To Be Discontinued...

 I stopped my one of my antidepressants last Wednesday.

I stopped it abruptly without giving it much thought.

And to be honest, I feel not-so-good.

But it has also been very liberating.

I figured, if I want to immerse myself towards enlightenment, I might as well start with one of my strongest attachments in life, hence the discontinuation.

Pinapakiramdaman ko pa ang sarili ko. Go with my vibes on a day-to-day basis.

Ang hirap rin kasing you rely on it daily to stabilize your moods, feelings and thinkings.

And I totally understand why some people could not get them off their system.

I truly admire their persistence and strong will.

Pero sa akin, I want to make sure I am making these consciously healthier choices.

From 2017, I have started taking them irregularly.

And also changed medications a few times.

Nakakapagod lang rin kasing isipin na araw-araw, you have to take them.

Whether you like it or not.

Whether you love them or not.

Whether you trust (these substances) or not.

This was not the first time I did discontinue it. The first time was around the middle of 2023, after landing a perfect job at the hospital.

Ewan ko anong pumasok sa isipan ko.

Not my best moments of critical thinking.

After a few days I started noticing how deep and dark the hole in my life was.

It was really lightless.

Imagine this: I started working in the hospital, which I have prayed for for nearly 15 years.

Your salary increased to an amount that you are able to live comfortably.

Your colleagues, though not perfect, are all willing to help you on getting a solid foot and feel at the station.

And you have just purchased your first ticket to the Philippines after not coming home for nearly 3 years.

As in, perpek talaga. Wala akong complaints whatsoever.

And then this feeling, this Goddamn ill-feeling of unbeknownst reason creeps up.

You feel emotionally unstable.

You feel anhedonic.

You feel like your life was all a mistake.

Ang dilim. Hindi ko talaga maipaliwanag pero napaka-dilim ng panahong iyon.

Ganoon yung pakiramdam ko the first time I discontinued the meds.

Kaya after a month or two, I went back on it on a higher dosage.

And then thankfully everything stabilized.

For that I am truly thankful.

But this time, I am very serious.

I want to tell myself that I can do it because I am holistically stable.

And please, this is just me. I am not trying to tell people who are on meds that they should discontinue it as well.

But I believe in me.

And that is what matters most as of this time.