Lola

Meine Großmutter ist gestorben.

Mein Herzlichen Beileid sagen die Leute.

Ich bin sehr traurig.

My lola was not able to graduate elementary. She was the oldest from a brood of 9.

She sold furniture and lent money to people. She was traveling from Manila to Benguet and vice-versa with all her goods.

She was selling, talking, convincing people to buy her goods. She’s outstanding in that manner. She was a woman of great strength and character. A feisty woman.

A woman with a good heart and a great mind.

She can add, divide, multiply, and subtract money in a few seconds. She knows the trade and barter so well.

I wished I was as good as her in math!

She was the most hard-working woman I know.

She even worked as a babysitter in the US, even when she was nearing her senior years.

Deswegen habe ich jetzt Schwierigkeiten, die sie nicht mehr hier ist.

And when our family were having problems, she was the one who took care of us and provided us everything: from allowance, to good food, to love and care, and to some extent, a good sermon.

But she does love roughly.

She wanted us to learn how to do chores. And man, was she tough!

She always wanted the dishes to be rinsed twice. She wanted the floor to be thoroughly scrubbed. She was so OC with the clothes that laundry day was my most hated day because it was so tiring! She rinses clothes three times!

But she also taught me perseverance, strength and hard work. Of which I am still nothing compared to her.

And I thank her so much for that.

Gutes Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, Lola. Ich wünsche dich, dass du ein guten Leben hast.

Wir treffen uns im Zukunft.

Ich liebe dich sehr gerne.

“It takes courage to say good-bye to everything and cross a threshold without knowing any idea where it leads.” - Alma, The Japanese Lover by Isabel Allende

Herbst

My lola died this Tuesday.

And my tito died today.

I took a leave from work to reflect and meditate on these recent events.

It is like the season here now - Fall.

People have fallen. Important people in my life have fallen. It is too much to bear.

I looked at a tree near the apartment, its leaves were a mix of green and brown. The newly bloomed ones and the decaying.

The brown leaves had also fallen. Either made by the wind, or they have lost the clutch to life and simply fell.

The reason I was not able to shake off today's stress was because I held on to the good memories from these people.

According to Buddhist scriptures, people suffer due to attachments.

I, too, even with all my chanting and practicing Buddhism, am still suffering due to attachments.

Why?

Because they reminded me of my childhood. A good childhood.

For years since elementary, I was already taking annual vacations at my tito's place:

Because there I felt happiness with my cousins.

We'd play the Sega Megadrive, PS1 and PS2 non-stop. There were even days when we played and talked until the wee hours of the morning.

We'd eat to our hearts' content.

We'd watch anime till it's time for dinner.

We'd go out on weekends and share laughs.

Tito's family also brought me to Enchanted Kingdom.

And my lola. I know we're not close. I was not her favorite. I knew it from the start. She had tons of grandkids to deal with.

But I know she tried her best to be fair.

Every year, when they go home from the US, she would give us something: A toy, chocolates, a pair of shoes or anything that she and my lolo could afford. They gave everything that they could to their grandkids.

Those were my most memorable times.

And I am still clinging to it - sub-consciously.

They were bliss and joy.

As I am typing on this laptop while still fathoming... At least, they are in a better place.

That is all we can hope for.

So to Lola Ellen and Tito Rey, masaya ako at nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon na naging parte kayo ng buhay ko.

Maraming, maraming salamat. My childhood was an awesome one because of you two.

"We work in the dark - we do what we can - we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art. - Henry James, Taken from Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi

Lipad

 "Wala na si tita, kuya."

Sambit bigla ng kapatid ko sa Pinas.

Hindi ko alam ano ang magiging reaksyon ko nung panahong iyon dahil kakagising ko lang. Wala pa ulirat.

Ito talaga ang hirap ng asa ibang bansa. Ang mawalay sa mga mahal mo sa buhay.

Ang tita ko, isa siya sa mga nagpalaki sa amin. Siya ang kasama namin simula pagkabata...

Tinuruan niya ako ng mga kanta tulad ng, 'Doe, a deer..."

Isinasama niya kami sa SM Megamall para magpadevelop ng mga litrato.

Tinuruan mo ako sa Math kahit mahina ako dito.

Tinulungan mo kami sa panahong wala kaming pambayad ng tuition.

Tyinaga mo kami kahit sapat lamang ang kinikita mo.

Tiniis mong maging pangalawang ina.

Kaya naman labis ang hinagpis ko ngayon habang tinitipa ang mga tamang letra at salita para sa iyo.

Iba talaga ang buhay, ano?

Pero gayunpaman, masaya ako at malaya ka na.

Walang pagising-gising sa gabi dahil sa sakit.

Walang iiyak ng pasikreto.

Walang hirap na mararamdaman.

Pero sana nayakap kita ng mahigpit ng isa pang beses bago ka bumitaw.

I hope I did you proud.

'Cause I sure am very proud of you...Very proud of you.

Mahal kita, tita. Mahal na mahal kita.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Victor

 

Manila, Philippines 2020. ECQ Day 30.

 

My head was throbbing from an afternoon nap. I pulled my laptop from the sleeve, turned its power on, and waited for it to open. I entered my PIN - **** - PLEASE WAIT.

 

“Here I go again.” I mumbled.

 

I thought we had it all figured out. I thought the government had it all figured out. I thought the people had it all figured out. But here we are: Some scrambling for food; some waiting for the government’s help; some waiting from companies for a call, a text, or an email; some fighting to survive their daily devils.

 

I was the latter. Jobless, nearly penniless with government-mandated contributions piling up and struggling with my depression. It was one of those days where I have been searching for hundreds of companies, hoping to get an answer from one of them. My options were nearly 0 to nil.

 

Pressing the Yahoomail icon – 0 messages. I cringed. I then opened Linkedin, Jobstreet, JobsDB, Kalibrr and Facebook Jobs. I was desperate. I needed something to get my mind off home. My head throbbed again. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

 

The numbers are increasing. We hear the news that the numbers are doubling. Hospitals are getting full to the brim: PGH, Lung Center of the Philippines, RITM are not allowing patients anymore. We have heard comrade healthcare workers who have fallen and lost the battle: doctors and nurses, especially. We have heard relatives of relatives who have fallen from battle.

 

We, too, are nearly falling from this battle from an invisible giant we cannot seem to extinguish.

 

The government’s efforts have been fruitless, to say the least. There is no stopping this virus. And it not only is affecting lives of thousands of people but a massive surge of loss of livelihood and income. The country was really in total mess.

 

“Never give up. Do not give up.” I strongly encouraged myself while I opened my eyes and pressed at recommended jobs shown on the screen.

 

While the government figured out contingency plans, press conferences and tallied total recoveries and deaths, we, the people are placing our hands together for restoration of faith on ourselves – humanity.

 

Donation drives, charity events and small acts of kindness do not go unnoticed. This is the Filipino people I have known and loved. They are part also of an invisible force greater than this pandemic – empathy.

 

Our country is at two faces: the best and the worst. And while everyone is suffering because of what is happening as of the moment, there are also times of beautiful scenarios such as random people helping less fortunate people getting fed daily, family members supporting each other – no matter what the cost.

 

And then the government could not sustain the economy on hard lockdown anymore: From Enhanced Community Quarantine to Modified Enhanced Community Quarantine (MECQ), then from MECQ to General Community Quarantine. People started going out and working again. I, too, found a job during MECQ. I finally felt human again. We were somehow able to go back to how things were pre-pandemic.

 

Then the numbers tripled, no, quadrupled! From hundreds to thousands. And yet the government is telling us a whole different story: That bed capacities of certain hospitals are still okay, that they are still doing great despite what the statistics are showing, that the vaccines will be going on a great roll-out, and people will be vaccinated – young and old.

 

Everyone all prayed and hoped for this day to come! We celebrated with friends and relatives and forgot the norms even if we are still under the curse of the pandemic. Restaurants, gyms, spas and malls opened once again to the people. Oh how happy everyone was…

 

Manila, Philippines 2021. ECQ Day 7.

 

I remembered it oh-so-well. It was a Friday. The government had just announced that we are back to ECQ. The dark phase where people lost livelihood and lives. We are back in this cycle together. Some mockingly called it Season 2. Some took their anger thru social media with their disgust and hate. Some even sarcastically called it non-essential.

 

All I know is that the country cannot afford the losses anymore. More than the billions of pesos already spent and loans tripling on the line, people are feeling hopeless and vulnerable once more. And people feeling these are more prone towards depression and suicide – one of the silent killers of the world.

 

We should not have done it. We all know this. Yet, we must stay once again inside our houses and do what we can to keep the virus under control. No malls. No gyms. No spas. No unnecessary gallivanting around.

 

As I am writing my thoughts down with a throbbing headache during Holy Week, I think back and reflect on what could have been done should proper education, dissemination information and policy regulation been strictly followed. We are a bull-headed population, like a spoiled brat breaking parents’ rules. We defy what we had been told. That, we have to admit.

 

But I am also positive that as a Filipino, we are resilient and malleable – like a metal or a bamboo – able to withstand the harshest of conditions. This state we are going through is all temporary, just like how our lives were last year.

 

We cannot give up. We have to keep on fighting: just as other countries are fighting for their survival, just like a patient fighting for his life, and just like a struggling family fighting to survive, too. This too shall pass. We are all in this together, believe me, for I have survived depression and COVID simultaneously. It is not the easiest of tasks. But we will escape through hardships as one nation – a stronger nation. For positivity begins with telling ourselves that everything will be back to normal, soon.