To Where Life Leads Us

"Iniwan ko ang lahat..." The caretaker from Siquijor said to me while I waited for my ride back to the port.

I looked at her while she sat by the window and waited for a text from her son, her sibling who takes care of her son or from other people needing to book the place.

She inhaled deeply.

"Sa huli, iniwan din ako. Eh di binigay ko na lang din siya sa kabit niya."

She smiled faintly.

I smiled back.

"Pero ang hirap pala nun, ano? Para kang mababaliw. Asa Saudi ka nagpapakahirap para sa kanila tapos malalaman mong may iba nang nilalandi asawa mo."

She looked outside the house and looked back at her phone.

Tumingin ako sa oras - 9:15 na ng umaga - 9:30 pa ang dating nung tricycle driver.

"Kaya po ba umuwi kayo agad?"

"Oo," She said with conviction. "Umuwi ako, iniwan ko ang trabaho ko at ang kontrata ko. Nawala na ang lahat."

"Ano na pong balak niyo?" I asked.

"Sasabak ako ulit. Kailangang makalabas ulit ng bansa. Ngayon para lang sa anak ko."

"Pero wala na po ba kayong makitang ibang trabaho bukod dito?"

"Maliit. Kulang. Hindi sapat para sa gamot ng anak ko. Naubos ipon ko sa kanya"

I nodded and understood her.

Her son has juvenile diabetes.

"Pero buti buhay po ang anak niyo." I replied.

She gave me the weakest smile, as if my statement gave little encouragement.

"Kaya kailangan makaalis ulit by next year at sana mabait ulit ang amo'ng mapupuntahan ko."

She smiled again.

She told me her employers in Hong Kong and Saudi were wonderful people. She was treated fairly well. She went on to narrate her stories of traveling to Japan, China and London.

"Grabe po kayo! Naunahan niyo ako!" I exclaimed.

"Pero hindi lahat masarap. The moment we stepped at the airport, buhay na kaagad nakataya. Hindi namin alam kung makakabalik pa kaming buhay."

And that is true.

Mukha lang dignified at masaya na makikita mong may dalang malalaking maleta at hand-carry luggages sila at may tatak ang mga pasaporte nila pa-abroad pero hindi nila alam kung kailan sila makakauwi o makakauwi man silang buhay.

"Pero at least, buhay ang anak ko...Buhay pa din ang pangarap ko."

Gusto ko sanang sabihing, "See you next year, ate." Pero mukhang hindi na ito mangyayari muli.

The tricycle driver honked outside. I stood up, got my bag in the room and bid them farewell. And happy trip. To both of us...

'You haven't stopped being a child. You still think that home, at the end of a long journey, is a place where a man finds peace.' - Andrea Doria, The Enchantress of Florence by Salman Rushdie

Flirty One

"Moi, I just turned 31. Grabe ano? Parang kailan lang I turned 30. And now I'm a year older and hopefully wiser," while eating a plate of vegetarian curry in Casablanca, Dumaguete.

I met up with my friend for some lunch and drinks while waiting for my flight back to Manila.

"So anong mga realizations mo?" He asked while savoring his Frutti di Mare.

I spooned some of the curry sauce placed it over the rice and ate.

Anu-ano nga bang mga realizations ko?

"First, I realized that at our age, kailangan nang mag-set ng expectations especially sa relationship!"

We both laughed.

"Totoo naman, when we were younger it was all about ego to ego - kung hindi nagkasundo then break na. Kaloko."

"Second, and I am not sure the reason why but younger guys these days tend to go for guys like us..."

"Napansin ko din." Moi chimed.

"Di ba? It's so weird. Like guys from their early 20's would message me."

"I know! I get the same here too. Pero ako kasi I like guys my age or even 2 to 3 years older," He added. "So, kamusta naman ang pag-iisa mo sa Siquijor? Happy?"

"You know Moi, it's really all about adjustment." I played with my food a little. "I felt the adrenaline rush when I was going back because I have a lot of activities planned pero the moment I hit the sack, I felt lonely for some reason."

I took another forkful of the curry.

"Then I realized, ganoon talaga kasi I am not used to being alone. Even when I'm at home, I still live with everyone. So I guess what I felt was what I also felt when I was in Cebu for the first few days."

Moi just looked at me.

"Pero masaya. I couldn't have spent a better birthday being alone and doing the things I like."

"So going back, ano pa ang realizations mo?" Moi again asked.

"Third, that no matter how painful the past, a lesson can only be learned. I don't know if you knew this back but I actually have depression. And you know, the bad breakup really amplified everything."

"Ay! Alam ko yan. I remembered Karl messaging me and telling me to text you, but I was still shy back then because we're not close."

"Oh! Well thank you for telling me that. Natutuwa ako kahit papaano."

"Pero at least, masaya ako. May nakilala ako recently and, well, he makes everything, my everything...alright.

I smiled to Moi and finished our meal before hitting the drinks.

Life Is Not Measured By the Number of Breaths We Take, But By the Moments That Take Our Breath Away

Frozen

"Kuppa tayo."

My friend Dyan invited me when we were gladly eating at Paul with our bread with balsamic vinegar and olive oil.

My eyes widened and I stared at her.

"Bakit?" She got surprised.

"Me and my ex used to go there before..." I told her while tearing another morsel of bread and dipping it on the vinegar.

"Hay, G! Ano ka ba! Anong taon ba yun?!"

"2015."

"Move on na."

"Oo naman. Naka-move on na ako. Grabe ka sa akin!" I jokingly said to her.

We laughed lightly.

"You know what? I realized the moment you go to places where you and your ex used to go to without hesitation, doon mo malalamang okay ka na..."

Bingo.

She exactly read my mind.

Alam niyang ganoon akong tao. I stray away from places where I used to have fond memories with someone.

But still, I hesitated. Wala din naman akong makakain doon. I was just curious how the place looks like two years since I last went there.

Andami palang nangyayari sa isang idlap.

Sometimes sadness takes too long to pass and happiness takes too fast to last.

You cannot go back to the moment but you can go back to your memory.

And I remembered everything quite well.

Pero tama sila at tama si Elsa, "The past is in the past."

I took her unfinished piece of bread, dipped it on vinegar and olive oil, and chewed slowly.

I sighed.

"Sige."

TCA

"Grabe Karl!!! I'm 30 and I just saw a shrink. Can you believe that?"

I told my friend the other day.

"Hay Paolo, okay ka na? I could refer you to a friend of mine too." He replied.

"Hindi ko pa alam Karl. Hindi pa talaga pero balitaan kita." Honestly I don't know how to tackle it heads on.

"Pero what did the psychiatrist tell you." He asked.

"He told me to quit my job!"

We both laughed.

"Pero he mentioned that I look for a day job. He added that having a graveyard shift affects me mentally." I sat at the edge of my bed and took out a paperbag from my cabinet.

"So what are your plans?"

"Masaya ako sa mga kasamahan ko. They keep me sane. For the most part. Siyempre hindi mo maiiwasan na may misunderstandings pero, hello, magkakatabi kami, kami pa ba mag-aaway?!"

I laughed lightly.

"Keep me posted dear." He sounded worried.

"I sure will. Salamat... Maraming salamat." I assured him.

I laid on my bed for a while and stared at the ceiling.

I have depression. I've had it for years.

There was a phase very recently that nothing made sense anymore. As in nothing. And there were even times when waking up felt too taxing.

And then there were times of overwhelming sadness: randomly sobbing for the slightest of reasons. Anywhere. Anytime.

And believe me when I say I tried everything that I could do to help fight it, but it's difficult.

Mindfulness? Check.

Optimistic thoughts? Check.

Positive vibes? Check.

Gym? Check.

Writing poems? Check.

Reading books? Check.

Blogging? Check.

Hip-hop dancing? Check.

Drawing? Check.

Eating comfort foods? Check.

Sleeping better? Check.

Going out with friends? Check.

They say people just sometimes overthink. I overthink and have depression. Those two are different things.

That's why I'm voicing out my story because at the end of the day, mental health matters.

And this is something that we should talk about more often. Seriously.

People think that just because you have issues mentally, "Eh

nababaliw ka na".

It's stigmatizing at its best.

That's wrong and should be stopped.

"What did he give you?" Karl asked some more.

"Sabi niya he wants me to sleep better so he gave me Remeron, an antidepressant. He said I should take half a tab before sleeping." I took it out of the Mercury paperbag. Played with its packaging and returned it inside my cabinet.

"Kamusta naman?"

"Nakakaantok. More powerful than your antihistamine. I took half a tab on the first day and felt super groggy even with 9 hours of sleep."

"Ano'ng ginawa mo?"

"Adjusted the dose to 1/4 tab. And that still made me groggy. Malakas siya so I had to stop taking it daily. Hindi ako makatrabaho ng maayos."

"Pero nakakatulong ba?"

"Oo, it helps. I don't overthink much and I don't have much ideations. It's working but it has its side effects."

It works for now.

I breathed heavily and walked downstairs to have my dose of coffee.

So here I am your typical guy - humorous, makulit, funny, witty, sarcastic, hard-working, outgoing, sociable, an ambivert, loner, impatient, and adventurous - who just happens to have depression too.

12 PM

*12PM, Monday

"Wooohooo!!!"

I shouted at the top of my lungs while we were speeding along TPLEX.

"Putangina!!!

Wooohooo!!!" The loudest shout I did in my entire life.

"This is the most fun I had! Thank you!" I looked at him and gave him my widest smile.

*8AM, Monday

We were watching The Voice Teens knockout rounds when someone randomly messaged him. I caught glimpse of it.

It had a term of endearment.

"I wanna read the message."

"What?" He asked.

"I said I wanna read the message." My tone was more forceful.

"No." He replied.

"Yes I do. I have the right to know. I'm your partner."

"No you don't have to know."

"Why? Did you sleep with whoever messaged you?"

I was already becoming frantic and placing my things inside my bag randomly.

"I have something to tell you..."

We sat down at the edge of the bed.

"I am still with my partner in Singapore." He looked at my face.

The silence was deafening. I didn’t even know what I was doing.

"I wanna go home." I was sobbing and my hands were shaking simultaneously. "I wanna go home. Please take me home now."

I grabbed my bag but because of the shaking it was difficult opening the sliding door.

I couldn't breathe well. I couldn't think well.

I was trying my best to grasp the situation.

Finally I was able to open the door and get out of the room. I felt I was about to pass out.

He opened the gate while I waited for him and placed my bag on top of the car.

I looked at him opening the gate.

And felt a fit of rage.

I grabbed my bag and threw it.

"Putangina naman!"

I threw the bag again and when it fell, I kicked it as hard as I can. I then gave my most sardonic laughter. I just couldn't believe what was happening.

My emotions were running high. So high that I couldn't explain what I was feeling anymore.

Part 1

Parangal

"Ma, tulog na tayo."

It was already late at night but she was still mixing the glutinous rice in a large pot.

"Sige anak mauna ka na. Kailangan pang tapusin ito kasi."

"Gising ka na lang ng maaga..."

"Hindi pwede anak walang ititinda bukas ng umaga."

My mom had done odd jobs before, from working at a canteen, to selling native delicacies at the munisipyo, to selling privilege cards to people. It might not be the "ideal" work as a HRM graduate but she did make ends meet.

Life was hard. I remembered there was a time when we were eating canned mackerel everyday, and those canned mackerels were credited on my dad's list which was paid on a "pag-nakaluwag-luwag" basis.

I have got to admit I was not the proud son that I could have been. I can see my mom's determination, hard work and effort in cooking every single day to add to the family's increasing demands, but when you compare them to your classmates' or cousins' parents who are mostly working in the corporate world with matching blazers and leather shoes...Your mom's seem nil.

And that's where I was wrong.

Each and everyday she would put all her efforts purchasing, mixing, checking, tasting, and wrapping or placing all her products to be sold. She did it with passion. She did it for love.

She did it for us.

And so Mom, now that our lives are much easier and much better I want to say thank you for everything you have done for us.

I may not say it everyday but I mean it in the proudest-son-kind-of-way.

"Proud akong maging anak mo at proud na proud akong naitaguyod niyo kami."

Of Seas and Scenes

"O, kumalma ka na?"

My friend asked me the other night.

I slowly placed my hands behind my head and lay on the bed. I looked above and observed the bed's design. Classic yet refined.

I tried looking for the right reply to his question...

"Oo, I would like to think so." I said.

"Hay, mabuti naman kumalma ka na." And smiled.

I smiled back. "Yeah. It's about time. You get to a certain point in time when you think things through. Hindi na padalos-dalos na desisyon or fickle-minded decisions. Tumatanda na tayo. Alam mo yan!"

We laughed on bed.

Humiga na din siya katabi ko.

Naririnig namin ang hampas ng alon sa baybay. Masarap pakinggan. Nakakawala ng stress.

"I think we get to a point that your emotions are still intense but it's less intense now, more rational." I continued. "There was a point in my life where I was so irrational and illogical that all my decisions were all bad decisions. Ganoon kalala."

"I understand you, dear."

I looked at him and nodded.

"I remembered one time when I broke up immediately with a guy and I will never, ever forget what he said."

"What did he say?"

"There will come a time in your life where you will regret this."

"At naniwala ka naman?" Looking surprised.

"In some ways, oo, kasi that was like a spur-of-the-moment decision. Hindi ko inisip ang sitwasyon. I only thought of myself. Stupid."

"Pero was it a push comes to shove moment?"

"Hindi. I was just young and indecisive. Plus, ang yabang ni kuya. Urban Planner for Ayala eh!"

We laughed lightly.

"Hindi lang naman ikaw ang dumaan diyan. I know alam mo yan."

"Oo naman. Naisip ko lang yung desisyon kong iyon. I didn't regret breaking up with him but what I regretted was how I could have handled the situation."

I looked outside. It was pitch black yet the sea still was so energetic, with waves coming back and forth with the wind marrying the sound from afar.

"Natuto na ako. Sobra. Lalo na sa huli ko." I honestly told him. "At sinabi ko sa sarili ko that I will try to give everything to my partner now. Lahat ng hindi ko naibigay sa ex ko, I will make sure I give every little detail. And if it doesn't work again? Then I will learn from them again."

And again.

I finally closed the light, kissed his forehead and blanketed ourselves to sleep.

“You see, some things I can teach you. Some you learn from books. But there are things that, well, you have to see and feel.” Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini