My childhood memories littered all over the floor. Photographs of me scattered: smiling, winking, dancing, standing up to walk. The room was a mess. I was trying to find something, rather, myself.
Growing up shielded and protected made me what I am. Afraid.
Afraid of so many things, of so many situations. Afraid to lose, to regret, to be rejected, to not be recognized, to be alone.
And I have known and accepted that fact.
Sometimes when I'm all alone, my mind wanders through questions I ask myself over and over. Like a broken recorder. I know the answers yet refuse to acknowledge them.
I am afraid, too, of commitments. And that is why I think my relationships don't last. I always tell people I don't count my past anymore. Flashbacks can be telling to recall.
But why?
Weakness of the heart, the will. The push needed. I lack that.
Yes, yes I really do.
Drama in relationships, I mostly quit after that. I don't like dramas. I don't like to cry anymore. Tears of blood had been shed. Soul withers.
And finally, I picked the childhood photographs on the floor, kept them sealed and looked at myself in the mirror...
"Will I ever get stronger?" I asked the person in front of the mirror.
There things na tayo lang ding sarili natin ang makakatulong sa atin. I hope na ma-achieve mo ang balak mong betterment ng sarili mo. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope so too Geosef.
DeleteThank you.
The strong needs to feel weak in order to get stronger.
ReplyDelete