Of Cowardice

December 23rd

"So what now?" I texted him.

It has been days since we asked each other.

"I don't know G. I really don't."

"Can we talk about this Rob? I am sure we can settle something with talking to each other."

"I'm not sure. The family's busy. We have to prepare for tomorrow."

"I won't take a lot of your time Rob. I also have a family reunion to attend tomorrow too..."

"I'm not sure."

"Please."

"Okay."

"Can we meet after lunch?"

"Sure G."

"See you. Thanks."

And with that I was hopeful that we might be able to salvage something.



December 24th 

Optimistic. I think that was my word for the day. I was optimistic that everything will fall as planned: that I am not forcing him to enter into any commitment, that I am happy with how we are, that the moment now is perfect - no need for changes.

I got up early just so I could help my family with what needs to be done in the house. I was happy. I truly believed that day that we would be able to compromise on some things.

And I waited for his confirmation in the morning for us to talk...

And waited until nearly afternoon...

And waited in the afternoon before we head for the family reunion...

And I waited until night time.

And I received nothing.


December 25th

"I wish nothing but the best for you Rob."


":)"



So for now I play Christina Perri's song on repeat. A reminder that we once had a moment I thought would last.




Part 3

Of Cowardice

"I have died everyday waiting for you.
 Darling don't be afraid I have loved you.
 For a thousand years.
 I love you for a thousand more."

As the credits started rolling and the lights opened around the theater, I unwrapped my hand around his.

"He just made me watch a movie I have loathed." I thought to myself. A movie I have watched the first time and never bothered watching the in-between installments.

It was mushy.

It was corny.

It was utterly, romantically ridiculous.

Yet I have enjoyed every minute of it - from the sharing of the caramel popcorn to the holding of the hands to the smacks - I felt jittery every single time.

I looked at him when we went out the theater and I thought I saw happiness. Like all the stresses in his family, his work, had all vanished. I felt the same. And I felt I made him feel that.

"But honey, I feel so intense about him." I told Kane over the phone one day.

"You just met the guy and you feel intense?!" He was surprised.

"I know. I mean it's barely even a month we started going out." I replied. "But I know I shouldn't feel this way. It's not yet right." I further said.

"Well you know how it is..."

"Yeah."

As the days passed by, I was feeling very ambivalent about him: I hate him when he barely communicates and yet wait longingly for the time he communicates with me. He tells me he does have16-hour straight shifts in the hospital and I do understand that.

One day he did not text me the whole day and when I checked my Facebook that night I saw him going for his Muay Thai session.

"It really frustrates me Kane."

"What frustrates you?"

"Him and his lack of communication. It really pisses me off. And I know it's not his issue but I have already opened this to him. Maybe..."

I stopped my thoughts. Deny them.

"You know G, I once met a guy similar to that."

"Oh yeah? What happened to you two?"

"Physically, I can take it but it was emotionally tolling. So if you can adjust and live with that then you two will be fine."

"Hay, I have already told this a million times, I don't like inconsistency."

"Relax, G. Relax."

"I am getting carried away again."

But that is the truth...I am and it seems weird...



Part 2

Of Cowardice

I was afraid of the truth.

"But G, I feel pressured." Rob told me over the phone.

"I am not forcing anything Rob. I am happy with how things are, with how we are." I replied.

"But what if you do want something more and I cannot provide you that?"

"Let's just enjoy the moment Rob."

He was introduced by a friend. Initially, we didn't hit it off but the second encounter proved otherwise.

Everything I could have chosen for a guy: a nurse taking his PhD in counseling, an educator who teaches to out-of-school people where I also got involved, a foodie who likes milk tea and caramel popcorn, a muay thai enthusiast, and a man with a good heart. That is what he is

Holding hands inside the movie theater, light touches in milk tea places, short glances in public places. It was as if the world was ours, or perhaps a part of it was ours when we are together.

But I knew something was amiss; something peculiar every time we don't see each other...

He barely communicates.

And I know that for me it was something of an issue because constant communication is a must.

Yet I refused to the idea of him letting go.

"He is not seeing anyone G. He told me so. And I tell you he is one of the nicest person." Vin, our common friend, told me over the phone.

So no one can blame me for having that spark of hope. After all, aren't we all given chances to love again?

There I was being optimistic again...



Part 1