Lost and Found

"Hinanap ko siya sa ibang lalaki," My colleague told me other day.

"Nawala na lang siya bigla," He continued.

I listened intently.

Stories like these, to me, are precious. Even if they narrated it out of the blue or out of boredom. I treasure each and every interesting story, like heirloom.

"Isang araw hindi na siya nagparamdam. Hindi ko alam nangyari. O baka alam ko pero hindi ako sigurado kung yun yung ugat."

"I was insecure about myself, my sexuality. He was the confident one, being the older one as well. We were in a relationship when I was graduating from college. But he was already established. Twenty-eight na siya that time. I was only 20. Aaminin ko, he became the benchmark for my future partners."

I could see his eyes. Nakita ko sa mga mata niya paano niya kinwento ito. Walang sakit, walang poot. Masaya niyang nailalathala ito. Kinwento niya ito ng walang halong malisya.

"Oh gosh G he introduced me to Government! Can you imagine? That old club in Makati. Siya din nagpunta sa akin sa O Bar."

"Mabuti ka pa! Hindi ako nakapunta doon," I replied.

"Masaya! As in. Pakiramdam mo you could live partying."

He grabbed his phone and showed me his photos from Boracay. They were still together. My colleague looking youthful and happy.

Sabi nila ignorance is bliss. At that time naramdaman ko ito sa mga litrato niya.

"Nung nawala siya, nawala din ako. I kept comparing guys to him. Ang hirap, G. Ang hirap. Three months, six months, four month relationships."

He looked at the photos again, swiping every now and then. I saw him smile a bit.

"Then out of the blue, I met my current."

He was referring to his 5-year relationship to this wonderful guy who he met through Blackberry Messenger.

"And how did he change your perception?"

"He made me realize that I have to stop comparing."

I nodded and agreed.

"He made me realize that comparing is inevitable, it's human nature. But he also made me feel that loving again is inevitable."

Ngumiti ako sa kanya. Naiinis ako kasi tama siya. Masaktan ka man, magmamahal ka pa din.

"Pero naging kaibigan mo na ex mo?" I curiously asked.

"Oo, FB friends kami."

"And?"

"Hindi na G. Okay na ako. Hindi ko na in-alam kung bakit nawala siya...Okay na kami."

"Okay na okay na. Napatawad ko na siya," he said while he slowly pocketed his phone and went back to work.

Someone Liked You

"Do you still miss him?"

My date asked me while Adele's Someone Like You played at the background.

I looked ahead and saw the tight traffic.

Closed my eyes and thought about his question.

"Sometimes I do." I replied. "But only when this song comes along."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am pretty sure."

I took his hand and smiled at him.

"Do you still miss him?" I asked the same question.

"I do but from time to time."

"Do you think you and him would ever go back together?"

"No I don't think so. Not at this point." He reassured me.

It's funny how some random song can change a topic, a conversation and even a mood.

You think about the past - your why's and what's and how's - questions mingling with your current thoughts.

Do you still look back?

Or look forward?

Will you let yourself be chained with your past?

Or break free for the future?

As the moon slowly rose and the darkness shrouded Sunday evening, the coldness of the weather enveloping...I closed my eyes again and smiled.

It was good while it lasted.

It was good while it lasted.

"Never mind I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too."

Tula Ng Kahapon

Tinakpan ng kurtina ang bintana,
Umuulan nanama't basa ang lupa,
Nagpunta sa kama, humiga't umikot,
Naisip kita, imahe mo'y bumabalot.

Hindi alam bakit pag umuulan,
Naaalalang kakaiba mula sa nakaraan.
Mga tao't pangyayari biglang sumusulpot,
Ang isipa't damdamin, ayan na, pupulupot.

May misteryong dulot ang pag-ulan,
Dahil ba sa mga patak nitong lulan?
O baka naman dahil sa hanging dinadala,
Andoon ka, andoon siya, andoon ang ala-ala.

All Grown Up

"I'm fucking 30 years old!" I shouted to myself while reading another Isabel Allende.

Somehow the words "me" and "30" has not sank in yet.

"Hay, trenta ka na," My mind was completely off the novel. I was thinking a lot of things again; I felt I have journeyed long enough, yet looking back, feels like I'm still near shore. Sometimes I feel I've had enough of my journey but most of the time I feel I still have a lot of things to accomplish. Sometimes I really just feel tired yet often I feel energized and relentless. Sometimes I feel like a failure yet sometimes feel like the most successful man in the world.

Napapagod na ako. Yun ang totoo. I've had enough rejections, frustrations, and disappointments in life that I really feel like giving up.

But I also have blessings and achievements as well that I feel must continue.

And life has to go on, no matter how slow the progress is...There is still progress. No matter which angle you look at it.

Saan na ba ako ngayon?

Ano na bang mga nagawa ko ngayon?

Bakit ba andito pa ako ngayon?

"Pero marami pa akong kailangang matutunan," I told myself while slowly closing the book.

Sana nga marami pa.

Maraming, maraming, marami pa.

"Reality doesn't discuss, it simply is." -Mao Zedong, Becoming Madame Mao by Anchee Min