Of Lessons (L)earned

 I spent Php180,000 in one day.

It was too many to spend in a day.

Too many to spend in a week.

Too many to spend in a month.

And probably too many to spend in a year.

My thinking is a mess.

My emotions' a mess.

My sleep is a mess.

My eating is a mess.

Everything right now is a mess since Pepper's death.

Two weeks after and I am grieving stronger than ever.

And I really just want it to stop, but I can't. It's too painful, that sometimes I catch myself crying at night.

I clench my jaws and my fists simultaneously, hoping the sadness goes away.

Even with medication, my sleep is always broken and I feel not well-rested.

It signifies that I am currently experiencing emotional dysregulation.

According to National Institutes of Health (NIH), emotional dysregulation is defined as patterns of emotional experience or expression that interfere with goal-directed activity.

You see, growing up, I never had any emotional support from our parents. What I was going through, I went through it alone. In some ways, it was an advantage. In some, a disadvantage.

There was no one to guide me that my emotions or feelings are valid. It was up to me to figure that out:

The feelings of confusion over my sexuality.

The loss after a heartbreak.

That feeling of being bullied at work.

The overwhelming sadness related to grief.

Sure, it paved the way on what I am today. And I still am thankful. The past cannot be undone. 

And this is where I would like to ask a huge favor to parents and future parents' alike.

To teach your kids how to regulate their emotions.

That what they are feeling as of the moment is valid and true.

That it is part of human experience to have these surges in emotions.

And yes, there is absolutely no official manual for this. But your guidance will help them build an emotionally stronger person. Probably more adapt to the changing landscape of human psychological development.

Right now I am left with an intense feeling of sadness with a much less savings account.

But this is just a setback. I'll push through this no matter what.

And I hope your children, too.

Because in life...There are no regrets, only lessons to be learned.

Of Impermanence

 My dog suddenly died.

I had just woken up from my sleep after working midshift yesterday.

My hand was shaking upon seeing my sisters' messages.

In disbelief.

In confusion.

In bewilderment.

Para akong matatae, masusuka, maiihi.

Alam ko na itong pakiramdam na ito. I experienced the same symptoms when my aunt died last 2021.

I closed my eyes and tried my best to meditate - to put my mind at ease.

But it was of no use.

My emotions were surging from the darkest crevices of my heart.

Tears slowly ran along my cheeks.

I shut my phone and stayed still on my bed. Trying my best to control these enormous waves of emotions...

Anicca refers to Buddhist teaching about Impermanence.

And Grief is a natural emotion that is to be understood and fully experienced.

Pero, bakit?

I was so confused.

Bakit si Pepper?

My princess.

My life.

One of my reasons why I went abroad - to give her the best chance in life.

I clutched my chest so hard it hurt.

I laid still on my bed.

Hindi ako makagalaw.

Umiiyak pero hindi makasigaw.

Paano na?

For a moment, I felt no purpose in life.

"Bakit pa ako andito?"

Kinausap ko sarili ko.

Pinikit ko muli ang mga mata ko. Nanampalataya.

Humingi ng lakas para mairaos itong nakapanlulumong pakiramdam kong ito.

I clasped my hands so hard and prayed and meditated.

Grief is an individual and intimate process. It has no timeline. But it cannot be bypassed nor avoided.

And then I understood why she left us early...

To give more purpose into my life - to finally forego the Animal Sanctuary that I have been planning to establish.

To tell me that I also have other pets to take the best care of.

To realize that she is waiting for me at the other end of the rainbow soon.

Pepper, baby, salamat.

Maraming salamat dahil naging parte ka ng buhay namin.

Maraming salamat dahil bnigyan mo ng kulay ang buhay namin kahit away-bati tayo at andami mo na akong beses kinagat.

Pakamusta sa ibang pets namin diyan sa kabilang dulo ng bahaghari.

Mahal na mahal ka namin.

Mahal na mahal na mahal kita.

Magkikita tayo sa tamang panahon.