January 2010 is not just the start of a new year but also the end of another decade.
It is perfect to say that everyone is entitled to a new lease in life with a fresh new start of this year but I, personally, would want to recall the past decade and how I lived my life through it.
New beginning, new bonds, new friends, new acquaintances, new experiences, new learning, new thoughts, new ideas, new challenges, new difficulties, new stresses, new fulfillment, new satisfaction, new ME.
I would cherish everything that has happened to me for the last decade, I want to keep them and recollect all of them, may it be bad or good, worse or better, worst or best. Not necessarily thrive and think about them, just enough to make me realize that life, when I experienced those aren't half bad. :)
A lot of things happened over the years, I may be still in school most of the time but I learned a lot in and out the campus. The society and environment are ever so changing, it's a fast-paced world where in a snap, everything you could ever wish for or obtained is either gained or lost.
The last decade provided me with heartaches, troubles, doubts, hesitations, suspicions, speculations, joys, happiness, bliss and what have you. It provided me with information and know how on how to deal with life (more?) and what to do when crisis arises.
I am thankful for the people that came in and out of my life. People I've met and people that struck me in the most different of ways. People who influenced me to be bolder, more courageous and more of a risk-taker. People I don't think I could ever meet this lifetime but I did, and so I applaud you for giving me the chance to know you better, to make you feel that I am just around whenever you need help and vice-versa.
I could have done much better when it comes to handling things but alas, my delicate and fragile nature really gets the best of me. Although with age comes maturity and I'm hoping I really learn from my past mistakes. I am stubborn, and I get what I want when I need it, but it makes me feel so bad in the end. Hopefully with more patience and understanding and more self-help, I'd be able to comprehend things or situations that needs deep contemplation. Or the very least an overview to simplify a complicated one.
The New Year is here to stay and I wish everyone the best of 2010 and the succeeding years to come!
And so, to end this post, I have my list of New Year's Resolutions:
1) Stability in an occupation related to my career path or course. I'm a NURSE DAMMIT, not a CSR!
2) Get leaner. The holidays made me add a pound to my weight, I love the holidays but it's back to diet. Man! How do you build six pack abs anyway???
3) Be more of a risk-taker. Already a young professional but still afraid to make a big leap, although with me finding a hospital job, I already turned down an offer from a company with good compensation. If worse comes to worse, I may be eating danggit and dried mangoes for breakfast. :)
4) Simplify life. I totally agree with my friend of mine when she said that Simple is Beautiful. Life will always have its way of making things complicated but YOU have a way to take it easy and not thrive too much. OVER-ANALYZING will be a taboo for me.
5) Moving On. I have a problem with ruminating situations, people, experiences, places...everything that I can think of when I'm alone or even when I'm with someone, I'm this type of person who lets go easily but is having difficulty moving on, although, I'm learning but there is still much to learn and more to note.
6) Blog More. I never have been happier because of my blog. One that I really established with my own thoughts and experiences, one I can definitely call my own. I know I could always vent out my feelings to friends but this is more enjoyable, venting out to my blog and to my special people I treasure are the best. I can always look back on how I perceive things with this blog.
7) Help Others More. One of my main purposes of staying alive is to help people deal with problems. I know I'm not a sponge but I could do my part in at least easing the pain of the person. I may be of small help but I am thankful that I can help.
So to 2010, A Merry, Happy, Gay, Jolly, Perky, Humorous, Satisfying, Fulfilling and Successful Year to Us All!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Holiday Hook-up
The smell of Bastie's CK one still lingers in my mouth as I'm imagining how torridly we kissed hours before the year 2010 will take place. His body pressed on to mine and even though I'm having a hard time breathing normally from the weight, I'm suffocated but the thought of the deed elevates my libido more and more.
The kiss from his sumptuous lips were far more from what I expected, his lower lip smoothly touches my upper lip, his tongue swinging from one end of my mouth to the next. It was an afternoon delight that I was looking forward to before the year 2009 takes a halt.
I have been in abstinence for too long that the moment we saw each other in the mall, my aura just intensified and my pleasure principle shot up like hot water from a geyser. Hey, I am pretty sure we have the same last minute motives, that is why I was not being hesitant to ask him if we could meet up on the 31st. He gladly and willingly obliged. It takes one to know one.
People from all corners of the street were merry making, we, on the other hand were making something. Children and adults were holding fire crackers for the festivities, we, don't need firecrackers to be festive. Couples clenched together gallivanting on the streets just to kill time before the year ends, meanwhile, we were grasping together in parts too explicit to tell.
The year may be ending in a while, exactly 3 hours and 37 minutes. But meeting him will not be the end for a bit... as long as I can still taste his flesh and sweat from my lips...
The kiss from his sumptuous lips were far more from what I expected, his lower lip smoothly touches my upper lip, his tongue swinging from one end of my mouth to the next. It was an afternoon delight that I was looking forward to before the year 2009 takes a halt.
I have been in abstinence for too long that the moment we saw each other in the mall, my aura just intensified and my pleasure principle shot up like hot water from a geyser. Hey, I am pretty sure we have the same last minute motives, that is why I was not being hesitant to ask him if we could meet up on the 31st. He gladly and willingly obliged. It takes one to know one.
People from all corners of the street were merry making, we, on the other hand were making something. Children and adults were holding fire crackers for the festivities, we, don't need firecrackers to be festive. Couples clenched together gallivanting on the streets just to kill time before the year ends, meanwhile, we were grasping together in parts too explicit to tell.
The year may be ending in a while, exactly 3 hours and 37 minutes. But meeting him will not be the end for a bit... as long as I can still taste his flesh and sweat from my lips...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
A Bit of Infidelity to Preserve a Long Commitment
Scenario:
Guy A has a long time partner of more than a year and feeling very monotonous about the relationship. He feels there is already lacking and the excitement part is unfelt anymore. Guy A thinks something needs to be done before he completely falls out of love. Guy A thinks Guy B is the one he could stay with for a long time but is just scared of falling out...
Guy B on the other hand has no problem with his relationship to Guy A. He is very happy with his life with him and every moment spent is every moment well worth living. He is very understandable, patient, kind and wants to give the whole world to Guy A.
Meanwhile, Guy A went on a flirting mode to a social networking site now owned by an Asian Company for the sum of $10 million dollars, but anyway, he chats with people over there. He doesn't really message people, it's more of, people giving him a message and then he starts the deed of flirting. Guy A thinks that this is something very unhealthy to a long term commitment but wants to salvage the existing one through flirting and hooking-up with other people just to entice him better so that he could stay longer for Guy B.
Does this seem too familiar?
Or perhaps a twisted plot to make you think it's familiar?
Guy A is very egocentric and self-centered, he considers himself humble but acts so proud of himself. People look up to him and tell him that he has so much potential but Guy A, doesn't believe so.Even Guy B knows there is still something that needs to be unleashed with Guy A. But, he has a very low self-esteem coming from his childhood memories of him being teased and insulted and mocked. It's a worst kid's nightmare because the memories are still coming back every now and then.
Guy B remains the faithful, loving boyfriend that he really is, from the first time they met until everything is nearly faltering. He's the type of person that is very in sync with his feelings and emotions. He doesn't need any one telling him how bad or good he is. He already established himself as someone who may not look good but acts great. Guy B is the type who you would fall not because of his physicality but of his heart.
You know it's really ironic how things work. In this case, Guy A wants a long lasting relationship with Guy B but doesn't want to get bored with him or what not so he flies from hook-up to hook-up just to spice and maintain his relationship with his partner. Don't get Guy A wrong, he deeply loves Guy B and wants to share his life with him as well but Guy B is a little on the dull and drab side of personality.
The only things they share in common are food and sex.
Everything is opposite there on. But their differences are in a way, pieces of a puzzle which are inter-locking and connected to each other.
How do you perceive this kind of set-up?
Do you think this is normal for a relationship that's been going on for quite sometime?
I vaguely remembered a gay man in his 40's, let us call him Po (from Kung-fu Panda) who has a partner of the same age. They have been together for nearly 19 fruitful years and in between the length of the relationship, both of them, although not admittingly, are having sex with other men.
When asked why he does it, he answered that both of them know that they love each other and they are in it for the long haul but it's just natural that you get tired of the same lifestyle that both of them have been accustomed.
Is it libido calling? Or perhaps one's longing for something new? Or both?
All I know is that I am, hands down, a culprit of this act. I know it may look immoral nor is it acceptable but I still know my boundaries and limitations when it comes to playing the deadly game of flirting when unavailable. It may take some time for people to accept this deed or they may never even accept the idea but the bottom line is that:
Every person is capable of doing the impossible if choice permits.
Guy A has a long time partner of more than a year and feeling very monotonous about the relationship. He feels there is already lacking and the excitement part is unfelt anymore. Guy A thinks something needs to be done before he completely falls out of love. Guy A thinks Guy B is the one he could stay with for a long time but is just scared of falling out...
Guy B on the other hand has no problem with his relationship to Guy A. He is very happy with his life with him and every moment spent is every moment well worth living. He is very understandable, patient, kind and wants to give the whole world to Guy A.
Meanwhile, Guy A went on a flirting mode to a social networking site now owned by an Asian Company for the sum of $10 million dollars, but anyway, he chats with people over there. He doesn't really message people, it's more of, people giving him a message and then he starts the deed of flirting. Guy A thinks that this is something very unhealthy to a long term commitment but wants to salvage the existing one through flirting and hooking-up with other people just to entice him better so that he could stay longer for Guy B.
Does this seem too familiar?
Or perhaps a twisted plot to make you think it's familiar?
Guy A is very egocentric and self-centered, he considers himself humble but acts so proud of himself. People look up to him and tell him that he has so much potential but Guy A, doesn't believe so.Even Guy B knows there is still something that needs to be unleashed with Guy A. But, he has a very low self-esteem coming from his childhood memories of him being teased and insulted and mocked. It's a worst kid's nightmare because the memories are still coming back every now and then.
Guy B remains the faithful, loving boyfriend that he really is, from the first time they met until everything is nearly faltering. He's the type of person that is very in sync with his feelings and emotions. He doesn't need any one telling him how bad or good he is. He already established himself as someone who may not look good but acts great. Guy B is the type who you would fall not because of his physicality but of his heart.
You know it's really ironic how things work. In this case, Guy A wants a long lasting relationship with Guy B but doesn't want to get bored with him or what not so he flies from hook-up to hook-up just to spice and maintain his relationship with his partner. Don't get Guy A wrong, he deeply loves Guy B and wants to share his life with him as well but Guy B is a little on the dull and drab side of personality.
The only things they share in common are food and sex.
Everything is opposite there on. But their differences are in a way, pieces of a puzzle which are inter-locking and connected to each other.
How do you perceive this kind of set-up?
Do you think this is normal for a relationship that's been going on for quite sometime?
I vaguely remembered a gay man in his 40's, let us call him Po (from Kung-fu Panda) who has a partner of the same age. They have been together for nearly 19 fruitful years and in between the length of the relationship, both of them, although not admittingly, are having sex with other men.
When asked why he does it, he answered that both of them know that they love each other and they are in it for the long haul but it's just natural that you get tired of the same lifestyle that both of them have been accustomed.
Is it libido calling? Or perhaps one's longing for something new? Or both?
All I know is that I am, hands down, a culprit of this act. I know it may look immoral nor is it acceptable but I still know my boundaries and limitations when it comes to playing the deadly game of flirting when unavailable. It may take some time for people to accept this deed or they may never even accept the idea but the bottom line is that:
Every person is capable of doing the impossible if choice permits.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Profundity
Wisest is the man who appreciates the simplest things in life.
On the 27th of December, around 23:00 Manila time, I experienced something unexplainable, a meeting of the minds that wasn't supposed to end that way.
Bobot, a man in his early 50's was able to narrate and share how he coped up with being gay in his early life. He is a simple, conservative but agile when it comes to sex, yet, when he was telling us his stories, there was no air nor boastfulness coming from his lips. The words were delicately cascading like a waterfall to a calm lagoon, the elegance of his vocabulary is just spectacular and awesome, the word magnificent doesn't even compare to his insights on things he encountered or experienced. There is nirvana in his soul, and all of us are all ears.
He was telling us that during his time, they do not get together with gay friends. On the contrary, being gay that time wasn't a problem for them. He always would meet-up with 2 friends (it doesn't matter what gender) and if one of those 2 would be gay, it is just a matter of having the benefit of the doubt. There was no such thing as criticizing, ostracizing, confronting, even opening up that someone is gay. For him that time, there are more things to consider than thinking that you're gay and how it is to live in a society, regardless of sexual preference nor orientation.
Are we, the modern gay guys, over-analyzing too much?
Bobot, accurately narrates that even when he was younger, he doesn't need to tell people of himself. There was no such thing as LABELING. It's a non- existent word. You would be a man OR a woman, none in the middle and definitely nothing outside the idea. He knows he is gay but it didn't occur to him to out himself. Why so? Because he wants to keep something of him very private and personal. Someone who you would see as simplistic but with a lot of details interiorly. Well said.
He went on explaining how he diverted thoughts of being gay to something more productive. He is a Production Designer and people wouldn't actually judge you immediately that you are gay if your occupation is like that. He is a magnificent person, he allotted his time meditating and contemplating of things. His coping skills are bar none and something we could really look up to.
Rule of thumb for him: divert yourself.
I, personally, am being this type for such a long time. I have so many regrets and emotional baggage in me that I am like a jetsetter out to conquer the world with myself and my baggages.
We were speechless during his limelight and what I asked him is: How were you able to vent out with being gay? I'm pretty sure that even though you don't want to think about it, there will come to a point that you just want to tell someone of an idea who you really are, what problems you're encountering and how to cope up. He nonchalantly explained how the mind works in such a powerful way that all he needs to do is get up, do something unrelated and go on with life, not complicating anything, not undermining things.
I badly need his coping prowess. :)
Bobot was telling us that even at a young age, he didn't see himself as gay. He neither did experience a time when he was confused about who he really is. He didn't elaborate much about how his family played a role but it wasn't important that time. His statements made an impact to how he is, how he lives and how he plays the role of a gay man in a decade where a person is still a person, dressed in drag or what not.
There was a time when MGG asked Bobot what he could advise us young gay guys in the modern society, Bobot, being the humble and conservative that he is actually asked us how we cope up with living in an era of uncertainties and doubts. I told him that we vent out... it's just a matter of what form you are venting out from but the most important thing is that you vent out. Don't keep it all to yourself. you are not an omniscient being nor are you capable of doing the impossible. You are yourself: unique and nearly indestructible.
Bobot's last words were: I have gone through the same experiences and phases as you did but it may have taken another form. It may not have been equal in a superficial way but the idea and the concept are both there.
Well said Sir, I greatly appreciate you for those wise words and insights.
Upon leaving his interiorly eccentric home, all I could picture is him and how his personality deeply reflected on how I want to treat myself and how I could simplify things as they were.
I have to thank him for laying the ground work for us young gays to have a very solid foundation on how society treats us and how we want to be treated.
P.S. So excited on the Fabcasters Party! Woohoo!
On the 27th of December, around 23:00 Manila time, I experienced something unexplainable, a meeting of the minds that wasn't supposed to end that way.
Bobot, a man in his early 50's was able to narrate and share how he coped up with being gay in his early life. He is a simple, conservative but agile when it comes to sex, yet, when he was telling us his stories, there was no air nor boastfulness coming from his lips. The words were delicately cascading like a waterfall to a calm lagoon, the elegance of his vocabulary is just spectacular and awesome, the word magnificent doesn't even compare to his insights on things he encountered or experienced. There is nirvana in his soul, and all of us are all ears.
He was telling us that during his time, they do not get together with gay friends. On the contrary, being gay that time wasn't a problem for them. He always would meet-up with 2 friends (it doesn't matter what gender) and if one of those 2 would be gay, it is just a matter of having the benefit of the doubt. There was no such thing as criticizing, ostracizing, confronting, even opening up that someone is gay. For him that time, there are more things to consider than thinking that you're gay and how it is to live in a society, regardless of sexual preference nor orientation.
Are we, the modern gay guys, over-analyzing too much?
Bobot, accurately narrates that even when he was younger, he doesn't need to tell people of himself. There was no such thing as LABELING. It's a non- existent word. You would be a man OR a woman, none in the middle and definitely nothing outside the idea. He knows he is gay but it didn't occur to him to out himself. Why so? Because he wants to keep something of him very private and personal. Someone who you would see as simplistic but with a lot of details interiorly. Well said.
He went on explaining how he diverted thoughts of being gay to something more productive. He is a Production Designer and people wouldn't actually judge you immediately that you are gay if your occupation is like that. He is a magnificent person, he allotted his time meditating and contemplating of things. His coping skills are bar none and something we could really look up to.
Rule of thumb for him: divert yourself.
I, personally, am being this type for such a long time. I have so many regrets and emotional baggage in me that I am like a jetsetter out to conquer the world with myself and my baggages.
We were speechless during his limelight and what I asked him is: How were you able to vent out with being gay? I'm pretty sure that even though you don't want to think about it, there will come to a point that you just want to tell someone of an idea who you really are, what problems you're encountering and how to cope up. He nonchalantly explained how the mind works in such a powerful way that all he needs to do is get up, do something unrelated and go on with life, not complicating anything, not undermining things.
I badly need his coping prowess. :)
Bobot was telling us that even at a young age, he didn't see himself as gay. He neither did experience a time when he was confused about who he really is. He didn't elaborate much about how his family played a role but it wasn't important that time. His statements made an impact to how he is, how he lives and how he plays the role of a gay man in a decade where a person is still a person, dressed in drag or what not.
There was a time when MGG asked Bobot what he could advise us young gay guys in the modern society, Bobot, being the humble and conservative that he is actually asked us how we cope up with living in an era of uncertainties and doubts. I told him that we vent out... it's just a matter of what form you are venting out from but the most important thing is that you vent out. Don't keep it all to yourself. you are not an omniscient being nor are you capable of doing the impossible. You are yourself: unique and nearly indestructible.
Bobot's last words were: I have gone through the same experiences and phases as you did but it may have taken another form. It may not have been equal in a superficial way but the idea and the concept are both there.
Well said Sir, I greatly appreciate you for those wise words and insights.
Upon leaving his interiorly eccentric home, all I could picture is him and how his personality deeply reflected on how I want to treat myself and how I could simplify things as they were.
I have to thank him for laying the ground work for us young gays to have a very solid foundation on how society treats us and how we want to be treated.
P.S. So excited on the Fabcasters Party! Woohoo!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
How Do I Celebrate Thee?
Merry Merry Christmas Everyone!
Hope your days will be more than Happiness!
May it be filled with Satisfaction, Success and Fulfillment!
May your worries stay minimal and your Joys stay optimal!
Keep in mind that don't overeat, as my Professor in Nutrition is always saying, A moment on the Lips, a Lifetime on the Hips!!!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Busted!
Sunday, December 20, 2009.
Recipes, Greenbelt, 20:00 Manila Time.
I came in with heavy breathing and an embarrassed look. I tried my best to hide my sweat and shame but alas, both are showing.
Darn! I was really, really late for the meet-up and what's worse is that most of these people barely know me. I guess I made a bad impression that I'm almost always fashionably late.
I waved my hand across the people occupying the 2 sets of table and it's such a nice moment for me that while I was late for the meet-up, they were more than enough to greet me back.
I was late. And I, trying to save face, went from shy, timid, wallflower to a perky, enthusiastic, giddy person in a matter of seconds. I have to do it or else people will judge me immediately.
I wasn't really being a VIP. Earlier that day, the host e-mailed me about a get together and since I lost my phone and his contact number was there, I immediately sent a reply to his message that I badly need his contact again. I also texted a good friend of mine who also knows his number.
Several minutes has passed and still no reply from friend, I panicked because I really need the host's number. He just came from the US and it's a privilege to be spending a dinner meet-up with him and his friends.
I waited for nearly an hour...
My phone vibrated twice. I looked at the message. K texted me his number. Hooray! I'm saved! Now I can text him and go to his invitation! I thanked K and went on to text ,MGG the host.
P: Hey MGG! How are you doing? This is P, this will be my new permanent number, kindly save it OK! By the way, who are the people that will be there?
MGG: The usual fabcasters and some people. Hey P, change of plan, will eat dinner at Recipes first then Red Box after. You coming?
P: Yep! Will definitely do! But is it OK if I just take a nap then just catch up with you guys?
MGG: No problem P, I'll just update you if there would be change of plans.
P: Thanks a lot. Thanks MGG.
I took a nap about 16:30 and set my alarm at 18:15.
I woke up looking really haggard and very drowsy still (narcolepsy, a pseudo-serious condition of mine since college years, hehe).
I looked at my phone- 18:15.
Shoot! I have to dress up and get myself ready.
And so I was so busy trying to look to the best that I could that I was like being Cinderella without a curfew. I got out of the house past 19:30 and I live in Parañaque. Of course I am definitely and absolutely fashionably late!
I flew from SM Makati to Glorietta to Landmark and finally to Recipes, Greenbelt. Whew!
I sat on the corner seat of the table, sat down next to a muscled up guy named B. I smiled at him and he reciprocated with a faint smirk.
J, from one of my earlier blogs told me that they ordered the food already and that I would just need to add a drink and rice if I want to. I told him that it's OK, I'm fine with what they ordered.
I viewed the people invited across the tables and I saw new faces. Definitely not the same group from his Birthday bash about 3 months ago.
I sat down and conversed with the people beside and in front of me, B and T. They were more than willing to strike up a conversation with me.
The viands came awaiting to be gobbled up by pseudo-diet mode gay guys. Some of them even ordered brown rice (or I think it's brown rice). Geez, gays and our need for external validation through physical perfectionism.
I thought to myself: these guys are mostly going to the gym so why not just order anything and just burn it off? Then it hit me, of course, I was like this before, I have eating problems and it took me a while to control it or at least to curb with my dysfunctional appetite.
Even if the food is great, we still found time to laugh out loud across the resto and just be ourselves. The funny thing is that I absolutely don't like being in scenes like this but hey, we're enjoying each other's company.
The meal ended with a smash and everyone is happy with the camaraderie, mocks, insults and what have you. After leaving the resto, I thought we'd be going to Red Box for some videoke fun but it turns out that these guys were just planning to go to a coffee shop and chill. I don't mind and personally, I would rather spend my time in a coffee shop. I find it a haven to just be in a setting where it's you and your coffee. You block out external inhibitions and intimidations.
We directly headed to UCC Park Cafe which is a stroll away from Greenbelt. The ambiance is nice and very comforting, couple that with a cup of coffee and a slice of Apple Pie ala mode and heaven is just a sip and morsel away.
Thirteen guys around a couple of tables, mixing each others' personalities and perceptions about lives' ho-hums and anything under the sun. I wouldn't even call it an intellectual conversation but the informality of the meet-up just makes it more exciting and lively.
There were guys of still about to come out, guys who went out younger than I did, guys who haven't had any relationships yet, guys who went out at a ripe age, guys who just don't care whether they come out or not, guys who came out but lacks experience, guys who haven't come out yet is full of experiences. The diversity and conglomeration is more than a welcome for me. As I've told some people before, this is a new thing for me, I have gay guy friends but not the actual peers so meeting up people and bonding with them, hoping to make something out of the time is pleasurable and exciting and enticing. :)
All the while, I was thinking that people wouldn't know my past (which is 3 months ago), D, who has been part of this blog and one of the reasons why this blog was established wouldn't come out of any topic.
Unfortunately, I was wrong! Two of his acquaintances were asking what happened, apparently, they read this blog which is suppose to be a SECRET. D, told them of this URL. A thing that I couldn't understand. I told him of this blog thinking that hey, he looks like a person who could keep secrets but, wrong again. When will P ever learn??? Anyway, the story is already laid out, from the setting, the people involved, the happening, the experience, all told, all narrated, all typed and blogged to have my peace of mind.
On the other end of the note, I am particularly happy because they took the time to read even though one of them told me that he had a hard time reading the print (ahem, sorry!).
My blog was revealed even though I had no intentions to do it. I do comments on other blogs that I follow but it doesn't mean I have to reveal myself but it was already revealed. Something that I could have kept mum since the start of my postings.
I'm happy it turned out this way, at least, I don't have to explain to them, nor does he.
And by the way, his date is so much good-looking than I am. I wish them both the best!
The day ended with us having to go to North Park in Kalayaan because some of these guys are still hungry from eating so little from Recipes. Guys will be guys! Hehehe.
The company was great, the conversations greater and the personalities, the greatest.
Recipes, Greenbelt, 20:00 Manila Time.
I came in with heavy breathing and an embarrassed look. I tried my best to hide my sweat and shame but alas, both are showing.
Darn! I was really, really late for the meet-up and what's worse is that most of these people barely know me. I guess I made a bad impression that I'm almost always fashionably late.
I waved my hand across the people occupying the 2 sets of table and it's such a nice moment for me that while I was late for the meet-up, they were more than enough to greet me back.
I was late. And I, trying to save face, went from shy, timid, wallflower to a perky, enthusiastic, giddy person in a matter of seconds. I have to do it or else people will judge me immediately.
I wasn't really being a VIP. Earlier that day, the host e-mailed me about a get together and since I lost my phone and his contact number was there, I immediately sent a reply to his message that I badly need his contact again. I also texted a good friend of mine who also knows his number.
Several minutes has passed and still no reply from friend, I panicked because I really need the host's number. He just came from the US and it's a privilege to be spending a dinner meet-up with him and his friends.
I waited for nearly an hour...
My phone vibrated twice. I looked at the message. K texted me his number. Hooray! I'm saved! Now I can text him and go to his invitation! I thanked K and went on to text ,MGG the host.
P: Hey MGG! How are you doing? This is P, this will be my new permanent number, kindly save it OK! By the way, who are the people that will be there?
MGG: The usual fabcasters and some people. Hey P, change of plan, will eat dinner at Recipes first then Red Box after. You coming?
P: Yep! Will definitely do! But is it OK if I just take a nap then just catch up with you guys?
MGG: No problem P, I'll just update you if there would be change of plans.
P: Thanks a lot. Thanks MGG.
I took a nap about 16:30 and set my alarm at 18:15.
I woke up looking really haggard and very drowsy still (narcolepsy, a pseudo-serious condition of mine since college years, hehe).
I looked at my phone- 18:15.
Shoot! I have to dress up and get myself ready.
And so I was so busy trying to look to the best that I could that I was like being Cinderella without a curfew. I got out of the house past 19:30 and I live in Parañaque. Of course I am definitely and absolutely fashionably late!
I flew from SM Makati to Glorietta to Landmark and finally to Recipes, Greenbelt. Whew!
I sat on the corner seat of the table, sat down next to a muscled up guy named B. I smiled at him and he reciprocated with a faint smirk.
J, from one of my earlier blogs told me that they ordered the food already and that I would just need to add a drink and rice if I want to. I told him that it's OK, I'm fine with what they ordered.
I viewed the people invited across the tables and I saw new faces. Definitely not the same group from his Birthday bash about 3 months ago.
I sat down and conversed with the people beside and in front of me, B and T. They were more than willing to strike up a conversation with me.
The viands came awaiting to be gobbled up by pseudo-diet mode gay guys. Some of them even ordered brown rice (or I think it's brown rice). Geez, gays and our need for external validation through physical perfectionism.
I thought to myself: these guys are mostly going to the gym so why not just order anything and just burn it off? Then it hit me, of course, I was like this before, I have eating problems and it took me a while to control it or at least to curb with my dysfunctional appetite.
Even if the food is great, we still found time to laugh out loud across the resto and just be ourselves. The funny thing is that I absolutely don't like being in scenes like this but hey, we're enjoying each other's company.
The meal ended with a smash and everyone is happy with the camaraderie, mocks, insults and what have you. After leaving the resto, I thought we'd be going to Red Box for some videoke fun but it turns out that these guys were just planning to go to a coffee shop and chill. I don't mind and personally, I would rather spend my time in a coffee shop. I find it a haven to just be in a setting where it's you and your coffee. You block out external inhibitions and intimidations.
We directly headed to UCC Park Cafe which is a stroll away from Greenbelt. The ambiance is nice and very comforting, couple that with a cup of coffee and a slice of Apple Pie ala mode and heaven is just a sip and morsel away.
Thirteen guys around a couple of tables, mixing each others' personalities and perceptions about lives' ho-hums and anything under the sun. I wouldn't even call it an intellectual conversation but the informality of the meet-up just makes it more exciting and lively.
There were guys of still about to come out, guys who went out younger than I did, guys who haven't had any relationships yet, guys who went out at a ripe age, guys who just don't care whether they come out or not, guys who came out but lacks experience, guys who haven't come out yet is full of experiences. The diversity and conglomeration is more than a welcome for me. As I've told some people before, this is a new thing for me, I have gay guy friends but not the actual peers so meeting up people and bonding with them, hoping to make something out of the time is pleasurable and exciting and enticing. :)
All the while, I was thinking that people wouldn't know my past (which is 3 months ago), D, who has been part of this blog and one of the reasons why this blog was established wouldn't come out of any topic.
Unfortunately, I was wrong! Two of his acquaintances were asking what happened, apparently, they read this blog which is suppose to be a SECRET. D, told them of this URL. A thing that I couldn't understand. I told him of this blog thinking that hey, he looks like a person who could keep secrets but, wrong again. When will P ever learn??? Anyway, the story is already laid out, from the setting, the people involved, the happening, the experience, all told, all narrated, all typed and blogged to have my peace of mind.
On the other end of the note, I am particularly happy because they took the time to read even though one of them told me that he had a hard time reading the print (ahem, sorry!).
My blog was revealed even though I had no intentions to do it. I do comments on other blogs that I follow but it doesn't mean I have to reveal myself but it was already revealed. Something that I could have kept mum since the start of my postings.
I'm happy it turned out this way, at least, I don't have to explain to them, nor does he.
And by the way, his date is so much good-looking than I am. I wish them both the best!
The day ended with us having to go to North Park in Kalayaan because some of these guys are still hungry from eating so little from Recipes. Guys will be guys! Hehehe.
The company was great, the conversations greater and the personalities, the greatest.
My Christmas Wishlist!
1) Sony Xperia X2 - my phone got stolen last month, a week after my birthday,damn you thief! I curse you to hell!!! Roar!
2) An ASUS EEE PC 1005HE netbook - because our ancient desktop running Pentium 4 has a Vista Ultimate OS that's why a turtle is faster than it's processing power.
3) A 3rd Generation Ipod Touch - about 5 months ago I ran at Manila Memorial Park (which I used to do often) my 2nd Gen Ipod Nano got drenched (disgusting, I know) in my sweat and it stopped working and now I don't have any music in my ears. The beggar in me is still relying on my 2 sisters' Ipod when they don't use it.
So here goes my wishlist. :)
2) An ASUS EEE PC 1005HE netbook - because our ancient desktop running Pentium 4 has a Vista Ultimate OS that's why a turtle is faster than it's processing power.
3) A 3rd Generation Ipod Touch - about 5 months ago I ran at Manila Memorial Park (which I used to do often) my 2nd Gen Ipod Nano got drenched (disgusting, I know) in my sweat and it stopped working and now I don't have any music in my ears. The beggar in me is still relying on my 2 sisters' Ipod when they don't use it.
So here goes my wishlist. :)
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Fucking Friends?
What the heck were you thinking? Did your ego got the best of you again? Time and again P,you let your decision making skills fail you. Is this really what you want?
My mind asked me these questions upon going home. I was trying to comprehend the situation: I am committed to a person who loves me for who and what I am and yet on the other side, my mind is lingering to have a one night stand or more precisely an afternoon delight.
My ego is regressing and it is functioning like I didn't learn from my past experiences. OK,so right now, I'm speculating about the matter. Maybe E really has good intentions and he just wants to be accompanied for a while.
My mind is acting pretty weird and given my personality of being overly suspicious and complicating simple situations, it's making me bonkers. And that's just what I was thinking the whole time from España until my home in Parañaque. Geez, this is getting ridiculous, I'm being too speculative and too overly reactive.
Maybe nothing will happen, just as long as I don't show any motives and him as well.
It will be fine P, stop worrying. Yeah, I really hope it will.
My academic activities dwindled so I have more time to do the things that I missed out plus, I can definitely go to E's rented place to accompany him.
I texted him again just in case he won't be needing my company anymore or so I think that's my primary reason.
P: E, zup?
E: just doing some paperworks, got a lot to finish. I'm at the internet shop near the campus.
P: Just wanna ask, are we still going to your pad?
E: Yeah, my ate will be going straight to Muntinlupa from her hospital duty.
P: Where will we meet?
E: Let's just meet at the Freedom Park. Around 2pm.
P: Ok, I'll be hanging there anyway, just relaxing and resting.
E: Sure, see you.
P: Yeah, just make sure you finish your paperworks before we meet.
E: Will try, thanks.
P: :)
I waited at the Freedom Park, I sat at one of the benches made of cement with a tree surrounded by the bench part. I sat in front of the chapel because I just dropped by from the chapel. The air was cool and the ambiance is refreshing, if permitted, I could just lie down and close my eyes and blank my mind about everything else, as in everything. Family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex-partners, good experiences, bad experiences, lessons learned in and out the campus, lessons still wanna learn, good decisions made in the past, bad decisions made that made it worse, vented out issues that was adding to emotional baggage, venting issues that are really unimportant, told people of things a person shouldn't have, told people of things a person could relate to, regrets trying to unleash, regrets trying to release, acceptance trying to inculcate, acceptance trying to digest.
The venue served as a perfect spot for me to think about nothing. Nothing but me...then E came.
E: Hey!!!
P : (Pretending to be dozing off)
E: Hey, we're going P.
P: (Still pretending with dreaming effect)
E: Hey P if you don't get up, I will rape you here.
P: (As if struck by a lightning bolt) WHAT?!
E: I'm kidding!
P: OK.
(Thinking: What the Eff?)
E: See, you got up so fast when I said that.
P: Because you surprised me with you're statement.
E: I'm just kidding, geez, you're too serious.
P: You don't know me that much yet. I can be deadly serious if I want to.
E: OK, well I'm kidding and don't take it seriously.
P: Alright.
I got up, dusted off some dirt from my pants and polo shirt, took my backpack and placed it on my back, adjusted my spectacles and off we go.
We were walking along P. Kampa and my heart is palpitating like a caffeine-induced freak who haven't slept yet for nearly 72 hours. We were walking near a jeepney station in order for us to get to his pad. I think I'm just being bizarre but really my heart is exceeding normal range when I know that I will have a greatly possible hook-up or something near that. Believe me, I know myself, my heart races like an F1 race car when I know something bad (in a naughty way) or good (still in a naughty way) is going to happen. And unluckily, I am feeling that uneasiness with him that time and we're still in a jeep!
We arrived at his pad about 10 minutes of ride. It was a studio type room with amenities like a refrigerator and a TV. It was OK. The lighting is fine where the sun lights up the whole room and the space is also decent. Coming from someone who doesn't have a degree in architecture. Just get along with me. :)
We sat down on his bed which is basically a comforter placed on the floor. He was narrating his day at school and what he did during the day. I, on the other hand was thinking of something else, my mind is fluttering again as usual.
What the heck?
Part 3
My mind asked me these questions upon going home. I was trying to comprehend the situation: I am committed to a person who loves me for who and what I am and yet on the other side, my mind is lingering to have a one night stand or more precisely an afternoon delight.
My ego is regressing and it is functioning like I didn't learn from my past experiences. OK,so right now, I'm speculating about the matter. Maybe E really has good intentions and he just wants to be accompanied for a while.
My mind is acting pretty weird and given my personality of being overly suspicious and complicating simple situations, it's making me bonkers. And that's just what I was thinking the whole time from España until my home in Parañaque. Geez, this is getting ridiculous, I'm being too speculative and too overly reactive.
Maybe nothing will happen, just as long as I don't show any motives and him as well.
It will be fine P, stop worrying. Yeah, I really hope it will.
My academic activities dwindled so I have more time to do the things that I missed out plus, I can definitely go to E's rented place to accompany him.
I texted him again just in case he won't be needing my company anymore or so I think that's my primary reason.
P: E, zup?
E: just doing some paperworks, got a lot to finish. I'm at the internet shop near the campus.
P: Just wanna ask, are we still going to your pad?
E: Yeah, my ate will be going straight to Muntinlupa from her hospital duty.
P: Where will we meet?
E: Let's just meet at the Freedom Park. Around 2pm.
P: Ok, I'll be hanging there anyway, just relaxing and resting.
E: Sure, see you.
P: Yeah, just make sure you finish your paperworks before we meet.
E: Will try, thanks.
P: :)
I waited at the Freedom Park, I sat at one of the benches made of cement with a tree surrounded by the bench part. I sat in front of the chapel because I just dropped by from the chapel. The air was cool and the ambiance is refreshing, if permitted, I could just lie down and close my eyes and blank my mind about everything else, as in everything. Family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex-partners, good experiences, bad experiences, lessons learned in and out the campus, lessons still wanna learn, good decisions made in the past, bad decisions made that made it worse, vented out issues that was adding to emotional baggage, venting issues that are really unimportant, told people of things a person shouldn't have, told people of things a person could relate to, regrets trying to unleash, regrets trying to release, acceptance trying to inculcate, acceptance trying to digest.
The venue served as a perfect spot for me to think about nothing. Nothing but me...then E came.
E: Hey!!!
P : (Pretending to be dozing off)
E: Hey, we're going P.
P: (Still pretending with dreaming effect)
E: Hey P if you don't get up, I will rape you here.
P: (As if struck by a lightning bolt) WHAT?!
E: I'm kidding!
P: OK.
(Thinking: What the Eff?)
E: See, you got up so fast when I said that.
P: Because you surprised me with you're statement.
E: I'm just kidding, geez, you're too serious.
P: You don't know me that much yet. I can be deadly serious if I want to.
E: OK, well I'm kidding and don't take it seriously.
P: Alright.
I got up, dusted off some dirt from my pants and polo shirt, took my backpack and placed it on my back, adjusted my spectacles and off we go.
We were walking along P. Kampa and my heart is palpitating like a caffeine-induced freak who haven't slept yet for nearly 72 hours. We were walking near a jeepney station in order for us to get to his pad. I think I'm just being bizarre but really my heart is exceeding normal range when I know that I will have a greatly possible hook-up or something near that. Believe me, I know myself, my heart races like an F1 race car when I know something bad (in a naughty way) or good (still in a naughty way) is going to happen. And unluckily, I am feeling that uneasiness with him that time and we're still in a jeep!
We arrived at his pad about 10 minutes of ride. It was a studio type room with amenities like a refrigerator and a TV. It was OK. The lighting is fine where the sun lights up the whole room and the space is also decent. Coming from someone who doesn't have a degree in architecture. Just get along with me. :)
We sat down on his bed which is basically a comforter placed on the floor. He was narrating his day at school and what he did during the day. I, on the other hand was thinking of something else, my mind is fluttering again as usual.
What the heck?
Part 3
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
It's December Everyone!
What's on your Christmas Wishlust? I mean, Wishlist?
24 days till Christmas! Let the countdown begin...
Fucking Friends?
After that incident I tried my best to avoid him at minimal cost so as not to look like I'm completely avoiding him and what might come up from any mis-encounters. My texts got fewer, my replies shorter, my preoccupation with other things got longer. We were now barely meeting inside campus. and that's perfectly fine with me. Days passed without getting even a single text from him. Frankly, I miss the guy; he has a huge heart plus he's a new acquaintance so we can talk a lot of things that are ALMOST anything under the sun. ALMOST. He was a great relief from all the hustle and bustle of academic activities and my so-called complicated life.
I think a person's experience is always one of the most exciting stories to listen to and think about and it amuses me the most.
After almost a week of zero communication, he texted me up:
E: Hey P, how are you doin'?
P: Doing great, still swamped with paperworks but nonetheless, still great. And you?
E: Well, I'm quite good, always nervous when it comes to practicums and others. Hahaha! Wait, you are graduating, right? :)
P: Of course I will! My mom will literally kill me and bury me alive if I won't! Hehe.
E: Just confirming P.
P: Np.
E: What's NP?
P: No problem.
E: Oh, I see. new term I learned just now.
P: Hehe. Cool. Anyway J, I am still swamped with school stuff, I need to finish a lot of things. Text you sometime.
E: I know, we barely talk nowadays...
P: I owe you one J.
E: You sure do P, you sure do. :)
P: Alright, next time then.
E: Wait!!!
P: What? Did someone die?
E: None silly. Is it OK if I ask you to accompany me to the boarding house this week? My older sister will be going home to Muntinlupa and I'm the only one there.
P: Well I can't exactly stay overnight since I don't usually do that. I could stay until late afternoon. Where do you stay anyway?
E: Dapitan. Just a ride away from P.Kampa.
P: Cool. Let me check with my sched first then I'll get back to you, alright?
E: Thanks P, you're such a friend. Inform me ASAP then.
P: Will sure do.
Oh boy... What in heaven's name did I just run into. My libido is surging high but my morality is squeezing me tightly on my arms.
I'm feeling very bad about this one. Still, no hints of him being gay but asking me to come to his place to stay over? Weird and I'm pretty skeptical. Of course I already experienced something like this especially when I was still going to Malate wherein a guy will ask you to stay over his place and just 'hang-out'. And oh yeah, I'm committed, I nearly forgot to tell you that.
Part 2
I think a person's experience is always one of the most exciting stories to listen to and think about and it amuses me the most.
After almost a week of zero communication, he texted me up:
E: Hey P, how are you doin'?
P: Doing great, still swamped with paperworks but nonetheless, still great. And you?
E: Well, I'm quite good, always nervous when it comes to practicums and others. Hahaha! Wait, you are graduating, right? :)
P: Of course I will! My mom will literally kill me and bury me alive if I won't! Hehe.
E: Just confirming P.
P: Np.
E: What's NP?
P: No problem.
E: Oh, I see. new term I learned just now.
P: Hehe. Cool. Anyway J, I am still swamped with school stuff, I need to finish a lot of things. Text you sometime.
E: I know, we barely talk nowadays...
P: I owe you one J.
E: You sure do P, you sure do. :)
P: Alright, next time then.
E: Wait!!!
P: What? Did someone die?
E: None silly. Is it OK if I ask you to accompany me to the boarding house this week? My older sister will be going home to Muntinlupa and I'm the only one there.
P: Well I can't exactly stay overnight since I don't usually do that. I could stay until late afternoon. Where do you stay anyway?
E: Dapitan. Just a ride away from P.Kampa.
P: Cool. Let me check with my sched first then I'll get back to you, alright?
E: Thanks P, you're such a friend. Inform me ASAP then.
P: Will sure do.
Oh boy... What in heaven's name did I just run into. My libido is surging high but my morality is squeezing me tightly on my arms.
I'm feeling very bad about this one. Still, no hints of him being gay but asking me to come to his place to stay over? Weird and I'm pretty skeptical. Of course I already experienced something like this especially when I was still going to Malate wherein a guy will ask you to stay over his place and just 'hang-out'. And oh yeah, I'm committed, I nearly forgot to tell you that.
Part 2
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