Gazing Both Ways

The sky was bursting with color - of blue, pink, green and yellow. Each explosion seemed to contain more life than the last, it's as if the sky had flower buds scattered all over and when the clock strikes midnight, all bloomed to give life. People from all walks of life were staring in awe, their eyes with sparkle and mouths with wonder. The children were clapping in succession as if there was a spectacular light show finale worthy of a standing ovation. And their parents were just as bewildered as well. Everyone was in high spirits. Who wouldn't be? After all, it is the start of another decade.


As the celebration proceeds to the climax, I found myself lying comfortably on my sofa bed. It was absolutely perfection. Never mind the merry-making outside coupled with a deaf-inducing ruckus and toxic gas-suffocating environment. I couldn't help but smile, and, as I budged a little in order for me to have the best reading angle of John Steinback's Of Mice and Men, I noticed a face smiling across the room by the dresser - it was my graduation picture. I turned my head sideways to look at it one more time. I let out a quick sigh and told myself how times have changed...


With the mark of another decade, how did I see myself back then? What were my goals after graduation and years after graduation? Have I become what I envisioned back then?


The smile, that smile, my smile I used to wear. Where did it go? Did it wane? Disappear gradually or instantly? Did it widen? Or to put it simpler, did my smile get better?


As the beginning of another year paces by the second, I look back on experiences not with a grain of salt but with open arms; from meeting new people to learning something different and wild to adjusting lifestyle and principles.


As the final run of the previous year comes to a halt, I look forward of future goals and dreams, on what I  have yet to encounter: people, knowledge, skills and principles alike.


And because this year had so many whirlwinds and rollercoasters and loops I just couldn't imagine, I would conclude that this, this 2010 was a good year.


But I know 2011 will be a great one. :)

A Pre-Christmas Conversation

"Merry Christmas!" I shouted to them at the top of my lungs, reaching the farthest corner of their temporary shelter whom most of them now call home.

"Merry Christmas, sir!" Replied the boys eager with excitement.

"How are you doing?" I looked at all of them trying to obtain the best answer they could give.

"We're fine." They all replied in chorus.

I nodded and told them how glad I was of their answer. I scanned around the area and saw what wonderful smiles they were possessing as of that moment but when I looked at the table near from where I was standing, I saw that one of them was bowing his head. I went closer to him, trying to look more closely to his face and the reason for that gesture. I inched closer, he sensed that I was drawing nearer to his personal space, he looked at me and I saw his face illuminated by the weak source of artificial light outside. His face - the boy's face expressed a word that I tried searching long in my brain bank vocabulary. If the boy's face was put on canvass, the artist would have painted it with questions and difficulty. Then, with a quick blink of my eyes I realized what, finally, his face conveyed of...forlorn.

I looked away for a moment trying to choose the right words. I could not.

I could ask him why the face. I could not.

I could tell him it will be alright. I could not.

I could smile at him again hoping it would infect him even in the slightest of ways. I could not.

"How are you doing?" I asked again hoping that what he would reply would make me learn something of his expression of demise.

"My family." His voice sounded that of someone who lost everything but himself.


I looked at him again, I could not help but empathize after all, I am still living with my family. He looked away shyly, boys will be boys. Tears are unaccepted.


He slowly began to talk again. "I miss them, I'm not with them for Christmas again." He was trying his very best to say the words, conveying them in the most sincere way he could.


I nodded and asked him how many times did he already spend Christmas here.


"Four times, this is my fourth year here." He bluntly told me.


"Do you live nearby?" I asked trying to sort out what he's currently feeling.


He motioned his head from left to right then right to left. I understood what he meant. His family lives far, far from him and where he is staying.


Honestly I was at a loss for words. I could not tell him that his family is thinking of him because that may not be true and I am giving him false reassurance which maybe detrimental. I placed my arm over his shoulders and squeezed it tightly then I gave him my brightest and most affectionate smile.


And with that he smiled back. He understood me. He will be better. He will feel better.

Visionaries

When was the last time you closed your eyes?


The time when you just needed to do it.


The time when you felt you had to.


The time when you tried your best to flee from the rumblings around.


Well?


Did it work?


Were you able to see differently? Clearly? Blurry?


Did your environment change?


Did your perception change?


Did you change?


People cope differently. Some well, some don't.


Sometimes, in the middle of it all you feel that you're a mess, a wreck, a walking disaster in sight.


Even up to the point of anhedonia.


What did you do then?


Did you run?


Did you escape?


Did you shut your world?


You could.


Or would you?


You can.


Or can you?


Shut your eyes.


Clear your mind.


Breathe deeply.


And open your eyes again.


What do you see now?

Just A Thought

The best thing about dreaming - unlimited possibilities. :)

YOUTH...

What inexplicable madness!


Such unfathomable ardor.


How inexorably necessary!


Youth. Innocent. Untainted. Pure.


Gander at its ignorance of the world bequeathed.


The simplicity and uncomplicated propositions.


Ah, one wishes it to be eternal. 


To last til' lifetime.


For some wishes that life, would be ultimate, but, a few would rather have youth with them.


What magnificence does being young bring forth?


From physical auras to ecstatic emotions to thoughts of non-mundane nature.


Occurrences randomly weaved, tangled, inter-connected, however, unfazed.


 In between pragmatism, idealism and realism, youth thinks what one thinks. 


Unstoppable.


Charging towards principles formed, new ones.


For immaturity can be advantageous.


The youth, the force that it is reckoned with.


Priceless.


Alas, just as memories and feelings are fleeting, so does the youth.


"For that- for that - I would give everything! Yes, there is nothing in the world I would not give! I would give my soul for that! - Dorian Gray, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Just A Thought

There are no excuses, just explanations.

The No Show Show

It seems not all posts need to be explained.






Excuse yourself G for being too naughty when people are getting too nice for the holidays.






I'm guessing Santa won't give you a present for this year.








;)

Finale

And a truce for existence has been settled...

A Tight One

Hugs. That silly bodily contact we offer.


They reveal more from the person.


From the giver or the receiver.


Its nature is more believable, more acceptable than a kiss.


When you hug, you let the person know how much they mean to you.


Even if it's a simple gesture of appreciation or a better one like that of affection.


And you know what?


It always shows how you deeply feel.


The warmth and comfort it brings, the relief it provides, the emotion it draws.


Hugs make anyone feel secured and safe, it's as if the world outside doesn't matter anymore, that everything, every little thing will be alright.


And it will be...


because every one will always be there to share it with.

The Trip

If it isn't G and his ruminations in life.


Another day of boredom I see.


They say boredom kills. I say boredom seeks.


When the day seems too excruciatingly unexcited and dull, one must search for the fun things around.


After all, we are creatures of incomplete contentment.


With three boys on the list, you can't go wrong nor unfulfilled.


And with the weekend right under your nose, G, I suppose one out of three isn't bad at all.


But you know how the saying goes that three is a company and four is a crowd?


Why not make it a pleasurable crowd then?


Oh you and your impulses never cease to amaze me.


And you say anyone who tickles your fancy?


;)

An Era Anew

With the turn of another decade, of ten years, of half score, promises sprout beneath.


With hurdles and jumps and risks and falls, tomorrow grows.


In cherish and thought and seize and wonder, one might be asunder.


Of abstract, of concrete, of intangible or not.




As the year comes to a close a person might feel.


Of trust or doubt or pride and about.


Inklings of past are there to be reminded.


That we make mistakes in unconventional of ways.




In vague and deep, shallow or defeat.


Some look at it from way beneath, from peculiarities, from normalcies.


For some even surrender to the odds.


In a snap, in a whack, in the queerest of kinds.




Of stealing and reeling and dealing with feeling.


Amazement in such tragedies and ecstasies.


The search for another milestone shall commence in a bit.


Prepare yourself for it will be a great hit.

Hence Gone

I could hear my heart beating louder than my footsteps.


The footsteps I was taking were getting smaller by the second.


Every second feels as if time was slowly creeping into my life.


Life or lack thereof was staring completely into my face.


The face exceptionally familiar since conception.


Since conception I have come to realize that youth vanishes.


As it vanishes so were the memories and feelings of past.


As past washes away all that was left of the person only solemnity remains.


And the remains of the person shall be buried who once was someone I admired.






Bye 'Lo...

Just Think

Ideals need not Experiences.

Of Sex, Text, Hang-ups, Hook-ups and TV Chats

As boredom arises to a maximum level I found myself going back and forth to a TV chat where messages are thrown continuously at the screen as if film credits would go aimlessly. I observed for a while taking very particular attention to what these people are - their gender, their sexuality, their purpose - for joining the chat room, and instantly, I got hooked.


Take this for example: A girl was looking for a guy who could be her bf with the last sentence as "as long as you don't lie". What? Where did that come from? Obviously this was from a former encounter.


And another one: A man is looking for an instant gf and his last sentence was "Makati area only". Ah yes, how awful it must have been for him to travel from somewhere far yet was not able to get a sweet girl's 'yes'.


And another chatter: A discreet bisexual looking for a hook-up.


These set of people are looking for something to amuse them or kill time or share their life with, then I realized how much loneliness people had felt looking. Temporary or long-lasting happiness, they are still on the prowl.


As the messages on the chat keep scrolling ultimately coming from any one, I thought I could use some fun that time and look for temporary happiness and maybe find something that would last but my conscience just could never dare do it. You see this is where it all started; my first hook-up and the successive ones so I know how it felt: from random chats to a one (or two or more) night stand to a text relationship to a pseudo-relationship to nothing at all. And in conclusion, you get tangled in this sticky web of would be, could be, should be's.

But these people, these who endlessly provide their numbers for whatever reason they have, they still have not found what they are looking for yet, or, maybe they have but are not yet content.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is the silver rule: Never Assume. I have learnt it, and so will they.


And then I changed the channel to Nickelodeon. 










P.S. Today is World AIDS Day, get yourself tested before you get infected.