Shadow

T.K.O


You were totally knocked out at the back of the vehicle; unaware of the journey, unconscious of the ride, uninterrupted of the ruckus (if there were any).


Ten, twenty, thirty minutes and you are still out cold because of the tiredness of the body yet the mind was willing to sacrifice it all just for the sake of the club lights you have been anticipating. Forty five minutes and a quick jolt of the vehicle suddenly made you open your eyes and look to where you are currently into.


Aristocrat, Malate.


You look around and saw a light-less restaurant. Weird. You thought to yourself. Usually the weekends would be jam-packed with diners from all walks of life mostly eating their famous chicken barbecue. 


Hmmmm...pretty weird.


You go a little further and asked the driver to halt the vehicle. Upon alighting you look at Max's Restaurant and there were also no people, no lights inside. Freakishly weird. You felt a slight anxiety building up but then again, maybe they closed for the weekend. Or maybe the power went out? Maybe so.


Intermittently, your gaze reached the farthest part that you can which was Malate Church. And still, no hint of light. Your anxiety level went up a notch. Well, what happened to the lines? You started looking at the electric posts and all lines seemed to look fine albeit needing a slight replacement but overall, the lines were still fine. No cuts, no hanging live wires, no mouse chewing on them.


But you were still determined to party and have fun that night so you walk a very careful one. Step by step by step. You can only hear your footsteps one after the other. No other footsteps were heard nor made. And your heartbeat nearly thumping out of your chest. And like a lion to a gazelle, it was instinct to run. You ran from the alley to street corners to the road called Orosa-Nakpil.


Once reached the destination for the night you try and sense with your eyes and your ears if people were lining up outside O Bar or perhaps Che'lu or that videoke place called Synder. There were none. Your heavy breaths and sudden gushes of the wind were the only ones present. 


The place was more dead than a cemetery. At least there are roving guards but Malate as we know it, died that night.


Since there was no place to go, no guys to hang-out with and no partner to share the cold, slightly damp night,  the best place to go was home. You started walking from where you were running before, slightly hugging your jacket as if longing for something or someone. Yes, the night was a failure only if you think it is. Your shoes making that click-clack sound while slowly looking around the deserted area with surprise and wonder.


Uneasiness suddenly crept in like an aura to an epileptic client. You felt someone was watching, even staring every move you do, every breath you make, every click-clack of your shoes. You turn around and there was no one. Of course there are no one in sight, just like when you went down.


From Orosa-Nakpil to Adriatico you still have that gnawing feeling that someone really is staring at you and it was giving you the creeps. The small amount of hair located at your nape was slowly starting to rise and you try to place your arms around your body as if giving it more warmth, comfort and security. You walked faster, hoping that it was just too much paranoia going on and not some person who might swindle you of your cash, purity and grace. If the last two were still available for swindling.


Your slow pace increased in speed and your slow look around the area heightened. You were now doing a brisk walk, one where the heart rate goes up from 60 to 90 in a matter of five minutes. You were starting to huff slowly implying your shortness of breath.


Roxas Boulevard.


And now you were back from where you alighted earlier. You sighed over what happened. Nothing can be done now. Forget it, at least you can sleep peacefully at your home over a Saturday night. Oh well, hardly a deal breaker but sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it too.


Crossing to the other side now, you looked how calm the pitch, dark water of Manila Bay is. It was completely still even if your hair was still being blown by the air. And again, weirdness crept in but nonetheless, you were bound for home.


Now on the other side of the road you hailed a public vehicle bound to pass in front of your subdivision. You sat at the back, turned your Ipod on, plugged the earphones and well, slept till it was time to go down, again.


As the song 2012 by Jay Sean started playing, your mind went reminiscing: for him, with him, just him. Everything your mind thinks was no one but him, no matter how you try, no matter how you might persist. Avoidance was futile.


Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. You were repeating these words over and over like what Julia Roberts was saying to Robbie Williams in order for him to fly across Neverland in the movie Hook. 


Happy thoughts prevailed but it was all about him.


You cringed. You digressed. You winced. You were uncomfortable knowing that after all these months, your heart still longs for him. You tried your best or did you?


Opening your eyes trying to distract yourself, you look outside the travelling vehicle. Lights were lined up in an orderly fashion although the colors were bursting with spontaneity. And for the mean time, happy thoughts did not involve him.


For the first five minutes that is. And then his memories started to linger again now with more details - specific,  particular. You remembered how you used to run your finger across his hair and how you cup his chin and kiss him shortly. You remembered how you held his hands and how you placed it on your chest. You remembered how he smiles from the most superficial of stuffs and how he frowns from the deepest of things.


Everything. Even how many moles he has on his...


You cursed yourself silently while the passengers were soundly sleeping inside the vehicle. Tears were quietly flowing from your eyes to your cheeks to your shirt. You sniffed and wiped the carefully flowing stream ever so hopefully that it will also erase the regrets you had for the past months. But sadly it didn't.


You bent your upper torso towards your lower body to hide your emotions to the world. And from there, you were able to rest.


Thirty minutes went by with so much self-angst and pride burnt to ashes.You looked up and saw the overpass near your stop and after a few seconds you were down. Walking towards the tricycle station, you know it won't be a night worth remembering nor forgetting. This was a night of ambivalent feelings.


And finally you were able to reach home physically in one piece but emotionally in shards or whatever was left. With a quick bath and change of clothes you tumble to your bed of thorns and blanket of sand.


Hopefully an eternal sleep. 


One last look across your room you suddenly imagined his eyes peering unto you. Sincerely asking for reconciliation. 


For regrets haunt the most vulnerable of people.






Part 2


A tribute to an ex