Selfishlessness

 "G?" My colleague asked me while I was documenting on a patient.

"Hmmm?"

"Pwede bang maging makasarili kahit minsan lang?"

Tumingin siya sa FB Messenger at binasa ang mga mensahe ng nanay niya.

Kumunot ang noo.

Lumungkot ang mukha.

"Hay, J, I know what you are going through right now." I replied.

Si J, Pinoy kong colleague dito sa station namin. Nauna lang siya ng 6 months. Pero 2020 pa siya dito sa Alemanya bilang nurse.

Madalas niyang naikukwento na halos walang natitira sa kanyang sahod dahil sa pagsuporta sa kanyang mga kamag-anak sa Pinas.

And I mentioned "Kamag-anak."

Hindi magulang.

Hindi lang kapatid.

Kundi yung ibang mga tita, tito, lola at mga pinsan niya.

Hanggang ngayon wala pa siyang natitipid na maayos.

Napaisip ako...

"J, alam mo naman opinyon ko diyan. Hindi naman ako nagkulang ng payo sa iyo."

Sa totoo lang, maraming beses na namin (co-colleagues) siya pinagsasabihan about putting boundaries on his giving.

Pinoy ako at may mga katrabaho rin kaming Pinoy na pareho ng karanasan.

"Pero G sabi nga nila,  "Tulungan mo ang mga tumulong sa iyo."

Lagi niyang katwiran iyon.

"Huy! Tigil-tigilan mo nga ako."

Lagi kong sambit sa kanya.

Dahil alam ko naman na hindi naman lahat ng tinutulungan niya ay nakatulong sa kanya.

Lalo na yung mga pinsan niyang "Nangangamusta."

Ewan ko ba, galit ako sa mga taong ganyan. SOBRA.

Pet peeve ko iyan lalo na nung nalaman nilang nasa Alemanya na ako nagtatrabaho.

Although to be fair, hindi naman mga kamag-anak ko ang mga nanghihiram pero mga kakilala.

Or tatay ko. LOL. But that`s another post.

Pwede kang tumulong. Absolutely. Walang mali doon. It is absolutely logical.

Pero hangga`t hindi ka pa umaangat, tumulong ng naaayon sa kakayanan...

You know what I mean?

But we Pinoys always have that "utang na loob" na hindi na nawawala sa kultura natin.

And not only that, but the receiving end also has some things to say.

Whether you gave or not.

I find it repulsive, really.

"Pinakita ni mama yung bahay sa Bicol. Grabe. Andaming kailagang ayusin." 

He sighed but continued...

"Yung ceiling sira na. Yung tiles sira na rin. May bago nanaman akong bayarin. Yung tiles pa lang, magkano na iyon?"

I can only look at him and say nothing.

Sometimes, silence is the best answer.

He then turned his phone off.

"May baon ka ngayon?" He asked.

"Siyempre wala! Eh ikaw?"

"Siyempre wala rin!"

We both laughed.

"Ayan tayo eh! Humopia nanaman tayo na may pasyenteng hindi kakain."

And that`s the truth.

We need to save money and the first thing we can do to save money is if we ate patients`meals. Those that were not eaten.

It`s the reality of life of being an OFW.

Kailangan mong maging madiskarte at praktikal sa buhay.

Kundi kakain ka ng Kapitalismo at Taxes ng buhay.

Akala nila we eat someplace fancy whenever we can.

Akala nila we travel somewhere fancy whenever we can.

Akala nila we buy something fancy whenever we can.

The truth is, we can. But we choose not to because we know our families need it more.

And honestly, the last time I ate at a restaurant was last December. When J invited me to eat dinner with his former pinoy colleagues in this cheap Pinoy resto.

And I paid 10 Euros for Lumpiang Sariwa!

At masama pa loob ko dahil mas masarap pa magluto nanay ko!

So life here in Germany is not as luxurious and glamorous as people back at the country think it is.

But we are still thankful for the opportunity to be working here.

So selfishness is not self-centeredness.

It is self-sustainability of oneself in these very trying times.

And I continued documenting my report while J found extra food in the patients` wagon.