The Hell Week That Was...

It was hell week for me. Yes, call it an emotional turmoil or distress. How I got out? I'm also still wondering .


Well yeah, I had people to talk to but that's it, come confrontation time and I tell them I'm fine. It's weird that I actually want to talk to someone about what bothers me most but my mind is telling me that I can handle it and I don't want to bother them anymore with my complaints, struggles and problems with life and living. I was even surprised when a blogger called me and out of nowhere I told him why my world was wracked on the worst of ways. After the call I was like WTF?! Did I just ranted over the phone during an international call? So to you, I apologize. I was being insensitive. Thank you for the call and the comfort. It was nice hearing your voice again. And B's voice too! :)


You know how I got stressed at the first day of the work week? Okay, here goes, it's not much but it took my insight to the highest level. Seriously, dude.


(Hahaha! I felt so straight on my last sentence)


Monday morning. I was happily doing my client rounds in the clinic while singing Beautiful by Christina Aguilera while the deers, rabbits, moose, antelopes, bears, raccoons, squirrels, canary birds, and owls were singing with me. 


(Snow White is datchu?)


Kidding. I was simply doing my routine for the morning when suddenly a friend of mine called over the phone:


Friend: Hey Guyrony!


Me: Hello, hello baby you called? I can't hear a thing. I have got no service in the club you see, you see. 


Hahaha! Sorry, kidding again.


Me: Hey M! Zup?


M: Nothing much. Me and bf went to Trinoma yesterday, spent quality time. We had a lot of fun together. I could really say that I love him now more than ever.


Me: Really? Good for you! See, you guys are really meant for each other.


M: Haha! Thanks. Oh yeah, saw Kalv with another guy, I think the guy is as tall as him, looks like his classmate.


(Shocked but kept composure)


Me: Really? That's nice.


M: Yeah, we saw them while bf and I were roaming around. Didn't say hi anymore. The guy really looked like  his classmate.


Me: Oookay. So, how was your day yesterday?


M: We just spent time in Trinoma and bonded together, pretty much that. Really happy with bf and I and yeah, saw Kalv.


(Hella pissed off)


Me: Wait, why do you have to keep telling me you saw him? 


M: Well I'm just informing you.


Me: Well you know I don't mind anymore. If it's a classmate or a friend or a date. I don't think I would care anymore.


(Client coming in for check-up)


Me: Will you excuse me? I gotta do some duties first. talk to you later, thanks!


M: Sure! Alright.


(End of mobile conversation)


Of course I was fuming mad! Not at my friend but at Kalv. See? I got out of the denial stage fast but still in stage of anger until this time and it has been nearly a month since we broke up. Call me dysfunctional. Whatever. And soon enough, like what I predicted, I already conjured, concocted, devised multiple questions in my mind.


Who was that guy?


Was he a classmate? Maybe.


A date? Could be.


A classmate? But he goes home every Saturday after class at 5pm? And he lives down south. And that was a Sunday.


Maybe a friend? You know what Guyrony, maybe.


Were they sweet together? I don't know, M didn't say anything.


Were they affectionate? Again, speculations dear Guyrony.


Is this the guy he replaced me with? Who knows, right?


You see I have this history, well, not history because it's still ongoing but what I'm saying is that I'm a very suspicious person. Not yet to the point of paranoia because that would be scary but you know, suspicious. So I really can't help but get stressed-out and unmotivated. I felt gloomy after ending our conversation.  


I immediately texted K because I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, raging.


Is it bitterness if let's say a friend saw your ex in a mall with someone and you suddenly felt sad for yourself?


And K answered.


Well it's all in the matter of thinking. We are after all human and at the back of your mind you're asking, why does he have to be happy first?


And you know what? He is precisely correct.


Why does someone who broke your heart have to feel happiness first? Your ego was hurt, your pride was smashed and your face was slapped  repeatedly and yet, he's happy and I'm here moping and gloating? 


Honestly, the world seemed too unfair that time. Too unfair ever since waking up one day you questioned your existence and purpose. 


So bottom line is it got me into a whole frenzy. Not good. But at the same time I tested myself how I fare to the world. How much coping have I learned over the years of adjusting and re-adjusting. Falling apart and picking myself from pieces again.


And the end result is, I'm way, way, way better now.


But of course in every problem encountered there is a resolution. For now I'm gonna be living clean. well, cleaner than last time. No hook-ups, no flirting, no boys, no men. Conclusion: no sex. Dates are fine but nothing more than that. Nothing romantic.


Abstinence is the word. Abstain from everything sinful. Sinful in a sense that I would be hurt again.


The most important thing I have learned is that no matter how painful a break-up can be, you can still love greatly again. 


For what is the use of the heart if not used completely?


Thank you. For everything. Really.




















P.S. Is oral sex considered sex? Hmmm...fine, no penetrative sex. 


Much better Guyrony, much better. I love how my mind and my head compromise.