Of Reasons

"You know G there are three types of people you will meet in your life..." Sam narrated while I was sipping my Almond Latte outside this beautiful and ambient coffee shop in BF Resorts Village.

I looked confused about his statement.

"Can you elaborate please?" I asked him.

"You meet people for a reason...for a season...and for a lifetime." He continued.

"Ah! Yeah, now I understand what you mean. But please go on."

"So I met this wonderful guy last June. He actually has a partner in Australia and he just came here for work for a few months. They opened their relationship while he was here."

He sipped from the mason jar his Cold Caramel Macchiato.

"Okay?" I didn't know how to answer him properly.

'Anyway, his Aussie partner gave me permission to go out with him. I was the only one that he had given a "Go" signal.'

"Ayyy nakakaloko!" I exclaimed.

"Pero G, ganoon talaga. It is what it is."

He opened his cigarette pack and pulled out a stick. He lit it with his lighter and puffed.

I placed my handkerchief towards my nose. My allergy was on a roll that day and cigarette smoke was never a friend of mine.

"Oh sorry."

"I know Sam and I totally understand. I guess in my perspective it just felt...weird. And no offense meant ha."

"So when did he return to Australia?" I continued.

"Around September ata. You know G with him, it felt different. He can match my intensity: He can match my wavelength. He can match my being hopelessly romantic."

"But he's not yours, dear."

"You know I cried a ton when he left. I even gave him a photo of my cat and at the back of it was my G Drive shortcut. There contained my letter to him plus all our photos. Every freaking memory of us. I don't know why I did that but I just know I had to do it."

"And that's where we go back to people who you meet...Just for a reason..."

"In what sense?" I asked.

"You know I've been single for so long. God knows when." He smiled a little.

"Four years and counting 5 here." I jokingly chided.

We laughed a bit.

He lit up another cigar and took a long puff.

"But the thing is, may ganoon palang mga tao. That despite of hundreds and thousands of people you meet in dating apps, meron at meron pa ring makakapantay sa pagka-intense mo. And they're rare, surely. But they are there."

"So I am hopeful G. I am still very hopeful."

"I think there still is hope Sam..."

I smiled at him and looked at my coffee nearing its end.

He looked inside the cafe and made a sign language for water. The barista understood and smiled at him.

Elyu

“Hi G. Kamusta ka na?”

A random message suddenly popped from the screen last Friday.

I checked who it was. It was the guy whom I dated for the first half of 2017.

The guy who was one of the reasons why I saw a shrink.

To give you a glimpse of our history: we were dating for several months, I thought everything was doing awesome and great. Heck, I thought he was perfect.

And then we were vacationing in La Union and found out that he was actually in a 5-year relationship with someone in Singapore.

You could just imagine the air between the two of us while we were returning from our supposed vacation. Those three hours were pure self-pity.

That broke me down. I was crying almost daily. I was torturing myself daily on the “what ifs” and “whys”.

And I had the greatest difficulty moving on and accepting the fact.

But after a year, I have realized how sad he was. That having someone far away from you can be a great challenge. Malungkot siya kaya siya naghanap ng makakasama. Naintindihan ko na siya.

I reread his message again. I wondered what he wants from me this time.

And then I started replying...

“Hi, I am doing perfectly fine. Ikaw, kamusta ka na? How are you and your partner? Asa Singapore pa rin ba siya? Kailan mo na siya susundan para naman hindi kayo malayo sa isa’t-isa? How are your parents? Na-enjoy niyo ba ang bakasyon niyo sa Canada? Mag-kape tayo minsan if you’re still around the area. Balitaan mo ako ha. Salamat!"

I smiled at binasa ko ulit ang aking mensahe.

Alam kong naibigay ko ang lahat ng aking makakaya. Walang duda.

Binura ko ang aking mensahe para sa kanya at pagkatapos ay ang kanyang mensahe.

Alam niyang okay na ako at alam ko rin na okay siya. Iwanan na natin ito doon.

Napatawad ko na ang sarili ko kaya napatawad ko na rin siya…





"Isn't that why people write - to gain a better understanding of themselves and the world? - Daniel Sempere, The Labyrinth of the Spirits by Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Sei. Ikiru.

Tuesday night I messaged my good friend.

"Hey K Happy LaboracayI I hope you enjoy!"

"Hey G. Tapos na kami mag-Boracay. Kamusta ka?" He replied.

"I am okay. Ito pauwi pa lang from work. Pagod but happy. Salamat."

"Can I call you?" He asked.

We haven't talked for a while which made me feel uneasy.

"Uh..Sige but I'll keep you posted as I am still on my way home."

I was still waiting for my turn at the tricycle station.

"Sure." He said.

"Just got home." I messaged him after a few minutes.

"Wag kang magugulat ha and relax ka lang. Okay, G?"

"Okay Karl." I replied. "Ano ba kasi ito?" I was already feeling uncomfortable and queasy.

"Si B. He passed away recently. While he was traveling in Portugal."

Inaalala ko si B. Hindi ko siya mamukhaan nung sinabi niya ito. I forgot his face and how he looks - what role he played in my life and vice-versa.

"I see."

Karl let out a deep sigh.

"G, I feel sad. B has been a friend for years. Siya ang inaaya ko before when I go out of town. Madali kasi siyang yayain. Game lagi to go to places."

He sighed once more.

Honestly, inaalala ko pa rin si B. Alam ko narinig ko na yung pangalan niya before. I know I've met him in one of the house parties that I've attended but I still couldn't match his name to his face.

"How'd you know he left?" I asked to keep the conversation getting as well as making sure he vents out well.

"D messaged me recently. Sabi niya: Don't be alarmed G ha. I have something to tell you..."

D is also one of the people I've met during one of the house parties I've attended. He and B were close.

"So apparently while traveling, he had an asthma attack..."

We fell silent for a moment. Pinakiramdaman ko ang hininga ni K. I also was trying to assess myself on what questions I would ask next. If questions were actually relevant at that time.

"When was the last time you saw each other?" I inquired once more.

"January this year before he left. What's ironic is that he was actually based in Davao na and just went back here in Manila to fly to Europe." He let out a quick sigh. "Buti nakapagkita pa kami before he left."

"Yun na lang ang iniisip ko G."

Tinamaan ako sa sinabi niya.

G was actually right.

You can never tell life. It is one of those YOLO moments that life is so unpredictable.

I fell silent once more.

"Pero happy ako nagkita pa kami. And at least he died doing what he loved doing - to travel the world."

Bigla ko na siyang naalala.

Oo nga! Si B! I remembered him perfectly. Mahilig nga siyang lumabas ng Manila at ng bansa. Last time we talked he was learning the German language kasi gusto niyang pumunta ng Germany.

'"Malungkot ako G. I lost a friend and a travel buddy. He meant so much. Pero ganoon talaga ang buhay, "It is what it is,"' K concluded.

I resonated: "It is, what it is."

And as we bade each other good night, I stayed on the chair for a few more minutes just reminiscing the times B and I shared, even for a few times.

You had a good life, B. Salamat sa mga pang-aasar mo sa akin bakla ka...

"But memories are time beings too, like cherry blossoms or ginkgo leaves; for a while they are beautiful, and then they fade and die." Naoko Yasutani, A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki

*Five strokes. Sei. Ikiru. To live. For Now. For the Time Being.

The Aging Post

It was nearly 10pm. Tuluyan nang lumalim ang gabi subalit nagkukwentuhan pa rin kami.

Typically K would be asleep by then.

This time he stayed.

Marami pa kaming kwento para sa isa't-isa.

"What's next for us dear?" I asked him seriously.

"Hindi ko na rin alam, G. Andami ko nang iniisip na hindi ko naman iniisip before - my parents' health, my sibling, my nieces, my relatives, my friends - ito na yun G, there's no escaping it."

We both sighed.

"Aren't your parents going to retire here?" I asked to continue the flow of our conversation.

"I don't think they will. They have good insurance in the US. Mahihirapan sila dito."

"Ahh..."

"Tama ka. I worry about my parents too. A lot. They're getting older and you know, I got to take care of them more."

"Nakakatawa ano G? A decade ago, hinding-hindi natin pinag-uusapan ang mga ganitong bagay. But look at us now...Retirement, benefits, investments, insurance, check-ups, reimbursements...Kaloko."

K sighed.

"I'm also turning 40 in a few years. The big fucking 40!"

Tumingin siya at nginitian niya ako.

I smiled back.

"I'm turning 33 this year. Thirty-three. We have come a long way."

"We really have." He sipped from his wine. "Pero G, I want to have a child by the time I hit 40."

My eyes widened. "Wait. What?"

"I want to have a child. Someone I can call my own. My very own flesh and blood."

"Teka, saan mo naman ito nakuhang ideya mo? No offense but since you were high school you've been independent. Andito ka na sa Manila simula teenager ka while your parents and sister were in the province. You're probably the most independent guy I know."

"I know. But..." He stopped midway. "I want to have a child." He continued his reason. "And not because we're gay and that I need someone to take care of me when I grow old. Gusto ko lang talagang magkaroon ng anak, the art of nurturing someone. It excites me."

He smiled widely.

"It excites me so much."

I can't understand him.

Because I used to think like him a decade ago.

And when a friend asked why I wanted to have a child, there was no rational, logical and reasonable explanation that came out.

I don't see that in my pipeline now. Perhaps another decade might change my mind.

But who knows?

He went back to his clean laundry and took out another set of socks in which he folded them neatly and placed them inside his drawer once more.

Silence ensued.

"So my sister and I went to this beautiful beach in Florida. We walked atop of this cliff overlooking the ocean. The scenery was just like when we went to Salagdoong: clear aqua blue and green water, the setting sun across the horizon, and the smell of fresh sea salt invigorating the lungs. Dinala ko si Maleficent doon. I wanted to show D the world he never saw in his lifetime. At doon, habang pinagmamasdan namin ang agos ng tubig at buhay, I told my sister everything..."

"And with that I felt...at peace."

He smiled once more.

"G, matulog na tayo. Tomorrow, our fate resumes once more."

I nodded and waved goodbye.

I left his condo and felt a lot of learning and reflection for a beautiful and melancholic but eerily chilly and gloomy Sunday night.

But he knew the happiness of watching. No eye could be clearer or brighter than the eye that had nothing to create, nothing to do but gaze. - Toru Honda, The Decay of the Angel by Yukio Mishima

Final Part

The Aging Post

"Can you believe we've known each other for a decade?"

We continued our story.

"Ang bilis ng panahon ano?" Tinitigan niya ulit ang kanyang alak.

"Ikaw K, masaya ka ba? And when was the last time you went out steadily?"

"Two years ago na. Si J ang huli ko. That guy from Pampanga."

"Totoo ba? Siya na ang huli mong naka-date?"

"Oo. Wala namang iba. Ang hirap kayang makahanap ngayon."

"Ang aarte ng mga lalaki ngayon. Nakakaloko." He added.

We laughed.

Totoo naman kasi.

"Last year I spent two weeks here at the condo. Ganoon pala G ano? Andami ko palang kayang gawin sa isang araw - gym, lumabas sa mall, magpa-laundry, mag-ayos ng sarili, manood ng sine at mag-uwi ng lalaki."

His wine was nearly finished while mine was already gone.

"So I brought someone home and we spent the night together. And I just realized I miss someone beside me. That feeling of hugging and just telling stories of himself and of myself."

He went to his fresh laundry. He collected some socks and showed them to me.

"Ang cute nitong mga socks ano? I got them on sale in the US."

They were assorted socks of bountiful colors and designs - quirky patterns and animations. He opened his drawer and placed them neatly.

"Teka, anong nangyari sa lalaki mo?" I was curious.

"When we woke up and he didn't feel like leaving yet, gusto ko siyang ihagis sa bintana."

Tumawa kami ng malakas.

"Nakakaloko ka K! Bakit mo naman naisip yun?"

"He was just there for the night. That was the deal. And when we woke up I realized, I still am not ready to be with someone."

"So ano itong drama mong you wanna be with someone kanina?"

"Only when I feel stressed and I needed someone beside me..."

And then I understood him. And saw his perspective.

Part 2

The Aging Post

"We're not invincible anymore, K."


It was a Sunday night. I went to see a good friend whom I haven't seen for more than half a year.


The weather was chilly. But the night was perfect for a glass of wine.


"Hay, totoo yan G. And I have realized that this past 2018."


K looked at his glass of wine. He swirled it lightly. The wine twirled around the shape of the glass like thin blood.


"I had two painful deaths this year, one was a good friend of mine and the other was an aunt whom I have been very close to. They were treasures to me."


He walked to his table. There was a Funko Pop Maleficent doll placed atop.


"This is my remembrance from my friend, D."


Tinignan ko si K. He looked at the doll and looked outside the window.


"Ang hirap pala G ano? When you die para kang isang memorabilia. Pinapunta kami ng kapatid ni D sa bahay, pinapili kung anong mga gamit gusto namin. Tapos yung mga hindi na makukuha, itatapon. Ititira ang isang litrato sa kwarto."


Makulay.


Nakangiti.


Inosente.


Nakalipas.


"My deepest condolences to D's family. K, ganyan ang buhay. We are mere mortals after all."


"Totoo yan."


He drank a bit of wine.


Bumalik siya sa upuan.


"Ikaw, kamusta kayo ng date mo? Happy?"


Typical K. He always asks me this. Mga 1,000,000 times niya na itong tinanong. Natutuwa pa rin ako pag tinatanong niya ito.


"I am. I truly am." I smiled at him.


"Pero ganoon talaga K, you really have to put effort."


"Paano'ng effort?" He asked.


"You know waking up para lutuan siya ng ulam and then ihahatid ko sa work on Sunday morning. I have never done this before. Never done this before."


Napatawa kami.


"OMG you turning a new leaf? This seems so...Not you!"


Tumawa ulit kami.


"Hoy! I know I've been selfish before pero things are different now."


I chuckled while looking at my wineglass.


"Iba pala dati K. I didn't know what effort was. Kaya nga siguro it didn't work out before. I lacked effort. I was at the center of my own universe."


I smirked.


"And we all learn from them dear." K replied.


Lumalalim ang gabi habang lumalalim rin ang aming usapan.







Part 1

Kahapon

"G?" C texted me the other day.

"Yes dear?" I replied.

"Did the ex who cheated on you tried to reconnect with you? You know...wanting to get back?" She asked.

"Not anymore dear. Not anymore. I wasn't looking for answers anymore."

Naisip ko kasing kahit na magpaliwanag siya, natalo na ako. But that doesn't mean I lost the fight. I just gave way to his real partner.

"Pero bakit ganoon ano, G? Bakit ang bilis nilang maka-move on?"

"Kasi ganyan ang tao. Kasi meron na silang bago. Feelings and emotions change overnight and overtime. People gets replaced. Masakit pero totoo."

I told her bluntly. There was no beating around the bush anyway.

"Hindi ko kasi maintindihan."

I could sense her message: confused and disoriented.

"Ano ang hindi mo maintindihan?" I asked her to elaborate.

"Hindi ko siya maintindihan, G. Nagloko siya tapos humihingi siya ng tawad. He wants to reconnect pero para sa akin ayoko na. He was even messaging my kid and my close colleague. Nakakaloka."

"So what's your issue then?"

"Na hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga gagawin ko. I keep telling myself it's over but at the end of the day...I go back to square one."

Naiintindihan ko siya. Sobra. Yung pakiramdam mong you're okay, the world is okay, the day is okay. You thought it's going to be okay. But when the night blankets the day, iniisip mo pa rin siya at ang mga alaala ninyo.

Mag-mo-moment ka sa may bintana.

Hihinga ng malalim.

Titingin sa malayo.

Hihikbi ng tahimik.

Masasaktan at maguguluhan ka nanaman.

Tama siya, back to square one.

"Dahil mahal mo pa siya?" Tinanong ko ulit.

"Ang alam ko ayoko na rin. Kahit mahal ko pa, ayoko na."

"But what's stressing you out? I don't understand you." I told her.

"Maybe I needed his stories to come out of his mouth directly. Maybe I need to see him and end it altogether."

"Ah, closure. Tama ba?"

"Yes, I think that's the right term G."

"Bakit kailangan mo pa ng closure, C?"

"Para masampal ko lang sa mukha niya mga pinaggagagawa niya."

"Would that change a thing? Makikipagbalikan ka ba if he told you the truth about his affair?"

"No."

"Then so be it. I wish you find your closure soon, C. And I wish you happiness you deserve."

We cannot argue with emotions. That is what she was feeling at that moment, then we have to understand and respect that.

Sometimes we know the ending to our stories, the chapters are already there as well as the conclusion.

But sometimes we need someone to retell again the stories from others. We validate what was already validated.

For our stories are only half of the whole. Perhaps.

"You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide
But I can't have you
We're bound to break and my hands are tied" - Rewrite The Stars by Zac Efron and Zendaya