The Set-up

"I'll tell you something." I told my friend over the phone while I was in Dapitan.


"Go."


"I am..." I paused.


"What?"


"I am meeting a person from Grindr for the first time."


And I let out a laugh.


"Tsk, tsk, G. Does your boyfriend know?"


"No."


"Why not?"


"Well...I don't think he needs to, after all, we will just meet, it's not as if we'll hook-up."


"But your boyfriend deserves to know."


At the back of my mind I felt he was right.


"Well, G?" He asked me after a few seconds.


"I will, when the time is right."


"Why don't you just tell him to be open?" He quickly added.


"Now is the best time, no, make that a few minutes after you've met the guy!"


We both laughed.


Ah, how many times have I pondered to have an open relationship. A most suiting set-up for those who want other options.


How many times have I asked myself this question, if it is really for me, if it is really for us.


But he made it clear - he wants exclusivity.


But I want it...somehow.








Part 1

Concluding The Drama

You see D, even I got tired of my own drama.


And coming from such a drama king like me which I truly must confess, is as much overrated a person can get.


We cannot be friends, never be, and that is just something you and I and all the people who know us two should know.


You are a great person, an excellent friend but that's it - to them.


The times we have shared those were wonderful, the best I had and I know I can never replace them with anyone but you.


But you have to understand that avoiding you is the only rational move I can do. That the reason I chose to close my door on you is not because I hate you. Maybe at first but not now.


I remembered last time you asked if we are okay, I told you we will never be okay. Nearly a couple of years later that answer is still much of a fact.


I don't want us to be friends because I know myself, I am a stubborn, bull-headed, little brat, I will fall for you and that would not be fair. 


That is why I have asked the greatest favor I have asked from you and that is between you and me only.


I honestly hope you will keep your promise, D.


Because you know who you are in my life - my hang-up.

Remnants

And let me remember you of how we were and not how we are.

The Flirting Game

I thought I had graduated from this phase, apparently I haven't.


There I was inside the MRT minding my own business, just listening to random songs in the playlist, and knowing it would just be a very average day for me. I wasn't even able to fix myself for crying out loud - with hair in distress, a zit as large as a moon crater, and a slightly crumpled polo shirt. I looked more like I had been harassed even before stepping inside the office premises.


But he was still stealing glances.


And of course I try to smile very faintly, ever so cautious.


He rode the train in Guadalupe. The first time I laid my eyes on him I told myself: "wow, he's cute" and resumed my listening.


But the longer I see him standing in front of me with his chinky eyes, fair-toned skin, and face that just seems very um, pleasing, the more I got engrossed in him.


At first, I tried to distract myself by looking at all the possible areas around the MRT but I can't. I really did try.


I caught him stealing glances again and this time the smile on his face prolonged for a little longer than expected.


So I try to reciprocate with a very weak smile. I can't go all the way. He might think I'm easy to get.


But what made me all jittery was when he was touching my hand with his hand along the vertical handle bar. 


You see I have rare experiences like this in public places more so in cramped and compressed public vehicles so you can just imagine the exhilaration I felt when he was slightly touching my hand.


He was still smiling and I actually felt awkward and wanting to burst out laughing. But I kept my composure and just played along with it.


He was still lightly touching my hand while smiling unknowingly to the general public while stealing glances and I was doing the same. Call it reciprocity in its most discreet sense.


I thought it would last long, the flirting, the fun, the excitement. But alas, Cubao station came and well, it ended with the closing of the door. Him walking outside while I was still inside, trying to catch a glimpse of him amidst the people rushing to go down.

A Frisky Business

"S is going out with another friend." My friend K told me over the phone one night.

"OMG! Are you serious?" I surprisingly asked him out of the blue.

"Yes." He replied.

"So that's why when I asked A how they were he just told me they stopped all forms of communication. Interesting."


"I can't believe S! From A to another friend of yours." I was bewildered by K's opening statement.


"Well G, you know how it is, he'll pass through most of my friends before we leave him in the wild - for others to hunt."


We hysterically laughed over the phone.


"And what about you, G? You can't seem all baffled by this. Weren't you part of this once?"


And then he suddenly caught me off guard.


I wasn't able to say anything to him for a few seconds.


Contemplating.


Recollecting.


Confirming.


"Why yes K, I was part of this grand business!" I laughed from my memoirs of last year's unexpected trysts.


"So don't OMG, OMG me when in fact, you started it before S." K laughed wildly over the phone.


And so from C to M to F to A, all of K's friends, I have been part of a conniving brotherhood. The one where they caught me at my most vulnerable wanting-others-to-touch-me moment.


But those, those were never bad things at all.

Intentions

Stay for the oddest, strangest, and most far-fetched of reasons - but never out of pity.