H4

Tinignan ko ang chart niya sa Nurse's station.

Triage:

20-year-old. Complaints of difficulty breathing and weakness for more than 3 weeks. Productive cough for more than a month. Fever without chills. Accompanied by mother.

Kinabahan na ako.

Impression:

Electrolyte imbalance.

Tuberculosis. Multi-drug resistant.

Kumunot noo ko.

Pneumocystis jiroveci.

Candidiasis.

Binasa ko ulit.

Lymphadenopathy for possible sentinel node biopsy.

Alam ko na.

I have encountered the dark side of HIV.

Tinignan ko kung nasaan siya. Nasa Intensive Care Area ng hospital pinupunasan ng kanyang ina dahil mainit nung panahong iyon.

Bigla kong nilapag ang chart.

Lumabas nang bigla sa pintuan.

"G, okay ka lang?" Tinanong ng kasamahan ko.

Hindi ako nakasagot. Kailangan kong hugutin ang panyo ko sa bulsa.

Hindi ko kaya.

Umiyak ako.

"Ang unfair." Sabi ko sa sarili ko habang pinapahid mga luha ko.

"Ang unfair." Sambit kong muli.

Pero ano'ng magagawa ko para sa kanila?

Tumigil ako.

Napaisip.

Pinahid ang mga luha at huminga ng malalim.

"Hindi pwede. Trabaho mo ito, Paolo. Kailangang strong." I repeatedly told myself.

Bumalik ako sa Nurse's station at binalikan ang kanyang chart. Binasa at inintindi ang mga gamot na binigay.

Andami. Antibiotics halos lahat. Wala pa yung retrovirals.

Piperacillin with Tazobactam. Fluconazole. HRZE. Potassium chloride. At ilang palit na rin ng IV.

For biopsy rin siya nung araw na iyon.

Gayun pa man, kahit na pinagbabawal kaming makihalubilo sa kanila hangga't OJT pa lang, pumasok ako.

Kailangan ko. Trabaho ko ito. Ginusto ko ito.

"Kamusta naman po siya? Kamusta ang operasyon?" Tinanong ko ang nanay niya.

"Okay naman sabi ng doktor. Nakatulog nga ako doon. Anlamig kasi."

Nakita ko ang pagod sa mata ng nanay niya.

Ngumiti ako. "Mabuti naman po at kasama mo siya. Sino pong bantay niya mamayang gabi?"

"Hay hijo, simula pa lang ako na ang andito - umaga, tanghali at gabi. Yung kapatid niyang kasama ko ngayon uuwi na rin maya-maya. Ganoon talaga ang sakripisyo naming mga ina."

Ganoon talaga.

"Salamat po at andiyan kayo para sa kanya." I replied.

"Anak ko yan. Mahal ko yan." She mentioned to me.

"Blessing po kayo sa kanya." I added. At tinapik ang balikat ni Nanay at tuluyang lumabas ng kwarto.

Magpakatatag po kayo para sa kanya.

Pero habang may mga taong nag-aalaga sa iyo, laban ka, ha. Ituloy mo ang laban mo. Dahil malulungkot nanay mo pag sumuko ka.

Sa mga taong mapanghusga sa mga taong may ganitong sakit...WALANG-WALA KAYONG KARAPATAN.

Hindi niyo alam ang pinagdaanan at pinagdadaanan ng mga taong ito.

Kaya sa mga taong may HIV, laban lang at manalig.

Lumabas ako ng kwartong may kwentong malapit sa aking puso. Masakit. Malungkot. Masaya. May aral. Makatotohanan.

Kinagabihan ay pinagdasal ko siya. Pinagdasal ko ang nanay niya. Pinagdasal ko sila sa ward. Pinagdasal ko silang lahat.

Speramus meliora; resurget cineribus.

We hope for better things; it will rise from the ashes. - taken from Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

Ina

“Schön!”

Beautiful!

I messaged my former classmate in his Facebook story.

It was a beautiful short clip of a park in Germany. The sun was setting. The clouds were nearly out aside from the ones that refused to vanish but it gave the nearly dark-bluish sky looking more amazing. The grass was in an awesome hue of green and dark green. There were a few people walking but nature was everywhere. 

“Es ist eine eigentlich schön Bild oder?”

It is a really beautiful picture. He replied.

“Genau. Wie geht’s?”

Precisely. How are you?

“G, ich bin sehr traurig.” 

G, I am very sad. He said.

“Warum?”

Why? I asked.

“Nahirapan akong makabalik sa mga paa ko since my mother died.”

“Ay oo nga. Condolences again. And how are you coping?”

“Alam mo, ich habe keine Idee. Manchmal gehe ich hier. Ich laufe hier, sodass ich meine Kopf klaren.”

I don’t have any idea. Sometimes I go here. I walk here so I can clear my head.

“Wala ka bang makausap diyan?”

“Alam mo G, ang hirap rin palang andito ka sa ibang bansa. Kahit marami kaming Pinoy dito, may kanya-kanya pa rin kaming buhay. Minsan, mahirap ring mag-open up sa kanila.”

“Und das ist eine schwer Situation. Ich kann dir verstehen.”

And that is a difficult situation. I can understand you. I said.

Naaalala ko ang nanay niya. She was the one who mostly raised her children. Maaga kasing namaalam ang kanilang ama. Naging nanay at tatay siya ng sabay. Kaya siya ang nagpatuloy sa pagtataguyod sa kanyang pamilya. Nakaahon sa awa ng Diyos. Nakapagtapos ng mga anak. 

“Ganito pala yun Pao ano? Hindi mo alam kung anong mararamdaman ko o anong pwede mong gawin sa buhay mo. I don’t know. I don’t really know...”

Naramdaman ko ang lungkot niya kahit sa mga mensahe lamang.

Ano nga bang gagawin sa ganitong sitwasyon?

Makinig.

Walang kailangang gawin kundi makinig.

Bilang kaibigan at kaklase.

Bilang tao.

“Du kannst viele zu machen. Du bist frei.”

You can do a lot. You are free.

Wala na rin kasi akong masasabi. Alam naman niyang pwede niya akong kausapin dito. Kahit sa Messenger lamang.

“Gib dir mehr Zeit.”

Give yourself more time. I told him.

“Maybe...maybe I’ll find myself once more...”

Life And Now

And the guy's partner suddenly died in a car accident.

No slow motion.

No panning in.

No rushing of people and ambulance.

No cut scene of a body lying on the tarmac.

It fast-forwarded to his partner four years later who still had the difficulty of what had happened.

And so he climbed mountains. Climbed each and every mountain that he could in order for him to feel his partner's presence.

But the more he climbed, the more he felt his partner farther away.

His final climb was towards the Himalayas, where hopefully, find the peace he was searching for.

End scene.

Nalungkot ako sa istorya.

"Human vulnerability is something I am still not accustomed to," I told my friend D.

"Pero G, everyone will always have an Achilles heel." He replied. "And for him...It was his boyfriend's love."

"Pero grabe ano? They were planning their life together. They had just rented together and he was even willing to take the long commute daily. Even if his University is far from their rented place. The partner died at 18. Ang bata."

"But it is life, G. There is suddenness in everything."

I suddenly remembered a book I recently finished where an immortal guy can prophesize who will die and who will survive just by drinking from his coffee cup he keeps in his vest.

Once, he was having the dinner of his life at a posh hotel with an acquaintance. The freshest seafood and the fanciest wine that the hotel could offer. The city, unfortunately, will be bombed early morning. And survivors will be few to nil.

This he knew.

The waiter who was serving them was in his best spirits. Even suggesting what food to order and what wine to drink.

The acquaintance could not understand why he could not tell the waiter that he will die in the morning. He was outraged at the thought of not being with his family even though they will all perish in the morning.

In these uncertain times, there is unrest. Everyone feels everything is spiraling out of control. It is in these times that we do not know what the future will be there for us.

Should we suffer or not?

Should we let other people suffer or not?

Should we let ourselves suffer or not?

Or perhaps, take this as what it is, the suddenness, the chaos, and the out-of-control.

"He does not need to know this, because it is through the not-knowing that he will not suffer. His life, as he is living it - well, and with love, with friends - and then suddenness." - Gavran Gaile, The Tiger's Wife by Tea Obreht

Past And Presence

“G, was ist deine am hochsten Bereuen im Leben?” What is your biggest regret in life?

Y asked me the other night while we were eating Mi Goreng in the room.

“Ich bereue nichts, ich habe nur gelernt.” I do not have any regrets, only learnings.

“Regrets will always have this connotation as something negative. I am done living with that. Nun lebe ich jeden Tag.” Now I live every day.

I replied while swooping down another forkful.

Y and I talk daily about life and its idiosyncrasies.

It is these moments that I feel I have much more to learn about life...

Y is wise beyond his years, learning from his experiences as a breadwinner: with parents and siblings to support. He learned how to juggle a full-time work, a part-time work, family time and lovelife.

“Okay, ich verstehe dir, aber was hättest du am besser mache können?” I understand you, but what could you have done better?

“Grabe Y, ano ito? Ms. Universe Q&A?”

“Keine. Ich habe aus meinen Fehlern gelernt.” I replied.

We laughed.

“Kaya ako natutuwa sa iyo G kasi ang mature mong mag-isip.”

Sabi ni Y sa akin.

Tumawa ako ng bahagya.

Napaisip ako, jusko 33 na ako, kung hindi pa naman ako mature mag-isip. Ewan ko na lang talaga.

Recently, there have been lots of ups and downs in my life. Only my closest friends know what I have been going through.

“Ich kann in dieses Situation überleben.” I can survive this situation. Sabi ko sa sarili ko habang naglalakad sa initan, hawak ang aking bag, naghahanap ng panibagong trabaho at paulit-ulit na nagsasabi tungkol sa aking work experiences sa iba’t-ibang HR Personnel.

Balik paghahanap pala ako ng trabaho. May pinrioritize kasi ako last half of the year. Sulit naman. Pero nakakapagod lang minsan mag-apply ng mag-apply. Update ka ng update ng CV. Mamamasahe. Makikipagsiksikan. Magpapagalingan ng sagot sa ibang mga kandidato.

It is what it is.

Grabe ano? Life will really throw you a huge curveball when you least expect it.

Ich habe gedacht, dass bis zum Jahr 2020 alles in Ordnung sein wird, aber das ist nicht der Fall.

I thought that by year 2020 everything will be okay. But that is not the case.

And that is also a good thing.

Why?

Because last year I have learned how to be mindful and meditate more.

Mindful with what I need to think, feel and say. That every action I do will have its consequences. Gut oder schlecht.

I have also meditated more. To be more aware of myself.

Plus the fact of being selective of people around me. Selective in a sense that toxic and negative people has no place in my life.

I am continually learning more about attachments and letting go - emotions and feelings especially. Sabi ko nga, mahirap siyang gawin at ito ay isang proseso na hindi natututunan ng isang gabi.

Ich muss meine Emotionen und Gefühle kontrollieren und das ist die Wirklichkeit.

I must control my emotions and feelings. And that is the reality.

Heute ist erforderlich. Im Zukunft ist im Zukunft. Was kann ich tun?

Today is important. The future is in the future. What can I do?

Für nun mache ich meine besten und warte. For now I do my best and wait.

Was ist also der nächste Schritt für G für dieses Jahr? What is the next step for G this year?

Ich weiß nicht, aber es ist völlig in Ordnung für mich. I don't know but it's totally fine with me.

At tuluyan naming inubos ang spicy Mi Goreng sa lalagyan ng ice cream, hinugasan at naghanda na sa pagtulog para bukas. At para abutin ang aming kinabukasan.

"Nobody succeeds without failing first." Valentina, The Labyrinth of the Spirits by Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Malate

"Grabe na-miss ko ito."

I walked through the streets of Malate, snaking my way past cars and tricycles, past pedicabs and motorcycles, and past people from all walks of life.

I was heading towards Roxas Boulevard to ride an FX towards home.

As I glimpsed and glanced at all the establishments, old and new, it felt simultaneously different yet nostalgic.

Magkahalong saya at lungkot ang aking naramdaman.

"Hay, times have really changed."

Nagpatuloy akong maglakad, walking past grand houses and establishments: The rich old Malate heritage.

At pagkatapos ng ilang minuto, natunton ko rin ang isang lugar na mahigit isang dekada ko nang hindi napupuntahan...Orosa-Nakpil.

Napatigil ako sa kalyeng iyon.

Tumitig sa magkabilang panig.

Nawala na ang dating mga pinupuntahan ko maliban sa Che'lu.

Ang O Bar naman ay naging isang panaderia na.

Tinignan ko rin ang BED Bar. It now has been replaced by a Japanese Restaurant.

Nakakaloko.

Where once stood a lively gay scene community full of people just out to have fun and drinks to de-stress has now been replaced by new shops.

"So this is where I started, huh?" I asked myself.

Kinuha ko ang aking telepono sa bag and started taking photos.

And then I continued, "Dito hindi ako takot maging 'ako'. Itong lugar din na ito ang nagturo sa akin to be fearless and courageous. That I am what I am. Magustuhan man nila ako o hindi. Wala akong pakialam."

And then I had to step back a little regarding my thoughts.

"But at the same time dito ko rin naranasan ang hirap maging kung ano ka, dahil aminin na natin, hindi ako kasing gwapo, kasing tangkad, at kasing puti ng ibang mga lalaki nung kapanahunan ko."

"Those were really the days."

I made a deep sigh.

And started walking towards Malate Church to pray for a very fruitful day.

"Long Live Malate."