TCA

"Grabe Karl!!! I'm 30 and I just saw a shrink. Can you believe that?"

I told my friend the other day.

"Hay Paolo, okay ka na? I could refer you to a friend of mine too." He replied.

"Hindi ko pa alam Karl. Hindi pa talaga pero balitaan kita." Honestly I don't know how to tackle it heads on.

"Pero what did the psychiatrist tell you." He asked.

"He told me to quit my job!"

We both laughed.

"Pero he mentioned that I look for a day job. He added that having a graveyard shift affects me mentally." I sat at the edge of my bed and took out a paperbag from my cabinet.

"So what are your plans?"

"Masaya ako sa mga kasamahan ko. They keep me sane. For the most part. Siyempre hindi mo maiiwasan na may misunderstandings pero, hello, magkakatabi kami, kami pa ba mag-aaway?!"

I laughed lightly.

"Keep me posted dear." He sounded worried.

"I sure will. Salamat... Maraming salamat." I assured him.

I laid on my bed for a while and stared at the ceiling.

I have depression. I've had it for years.

There was a phase very recently that nothing made sense anymore. As in nothing. And there were even times when waking up felt too taxing.

And then there were times of overwhelming sadness: randomly sobbing for the slightest of reasons. Anywhere. Anytime.

And believe me when I say I tried everything that I could do to help fight it, but it's difficult.

Mindfulness? Check.

Optimistic thoughts? Check.

Positive vibes? Check.

Gym? Check.

Writing poems? Check.

Reading books? Check.

Blogging? Check.

Hip-hop dancing? Check.

Drawing? Check.

Eating comfort foods? Check.

Sleeping better? Check.

Going out with friends? Check.

They say people just sometimes overthink. I overthink and have depression. Those two are different things.

That's why I'm voicing out my story because at the end of the day, mental health matters.

And this is something that we should talk about more often. Seriously.

People think that just because you have issues mentally, "Eh

nababaliw ka na".

It's stigmatizing at its best.

That's wrong and should be stopped.

"What did he give you?" Karl asked some more.

"Sabi niya he wants me to sleep better so he gave me Remeron, an antidepressant. He said I should take half a tab before sleeping." I took it out of the Mercury paperbag. Played with its packaging and returned it inside my cabinet.

"Kamusta naman?"

"Nakakaantok. More powerful than your antihistamine. I took half a tab on the first day and felt super groggy even with 9 hours of sleep."

"Ano'ng ginawa mo?"

"Adjusted the dose to 1/4 tab. And that still made me groggy. Malakas siya so I had to stop taking it daily. Hindi ako makatrabaho ng maayos."

"Pero nakakatulong ba?"

"Oo, it helps. I don't overthink much and I don't have much ideations. It's working but it has its side effects."

It works for now.

I breathed heavily and walked downstairs to have my dose of coffee.

So here I am your typical guy - humorous, makulit, funny, witty, sarcastic, hard-working, outgoing, sociable, an ambivert, loner, impatient, and adventurous - who just happens to have depression too.