how to go back to his route. But for now, it doesn’t matter. Soon, when he’ll be able to return to the direction they used to take.

You are beauty,

We are beauty,

We are divine,

Unchanged by time. – Kai Jing, The Bonesetter’s Daughter by Amy Tan

Part 3 of 3

P.S. Javi, I felt compelled to write your story. I don’t know why. I just felt I have to. So if one day you come across this, apologies for that.