Past And Presence

“G, was ist deine am hochsten Bereuen im Leben?” What is your biggest regret in life?

Y asked me the other night while we were eating Mi Goreng in the room.

“Ich bereue nichts, ich habe nur gelernt.” I do not have any regrets, only learnings.

“Regrets will always have this connotation as something negative. I am done living with that. Nun lebe ich jeden Tag.” Now I live every day.

I replied while swooping down another forkful.

Y and I talk daily about life and its idiosyncrasies.

It is these moments that I feel I have much more to learn about life...

Y is wise beyond his years, learning from his experiences as a breadwinner: with parents and siblings to support. He learned how to juggle a full-time work, a part-time work, family time and lovelife.

“Okay, ich verstehe dir, aber was hättest du am besser mache können?” I understand you, but what could you have done better?

“Grabe Y, ano ito? Ms. Universe Q&A?”

“Keine. Ich habe aus meinen Fehlern gelernt.” I replied.

We laughed.

“Kaya ako natutuwa sa iyo G kasi ang mature mong mag-isip.”

Sabi ni Y sa akin.

Tumawa ako ng bahagya.

Napaisip ako, jusko 33 na ako, kung hindi pa naman ako mature mag-isip. Ewan ko na lang talaga.

Recently, there have been lots of ups and downs in my life. Only my closest friends know what I have been going through.

“Ich kann in dieses Situation überleben.” I can survive this situation. Sabi ko sa sarili ko habang naglalakad sa initan, hawak ang aking bag, naghahanap ng panibagong trabaho at paulit-ulit na nagsasabi tungkol sa aking work experiences sa iba’t-ibang HR Personnel.

Balik paghahanap pala ako ng trabaho. May pinrioritize kasi ako last half of the year. Sulit naman. Pero nakakapagod lang minsan mag-apply ng mag-apply. Update ka ng update ng CV. Mamamasahe. Makikipagsiksikan. Magpapagalingan ng sagot sa ibang mga kandidato.

It is what it is.

Grabe ano? Life will really throw you a huge curveball when you least expect it.

Ich habe gedacht, dass bis zum Jahr 2020 alles in Ordnung sein wird, aber das ist nicht der Fall.

I thought that by year 2020 everything will be okay. But that is not the case.

And that is also a good thing.

Why?

Because last year I have learned how to be mindful and meditate more.

Mindful with what I need to think, feel and say. That every action I do will have its consequences. Gut oder schlecht.

I have also meditated more. To be more aware of myself.

Plus the fact of being selective of people around me. Selective in a sense that toxic and negative people has no place in my life.

I am continually learning more about attachments and letting go - emotions and feelings especially. Sabi ko nga, mahirap siyang gawin at ito ay isang proseso na hindi natututunan ng isang gabi.

Ich muss meine Emotionen und Gefühle kontrollieren und das ist die Wirklichkeit.

I must control my emotions and feelings. And that is the reality.

Heute ist erforderlich. Im Zukunft ist im Zukunft. Was kann ich tun?

Today is important. The future is in the future. What can I do?

Für nun mache ich meine besten und warte. For now I do my best and wait.

Was ist also der nächste Schritt für G für dieses Jahr? What is the next step for G this year?

Ich weiß nicht, aber es ist völlig in Ordnung für mich. I don't know but it's totally fine with me.

At tuluyan naming inubos ang spicy Mi Goreng sa lalagyan ng ice cream, hinugasan at naghanda na sa pagtulog para bukas. At para abutin ang aming kinabukasan.

"Nobody succeeds without failing first." Valentina, The Labyrinth of the Spirits by Carlos Ruiz Zafon