Club JO

Admittedly, I am in a relationship right now. WHOA?! Really? Yes Ma'am/Sir. I am in a relationship. Just changed my status in Facebook. Who would have thought, right? Little, old blogger boy is actually with someone. We made it official last 19th of June.


I can even describe it as heavenly. Cheesy! But yes, when I'm in love I go way cheesy, even some people won't believe it. I can't even believe it sometimes...


Then I went to his dorm to have a date and spend the night with him. Just us two. No one but us. Suffice to say it was that particular moment that the hours seemed to be longer and more appreciated.


I went home feeling ambivalent and having that sense of half-baked emotion. Not that spending the night with him isn't great but, you know us guys, we change guys like we change wardrobe regularly...


Alighting from the train in Baclaran, I let out a heavy and deep sigh. Not only am I walking in a dark, murky and smelly path but I was having the same thought in my mind about this relationship of ours. Yes, call me a pessimist and paranoid.


I looked at my phone, no text from him. Maybe he's studying for his next class. I slipped it back into my pocket and tuned in to my Ipod to let my mind wander for the time being.


This love thing is really a double-edge sword ready to slice you off or protect you from harm. There I was falling into a deep coma-like love for this guy and yet, I can't seem to put my finger in it again. Speculations are hard not to dismiss especially when you have trust issues that are still unresolved although at this point in time, rhetorical questions play a major role in how I view life. Should I let it be or find a solution? Should the punctuation mark be a question mark or a period? Should it be a hindrance or a boon?


Oh geez is all I can say for now.


To be continued...

Something to Ponder About

Through Superficiality we learn Depth and its offers.

Subjectively Speaking

Disoriented.


The presence of tags, labels, and stereotypes sent me into a downward spiral of disorientation. Coming from a perilous childhood background I was not ready for this. I did not foresee this. Nevertheless, I can't just shut up and ignore this fact. Monstrosity aside, I tolerated it for the primary reason that graduating from College was what matters most. Not what other homosexuals think of me. Sure I think of it every now and then most especially dating guys who are supposedly, allegedly, or claiming to be discreet gays. But not when you have tons of Nursing Care Plans to finish everyday.


When senior year came less paperworks were given thus I have more time to go out. Come on, school is school, academics is academics, study is study but I have needs too you know. ;) Then that's where I interacted again with people, YM chat rooms were banned because of lewd and explicit content so what was my next step? Yes, I entered a social networking site, wait, let me rephrase, a gay networking site. Guys4Men to be exact. And there, there I saw the epitome that is labeling - from filling out the questions for preferences and for your ideal partner/one night stand/FuBu. Everything is laid out, everything according to one's perception, everything subjective.


And yet I was most of the time online there, exchanging messages from people who I find attractive and who finds me attractive or worth their lust. I could even confess that I've been caught up with the whole label scheme. No to chubs, no to effems, no to out gays, no to loud gays, no to a decade older than me gays, no to  too attractive gays, no to too ugly gays, no to too much gym goer gays, no to too much club goer gays, no to make-up wearing gays, no to this, no to that. I was trapped in my own thoughts of not being judgmental and bias. How'd I get afflicted too much of this whole bimbo thinking? Myself. I got affected because of rejections I encountered from people who I think are attractive yet aren't attracted to me. Yeah, I got sucked in this vortex of discrimination and bigotry but just because.


A series of multiple dates helped me realize that there really is more to life than molding an idea and letting it form into a concrete one. If there's one cliche I would like to reiterate is that change is the only thing constant in this world.


Part 2

Subjectively Speaking

What makes this world revolutionize is how ideas become more pronounced - the ideas of social status, gender preference, and labels can be cited as good examples.


And with new ideas sprouted radical and not so radical ones which have more or less created minds worthy of noting. And as with transformation blossomed thinkings of close-mindedness. Yes, people became more creative with ideas but also sticked to new ideas which are biased, which they know are right and which they know are facts but really just factitious.


Being homosexual is being absolute, meaning the preference is same gender. Same is true for heterosexuals who prefer the opposite.


When I was growing up my perception of homosexuals are those of the parlor-type ones. No, it's not discrimination because first and foremost, I had no point of comparison that time. Media influenced me and what I usually see when my Mom gets a hair-cut.


With ignorance and early youth within me I have little knowledge on homosexuals and what significant role they play in the society. IF they play any significant role. My childhood was filled with not so good description of gays mainly because both sides of the family are homophobics and they literally prejudice people base on what they do for a living. Yes, bigotry has been part of my past and that is also one of the main reasons when I was coming out of my pink closet, I had so many, many, many worries and insecurities that I had to postpone myself into facing reality. I had to pretend that I don't have time for girls much more being involved with them. This was my main excuse.


And College days came and oh it was sweet and sour! I got laid for the first time, joined chatrooms in YM, got rejected in YM, viewed cams in YM, got numbers, got hook-ups, got courted, got broken-hearted. I tell you when I stepped into me being gay in College it's as if life exploded right in front of my very eyes. And that's where it all started. The categories, the labels, the stereotypes. It all splashed to my face as well. And it made me insecure once again.


From the parlor-type ones that I have accustomed with came out the bisexuals, discreet-looking, straight-acting, effeminates, chubby ones, gym-goers, club goers, straight-trippers, closeted gays, out gays, not-so-out gays, slightly-closeted gays. The labels and descriptions are endless and others are soon to follow.


I was standing on a question mark that time and I was constantly asking myself: Where do I belong?


Part 1

Hitting Plateau

Plateau - a period or state of little or no growth or decline especially one in which increase or progress ceases.


Source: Webster's College Dictionary


I think I may have hit this one, big time. And no, this isn't about the second phase of the sexual intercourse. What do you think of me, horny? Hahaha! No, not this time. Some other time.


The thing is I haven't been to the gym more than what my regular work-out week should be and for the past couple of weeks I have dragged, trudged, forced myself to hit the gym about twice in a week and I should be hitting it thrice! Honestly, I'm just not sure how or why it happened. Before Philippine Fashion Week I was going to the gym thrice a week then doing my weekend cardio. I was like a maniacal body-builder out to trounce Mr. Universe and Mr. Gay World simultaneously then after a week of attending PFW, ppppffffttt... my body seemed to have become delirious  into becoming Derek Ramsay who has a very lean and well-built physique. I can't seem to find the right motivation, from work to home to the internet. I would rather just stay home and cozy myself with the presence of a bed, my pillows and my blanket.


It's been getting more difficult let me tell you and I have been upfront telling myself that I don't have the genes of a model nor an athlete, sure, blame it on genes and heredity but the best thing I can do is try to turn the situation into something positive but right now, there just seems to be none. And this phase isn't just affecting me, my body and my thinking. It leaks to how I deal with people and some of you may have noticed that I don't blog much nowadays. Hiatus? Oh, hell no. Just some minor bumps in the road as most of us experiences every now and then.


So right now I'm hitting a plateau with my exercise even if I'm conjuring up my work-out for the entire 6 weeks. Yeah, I might get back my mojo soon I just don't know when. And for the sake of hitting gym I've even tried eating chocolates for endorphins, coffee for stimulation and lastly, you know what for more endorphin release but nothing seems to work.


This is actually not the first time I've hit plateau but this is by far the longest I've been in. Two weeks is a long time given the fact that I eat a lot everyday thinking that I would be going to the gym by night. NOT. Laziness gets the best of me especially since rainy days are hitting the Metro every now and then save for some ridiculously hot times during the afternoon but come five or six in the evening, the wind becomes cooler and you just want to cuddle your pillow or someone in your bed. Or motel if that's where you are.


Fine, I'm going to stop ranting now. Hopefully I would be in a better mood tomorrow. Giselle Bundchen's body, here I come! ;)

Something to Ponder About

Life is a Series of Misses and Hits.




You Miss, You Have the Opportunity to Do it Again,




You Hit, You Have the Opportunity to Perfect it.

Something to Ponder About

To Love is To Risk.




To Risk is To be Selfless.




Therefore, To Love is To be Selfless.

A Traveler's Pursue

Three pieces of pan de sal.


I was munching on them while journeying to the end of the notorious Recto Avenue. 


I was enjoying every bite from the soft morsel of the bread. 


I was gnawing bit by bit of this craving for calories without giving a damn to thieves and robbers alike. 


That was enough for me to walk towards San Beda with a smile in my heart and my stomach.


I stopped near Mini Stop. I was near Beda, just a cross away. I gulped down the last piece and drank the sports drink. I was enjoying too much of my breakfast/lunch/snack that I didn't notice that my back was dripping with sweat. I have to wait for his text before marching in front of Beda's enormous gate.


A few minutes passed and my phone vibrated. I read the message.


Texter: Can we just meet in front of Uste?


Me: I'm already here near Beda. What's wrong?


Texter: Uh-oh.


Me: What's wrong?


Texter: A friend told me that Beda is closed for enrollees.


Me: Oh I see. Ok then I'm gonna go to Uste. See you there. And I hope you're Ok.


Texter: Thanks. I am.


Me: Welcome. I'll see you in a bit.


Oh Man! I'm so far from Uste! And the weather is not getting any colder. But what can I do? He wants me to go to Uste from Legarda. Define Effort - Guyrony.


Off I marched from the street of Legarda towards Morayta and back to España. If I hadn't known any better I say this guy is giving me a cardio. An inappropriate one. Well, no complaints. I'm gonna see him anyway, that's the icing on the cake. 


I was already gasping for air when I arrived near the footbridge towards the gate where we'll meet. I was dehydrated for the second time since arriving in Manila. If this keeps up I might end in UST Hospital and not in the building for Graduate Studies.


Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps going up the footbridge. Good thing there was shade. Going down was better and stepping on the last plight of the stairs, it was an accomplishment itself. Seriously.


He was waiting for me, with his button down polo shirt and plaid shorts coupled with his great posture, alluring eyes and chupable, uh, kissable lips. My world seemed to get better instantly.


Hey you. A greeting I have inherited from Carrie Bradshaw. Hahaha!


Hey. Was his reply.


Were you waiting long?


No.


Can we go inside now?


Sure. 


He led me inside and I followed. His nape is sweaty. That's what I noticed immediately. I wanted to wipe it off with my bare hands. We walked towards the Administration building talking about some random stuff. He said he needs to get his Transcript and Diploma before we head to the building for Graduate Studies. I said that's fine. Upon arriving at the building the guard told us to come back by 1pm because it is the employees' lunch break. We have no choice but to go to USTGS to inquire about the Masters Program. We'll deal with his records later.


Sir? I asked a slightly chubby guy in the information room.


What is it? Was the slightly chubby guy's reply.


Where do we go to inquire about the Masters Program?


Go into Room Four. Unfortunately it is lunch break, you might wanna check them back after 1pm.


Oh, is that so? Thanks then, sir and good afternoon to you.


We left the room and I was searching where Room Four is so that by the time I get back, I know where it is.


You know what? The texter suddenly interrupted my room-searching.


What? I answered with a hint of astonishment.


There is a downloadable form in the internet. He continued.


I know but it's in PDF format.I haven't downloaded the latest Adobe Reader yet. I said.


Well, just informing you. He laughed for a moment.


Thanks. I laughed as well not because he was funny but because I am enjoying his company.


We went outside the Dapitan Gate, not knowing where to go or how to pass the time without being under the raging heat of the sun.


Let's eat! He suddenly tugged me with excitement.


Well, technically I'm not yet that hungry because I ate before going here. I could accompany you though.


Ok, thanks. Where do you wanna go?


Your choice man, you're the one who's hungry.


How about Jollibee? 


Fastfood is fine but why Jollibee?


Because it's colder there.


And the Seven Eleven near to the Dapitan Gate isn't?


Well let's just say that we'd be more comfy sitting down as opposed to standing.


Good point. I stood by his notion.  


He ordered while I picked two seats for us. It was lunch time hence the place is just packing with meat of different sizes and proportion. I was drooling, salivating even.


He seated in front of me. Perfect. We talked again about random stuff. Mostly his excitement on enrolling among others. I have nothing much to tell. As far as I am concerned my social life is deprecating at an alarming rate. That's it.


Finished the last bite. We were ready to go back and do the necessary tasks.


First off back to the Administration Building to get his records. He already knows where to go but he goes back and forth to rooms. He led me to a seat in an air-conditioned room.I sat down for a few minutes, lo and behold, I was snoozing, uh, I mean, resting my eyes already. But to be quite fair, it did take him a bit to get his records. :)


After his business, I have to do mine. I know, I know it's in the internet and I am logged in most of the time but I'm already there, might as well finish it off. We returned to USTGS and inquired to a lady sitting by the open window of Room Four.


Yes Sir? Was the girl's question.


Ma'am, can I please get a copy of the requirements for the Master's Program for Nursing? I excitingly asked.


Here you go sir. And she handed me about 3 pieces of paper with all the requirements, personal information needed and the tuition fee chart. Gulp.


But sir I would just like to add that today is the last filing of these forms. She added.


Oh, thank you for the info Miss. I'm just here to check the damage. And I giggled.


She laughed also,maybe she knows how much damage it will cost.


We left the USTGS Building by 3pm. Mission Accomplished.


While walking towards the exit, his Mom called. They were in a bit of a conversation. I was tired. I let my mind wander while we sat on a shaded bench.


Hey, can you still go with me? He asked with puppy dog eyes.


How could I say no? I thought in my mind.


Sure, going back to Beda? I inquired.


Yes, Mom says maybe I can ask someone to at least extend the enrollment.


You mean plead?


Plead, beg, ask, request. Whatever it takes she says.


Not a problem, I can still go with you.


We rode a pedicab from España towards Legarda, went inside Beda, he went to the Accounting Office while I waited. Thank goodness I wasn't able to sleep, uh, rest my eyes inside even though it was cold and cozy.


He came back to me,looked me straight into my eyes and it pierced right through my heart.


There's nothing they can do? I asked him shyly.


None. He firmly said.


I was a bit crushed. Enough to turn the mood into a sad one.


Are you Ok? I asked him while we were walking outside campus.


Yes, I'm fine. This is not my dream school anyway. He told me with a little defensiveness in tone.


Alright. Where do you wanna go next? 


I thought you need to go to UP Manila and ask?


Well it's already late. I can check the web anyway. And with that I gave him my sweetest smile, one that would uplift his mood somehow.


Ok, you wanna go home now? He said, slightly giving off a smirk.


All through the whole ride we were both quiet. Maybe because it's the most apt time. 


We arrived in Lawton in no time. It was already getting dark, the golden sun turning gloomy and the people nearly doubling in number to go home into their respective comfort zones to rest for the day.


I was gonna do the same. He will do the same.


Please do text me when you get home. I will miss you, again. While looking at me in the eye with sincerity filling in my innermost thoughts.


I will, I definitely will Kalv. With much hope and reconciliation in my voice.


And with that him and I parted ways.




Part 2

I Guess So?

I went out the bar with the notion that someday our fate and the techno lights will bring us back in each other's arms again.


He was cute, chinito, taller than I am, and definitely worth the night. I was however with friends who may perceive me as a whore if I would be persuaded by his awfully cute smile and alcohol-induced breath.


"We're gonna go already." I said as he untangled his arms from mine.


"I'll see you." He replied with a sadness in his tone and seriousness in his eyes.


"So, where are we gonna eat?" I asked J as we were walking along the streets of Malate.


"Do you wanna eat Chinese?" J said.


"I wanna eat anyone, I mean anything." I humorously replied.


We walked further into a nearby Chinese restaurant only to find out that it's already closed. To be fair, it was 5am.


"You guys wanna eat at Silya." J asked again.


"I don't know where that is." I told him.


"It's the tapsihan beside O Bar." J told me.


"Oh, that's Silya? Sure, whatever." I answered


Going back to Orosa-Nakpil, my walks were getting heavier and my eyes were getting harder to open. I reached my limit, it was already time for me to hit the sack.


Suddenly, J's phone kept ringing.


"Hello?" J answered the phone with much hesitance.


They were in a conversation for a bit. I wasn't listening. All I could tell is that the caller is waiting for us near O Bar.


"Who was it?" I asked J with a slight clue who that person is.


"It was Tonz. The guy you met at the bar. Happy?" J sarcastically told me.


"Well, yeah, kinda." Although inside I was already giggling with delight.


We arrived at Silya, it was jam-packed. We are guys who just partied hence the hunger pangs are greater during after parties. The need to be satisfied is of utmost importance. It is of urgency.


The only available vacant seats were by the road. No worries, we were there to eat and not for the ambiance and the smoke. J sat down while me and Herbs followed. Soon after, a waiter went to our table to get our orders.


"I'm not too hungry." I told J as we were browsing the menu table.


"That's Ok, pick something, anything. My treat." He told me without batting an eyelash.


"I would like to order for a clubhouse sandwich." J added.


"One order of Tapsilog." Herbs followed.


Before I can order anything, Tonz came and man, was I smitten. I forgot that I'm hungry, for something edible that is.


"Uh..." Salivating mode.


"Hey, hey." Was his greeting to us.


"Grab a seat." J told Tonz.


Tonz grabbed a seat beside me. 


Starstruck? No, you know me, always the demure, always the virginal, always the conservative. Hahaha!


"What do you wanna eat aside from me?" I asked him while I handed the menu table.


JUST KIDDING. This is what I really asked him.


"What do you want to eat anyway?"


"I'm not that hungry, you decide." Tonz told me while he returned the menu to me while doing his most flirtatious smile.


Aw...the submissive type. I like my man submissive. Hot!


"Ok then, um, sir, I'll have one order of Spaghetti with meatballs." I told the waiter with the fulfillment that I was able to decide what to eat discounting my grogginess.


The waiter thanked us and went inside. It took almost twenty minutes for him to come back with our food and we were already damn hungry.


The waiter placed the plate between me and Tonz. It was so sweet of him. Like Lady and the Tramp.


I started to dart my fork into the oodles of pasta. The enticing smell of the pasta was irresistible. 


There are no words to describe when he looked at me eating. I felt awkward but at the same time I was happy just seeing him again. Never mind if he sees me gobbling up on food. No Diet Sunday.


He was smiling most of the time which made my cheeks flush although barely, barely noticeable. What the heck, he finds me amusing, I find him cute. I think this is really is it! :)


J, Herbs and I finished our meals in less than an hour because the sun was nearly rising. Vampires?


I was with them while Tonz was still tailing us. I was curious and tired. J looked at me with astonishment.


"Don't tell me you're not going with him despite waiting for you? The guy just exudes effort." He told me trying to make me feel guilty.


"Well truth be told I am pooped. My body is saying go but my mind is telling me to sleep." I replied at him without contesting.


I turned my back and looked at Tonz who was at my back, following. How could I pass up a chance like this? Puppy dog eyes, gorgeous smile, great body. 


He'll be my feast.


My sacrificial buffet.


The main course for the day.


"Do you wanna hook-up?" With a serious tone in my voice and a lust in my lips I bluntly asked him in front of the guys. I think he was a bit shocked because he just gave out a chuckle. After that chuckle he looked at me, then J, then Herbs. Sticker shocked guy.


After composing himself. His eyes became perfectly engaging.


I saw that glint in his eyes, something familiar, really familiar. His eyes expressed a nod.


And I was ready for a good bob.


I mean a good job.


What I mean is that I'm ready for a good bob job. :)

Something to Ponder About

Guilt Doesn't Always Connote A Mistake.




It's Something You Could Have Done Better But Didn't.

Of Fashionistas, Flirts, and Epic Fails

Time is running out. Dawn is nearing and I have not yet been able to completely enchant him into my arms. Obviously, I still am liking Kalv. He still give me quivers, shivers and chills. And most importantly, I can still sense that he likes me even after what happened.


Or maybe you're just being delusional. A fixed false belief wherein you think anyone who likes you on the first date but you turn down is still longing to have you.


You know what brain, you just might be correct.


Holding him on his arm wasn't enough. I want him to feel that I'm here, I will be here just for him. So I clasped his arm. Enough to let him know through this simple physical act that I am longing for him, more than he knew.


He looked at me with a hint of surprise. He must be thinking: oh no, not in a public place. Fortunately he didn't move his arm from my hands tied around him instead, he placed his left hand on top of my hands which made me quiver, shiver and chill again. :)


I was trying to make him look into my direction, my eyes, my presence but the night isn't about us, the night is about our designer friend and the night is about bonding and cherishing moments that may take a while to form again. But still I want him to look into my direction! Hahaha!


Friends were laughing and I was going with the whole ambiance of the crowd. He was laughing too, heck, he was one of the jokers for the entire night. His straight-forward, blunt personality, and intellectual humor makes him someone to be intimidated with. And that should be fine with me after all, I have encountered men who not only thinks intimidating but looks the part as well. Kalv is both. The best of both worlds as some may say.


He was joking around and trying to flirt with other guys whom he thinks is cute. I, on the other hand would just laugh modestly. Tee-hee-hee to the highest level. 


Fine, so I thought he would be flirting with me or at the very least embarrass me about our past but none of those left his lips. Not one word.


Then time came for people to take a deep slumber. It was nearly three o' clock in the morning and some were as drunk as hell and some were just as horny as hell (not me!). People formed groups according to geographical location - South people and North people. I was included in the South people as with Kalv, Mr. Gray, and their friend. North people I didn't mind. They were the majority of the group. Why and bother.


Kalv: How will you get home?


He was asking me while waiting for the others to pick up the pace and get their asses off the chairs and into the taxi area.


Me: Take a cab. I don't wanna commute anymore, it's scary. I might get raped and I didn't bring any condom with me. ;)


Kalv: Oh, ok, are you near our area? Or can we drop you off somewhere?


Me: I'm kinda far from Las Piñas and I don't want to bother you guys. It's inconvenient at this time and your friend did drink a lot of beer.


I am after all a shy person. As some will forcefully justify. Weh.


Mr.Gray: Maybe we can drop you off somewhere near? It would be dangerous if you go home on your own.


Shucks, I'm not a little boy anymore.


Me: I guess...I could chip in. Thanks a lot!


Kalv: So come one, the taxi driver is waiting for us!


All four of us rode without much ado.


Since the three guys were schoolmates, I was the one sitting in front beside the driver. I know, I know, this could be the last time I'm gonna be with Kalv and this may be my last chance but I was forced to seat in front. Sigh.


All throughout I was looking at him. He was seated behind my back. I want to know what might be his reaction if I constantly take a peek at him. But alas, no major response. Double sigh.


Before I alighted the taxi and bade goodbye, I badly wanted to place a smack on his lips. A last meeting. A final encounter. An ultimate farewell.


When I went down I learned that he already has a boyfriend.


While I am exclusively dating someone.


That is just the way life goes for now.


Part 4

A Traveler's Pursue

Wednesday. 7:30am, Manila time. Blogger's Residence.


I was looking at the ceiling and was just thinking of what to finish today. I have no work but I have a lot to accomplish.


FEU, UST, UP. Schools I have to go to today, no, not later today, I need to go there, now. No procrastinating. Remember the last time you procrastinated? You lost an opportunity, big time! Get your large butt out of the bed . Geez, some militant mind of mine getting all bossy and pushy.


I got my towel from the clothesline and went in the bathroom. The weather was still hot despite PAGASA's forecast of the start of the rainy season. Sure, it was colder than May but not much of a difference. I turned on the knob of the shower. The water sprinkled my hair and started to leak towards my face, neck, body, legs. 


It feels good, this day is going to be good. I thought to myself. Today, I have a reason to return to Manila and appreciate its beautiful sceneries and appreciate its diversity of people.


I'm that simple-minded and I guess you could also say superficial but it's fine. Life need not be deep in order to value it per se.


I'm pretty sure they wouldn't allow someone inquiring to go about wearing plaid shorts and a slim-fit shirt. The best I could do is wear a decent polo shirt, pants and sneakers to match. High-heeled stilettos optional.


Brisk walking towards where I can hail an FX going to Manila City Hall. Dripping sweat, forming a huge paint-like mass at my back. It was as if Picasso made an apparition and placed it on my back.


After 10 minutes of walking I was finally able to ride. Thank goodness the driver looks fine. I'm always anxious when a driver looks like a hoodlum. Hahaha! Just kidding. I mean, like a mugger.


The ride was fairly smooth with a couple of traffic bumps here and there especially in NAIA and Baclaran Church, as always. About more than an hour of travel time, I was back in the beautiful and picturesque Manila. How I wish I was a student again! The smell of the jeepneys tar-colored smoke, the aroma of street people walking along every corner of the road, and the smog-ridden atmosphere. Oh yes, I am definitely, positively, assuringly in Manila. Mind you, I was having nostalgia.


I quickly rode a jeep: Quiapo-España. First itinerary for the day: FEU. I initially went to the Technology Building to surrender an ID in order for me to get in, after doing that I went inside the campus. I went to the Nursing Building to check where can I inquire about Graduate Studies. Yes, I am thinking of pursuing a Master's Degree. Well the people in the office were their usual unfriendly and unaccommodating disposition so I decided to be more aggressive and knocked on a glass window and asked a staff to where I can inquire requirements for the Masteral Program. After getting and asking what I needed, I went out and headed straight to Ever Recto. I haven't eaten breakfast, coffee was the only thing that was placed inside my mouth prior to coming to Manila. I'm parched and famished. I badly need to grab something before I die of dehydration and starvation. I bought some bread plus a sports drink to keep me going, after all I have just finished my first itinerary for the day, I still have two more to go. 


In the midst of munching and drinking someone texted me:


Texter: Hey, where you at?


Me: Ever Recto. Why?


Texter: I need to go to Beda, wanna accompany me?


Me: Sure, where are you now?


Texter: LRT, Vito Cruz station.


Me: Alright. Where do you want us to meet?


Texter: Near Beda would be fine.


Me: Well I'm near Beda so I can just walk from here.


Texter: Thanks.


Me: No problem, take care.


Texter: Yes, will do. 


Part 1


P.S. I swear this is turning out to be so Daisy Siete-ish. Nyahahaha!

Something to Ponder About

To Ostracize Another Homosexual,




Is Ostracizing Yourself.

Something to Ponder About

The Moments You Cried for A Love Gone Wrong,








Can be The Moments You Give to Look for A Love Gone Long.

Of Fashionistas, Flirts, and Epic Fails

Guilt was my initial reaction after sitting next to him. I turned him down once, what makes me think he'll be there twice? In this game called Love or the Seeking for Love, one must be witty, cunning, and wise. All three must be inculcated in order to find the partner of one's dream. But of course, when the heart beats so hard, so fast, and so strong for that person even if you possess the characteristics from above, most will be in vain. 


Stupid Love. 


(Ugly flashbacks of Salbakuta's song. The horror, the complete horror.)


I was smiling at him every time he looks at me and he smiles back, a sign of forgiveness, or so I think. It could be hypocrisy but I don't mind, he still has the charms I once longed for.


How could I have broken his heart in the first place? I reflected on this question while still smiling my best at him.


Personal problems. Personal struggles. Personal strifes that I know I can't let him enter my life because of the complications it will result to.


And yet the moment I laid eyes on him, seated next to him, feeling his every breath. I was thinking maybe we could start anew, one that won't interfere my affection for him and my personal conflicts. Without a hint he turned to me and I got surprised, well, not really. I was expecting that he'll be charmed by my advances anyway. Hahaha!


Kalv: Hey, how are you doing?


Guyrony: I'm fine, doing just fine.


K: And how's work?


G: Same same, sometimes benign, sometimes toxic but overall it's all good. How's summer class?


K: Great! Hehe!


(I could just die with his hearty laugh)


G: Graduate already?


K: Yeah, finally! Right now I'm still a bit bothered though.


G: What's bothering you?


K: You and me.


JUST KIDDING! Again.


G: What's bothering you?


K: Med school.


G: What's with med school?


K: Still finding hard where to enroll. I'm still weighing my options. I don't want an overpriced school. Sure the benefits may be of importance by the time I get my license but I don't want to see my family starving when I go home from school just because they provided me with top of the line education.


G: But with your intellect, I'm pretty sure there are a lot of options to choose from.


K: I know, I'll find a way.


G: That's the optimism Tiger. :)


K: Thanks. You're still at the same work?


G: Yes, still at it. Volunteering still.


K: I'm sure you'll have your chance on the limelight.


G: I hope so, Thanks a lot.


And with that appreciative statement of his I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. He reciprocated by squeezing it too, enough for me to look at him, finally straight to his darting eyes. At that brief, very, very brief moment, my eyes glued to his eyes and his to my eyes - we knew there was mutuality. Mutuality in a jiffy.


He started talking to his other friends again and turned his back away from mine but I stayed on the same position, the same place. I won't go anywhere. I'm with him for that night. I don't care what people say, I miss the person more so the emotion of being with him.


I started talking too to my closest friend, Mr. Gray. I was catching up with him since he just graduated and will be teaching kids soon. Afterwards, our tete-a-tete was inclining toward relentless topics on monogamy, exclusivity, rekindling, and reconciling. Suffice to say and unconsciously I might add that the topics were for me and Mr.Gray. 


Oh and just to make this story juicier, Kalv courted Mr.Gray before he courted me. Come to think of it, I was primarily scared because I thought I'll be the rebound guy. Hello? That's a possibility.


Going back. My conversation with Mr.Gray is turning serious so I have to lighten it up so I tugged Kalv to lift the dark cloud from Mr.Gray's mind. Hahaha! The three of us talking without the knowledge from our friends of our history is so funny.


I was constantly holding on to Kalv's arm, sometimes fisting, um, punching him on his right shoulder when he teases me about us. The night is starting to warm up. Luckily.


Part 3

Of Fashionistas, Flirts, and Epic Fails

I was anxious, discombobulated, and confused. I can't stop glancing at him.


Maybe he's unaware. Maybe he's aware. I don't know. What should I do if he sees me looking at him? Arrrrgggghhhh!


A million questions, racing thoughts already popping in and out of my brain while the gang was looking for a place to chill for the rest of the night. I was that psychotic.


The hot and humid climate didn't help either. On the outside, I was flushing and profusely perspiring. But on the inside, I was chilly, like a ghost or a person already having algor mortis.


Awkward is what I can truly say.


Bah! Let it be. I'm there to have fun and to support my friend. I'm not there to flirt and flip to his arms.


And yet his arms were ever so inviting, his chest were ever so comforting, and his lips were ever so accommodating. Damn the temptation, damn you temptation!


They decided to finally sit down at Gilligan's after choosing either Bed, Pier One, or Hooters (Hooters?). Some already went home but we were still a large group. We all sat down on a long table which could accommodate our number. I sat on the other side, Kalv sat on the opposite side. I was sitting near the edge of the other side while he was seating near the edge of the other.


Seeing him talk to the other guys made me so jealous. Yes, I'm that possessive, so guys, be careful of me. Hahaha! Anyway, the more he was conversing, exchanging thoughts and puns made me realize how much I truly missed that person. That person who on our first meet-up was able to make my bones shiver with excitement and my flesh tingle with delight. I apologize. I mean my body tingle with delight. :)


Seeing him talk to other guys made me so worrisome. In a sense that, well, I worry about a lot of things. That's innate. I was worrying how will he get home, who will he go home with, what will he ride going home? Worthless, purposeless, useless questions that just makes my stay with him a bit more tussled.


About an hour of drinking and bashing each other with insults and mocks, some already left because of work the next day. It was already nearly midnight and some of us have a life other than partying. But not me. I was there for him, hopefully catching up with him and what's going on with his life. No, it's not snooping. I'm just interested.


From a large group to a smaller, more audacious crowd, going near him would need mustering up all the courage I have collected from the span of time that I wasn't able to see and touch him. Or, when we finally bade each other goodbye.


I neared his seat. No one is seating on his right side. The perfect chance to approach the guy. Was I blushing? Slight. But it doesn't matter. I wanna place my hand on his and squeeze it tight even for a moment. I was being sappy beyond my wildest dreams. Mushy beyond my always civil emotional state. I was in every way, Guyrony that my friends never saw before.


Little by little I sat next to him. He looked a bit surprised but was still able to manage a faint smile. 


Can I just say: awwww...


Part 2

Something to Ponder About

Moving On Takes Time.




Letting Go Takes Time.




Forgiving Takes Time.




All Someone Really Needs is to Take Time.

Something to Ponder About

Leaving Someone isn't Abandonment.








It is Acceptance of Defeat or A Truce.

The Flattery Game

According to Webster's College Dictionary:


Flattery is an act of excessive or insincere praise.


I have been and I'm pretty sure most of you have been flattered, up to the rim. And it is an ego boost, you could even claim it to be THE much needed ego boost.


You look great!


Dude, you're cute.


You're getting buff.


These are just some of the words uttered in order for someone to feel great about themselves. May it be at the office, in the gym, at the dance floor or any other random venues you could think of.


It is also a human trap. It makes your mind think that the person who told you that likes you. The mind assumes while the body presumes. There is mutuality between the two unique entities. And so, the more you get flattered, the more you get distracted, euphoric even, not because of chemical substance but because of verbal substance.


A guy looking for a potential prospect will in any way he can do everything in order to sleep with you. Agree? You should because that is the reality of life. Amateurs, newbies, neophytes, intermediate, advanced and professionals know this.


How many times have you fallen for this? Wherein you're not even looking for something intimate, not even smacks and hugs but at the end of the whole schema, you'd end up in bed - with a guy you barely even know.


I have lost count. Maybe it's the face, the way he slithers his body unto mine, the harassing stares, or the flowery words he use. Or maybe it's the sum of all. Whatever it is, they got me, and oh, they got me good.


My point? I'm not even looking for a hook-up, consciously. I wasn't giving a damn to the world. I was great on my own, sex or no sex. But it happened. And it is frustrating for my part.


But I was looking for someone, consciously. I was giving a damn to the whole relationship scene. I was awesome with someone, sex or no sex. But it didn't happen. Sigh.


The idealism of looking for that one person whom you can share your life with. Isn't there. I did share it with someone but for just one night, one freaking night.


How satirical it is that fate presses you an offering you don't even need at that moment and yet, you took the bait.


I'm exhausted by this fact because I have loved, yes, loved with a capital D on these guys who merely saw me as plaything, that's what I felt after, a mere plaything. Although not to the point of feeling like a rag because I did enjoy my time with them, I was thinking we could get to know better after, hang-out, go on dates but it's just not happening.


They think just because someone who dances well or looks cute in the dark is worth going to bed, only to bed. Nothing more.


They think just because I look like (insert reproductive organ or body orifice here), I'm worth their libido. Nothing more.


They think just because I reciprocate with their use of sugar-coated words, I'm worth their erection. Nothing more.


Well, I have yet and again learned my lesson. Gullibility was never intended yet, gullibility was the game played initially.


That's it, I just got exhausted.