Getting Through My Age...
"It wouldn't make a difference. No, it wouldn't." I was talking to myself inside the MRT trying to clear my head of some distorted ideas.
"Commitments, you don't believe in those anymore." The mind continued its arrogance, that egoistic mind trying to brain-wash me of what I believe.
My steps were quick and my breath was getting quicker. I was late for a date.
"No pressure G, relax." I tried cooling off, manipulating my current emotion from overwhelming the best of me.
My cheeks were flush, my nape starting to produce sweat and my movement went faster. He was waiting for me.
"You do know that, do you G? That somehow, suddenly, the world conspires on you, trying to push you into something you don't want." I can picture my reflection now, wearing a sardonic smile and a wink to top it all off.
"But I am that guy, that type of guy, that guy who knows to commit." I told myself this, my reflection, for him to halt his insistence.
"Since when G? You can barely keep a relationship alive for two weeks." He told it to me right smack at my face.
I stopped. And rethought.
Is it true? That for the longest time I am still trying to convince myself that I can actually be a boyfriend and a partner?
I still haven't moved a muscle. I was near the entrance to Shangri-la Mall. I walked slowly to the side, letting customers get inside while I sort it out. Feelings, thoughts, their opinions, my opinions.
It was a daunting task but I had to resolve it and not a moment too soon.
Not an emotion too soon.
And after a few more minutes I resumed my walk again, meeting him. Meeting him with so much desire and affection.
Ah yes, failed relationships can either cripple you or make you stand up better. These are challenges you can learn from and hopefully not to make the same mistakes again or be bull-headed and make the same mistakes again until never-ending could be's will stay swirling in your head.
Do I believe in commitments?
Yes. Yes I still do. Despite failed relationships. Despite falling into pits of loneliness. Despite mending over and over again. I still do.
But the commitment I believe in does not need words to express the thoughts.
The commitment I believe now is the type where both of us feel perfectly right where we are...
I have since then been incapable of saying 'Yes, we can be partners.'
No words to seal the deal.
Only acts.
"Commitments, you don't believe in those anymore." The mind continued its arrogance, that egoistic mind trying to brain-wash me of what I believe.
My steps were quick and my breath was getting quicker. I was late for a date.
"No pressure G, relax." I tried cooling off, manipulating my current emotion from overwhelming the best of me.
My cheeks were flush, my nape starting to produce sweat and my movement went faster. He was waiting for me.
"You do know that, do you G? That somehow, suddenly, the world conspires on you, trying to push you into something you don't want." I can picture my reflection now, wearing a sardonic smile and a wink to top it all off.
"But I am that guy, that type of guy, that guy who knows to commit." I told myself this, my reflection, for him to halt his insistence.
"Since when G? You can barely keep a relationship alive for two weeks." He told it to me right smack at my face.
I stopped. And rethought.
Is it true? That for the longest time I am still trying to convince myself that I can actually be a boyfriend and a partner?
I still haven't moved a muscle. I was near the entrance to Shangri-la Mall. I walked slowly to the side, letting customers get inside while I sort it out. Feelings, thoughts, their opinions, my opinions.
It was a daunting task but I had to resolve it and not a moment too soon.
Not an emotion too soon.
And after a few more minutes I resumed my walk again, meeting him. Meeting him with so much desire and affection.
Ah yes, failed relationships can either cripple you or make you stand up better. These are challenges you can learn from and hopefully not to make the same mistakes again or be bull-headed and make the same mistakes again until never-ending could be's will stay swirling in your head.
Do I believe in commitments?
Yes. Yes I still do. Despite failed relationships. Despite falling into pits of loneliness. Despite mending over and over again. I still do.
But the commitment I believe in does not need words to express the thoughts.
The commitment I believe now is the type where both of us feel perfectly right where we are...
I have since then been incapable of saying 'Yes, we can be partners.'
No words to seal the deal.
Only acts.
Words are unnecessary to proclaim a commitment, but often does, words can become love reinforcements.
ReplyDeleteYou just gotta ignite the light G
ReplyDeleteI agree, actions speak louder than words... but I also agree with sir mugen, words reinforce (as long as they don't contradict the actions).
ReplyDeleteisa pa akong aagree kay mugen. it's better if you say it out loud.
ReplyDeletebut you're talking about commitment. how exactly do you proclaim that? "i commit myself to you"?
btw, about my list. ano, pwede ba kita isali? =)
words have a way of getting out of us when they really, truly matter. have patience.:)
ReplyDelete*Mu[g]en - ah yes, reinforcing the implied. Redundancy at its best.
ReplyDelete*drew - cause baby I'm a firework??? :)
*DSM - definitely, I agree with you and Mu[g]en too.
*Nishiboy - I'm not gay. Wahahahahaha! Of course you can!
*Spiral Prince - precisely!
Nice read ^^
ReplyDeleteI believe in commitments.
ReplyDeleteThere's always a balance in life.
If there are cowards, there are braves.
Commitment are for brave people.
Good for you. I'll wait on the line :)
*Seth - thank you.
ReplyDelete*Mr.Chan - there will always be a balance but that's the thing, finding the perfect balance (or at least the right balance) can be frustrating...
OMG, are you flirting with me??? Hahahaha! Kidding.
i believe in commitments. but i'm afraid to commit. i wonder if the kind of commitment you believe in now would be less daunting...
ReplyDeleteI do... LOL
ReplyDelete