Gift Giving

"Merry Christmas!" We greeted our lola and aunt and everyone else at my uncle's home in Pampanga.

This was one of the few times I have joined them for Christmas ever since I worked for a Clinical BPO because usually I can't join them. I'd rather sleep after shift on Christmas Day.

It was a joyous event. Everyone's spirits were high and positive. It couldn't be better.

I think it had always been like this for us. Christmas will always be marked with a fuzzy feeling of warmth and comfort, and also a sense of peace.

As a kid, I had always enjoyed Christmas. I mean who wouldn't?

Aside from seeing your cousins and having a great time with them, you'd also collect, um, I mean, receive gifts of all sorts from your aunts and uncles.

Zoids.

Megazord.

Gundam.

Remote-controlled car.

Cash.

That special moment where you space out and unwrap your gift or open that Ang Pow. There's magic there. You're so engrossed that you forget you're celebrating something far more special than your gifts.

But of course, as a tito now, that tradition has died down...

I barely receive gifts from aunts and uncles anymore. I don't mind it. That's the reality of growing up. That tradition of gift-giving has been passed down to the next generation. Me and my cousins had done it before. It's now time for the younger ones to experience that feeling of opening up a present.

I like it.

When I see them opening up my gifts for them, seeing them light up their faces, smiling from ear to ear - it still gives me that warm feeling all over.

Kind of the ones I used to experience when I was a kid.

That feeling of pure and simple happiness.

So yeah, I may not be a kid anymore, but this tito will still hold that tradition of giving gifts to nieces and nephews.

That is, until they're already working.

Gust of Thought

I haven't moved on.

And right now I don't think I have moved on. Surely it's a pessimistic notion to say that. But I say it with veracity. I still love my ex.

And even though he had already moved on and perhaps seeing someone already, it's okay. I have to be happy for him.

Remember that old saying, "If he's happy, so should you be for him?"

So I have to. Because he is now happy. I think.

Distraction, as people say, is the best thing to do when dealing with a break-up. I did distract myself. I immersed myself with good people and shared laughs with new-found acquaintances, opened Grindr to meet new people, dated a few, read books, reflected daily on my daily achievements and worked out almost daily.

It didn't help.

The human mind can be so fickle. More so the human heart.

And I hate it. I hate it that I dread weekends. I hate it that I dread idle time. I hate it that I dread going to places or even seeing places we have been together, even if we just passed through that place.

There will never be anyone like him. He told me that. I believed him. He truly was.

And someday I hope I can find someone like him...

If I can reach someday, though.





“In that moment I understood that the cruelest words in the universe are if only.” - Peony, Peony In Love by Lisa See

Regrets and Regress

And I finally had the guts to throw this one away.

Not because I hate you.

But because there's no use keeping this anymore.

Of Relationship Dynamics

"She already gave birth."

My Ate told me when she got home late and I was readying to go to work.

"Oh..." I haven't seen her for months because she moved back in with her family in Tondo.

I couldn't express anything. I felt that would be better. I did not get excited nor happy. I didn't even know how to react that time.

"So?" I asked ate.

"So what?" She shot back.

"What's your next step?"

"I don't know," while she placed her bag down on the dining table.

"Will you see her again?"

"I don't know."

"Will she see you again?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to see her again?"

"I don't know either."

"I see."

We stayed silent for a moment. I was still figuring out what was going on in her head.

"Do you miss her?"

"I do, but everything is just so complicated now. And complication is something I can't deal with now."

"We always have a choice."

"Yes. Yes we do."

After a few more moments of silence I grabbed my bag and bade goodbye for work.







Part 3






P.S. The child's name is the combination of my Ate's name and her ex-girlfriend's.

Marco

"I can't."

"Yes you can."

"No I can't, Marco."

"Please?"

"Really. As much as I want to. I still have work."

I tried thinking of a bargain.

"How about tomorrow? Friday?"

"I can't, G. Tomorrow I have work."

"Then let's schedule that by Saturday?"

"Fine."

"So be it."

He finally agreed.

"By the way, what's your name?"

"Marco. Yours?"

"G."

"That's a nice name Marco." I added.

"Thanks."

"You have a nice body too."

"Thank you G. You too. But I really have not worked out for months now."

"Really? Man, I wish I could do that and not worry."

"I actually want to get fatter."

*Silence

"Seriously?" I felt he seemed ridiculous.

"Seriously."

'Haha."

"Why?"

"Because you're really boastful!"

"I'm not. ;)"

"You are."

"No, I'm not G."

"By the way, where do you work?"

"I work as a part-time teacher in Alabang. How about you?"

"I work as a Health Coach in Taguig."

"That's nice."

"Thanks. Your work is nice too!" I told him.

"Yeah. I believe that children really are the future."

"I believe so too. :) So...do you want to talk about your breakup?"

"Nah. I believe we'll leave that for Saturday."

"Alright. Looking forward."

And with that I flipped my phone and tried falling to sleep.






Part 2

Marco

"I hate you."

A random guy suddenly messaged me in Hornet.

"What did I do?"

I asked him.

"You're ignoring me."

"I wasn't trying to ignore you." I replied.

"Then why didn't you message me?" He asked.

*Silence

"Well?"

"Well, now we're talking." I said.

"Yeah. I guess."

"So what are we going to talk about?" I asked.

"I have just been from a breakup." He told me.

"I am sorry to know that. If you want to talk more about it, I'm here." I empathically said.

"Let's talk in person. Now." He insisted.

I was surprised.

"Why?" I blurted.

"I need someone to talk to."

"But I have work later. And I had just come home from work. Please understand."

"No." He answered.





Part 1

Final Words

Dear B,

I still have not figured out how to write the perfect letter for you. I could start by saying 'sorry' or 'thank you', either of the two seems appropriate. But as our emotions finally distanced, mine especially, I am finding it more and more difficult to even start composing anything meaningful for you. It is true and to the best of my intentions, I wanted to get back with you. The month of March really made it hard for some reason. The idle moments aggravated it. Weekends were hell. Heck, I had a struggle with last month too but it has somehow abated. I took a three-day off to think things through. Everyone thought I was going out of town but I was just at home.

And found my worth, again. I think I had enough.

Perhaps you have moved on earlier than I did and that is okay. That is great. And I should be happy for you. I have to be. Exes have to be happy for their ex-partners. That is the rule, the law that governs the past relationships.

In breakups, it is almost always a race to find happiness and recovery earlier.

What is the point of this writing, B?

To tell you that I am okay. And that we will be okay - in time.

And if we see each other crossing paths again for some random reason, I will give you a thumbs up and smile from afar. No drama. No scandal. No teary eyes.

Because B, you will always have a place in my heart.





"And in this loveless world it may be that it's wiser to dream than to awake." - Dr. Hawkins, The Enchantress of Florence by Salman Rushdie

Time

They say time heals wounds. I believe that. I am getting better now. The last few weeks had been pure torture and rumination.

I tried reaching out to you though, really did my best, tried to sort things out and hold our moments together. But you shunned me away. Replied apathetic messages.

Okay, I deserve that.

But I think I deserve more too.

I'm disappointed in me for not treating you better.

I'm disappointed in you for not thinking better.

But everything is okay now.

You have your own life and I have mine.

The icing on the cake? You have social apps again.

And that's when I realized we're better off.

So if you see me there, you can swipe to the left.

Because I already did.

Tip Of The Iceberg

Nothing seems to work anymore.

Nothing seems to be going right anymore.

My year started not so good with our breakup then I thought it would get better, I was optimistic. But nowadays it has turned for the worst.

Inside the public jeep while on the way to work I was listening to Selena Gomez's song "The Heart Wants What It Wants".

It got me. Really bad.

If this is a delayed reaction post-breakup heartache then I don't want to experience this any longer.

The hole you left in my heart is as wide as I couldn't have imagined. The heart bleeds everyday, dripping as if it could go on forever.

But it couldn't.

There's no forever.

No 'you', no 'me', no 'us'. Not anymore.

Our memories, mostly your memories, I keep in my mind and my heart.

Hopefully I'd be able to push them back as wonderful memories just waiting to be experienced again. With you. With someone. With anyone.

Memories that I'll come to cherish, not now, but in its perfect time.

Till then...thank you for letting me love you.



"This is a modern fairy tale.
No happy endings.
No wind in our sail.
But I can't imagine life without you." -Selena Gomez

Pretty Hurts

I have always considered myself a simple type of guy when it comes to looking for a partner. I don't really care what he looks like as long as he is presentable to people. But that is really where the irony of life begins...we all have our ideal boyfriends: from the tall to the buff, from the fair-skinned to lean, from the goal-driven corporate executive to the very independent individual.

While I was realizing that, "Well, hey I'm not that simple after all" moment, I also realized how my standards just changed from the simple to the totally ridiculous. And somehow it made me more confused than ever.

Walking through the years as a gay man with different partners made me see the spectrum and the timeline of what I want an individual to be my partner: one moment I want him to be like this, the next second I want someone to be like this. It's insane.

When I was younger, things were simpler: chat with someone, meet, perhaps hook-up, and then make him your partner. That was the yesteryear. Now it's all different. Everyone seems to have upped their ante. And I mean everyone, gays and straights alike.

They say what we look for in a partner, the ones we lack. And somehow, and just recently, I believe that is a fact.

And so while Grindr was 'all fun and games until someone gets emotionally attached', I have deleted the application yet again. I figured my standards in looking for a partner were all just piling up like trash, and pretty soon, no one will ever meet the criteria.


So I ask you, are you happy with yourself and your self-imposed standards?

Single And Ready To Mingle

Bring out the Tanduay Ice and save me a place on the ledge boys because G is back with a vengeance.

Cloud Storage

One week and three days. That's how long we have broken up.

I still think of you from time to time. But not like last week. I did cry a little, but not as much as I lost Chloe, my pet cat.

Ate asked me over the weekend if you're coming over. She told me she feels different with you not around over the weekend, especially Sundays. I do too.

I smiled at her and told a white lie. I told her you were busy with work.

Oh yeah, congrats on being promoted too. I know you deserve the promotion.

You were never my world. I told you that beforehand. You were part of it, yes, a large part of it, but never my world.

My sadness has ebbed for now. Our memories I hold dear. Our trips, our dinner dates, our lunch-outs - all stored within a small part of my memory. They can never be replaced thanks to you.

And as I browsed through photos of our pictures together: in Cebu, in Ilocos, in Serenitea, I think we had a great time. And we did our best to make it work.

So our photos will be stored in Google Drive where I can look at them from time to time and think of you from time to time. And hope that you think of me from time to time as well.




"There are no good or bad breakups. Just breakups."

Lies, Lies, and More Lies

When an ex-partner tells you after your break-up that he'll always be there even though...


Dude, we won't even break up if you told me you'll always be there.