Maligayang Kaarawan, Kaibigan

"I'm 25. Hindi pa siya masyadong nag-si-sink-in."

Jan told me while he was driving me back from our dinner at the mall.

"What realizations did you have?" I asked him.

He kept his eyes focused on the road.

"That I could have done so much more..."

Knowing people who hit their 25th year. I too had the same sentiment.

"Paano'ng could have done so much more?" I asked further.

"That I wish I had done this and that. That I could have perfected my craft. That I could have excelled in my craft."

Naiintindihan ko siya.

Nagulat lang ako kasi I was not expecting that from him.

I have known him for a couple of years now. We talk about life - its ironies, hyperboles, idiosyncrasies and what not. We've talked about lots of things such as his work in their church, his plans on pursuing music and his frustrations in life. We've had our fair shares of dinner and drinks over the past few years. But nothing as serious as what we were discussing.

"Pero Jan, andiyan ka na. You're 25. Looking back, you know, I think you've done such a wonderful job.

Tumango siya. Napaisip.

"Tama ka, G. Pero there's this gnawing feeling that I could have done better."

"May ikukwento ako sa iyo...Remember when I met Beans last weekend?"

"Ah, yes."

"I remembered his elaborate story about how he already planned out his whole life from grade school..."

Kinwento ko sa kanya na Beans already had plans of becoming a doctor since he was a kid. That he wanted to live simply: buy a car, have a partner, celebrate simple things in life and just enjoy life in general.

Pero hindi nangyari iyon...

Beans was a straight-A student since grade school until college. But for some reason, he was hit by a curveball. He got depression during his Med school. His mom was so hopeful that he would be finishing school early kasi nga achiever eh. So he got depressed and needed to stop schooling for a year. He needed to recover and recuperate.

"Beans is getting up slowly now. So you see Jan, we all have our stories to tell. But just because you didn't achieve the goal that you wanted at a certain age doesn't mean you're not going to get it someday."

I told him while he parked out the house.

"Ikaw G, what do you do on your birthdays?"

"I don't celebrate it." I told him bluntly.

"I'm not the least bit surprised."

"Gago."

We laughed.

"And it's not that I don't want to celebrate it with family or friends. It's just that...At the end of the day, I go into this retrospective phase na, 'Okay, I'm 31 now. What could I have done better when I was 30?'" "And you know, I always go into this mode of self-awareness. Keep a check-and-balance of things especially how I think from an emotional and intellectual standpoint. How I act and react when I'm happy, depressed, frustrated, disappointed, agitated and everything in between."

"Salamat. I appreciate the talk."

"Welcome and thank you too for taking the time to have dinner with me. Let's have drinks soon. And please, don't hesitate to talk to me when things bother you."

And with that I closed his car, went inside the house and prepared myself to sleep.