Of Madness and Sadness

"Gusto kong malunod sa musika." I told myself while I was warming up for my run.

"GUSTO KONG MALUNOD SA MUSIKA!" Nilakasan ko ang pagsabi sa sarili ko habang bumibilis ang takbo.

Tumingin ako ng derecho. Kinlaro ang isipan. Nilakasan ang headset. Hinanda ang sarili.

Tumakbo ng mabilis na ang tanging pakay ay makatapos ng dalawang ikot.

"How do you deal with sadness?"

I asked several friends over Messenger the other day.

"I write." One of my friends replied.

"I talk to someone." The other one said.

"Salamat. :)"

"Bakit ka malungkot, G?" The first who replied asked.

"Hindi ko din alam."

"Pakiramdam mo ba disconnected ka sa mundo? Sa pamilya? Sa kaibigan?"

"Hindi. Hindi naman."

"So what's causing you to feel that way?" He interrogated.

Inisip kong mabuti ano bang maisasagot ko.

Pinakiramdaman ano ba talaga ang nangyayari at bakit ito nangyayari.

"Naikwento ko sa iyo na hindi pa ako handa sa isang relasyon." Ni-reply ko. "Hindi pa ako handa pero nalulungkot ako kasi nag-iisa ako. Walang security sa sarili. Hinahanap ko sa iba." I continued.

"Naiinis ako kasi hindi naman dapat. Naiinis ako kasi iba ang sinasabi ng isip ko at nararamdaman ko. Naiinis ako kasi kahit anong gawin kong distraction, bumabalik siya."

Bull's eye.

"G, naiintindihan kita. You just have to go with it. Feel your sadness but never feed it."

Alam ko naman yun. Siguro nga kailangan lang talaga ng validation ng ibang tao.

Sabi nila, "To be sad is to be human". Hindi ko alam kung sino'ng nagpasimuno nitong kasabihang ito. Gusto ko siyang tampalin.

Humanism tells us that people do not necessarily need to go through the same experiences as you did in order to feel like them. It is the part of being human that makes you understand them, although not in the complete sense, but close enough.

Ganoon talaga ang buhay ano? Kailangang malungkot para malaman mo ang pakiramdam ng kasiyahan.

Kasi hindi mo naman talaga malalaman at maaasam ang salitang "Kaligayahan" kung hindi ka pa nakararamdam ng kalungkutan.

Tinapos ko ang dalawang ikot sa sementeryo.

Hingal.

Pagod.

Uhaw.

Pero klaro kung saan ako mas lulugar...

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present." Oogway, Kung-fu Panda

Jigsaw Puzzle

"Anak, paano ka na lang pag wala na kami ng Dad mo?"

My Mom randomly mentioned out of the blue while I was in bed and recovering from my recent hospitalization.

"Humanap ka na ng partner."

Napatigil ako sa paglalaro ng phone. Tumingin ako sandali sa kanya.

"Saan naman nanggaling yun, Mom?" I asked in silence.

I got hospitalized twice last month. I had dengue for 4 days and after a few days, had a stomach infection for 5 days.

I was surprised, because physically, I know how capable I am.

You feel omnipotent and indispensable kasi hindi pa ako na-o-ospital simula pagkasilang but when my fever kept going back and forth for days despite taking medications round-the-clock, something's wrong.

Pero ganoon pala ano? Tao ka pa rin pala. Naramdaman ko yun nung sinaksakan na ako ng swero, lumabas ang malapot na dugo at isinalin para makasiguradong may dengue virus nga ako.

I felt human in years.

I felt alive in years.

Recently, I turned 32. Thirty-two years of existence. Tatlumpu't-dalawang taon na akong humihinga dito.

"Buo na ba ako bilang tao?" Tinanong ko sa sarili pagpatak ng alas-dose ng madaling araw ng aking kaarawan.

"Pero kailan nga ba ako hindi naging buo?" Muli kong tanong.

"May kawalan pa din ba akong hinahanap?"

"May tao pa ba akong hinihintay?"

Niyakap ko ang aking unan, tinaklob ang kumot at bumulong nanaman: "Kailangan bang may bubuo sa iyo, G?"

Dahan-dahang tinanggal ang kumot sa katawan, humilata ulit.

"Pero kung hindi ka pa buo bilang tao, hindi ka pa handa. Habang hindi mo pa nabubuo ang sarili mo, hinding-hindi ka magiging handa." Sambit sa sarili.

Tumango ako, umayon sa sinabi ng isipan at muling itinaklob ang kumot upang makatulog.

I felt content in years.

"So that's how it stands. But it's not easy to die beautifully, you know. Because it's not up to you to choose the moment." Lieutenant Hori, Runaway Horses by Yukio Mishima

Stonecold

"Nakabuntis siya ng estudyante..."

Nagkwento bigla si Joy, bago kong katrabaho.

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Hindi ko din kasi alam kung ano ang sasabihin, kaya hinayaan ko na lang din siyang magkwento.

"Labing-isang taon G. Eleven fucking years. Simula high school hangga't pagka-graduate ng college. Pareho pa kaming nag-aral sa Dumaguete para lang mapalapit sa isa't isa."

Tinignan niya ang kanyang Iphone. Nawala sandali sa realidad. She scrolled her Facebook for a while.

Bumalik siya sa realidad malipas ang sandali.

"How do you even do that? How do you waste 11 years of your life?" Joy asked me.

"Hindi ko alam ang kasagutan sa tanong mo...Honestly."

I told her.

Totoo naman. May mga bagay kasi na alam mo na ang sagot pero kailangan mo pa ding itanong. You're validating the sense of it all. If it really does need any type of validation. Or any sense.

"Paano mo nalaman?" I asked her.

She smiled meekly at me.

"Nararamdaman ko na dati pa simula nung bumalik kami from Dumaguete to Dipolog..."

I nodded. "Go on, please."

"Napansin ko na lang bigla na nag-iiba na trato niya sa akin simula nung nakakuha siya ng teaching job pagbalik. Tapos napansin kong may nakikita akong babaeng laging nag-ko-comment-comment sa kanyang FB account. Nagpapasalamat sa pakikipag-usap daw sa kanya."

Dahan-dahan akong nagsalita. "Pero anong ginawa mo?"

"Siyempre tinanong ko naman. Pero ganoon talaga ano, G? You lie a bigger lie. Magsisinungaling ka sa isang mas malaking kasinungalingan."

Naramdaman ko ang kanyang emosyon. Mapait.

Hinayaan ko ulit siyang ipagpatuloy ang kanyang kwento.

"Tapos iyon isang gabi tumawag siya bigla..."

Bumalik siya sa kanyang Iphone.

Naitigil sandali ang kwento.

Tinignan ko na lamang siya.

Mukhang nahirapan ata siyang ipagpatuloy.

Pero naipagpatuloy pa din niya.

"Tumawag siya bigla. Kinwento niya na nakabuntis siya. G, nung panahong iyon, aminado ako, namanhid ang aking katawan. Nawala ako sa ulirat ng sandali. Nawala sa sarili ng kaunti."

"Anong ginawa mo?" Usisa ko naman.

"Nag-motor ako sa bestfriend ko. Ang lakas ng pagkaripas ko sa motor! Naghalo ang hamog, hangin, usok, lungkot, galit, at pagkalito sa aking mga luha. Wala sa isip ko ang madisgrasya nung panahong iyon. Ang alam ko lang kailangan ko ng kausap."

"Grabe Joy. I really don't know what to say."

I placed my hand on her shoulder.

"Salamat. Salamat sa pakikinig."

Ngumiti siya. Bumalik ang Joy na nakilala ko nung unang araw na nagkakilala kami.

"Hindi ka na humingi pa ng closure?"

"Para saan pa? Hihingi ka ng closure when you don't know why it happened. Nakabuntis siya. Ano pang closure makukuha ko?"

"Ang tatag mo." I told her. And I mean it.

"Kaya ba lumuwas ka dito? Para makalimot?"

"Parte na din iyon. Barkada siya ni kuya. Magkasama sila sa banda. Maliit lamang ang iniikutan naming mundo."

"Naiintindihan kita. Alam mo bang sumugal ako sandali sa Cebu para makalimot? Tatlong buwan. Haha!"

Napatawa na lang ako.

"Sa huli naisip ko na lalayo ako para maka-move on pero mas lalo ko siyang naiisip. Biruin mo 2015 pa kami wala pero 2016 nagmo-move-on pa din ako?"

Tinignan niya lang ako. Biglaan akong napakwento ng wala sa oras.

"Kinasal na sila last year. Umiyak ako nun. Masakit pero yun ang katotohanan. Nakita ako ng boyfriend kong umiiyak nun at bigla na lang niya akong naintindihan."

"Maswerte ka sa boyfriend mo."

"Sinabi mo pa. Na kahit ganoon ang nangyari, nagkaroon naman ako ng mas maayos pa. Kahit first love ko siya."

Tinapos niya ang kwento. Nagpaalam ako para bumalik ng opisina at siya naman ay bumaba para mag-yosi.

"When we fall in love we are filled with the sense of how defenseless human beings are, and we tremble at the daily existence we have led in blissful obliviousness until this time. For this reason people are occasionally made virtuous by love." - Mrs. Kaburagi, Forbidden Colors by Yukio Mishima

Maligayang Kaarawan, Kaibigan

"I'm 25. Hindi pa siya masyadong nag-si-sink-in."

Jan told me while he was driving me back from our dinner at the mall.

"What realizations did you have?" I asked him.

He kept his eyes focused on the road.

"That I could have done so much more..."

Knowing people who hit their 25th year. I too had the same sentiment.

"Paano'ng could have done so much more?" I asked further.

"That I wish I had done this and that. That I could have perfected my craft. That I could have excelled in my craft."

Naiintindihan ko siya.

Nagulat lang ako kasi I was not expecting that from him.

I have known him for a couple of years now. We talk about life - its ironies, hyperboles, idiosyncrasies and what not. We've talked about lots of things such as his work in their church, his plans on pursuing music and his frustrations in life. We've had our fair shares of dinner and drinks over the past few years. But nothing as serious as what we were discussing.

"Pero Jan, andiyan ka na. You're 25. Looking back, you know, I think you've done such a wonderful job.

Tumango siya. Napaisip.

"Tama ka, G. Pero there's this gnawing feeling that I could have done better."

"May ikukwento ako sa iyo...Remember when I met Beans last weekend?"

"Ah, yes."

"I remembered his elaborate story about how he already planned out his whole life from grade school..."

Kinwento ko sa kanya na Beans already had plans of becoming a doctor since he was a kid. That he wanted to live simply: buy a car, have a partner, celebrate simple things in life and just enjoy life in general.

Pero hindi nangyari iyon...

Beans was a straight-A student since grade school until college. But for some reason, he was hit by a curveball. He got depression during his Med school. His mom was so hopeful that he would be finishing school early kasi nga achiever eh. So he got depressed and needed to stop schooling for a year. He needed to recover and recuperate.

"Beans is getting up slowly now. So you see Jan, we all have our stories to tell. But just because you didn't achieve the goal that you wanted at a certain age doesn't mean you're not going to get it someday."

I told him while he parked out the house.

"Ikaw G, what do you do on your birthdays?"

"I don't celebrate it." I told him bluntly.

"I'm not the least bit surprised."

"Gago."

We laughed.

"And it's not that I don't want to celebrate it with family or friends. It's just that...At the end of the day, I go into this retrospective phase na, 'Okay, I'm 31 now. What could I have done better when I was 30?'" "And you know, I always go into this mode of self-awareness. Keep a check-and-balance of things especially how I think from an emotional and intellectual standpoint. How I act and react when I'm happy, depressed, frustrated, disappointed, agitated and everything in between."

"Salamat. I appreciate the talk."

"Welcome and thank you too for taking the time to have dinner with me. Let's have drinks soon. And please, don't hesitate to talk to me when things bother you."

And with that I closed his car, went inside the house and prepared myself to sleep.

Hope-ia

"Pero Paolo, alam mo yun? I was so..."

Lester smashed his fist onto his palm.

"I was so ready for a relationship."

He ended his sentence with a sigh.

Lester and Mark have been spending time for a few months. Si Lester nagtatrabaho para sa isang manufacturing company while Mark works as an environmentalist.

Nakatigil ang kotse. Tinignan ko siya. Traffic.

"Naiintindihan kita pero what can you do? You don't have the upper hand to begin with."

"I know...I know."

The streetlight turned green. Pinaandar niya ulit ang kotse.

"Na-intense ka masyado kasi sa kanya. So paano mo nalamang hindi pa siya handa?"

I was curious.

"I asked him outright. I asked him if he's ready to have a relationship with me."

"And I'm guessing you didn't get the answer that you needed."

He nodded.

"Ang hirap talaga niyan ano? Hindi mo alam paano mo tatanungin o paano mo sisimulan kung alam mo na ang sagot ng wala siyang binabanggit."

"Totoo yan. Kaya ako naiinis."

"Pero kasi Lester ganoon talaga ang buhay. May mga kailangan tayong itanong kasi kahit alam na natin ang sagot sa una pa lang, kailangan natin mismo ng validation."

"Naiintindihan kita. Sobra. Ganyan din mga pinagdaanan ko. Mas marami pa sa iyo." I added.

"Pero kasi ikaw bata ka pa."

"I'm turning 32. Titong-tito na ako. You can just imagine that we're not ages apart."

We laughed.

"I'm nearly 40. And you know at the end of the day iisipin at iisipin mo talaga kung meron para sa iyo."

Tumigil ang kotse sa parking lot.

Tumigil din sandali ang pag-uusap namin.

Naniniwala pa din ba tayo doon?

Maniniwala pa din ba tayo doon?

Naniwala ba tayo doon?

Pinaniwala ba tayo doon?

I opened the car door simultaneously with his.

Closed it tight.

Napabulong na lang ako, "Sana naman."

*Nagbuhat ako kagabi at napatingin nanaman sa buwan. Ang ganda nito. Crescent-shaped but not perfect. I remembered you. I remembered I took a photo of the moon when I apologized to you. One of my many, many apologies. Naisip ko kahit isang bilyong beses pa akong mag-sorry bumalik ka lang.

I wish you happiness in Australia.

Mga Aral

"Your failures will be your successes in life," Mama Nes told me while we were eating sandwich outside the Sandwich Guy kiosk.

Nes is a good friend and colleague of mine who has been mentoring me for the past year.

He knows all of my confusions and doubts.

"Pero Nes ang hirap din kasi," I defended.

"Andami ko nang failures in life I feel it outweighs all my successful stories," I continued while biting out of my Asian tofu sandwich.

"Alam mo G, and this is coming from experience, people fail all the time. You know I've been around countries. You know what my hardships were. You know too where I spent my hardships."

I looked at him.

Na-happy ako. This guy in front of me is telling me all his stories of failure and kalokohan, his life stories and experiences, his regrets and memories while contrasting it with his words of encouragement and enthusiasm to try again.

I listened.

"If you failed that means something went wrong. The only thing you need to do is go back to the drawing board, figure out where you failed, check again and apply," He continued.

"There's a huge difference between failing and quitting from failing and trying again."

That's true. My vegan business isn't a huge hit as much as I want it to be. Nakakabenta naman ako sa office pero naisip ko hindi kasi sapat na makabenta lang. I have to know as well proper strategies to research, finance, market, and expand. Things that are still on my pending tasks.

"Nahihirapan ka siguro dahil masyadong mataas mga pangarap mo."

Nagulat ako.

I was not expecting that from him.

Kasi totoo.

I'm putting too much pressure on myself too much to be where I need to be at a certain age. Achiever dapat. Hindi pwedeng mediocre. Hindi pwedeng average.

"Kasi Nes hindi ko din naman maiwasan. All my cousins and friends are very successful," I rationalized. "Lahat sila I consider them a role model kahit mas bata pa sa akin kasi magagaling sila but the downside to that is pakiramdam ko I can't compete with them at their level."

"Okay, sige, I understand G."

Tumahimik at tumingin siya sa akin.

Tinignan ko din siya pabalik. Kinikilatis kung anong sasabihin pa niya.

"G, always do what makes you happy."

We both finished our food and left the kiosk, with insights in life that we can treasure for a lifetime.

First Noble Truth

"All life is suffering."

Dyan mentioned to me while we were returning from Cambodia to Vietnam.

The bus was already near-border.

I listened intently.

"It's called Dukkha - the First Noble Truth of Buddhism." She went on.

'"But for Buddhism, in order to attain that sense of enlightenment or "Nirvana", one has to suffer everyday."'

"Talagang araw-araw? Kailangan talaga iyon?" I inquired.

"Oo."

"So today you suffered and tomorrow you will also suffer. It resets daily."

"And that's when the problem lie. They think that because today they suffered, tomorrow would be a better one."

She went on while eating a piece of bread.

Tama naman siya. Ganoon mag-isip ang tao. Pati na rin ako.

Sino ba namang gustong makaranas ng paghihirap araw-araw? I surely don't. And I know majority of the people don't.

"Kasi yung desire natin kailangang pantay." She continued.

"Paano'ng pantay when it comes to desire?"

She narrated an example, "Let's say you desire beer..."

"Bakit beer?!"

"Example nga lang!"

We laughed.

"So there is desire for beer. Nung wala pa yung beer inaasam-asam mo na siya. It's something that you want, and then you order one. So when the waiter gave you the beer, you drink it. While you were drinking it, you're also desiring that moment. Then naubos na. Now when that comes, you desired the moment na naubos na siya and want some more."

Her story ended.

"Now that's what Buddhism teaches us, that we have to suffer because we still have not reached that equal desires kaya pag nawala siya, hindi mo siya hahanapin. Kasi nga equal desires."

"That also applies to attachments - whatever attachments mean to you."

I love the premise. Ang ganda ng pagkakakwento niya, that desires and attachments should have equal footing.

The premise is good but inculcating it to real life is difficult.

Because people think the world can be unfair, right?

But when you go introspectively, you say to yourself: "Well, it's not really that bad."

And I think that's how you go on living. You live with the moment. That everyday is a fresh new start. You may suffer, yes, but that doesn't mean you cannot attain happiness as well.

So here I am writing about happiness while having a bout of depression.

Suffering yet the desire to fight weighs more. Much, much more.

The bus halted at the border. Passengers were advised to go down. We slowly got up, took our bags and went out of the bus.

Dyan finished her bread while I took a huge gulp of soymilk from the plastic bottle.

"It seems to me that certain patterns of thoughts are so simple and one-sided that they become irresistible." - Toru Okada, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami