Herbst

My lola died this Tuesday.

And my tito died today.

I took a leave from work to reflect and meditate on these recent events.

It is like the season here now - Fall.

People have fallen. Important people in my life have fallen. It is too much to bear.

I looked at a tree near the apartment, its leaves were a mix of green and brown. The newly bloomed ones and the decaying.

The brown leaves had also fallen. Either made by the wind, or they have lost the clutch to life and simply fell.

The reason I was not able to shake off today's stress was because I held on to the good memories from these people.

According to Buddhist scriptures, people suffer due to attachments.

I, too, even with all my chanting and practicing Buddhism, am still suffering due to attachments.

Why?

Because they reminded me of my childhood. A good childhood.

For years since elementary, I was already taking annual vacations at my tito's place:

Because there I felt happiness with my cousins.

We'd play the Sega Megadrive, PS1 and PS2 non-stop. There were even days when we played and talked until the wee hours of the morning.

We'd eat to our hearts' content.

We'd watch anime till it's time for dinner.

We'd go out on weekends and share laughs.

Tito's family also brought me to Enchanted Kingdom.

And my lola. I know we're not close. I was not her favorite. I knew it from the start. She had tons of grandkids to deal with.

But I know she tried her best to be fair.

Every year, when they go home from the US, she would give us something: A toy, chocolates, a pair of shoes or anything that she and my lolo could afford. They gave everything that they could to their grandkids.

Those were my most memorable times.

And I am still clinging to it - sub-consciously.

They were bliss and joy.

As I am typing on this laptop while still fathoming... At least, they are in a better place.

That is all we can hope for.

So to Lola Ellen and Tito Rey, masaya ako at nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon na naging parte kayo ng buhay ko.

Maraming, maraming salamat. My childhood was an awesome one because of you two.

"We work in the dark - we do what we can - we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art. - Henry James, Taken from Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi