Just A Thought

Never get yourself involved if it doesn't involve you in the first place. 

The Friend of a Friend...

Three bottles of Tanduay Ice, two hours inside O Bar, one drunk club date.


You don't intend to babysit, do you?


So you pack his bags and send him home.


And even before you have the time to make a dash inside the club...


Look do we have here, well it's K and his friend A, popping out of a cab. What brings you at this time of the morning? And at this part of the town?


But you see boys, it's already too late to look for boys.


Or is it?


Ah yes, the power of persuasion. K, you amaze me how you do that.


I can still remember what you told that innocent boy outside O.


"Let's drink at my place, come."


And just like that, that silly little boy plopped at the back of the cab.


With me and A of course.








Part 2

The Friend of a Friend...

I don't give a f*** no more, if people think I am a wh***.


I just wanna dance, oh, I just wanna dance.


When most people surrender to their beds, we boys do the complete opposite.


Get up and go clubbing.


It's been awhile since you've gone out G. A month? Two? Three months?


And what's this G, an acquaintance, a delectable one, asking if you'll go?


Of course you will, it was already planned, schemed, devised.


There is no excuse.


But be careful G, acquaintances are not friends and there are just some booby traps you would gladly place yourself into. ;)








Part 1

Homewrecker.

Today marks the third time someone asked me to lay off their boyfriend.


















I am not that type of boy, sorry to rain on your parades...

Tell It To Me Straight

"2015." I can already imagine B grinning with excitement earlier this day.


B and I have only met once but it's as if we have known each other for a long time. Even though we maybe busy with our own lives and we barely talk nowadays, we still do get in touch once or twice in a blue moon.


"Hey G, me and P will be having dinner with our moms tonight." He updated me last Saturday while I was inside a jeep going home.


I read his text and somehow I can't help but feel jealous. I am happy of course but still jealous.


"So how are you feeling about this dinner?" I politely asked.


"Me and P are nervous." B told me. He and P had been going steady for a little less than six months now and things are looking wonderful for them.


"Imagine B, this is a huge step." I texted him with so much delight.


"Some even say it is a milestone, G." Proud and confident of his answer.


I am sure it is. For people who are like us.


The affirmation. The parents' affirmation can be deemed as an important point of validity in being gay, a homosexual, a gay man in search of acceptance. Let's be frank, even the thought of our friends, people closest to us and accepting us can be liberating.


An eye opener.


And sadly not all of us are given a chance like that.


The freedom to be accepted. The feeling of satisfaction. The parents' go signal.


I didn't bother asking B what happened over the weekend, after all these days are rest days.


"So, how'd the dinner go?" I hurriedly typed in the question and immediately sent it to B while I was at work. Honestly, the thought of it still makes me feel ambivalent.


"Me and P were still nervous but thank goodness for our moms who know how to carry the conversation." He made a reply without a minute too soon.


My eyes lit up. There they are, a testament that it is possible, it maybe possible.


And for a minute or two I imagined myself in their place.


What it would be like to finally confirm and tell them I am gay and proud of it.


What it would be like to finally present to them my partner, one I had been in love for the longest time.


What it would be like to finally sit down, talk to them during dinner and let us tell them our story how we met and how we plan for the future.


Isn't that wonderful?


I placed my phone down and closed my eyes. The computer awaited for my input. 


No, give me a minute. I quietly told the computer.


After a while I took my phone again from its place and texted.


"How nice B. Truly I am happy, happy for you. What's next then?" Emphasizing how I wish them all the best. Only the best.


"Thank you G. Just a small problem, he is going to Saudi in a month."


"It's a test B and this will show how strong love and faith really is. How your love and faith really is for each other."


"Yeah, I know. We already had a handful of talks about this. Laughs, cries, plans but in the end I have to give way. I understand why he needs to work abroad." I could somehow feel how our talk shifted. How I could see a small crease of sadness in his lips.


"Well B it is a test."


"Yes. And it's also to show people that LDRs work." B told me in a serious yet lighter fashion. Somehow the mood shifted.


And our conversation went again.


"We'll get wed soon G." I was surprised and amazed. There was nothing I could say. He dropped a big one. One that I couldn't make a reply.


But of course I had to...


"When?"


"I will propose to him first but I already set the year when we will get wed." And it looks like B's smile just got even better.


And of course I could not be any happier not just for them but for me also. Because I know in time, I don't know when, but in time, I shall propose to a man too, my man.

This Boy, This Little Boy Part 2

Well who said anything about not continuing what I already started?


Of course I will, silly.


41. I am not afraid of dying but of ageing.


42. I love desserts. A homemade fruit salad is for me, absolutely divine.


43. Most exciting s**? Me and him with his sleeping brother and mom in front. :)


44. I don't like watching movies. I strongly think it's a waste of time. And good money.


45. I drink coffee three times a day. It's an addiction.


46. Spice Girls forever!!! Wheee!!!


47. Snarl is my favorite Transformers character.


48. Speaking of, I was fascinated by dinosaurs. Too bad they were extinct by the time I was born.


49. Me and sarcasm are best of friends.


50. Me and patience never really got along quite well.


51. I used to collect chopsticks from every Chinese or Japanese Restaurant I go to until I realized most of them actually have one supplier with the same packaging.


52. Hugs for me is the best form of expression of love.


53. Between you and me, I masturbate before clubbing. Go figure.


54. I admit, I'm bad in Math, really bad but the factor tree was my forte.


55. I have always wanted to model but I guess we can't have it all, can we?


56. I grew up as a people pleaser.


57. My teenage rebellious stage came when I was already in college. Talk about late.


58. When I was in frosh,I let my hair get long ala F4. The end result: Cousin It from The Addams family.


59. The majority of time I spent watching tv is watching cartoons. Phineas and Ferb rocks!


60. I was a Pokemon card collector.


61.  Favorite movie line: "I shall destroy you!" - Hatsumomo, Memoirs of a Geisha.


62. I say shoot instead of shit. Lesser evil, I guess.


63. I got circumcised when I was 15.


64. When I was younger I thought I was impotent.


65. Boredom kills me.


66. I grew up with manipulative, overprotective, immature parents.


67. I am not vain.


68. People sometimes think I fish for comments, little do they know it's actually lack of self-confidence.


69. I was born when 2 peso bills were still existing. :)


70. Boxer briefs only at night.


71.  I have never, ever liked the smell of incense.


72. The most beautiful scene I ever saw was at Intramuros overlooking the Manila Hotel while fireworks lit up the ominous yet incandescent sky.


73. I do not eat meat innards. They are way disgusting for me.


74. I have restarted on my no beef, no pork diet again after I ate a Chicago deep dish. Damn you pizza and your ultimate goodness! Damn you!!!


75. I am positively, dangerously impulsive.

Getting Through My Age...

"It wouldn't make a difference. No, it wouldn't." I was talking to myself inside the MRT trying to clear my head of some distorted ideas.


"Commitments, you don't believe in those anymore." The mind continued its arrogance, that egoistic mind trying to brain-wash me of what I believe.


My steps were quick and my breath was getting quicker. I was late for a date.


"No pressure G, relax." I tried cooling off, manipulating my current emotion from overwhelming the best of me.


My cheeks were flush, my nape starting to produce sweat and my movement went faster. He was waiting for me.


"You do know that, do you G? That somehow, suddenly, the world conspires on you, trying to push you into something you don't want." I can picture my reflection now, wearing a sardonic smile and a wink to top it all off.


"But I am that guy, that type of guy, that guy who knows to commit." I told myself this, my reflection, for him to halt his insistence.


"Since when G? You can barely keep a relationship alive for two weeks." He told it to me right smack at my face.


I stopped.  And rethought.


Is it true? That for the longest time I am still trying to convince myself that I can actually be a boyfriend and a partner?


I still haven't moved a muscle. I was near the entrance to Shangri-la Mall. I walked slowly to the side, letting customers get inside while I sort it out. Feelings, thoughts, their opinions, my opinions.


It was a daunting task but I had to resolve it and not a moment too soon.


Not an emotion too soon.


And after a few more minutes I resumed my walk again, meeting him. Meeting him with so much desire and affection.






Ah yes, failed relationships can either cripple you or make you stand up better. These are challenges you can learn from and hopefully not to make the same mistakes again or be bull-headed and make the same mistakes again until never-ending could be's will stay swirling in your head.


Do I believe in commitments?


Yes. Yes I still do. Despite failed relationships. Despite falling into pits of loneliness. Despite mending over and over again. I still do.


But the commitment I believe in does not need words to express the thoughts.


The commitment I believe now is the type where both of us feel perfectly right where we are...


I have since then been incapable of saying 'Yes, we can be partners.' 


No words to seal the deal.


Only acts.