Something to Ponder About

To Interrogate the Purpose of Thyself,



Is to Interrogate the Existence of Thyself. 

The Jerjermon

With all the hype surrounding the controversial Jejemons and their breed, I think it's fair to say that I focus this post on something better. Ahem! :)

Jerjer - an act involving explicitly forbidden interaction by partner or partners, heterosexual and homosexuals alike.

What The Fuck?

This was my first question to my friend who introduced me to this new term, jologs as it may sound but still quite catchy and that time, only a very few, selected, horny people know the word. Thank God I'm one of them. Hahahaha!

There is no denying that the young adolescent is tagged as the age range wherein the sex hormones are surging, elevating, increasing at an alarmingly rate. This could be a good or bad thing but I think it's good. Maybe, even better.

Ah, yes, the power of the youth is very much prominent and displayed through our hunger for jerjer. The pleasure it wields is satisfying, well, at least for the next couple of hours until we seek out for more flesh.

A wolf in search of its next prey, a lion ready to pounce a nearby mammal, a vulture out to scavenge for a new carcass. That's an adolescent in jerjer mode, in which I was so fondly doing. That time I wasn't thinking of hurting anyone nor trying to commit. Bam! Bam! Bam! One after the other, tireless and full of libido, this went on for years.

I can still remember one time when I was so frustrated with my parents that I locked myself upstairs and watched the television, you know those hook-up channels where some are looking for textmates and others were looking for fun? I was fond of those. Hell, I was hooked to those. Pun intended.

Everyone has everyone: guys looking for girls, girls looking for guys, girls looking for either girls or guys, guys looking for either guys or girls, guys looking for guys, the match-making is endless and it got my mouth water with flesh meat, I mean, fresh meat.

I remembered making a volley of texts to this guy who was living nearby, had a car and wants to pick me up from our meet-up point. After waiting for him for a few minutes, there I was, giving him a head while he drives to his fuck fortress.

After one steamy and raunchy humpback riding plus bodily fluid squirting, resolution phase came and it was time to bid farewell. That was one heck of a hook-up but my body, my frustration, is still brewing up and in order to relieve it, I had to hook myself again.

I need satisfaction and I need it now!

That was my former motto. God! I miss those times! I'm a good boy now. WEH! 

After one hook-up I went home and locked into the room again only to chat with another guy who lives far, well, sorta far but is willing to pay the price for a booking.

We met at a 24 hour store and went to our house, good thing is that I perfectly timed it when all of the people are out to buy groceries. Wahahahaha! The Porn gods are really providing me with my much needed blessing.

There wasn't any penetration involved just the usual OS but it was long. My mouth got tired, I thought I was going to have a lock jaw. The session ended with an explosive celebration. I had enough for one day.

And I think I had enough of this in my lifetime.

That phase is now over but the good thing is, I've gotten more in control with my urges and hunger pangs! 

The good old days still linger. Memories will only be kept concealed in my safe box. Only those who I shared it with are the privileged few men.

Ajerjerjer!

Something to Ponder About

The Very Reason why You Think Someone is Worth Loving,



Can be The Very Reason why You Think Someone is Worth Leaving. 

The Circle

I have to confess something...

One of the reasons why I blogged is for me to widen my social circle, or more specifically, bloggers social circle. You see, I don't really have peers, gay peers to hang-out and have fun with. Sure, I do have some gay friends but the thing is, they're just connected through me and not really as me with them and vice-versa.

Then, the most wonderful thing happened to me last year, I met a certain famous blogger through an anonymous meet-up and because I so love his blog that after seeing him for the first time up close and personal, it changed my way on seeing things. 

I was more surprised when he invited me to his Birthday Party (partey! To you guys!) because I wasn't really expecting that to happen but it did. The day came to go to his partey and there I met a ton of bloggers of different interests and perspectives. 

Of course, I haven't or I didn't like some of their posts but what the heck, some don't like sunshine and some don't like drizzles, so what?!

Anyway, after that event, I didn't come out drunk and with a throbbing headache as some did but it was a life-changing situation. It altered me forever. It got me thinking to a psychological-philosophical extent.


One of this famous bloggers' friend, J, even asked for my name four times. I was like: did you drink your Sustagen Premium already? But of course I was just kidding, the guy's mind is just flooding from wine that time. Hello, memory impairment. 

But now, J and I, according to what I can sense, is that we're close, great acquaintance close. Right? :) 

What I'm trying to say is that I did get in their circle, heck, we even hang-out sometime at J's place. It's always fun to be with them, never and I say this with full testimony and conviction that there really is no dull moment with them even when eating breakfast at a Tapsi store in Sampaloc. Hilarious as they all are, as we all are, we share some common interests (boys, sex, hook-ups, bed preference, theater?, etc.). 

It's also worth noting that although I still get a little bit scared and awkward when gay guys unite for a cause (Working Abroad, New Year celebration, or Just for the sake of getting drunk). I have come a long way from being a semi-wallflower a.k.a poster a.k.a portrait from the first partey to the latest one. I can still remember how I was bowing all the time because they seem to know each other so well but I don't even have anyone to talk to aside from an acquaintance I earlier met that week.

Their company is something that I always look forward when J texts me/us for invites on some flirting/basking/gallivanting/leisure walking/boy-hunting escapades. 

But one thing in my mind lingers and I don't think it can ever be erased...

I won't date anyone in the circle. Anyone. Ever. 

Not even a fellow blogger. 
 

Something to Ponder About

Ignorance is Bliss,


Bliss is Being In Love,


Ergo, Being in Love is Ignorance.  

Of Facades, Windows, and Masks

The Johari Window is a psychological tool to better understand a person's interpersonal relationship and communication. It has Four panes in which every pane describes who or who you are not. Confusing? Here let me explain it further:

From the upper left corner is the first pane which is what you see and what other people see as your personality. 

Second pane is the upper right corner which is what you don't see but what others see as your personality.

The third one is the lower right corner pane which can be explained by the most mysterious, enigmatic, and unknown part of us because it can neither be seen by the person per se nor by others NO matter how close they are. 

And last but not the least is the lower left corner pane which is your personality that only you know and oblivious to others.

This is a very interesting topic for the reason that it covers a broad spectrum on point of view: from being a son, being a brother, being a friend, being a lover, being a professional, being a caregiver, being a blogger, being a homosexual.

Are we all multi-faceted?

Do we really have an invisible mask to hide imperfections or perhaps, hints of quirkiness?

Part 1

Something to Ponder About

Sometimes Your Best Decisions,





Are the Worst to the Person Involved. 

WHY?

I think every thing has a reason, I believe every thing has a reason, and I know every thing has a reason. 

Which is why I put this blog up. 

Six months ago, I really didn't have any intentions, I was happy with the way things were. I was an avid blog hopper and blog reader but never a blogger.

Good thing is that after a while, I decided to join the bandwagon. No one forced me to enter, it was myself that decided it was time to blog.

What were my reasons?

A lot! And the fact that I'm the type of person who likes to write and read contributed to it.

This also serves as my personal diary, entries in my life, and an autobiography of some sort. Of course it's all informally written. 

But the most important reason why I decided to establish a blog, this blog is because I want to tell what I feel, to ask the question I can never ask people about:

What is it like to live as a homosexual? 

It really started with that simple question aside from the weight problems and career roadblocks I'm experiencing, the question above sums it all up.

I know that experiences vary from person to person, some go through it like it's just there. And some go through it like a treacherous terrain of wilderness and the bitter note of the unknown. Fortunately, I took the latter.

With an array of what I had foreseen, what I had endured, what I realized, what I took, how I was able to cope, how I was able to conclude, how I was able to fish myself out, how I was able to think according to.

I think I've grown, I believe I've grown, I  know I've grown as a Proud Homosexual Man.

But of course, there is still much to do and learn. Much, much more. :) 

Cheers to my 100th post!   

Weird

Friday. 9:00am, Manila Time. At a dentist's clinic.

After more than a year and 3 months of wearing braces I finally had it removed. Actually the dentist advised me to have it taken out on its anniversary but being the stubborn me, I let it stay for another quarter.

What can I say, I have long since wanted one because for vanity and health purposes but really more for vanity. You see, I have two malocclusions on both sides after the teeth I call Bugs Bunny Teeth because of being more prominent than the others. It has been there since I turned into a teen or tween. Shucks! 

So the first thing I did with my first (or maybe the second) paycheck is to have braces. I immediately went to our family dentist, asked the estimate for the damages, uh, expenses then thought of a picture of me having braces.

Then came the hardest part. It was placing the braces. It was excruciatingly painful! And while the dentist was drilling a small portion of my teeth so that it would be aligned when the metal will be put in place, my hands were in praying position just because I want the misery to stop!

I don't want this anymore! My mind kept yelling and my heart was beating faster than usual. The drilling sound made me feel worse and I just had to endure and just had cling to dear life!

Just kidding.

I already made a mind set way before I even got circumcised that I wanna have braces so the last thing that I will do is back-out from the plan and just make a refund.

And besides, this is for the best, for my best. Hahaha!

The first time that I made an appointment for the braces to be tightened, I had no idea it would hurt badly, like being continuously pounded by a, uh, hammer?

(Naughty thoughts flooding)

It was really painful and the pain will remain for a couple of days of which in those days, no hook-ups just because. No further explanation involved. 

I remembered how each month I would shudder by the thought of having it re-adjusted over and over again for my teeth to be aligned. That damn drill is just a wee bit scary and horrifying. Think mad scientist decapitating bodies of people for his lucrative and diabolical experiments.

Good thing is that that's all over and now I have the privilege of eating what I like (!) without the meddling of those stupid pasta or egg noodles stuck between the crevices of my braces. I go back to my pig-fest and eat till my heart's content and won't be bothered by leafy vegetables dangling from a spontaneous corner in my set of teeth. And last but not least, I can do someone without having to worry that it would make a scar. Sorry, hehe, just had to post that one. :)

As of this moment, I just ate, I haven't brushed and I will take a nap in a bit. I miss my braces and I miss it badly. We have been through tough and glorious times together, we have shared a lot of experiences, memorable or horrible. And, we have been bonded, literally.

Anxiety Separation with an inanimate object?!

Oh dude, you're just too weird...

P.S. Signature band color: Sky Blue!

What's it Like to Be Me

Binge. Purge. Exercise. Hungry. Binge. Purge. Feel guilty. Exercise. Binge. Purge.

This used to be my cycle when I was already a junior in college, being a small, fat, couch potato kid really made a lot of difference when I was growing up. Insecurities rose. Low self-esteem elevated. Personal physical concept morphed.

All took a toll on me, all made me someone very pessimistic, anhedonistic, negativistic. Define Devil Wears Osh Kosh B' Gosh. I was that kid. Although at an early age I somehow managed to be civil and friendly especially when I'm with my relatives or some family and friend gatherings.

You see, growing up fat, heck ,morbidly obese, you get taunted a lot, mocked a-plenty, insulted incessantly, and humiliated repeatedly. I was the center of the attention and not in a good way.

So over the years I have come to accept what I am, who I am and how I am as a person. My mom would always pressure me and nag at me to lose weight, which, being a rebellious teen would make me just cringe at her and go outside our home so as not to hear her talk about my body weight anymore.

People should accept me for who I am. That was always what I say when we argue about dieting and banishing my oh-so-priceless love handles.

But as I grew older, I somehow felt rejected by the society. I somehow felt indifferent, very, very indifferent. And it didn't help that I ate a lot during night time. Midnight snacks are a must.

Then one day it hit me, I could be someone better. It was a realization I had been longing to surface from my innermost thoughts.

I started dieting, avoiding junk foods and sodas for afternoon snacks and sacrificing those precious grains of rice for the sake of being a better me.

With that I also went jogging with my cousins. One round and it got me all sweating and gasping for air. That was some start but at least I started than not having started at all. :)

Over the months, I started curbing my appetite, choosing green leafy over fried and fatty. It really contributed that I have my cousins to back me up and vice-versa.

From over than my Ideal Body Weight to Nearly There Body Weight, good things really come to those who know how to wait and with the discipline to wait. Was I happy with the results? Not so.

Before I even stepped into College, I used to buy this local magazine named FWD (short for Forward) and it contains a heap of interesting articles from exercises to trends to models. Yum! Models! And so, every time I buy and turn the pages I would ogle over the models' hot bodies wishing that somehow, I could be like them, not necessarily height wise because that would be impossible but physicality-wise. And with that, I tried to strive harder to lose weight but it seems that envy is such a fiend that I would end up eating more than what I exercised for. So for a while the equation of my daily caloric intake is unequal to the output: 

Food Input < Food Output

Which made me feel worse, which made me feel more guilty, which made me feel sadder. I wasn't going nowhere! My weight is still the same! Why is this happening to me?

Soon after, I spiraled into deep shit, excuse my French. I was confused for the longest time. I needed to vent out and I needed to do it fast!

Some people told me to put up pictures of guys with great bodies around my room to get me motivated but for me, it just doesn't work. It works the other way around. I get uninspired and so unmotivated.

Then school work started to pile up, the paperworks we had to do was just amazingly voluminous. Document after document, client interview after client interview, type after type. My viewpoint of becoming thinner took a standstill and I concentrated on what matters most.

By the time I hit Junior year, my thinking changed and I told myself again that I need to be better on how I perceive myself. Not a little, fat, me but of someone who could actually make something, do something, tell something, and change something. So, I exercised again in order to be better, yeah, I missed the good old days I would jog with my cousins but that was a long time ago, we all have our busy schedules to match and we all have so many deadlines to finish.

Uh-oh.

School work plus Stress plus Body Image Disorder plus Anxiety led me to my binge-purge episodes. At first, the feeling of vomiting what you just ate gave me a sense of accomplishment, that somehow, I was tricking my mind into thinking that I ate. Then I noticed some changes in my body; I think slower, I move slower, I feel slower and my body feels heavier. And also, I noticed that every time I would eat and vomit, I would feel hungry again. Looks like the joke's on me this time. So it became a vicious cycle for me. 

Sure, my parents and siblings got so worried what's happening to me, that every time we would finish eating I would go to the wash room and turn on the faucet real long and just be there for about 30 minutes. Then one day, my mom found out what I was doing because I forgot to clean up the evidence of my dirty and unlawful act. She saw bits and pieces of meat and vegetables all swirling around the lavatory. Gross as it may sound but yes, it is definitely gross.

She told me to stop but how could I? I'm not yet that perfectly chiseled model I see and drool over at magazines. I still don't have a waist line of an anorexic teenage girl. I was feeling ambivalent but the idea of being an ideal still took control of me.

Every time I would eat I would feel guilty, every time I threw up I would feel all mighty and powerful. You see the analogy? Here I am looking absolutely normal and decent inside and outside campus but once I get home I turn into a ravaging, low self-esteem, fugly monster. I do have friends but most of the time, I don't confide in them for the reason that I may seem too preoccupied with myself. And that was absolutely true.

So, after a long bout with my id, ego and superego, I turned to our school psychologist for help.

With a lot of recollection, thought-rambling and mind-boggling hoo-hah's, she instilled in me light and that's what I truly appreciated her for that.

I'm not afraid to say that yes, I did see a psychologist because I badly needed to. People have this notion that when you see a psychologist you're some mad man out on the streets ready to slay people with your imaginary chainsaw or something like that. But that's not really what my case or what most cases are all about. 

I tried reaching out to my family but they are just people whom I know I can't depend on some things so I let that go. I tried reaching out to my friends and classmates but academics are our main priority that time and so I let that go also. I wasn't a blogger then nor do I read anything online so talking to a person who may know what I'm feeling through online messages is next to nothing. I reached out to a Psychologist and well, she seemed to be worthy of my trust and what I have to say to her so why not? At that point in my life and time, WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE?


I didn't turn bulimic because according to what the Diagnostic Statistics Manual say about bulimics is that you should have a binge-purge episode of at least 3 times a week in a span of 3 months. My episodes were shorter than that.

Thank goodness I overcame that ordeal and came out as a winner. Do I still feel insecure about myself? Yes. Do I still feel fat sometimes? Yes. Do I still feel like I'm the ugliest person in the world? Yes. But when I think about it again, most of us does and it doesn't bother me the way it bothered me back then that I have to see someone in order to feel accepted.

My market value appreciated. 

But up to what extent?

Something To Ponder About

If Crazy Means Deviating from Social Norms,


Then We Go Crazy Every so Often. 

Something To Ponder About

Waste of Time,


Is the Most Expensive Luxury of Men. 

Proven Worthy

I'll come out when I'm already an independent person, emancipated and living my life as what I intended it to be.

This was what I used to say when I was younger and still very fearful, no, highly-terrified of coming out.

I admit and most of us would like to admit that being a homosexual, we are given the stereotypic notion that we are feeble, soft and weak. Aside from the other adjectives that narrow-minded people use to demoralize us.

Good thing is that times are a-changing and gone were the days that we were mostly judged by who we are and not of what we are capable of. 

I completely disagree with people that gays are weak, on the contrary, we are stronger than what most people think, what most people judge us, what most people perceive us.

They think Heterosexuals are tough, sure they are but Homosexuals are tougher, living in a presumably hetero-dominated world. 

Don't we all want to make an impact? Something that could make us feel that even though some people see us as queer in a literal and figurative way, we know we can make a difference and make a stand.

Which is why I think we want to prove ourselves much, much, much better. Defying the limits of social norms and constrictions, we all move to make something out of tolerated criticizing.

Self-determined, witty, diplomatic, and self-reliant, these are just some of what I have seen displayed and portrayed by gays. Very fine words of description indeed.

Are our efforts being recognized? Yes and no.

Yes, because I have seen a lot of gay guys being affirmed to a higher state of living due to their unending efforts in the industry they took and no, because some straight executives see them as mere immoral, deplorable beings. It still is widely seen and executed but, what the heck, we're here to put an end to these, to all of these.

What's totally cool and awesome is that the criticisms, discriminations, and embarrassments we receive are our driving force on what behold us in the future. We turn perfectly negative comments into something, fabulous. And we don't return it to our detractors the same way they did it to us, we do it in our own positive, dignified way. 

The Icing on The Cake

Friday, April 16 2010, 13:00, Manila Time. At Workplace.

Me: Can I ask you something?

Waited for 30 minutes.

Ex: Sure, what's that?

Me: Why'd you fall out of love from me?

Waited for another 30 minutes.

Ex: Because I couldn't trust you.

Me: Why is that?

Ex: It seems that everything you say, I'm not believing anymore. I'm not believing you anymore.

Me: Can you tell me some instances?

Ex: I don't need to enumerate those to you.

Ouch to the 8th power!

But I take this as a criticism, a painful one. 

Thanks for lighting my life for a brief time. :) 
 

Something To Ponder About

The Simplest Miscommunication,


Can Have the Greatest Consequences. 

The Lesser Evil

Masturbation. Yes you read it correctly, masturbation. Heck, this could very well be my favorite past time aside from blogging and reading blogs.

Well, why not? It puts me to sleep and gets me going. I know, it's a man's secret weapon. Wahahaha! Plus the fact that I don't hook-up with every single homosexual Filipino I meet. Call me feeling clean, it doesn't matter.

Truth is, I would rather masturbate than have random sex it saves me a lot of time and effort to go into a guy's place. All I need is me, my hands, my imagination, my private place and my computer.

Sadly, I haven't used the computer to watch porn and ascend into heaven. You see my cousin from the US came about a couple of weeks ago and decided to stay with us and, well, my grandparents most of the time also stays at our home if they have any pertinent appointments in Manila. The point is my Grandfather can not go up the stairs anymore because of arthritis and old age so he resorted to staying in the living room area where the computer is located. Yes, boys and gays, not all people owns a portable lappie.

For two weeks, I haven't accessed porn sites. I miss my imaginary playmate Brent Corrigan. Hahaha! Sorry if this is getting too explicit for your taste, I'm just venting out my current emotion on the situation. 

Come on, fess' up! We are species of much culminating libido, of much conquering pleasure principle and of creating a peak for comfort. This has been scientifically researched and studied. Kidding aside, I'm just rationalizing the whole point of my act.

I do this twice a day, thrice if I'm lucky enough not to be a sluggard. I do this when I go home from work before taking a nap and before I go to sleep, usually by midnight so no one can hear me moan. 

I don't own stacks and stacks of porn videos, my reason? Why bother when the internet provides a cornucopia of such? It's too redundant and usually cd's get busted after watching it over and over again. Oh well ,that's the price you pay for dibidi-like quality.

Are my grandparents still here? Yes they are. My cousin went to Singapore and Thailand earlier this day and will be back by Sunday in which he will stay for four more days before heading to Hawaii by Thursday to attend a family friend's wedding. So most likely, I would get to do my oh-so-sacrilegious act while watching on our desktop by Friday night. Oh, my patience is really wearing me off but I will have to endure.

Go Guyrony, you can do it! 



But then again, my Ipod Nano will have to suffice. Darn it!

I Quit!

And yes, after more than six months of still not finishing that damn book Sophie's World, I now officially close it and tuck it away in my cabinet for safekeeping.

Don't get me wrong, the book is very informative, think Edith Hamilton's Mythology but with a storyline. The problem is it is very dull. Sure comparisons are inevitable just for the sake of illustrating what the author wants to provide to the readers from the Philosopher's point of view but I just find it too dragging.

The anonymous lecturer still with his ever, vigilant self in order to provide Sophie with that hint of mystery as to who he is and what his genuine intentions are. A major play of hide and seek. Not so much fun there.

And Sophie, the much intrigued school girl, perplexed, confused, but very willing to learn from the lecturer. She takes note of all what she learned from every Philosopher- from the beginning of thinking up to what I lately read, Plato's idealisms.

I guess that sums up what the book has taught me, uh, hmmm, wait, there is? I can't remember what significance it taught me. I'm sure there is something aside from killing time.

Oh well, after reading and finally finishing Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist last January I think I deserve some book pampering and let me tell you it's not an easy task because of my limited patience, limited resources, and limited attention span.

I decided to drop by National Bookstore after going to the supermarket to buy some things. At the back of my head I was thinking of what authors I can choose from:

Lualhati Bautista?

Jessica Hagedorn?

Dan Brown?

Danielle Steel?

Mitch Aibom?

Miguel Syjuco?

F. Sionil Jose?

Joel McVie?

Gibbs Cadiz?

Danton Remoto?

Neil Garcia?

David Zincenko?

Dr. Phil?

With much rounds and looking at gists at the back of the books which nearly took me an hour just to decide THE BOOK for which I can allot my time and effort to I decided I'm gonna play safe plus the fact that collecting his books will be a life long dream. I decided to pick:

Veronika Decides to Die.

I figured I don't need self-help and fitness books this time. More so romantic and titillating themes. And more importantly, I abhor any politically-related books. Bah! Call me insensitive or don't-give-a-rat's-ass but that's me when it comes to the colorful world of Governance. 

The overview goes: Twenty four year old Veronika seems to have everything-youth and beauty, boyfriends and a loving family, a fulfilling job. But something is missing in her life.

Quite inspiring. I have to open and read it to know what's missing.

Hymen?

Clitoris?

Just kidding. This is something profound. 

Something To Ponder About

The Worst Self-doubts You Had.


Was To Bring Out The Best In You. 

A Good News

Received this Letter a while ago before heading to the gym. And it read:

Dear Mr. (Insert Pseudonym Here);

This is to acknowledge receipt of your application on January 22,2010. We wish to inform you that as per assessment you are qualified for Nurse I position.

However, at the moment we do not have any vacancy for the said position. We shall place you in the pool of qualified applicants for Nurse I position for possible consideration should there be vacancy within six (6) months to vie with other applicants. 

Thank you.

Very Truly yours,

Churvakels Director



Bloggers' Note: At least there is something I could look forward to and not unlike those hospitals who say: We'll just call you. For the nth time.

And last but not least, I transferred to a new gym. Hhhhhaaaaayyyyy! I can not relate to Mixed Martial Arts. So Straight! 

Chance or Choice?

Maria is a teenager who was temporarily surrendered to the institution a few days ago. The mother, who was there the whole time with Maria is a jobless 50 year old widow who earns 1,000 pesos a month from doing odd jobs. She is an undergraduate and most of her/ their money was spent on hospitalization of her husband before she passed away. They have four kids: The oldest is a guy aged 34, College Undergraduate and jobless, the second is a girl aged 30, College Undergraduate and jobless, the third is a girl as well aged 27, College Graduate, with an occupation but has a family and last one is Maria aged 14 and never stepped into any form of formal education.

What's wrong with Maria then?

Well first of all she has mental retardation with an Intelligence Quotient Level of Profound which means that if an average person has an IQ ranging from 71 - 90 then Maria's IQ is estimated to be below 20.

Mental Retardation is a stigma, any form of mental disability or handicap is but they didn't want that to happen to them. I think no one would want that to happen to them.

Anyway, so Maria is a case of a profound child. She has to be maximally supervised, she has to be dependent on others, and she can not perform any type of Activities of Daily Living. Even eating is and will be a chore for anyone who takes care of her. And also, she can't be educated in any way although training her to do some simple chores will be quite a challenge.

Maria's mom came in at the clinic looking so wasted and stressed. She was a little disoriented, as for the reason, I'm not the right person to ask her primarily. They came in with everything Maria belongs: from clothes to toiletries to toys. Looks like she'll be here for a long haul.

Her mom caressed her hair while she sat on her lap. A mother and child. A jobless mother and a retarded child.

As the mom slowly let her grip go, she stood up and said, Maria, I'll visit you this Sunday. And with that, she left with her friend who was waiting outside while Maria, unknown to the situation, unknown to the people, unknown to the environment, unknown to the culture inside, silently sat on a chair her mother provided.

According to the data, Maria's mom just needs a year to start something like a business, a regular paying job, a stable job then after establishing herself, she will return back to the institution to have Maria back in her arms again.

52 weeks of not being with her.

365 and 1/4 days of not be able to hug her at night.

12 months of them being separated.

Given all the circumstances above, would you have done the same thing to the same situation?

And, Maria's mom didn't visit her last Sunday. 





 

Something To Ponder About

The Greatest Experiences.

Only Come to Those Who Willingly and Patiently Wait. 

Something To Ponder About

Mantra for the day ahmmmmm....


A Better Me Than Yesterday. 

Laugh Trip

23:18. Manila Time. Blogger's Residence.

I silently opened the computer after getting bored with playing Marvel vs. Capcom 2. Thankfully. I remembered the days  when I was so hooked up with this game that I trashed my books and notebooks just to play this at a mall or at my cousin's house. 

I'm way over that phase anymore, now I play toys for the big boys (who likes boys). Hahahaha! Just kidding.

The computer screen lit up and made that TOOT sound typical of ancient, prehistoric desktops of yore. I patiently waited for it to load while simultaneously went to our neighbor/cousin's house to check what he's doing.

Apparently he's playing Monster Rancher 4 and was so busy raising the monsters that I had to go home to start my browsing.

Blogspot, Facebook, Yahoomail, GSMArena, and Phonearena. These are the sites that I initially open. 

Log-in, log-in, log-in, check, check, click, click, click, change windows, change tabs, scroll down, scroll up, back then forward then browse again, read, read , read. I'm really living my life as a certified bum. Very nice!

But then...

I chanced upon my Yahoomail: Kharmz sent you a message in Friendster.

Cool! I was thinking of those spam messages again about how you could have a mobile phone for free or those stupid widgets in Friendster that no one uses anyway but, because I'm the type who doesn't want some trash message in my inbox I decided to open it.

I typed in friendster.com at the Opera Browser, waited a few seconds, humming like a complete lunatic then the site opened up.

Username: Check! 

Password: Check!

Oooh! Friend Request! I gladly clicked on the link and saw that Kharmz is adding me up. A girl! Blech! But then again, more friends in FS equals more friends in FS, nothing more, nothing less!

I accepted the request then went back to the Main Page, went to messages to check what this Kharmz person wants to say.

*Click

Kharmz: Hey, you really look cute even if you're a bi.

No, dear Kharmz, I'm simply beautiful.

Nyahahaha! 
 
 

Accounts

Friendster. The one that started it all. It was THE networking site during those heydays. If you don't have Friendster you're uncool, not in, corny. Yeah, yeah, yeah I get it that's why I signed up because of much pressure and demand from friends and acquaintances.

You don't have Friendster? Asked my ever inquisitive friend.

I don't. I don't need to. Actually, the main reason I don't have any account that time is because I'm so lazy to compose one. Most people like the idea of typing down every one bit of themselves but I'm just not into that so much. Your status, favorite books, movies, food, hobbies, and so on and so forth. It was too strenuous for my brain to even think, type, delete typos and reread the whole page again as if I'm doing my thesis over and over and over again.

Correct. I am just being too critical about this but, hey, I have Friendster (or FS) and it's still up and running. So old school of me. Hahaha!

Then Multiply came, oh, if I could just remember my cousins faces about this new site! They were telling me that it was the best! You could upload tons of pictures and videos and you could personalize it more than FS. They were urging me to make a Multiply account then we could get connected again. At the back of my head I was thinking, WTF! We're already connected through FS, Yahoomail and even by blood! Why do we need to connect more? And so, I didn't give in to their concomitant teasing and forcing. I made it clear that I'm not interested in Multiply. Go ahead, Multiply all you want.

Oh Em Dyi! The mother of all mother of networking site came and it became such a rave. The name says it all...Facebook! It became THE NETWORKING SITE and still is, FYI. The Facebook Generation arrived with its uncanny updates over the air, mini game applications that most people are getting addicted to, and last but not least are the statuses that people consider very seriously factual. For the longest time I was straying away from all of this because it's such a drag to make another one again... Let's see...

I have Yahoomail, Friendster, ManJam, Planet Romeo, Facelink. Downlink... think, think, what other accounts do I have? Hi5 and Plurk and Blogspot. Man! Quite a few and quite a hustle to maintain but the good thing is that I'm moon shining and most of these accounts I mentioned are actually non-existent. 

And so, because I want to be hip, cool, in with the latest, and a fad follower, I created a Facebook account. It was very discreet. Very, very discreet. I silently invited my cousins and after a few days my College classmates and then it grew from there but still not as many as FS with about 700 friends which 95% are clueless who I am, but anyway, I'm happy with that and we all know it can't be helped if people sometimes add you in Facebook just to add a friend or just for their list or the numbers to soar high but for me I want to keep it to a minimum. Slowly, I opened up the door of my account to people I connected in parties and certain meet-ups.

I'm still hesitant to invite friends anonymously and I rarely, barely, really invite friends unless I personally have known them for quite some time. 

P.S. Sorry, I will never be interested to you Twitter. NEVERRRR!!!

P.P.S. And don't you find it interesting that FS is now a gay hook-up site?  

Cause I've Moved On...

The first time I saw you, you know you got me captivated from your smile, your lips, your hair, your face, everything was perfect. I was jittery when I came close to you, I introduced myself but with that hint of tremor in my hands. 

You were always the liberated one as what your clothes say and I do understand that even if I'm the conservative type. I know I've got a long way to go on how you dress up but that's fine I was there to adjust for you.

You were always the type who isn't afraid on what you think, always the outspoken one between the two of us. Hehe. I guess you were truly magnificent.

You were always cheerful, every time we got together your aura just sets the right mood in order to not just make me feel right but make me feel good as well. I had always admired you for that.

You were always the strong-willed person I had known since day one, disciplinarian as well with a dash of strictness and a pinch of joy. I was at your feet.

But, you never wanted to be with me, never wanted to be with somebody who could be there for you and I was crushed, my heart ached but what can a guy do? I was rejected and I can't force you to love me.

A lot of times we would accidentally meet up in malls, you with some other guy, you with some one else, you with some one not me. Yes! Of course! I would be jealous! Who wouldn't be? After all the times we had shared? After all that we've been through? After all the highs and lows? After all the bouts and fights we had? Who wouldn't be jealous? Who wouldn't be mad for crying out loud?

But I had to respect your decision, most of the time I would just think that this is for the best for both of us. I had to make a mind-set, painful as it may seem, I had to do it. And, when I did that, I just can't take the risk of meeting you again.

I avoided you, made alibis to myself, I didn't succumb to what my mind was thinking...what if? What if you were ready? Unfortunately, my ego was still nurturing, it wasn't that easy, it wasn't that simple, it wasn't that plain to handle.

And so, for the longest time, I went into silence. 

Then, one day, with a jolt in my mind and a kick in my heart I told myself that I would be ready to meet you again, face you and hopefully had moved on. I was actually excited for that because it was a testament that I have matured, or at least have made it into that mental state wherein I could no longer be mad or angry when I see you.

We faced, yes, we made eye contact and I knew that there is nothing I feel for you anymore, none at all but thank you though the experiences I had with you were memorable...

Chun-li, I have moved on... 

Bwahahahaha! 

Something to Ponder About

The most subtle words...

Hurt us the deepest.