Hope-ia

"Pero Paolo, alam mo yun? I was so..."

Lester smashed his fist onto his palm.

"I was so ready for a relationship."

He ended his sentence with a sigh.

Lester and Mark have been spending time for a few months. Si Lester nagtatrabaho para sa isang manufacturing company while Mark works as an environmentalist.

Nakatigil ang kotse. Tinignan ko siya. Traffic.

"Naiintindihan kita pero what can you do? You don't have the upper hand to begin with."

"I know...I know."

The streetlight turned green. Pinaandar niya ulit ang kotse.

"Na-intense ka masyado kasi sa kanya. So paano mo nalamang hindi pa siya handa?"

I was curious.

"I asked him outright. I asked him if he's ready to have a relationship with me."

"And I'm guessing you didn't get the answer that you needed."

He nodded.

"Ang hirap talaga niyan ano? Hindi mo alam paano mo tatanungin o paano mo sisimulan kung alam mo na ang sagot ng wala siyang binabanggit."

"Totoo yan. Kaya ako naiinis."

"Pero kasi Lester ganoon talaga ang buhay. May mga kailangan tayong itanong kasi kahit alam na natin ang sagot sa una pa lang, kailangan natin mismo ng validation."

"Naiintindihan kita. Sobra. Ganyan din mga pinagdaanan ko. Mas marami pa sa iyo." I added.

"Pero kasi ikaw bata ka pa."

"I'm turning 32. Titong-tito na ako. You can just imagine that we're not ages apart."

We laughed.

"I'm nearly 40. And you know at the end of the day iisipin at iisipin mo talaga kung meron para sa iyo."

Tumigil ang kotse sa parking lot.

Tumigil din sandali ang pag-uusap namin.

Naniniwala pa din ba tayo doon?

Maniniwala pa din ba tayo doon?

Naniwala ba tayo doon?

Pinaniwala ba tayo doon?

I opened the car door simultaneously with his.

Closed it tight.

Napabulong na lang ako, "Sana naman."

*Nagbuhat ako kagabi at napatingin nanaman sa buwan. Ang ganda nito. Crescent-shaped but not perfect. I remembered you. I remembered I took a photo of the moon when I apologized to you. One of my many, many apologies. Naisip ko kahit isang bilyong beses pa akong mag-sorry bumalik ka lang.

I wish you happiness in Australia.