Fucking Friends?

I remembered a famous blogger posting this topic. He said that at this time and at his age, he is now enjoying more having sex with friends or close friends rather than meeting up with someone on a social networking site or in a club. Now, this is not an outrageous idea for me but the thought of his statement made me think a lot. When I came out, the word FuBu is already known by both hetero and homo alike that it became a Mom and Pop term. I had been one and so do many other people who were and are still experimenting/ discovering themselves. I have already opened my mind that we are insatiable creatures hence the lingering for more and more, contentment is the last option.

 Fucking Friends? Seriously? FuBu as opposed to FuFi. Hehehe... Cuter term though. Oh, I think I had someone like this before but lately have I realized that we turned out this way.

 Let's call him E. I first met E when I was in college, he was introduced to me by a very good friend and classmate of mine. He was introduced in front of our University cafeteria. He looks quite average and really doesn't have that appeal to say the least. He looks prim and proper and his hair is cut semi-kal style. He doesn't look flashy nor does he look very attractive. What I'm pointing out is that I never, ever smelled him upon his introduction.
E is a sophomore that time under the same Institute that I'm in. I was already a senior that time and is also in a relationship. We met a couple of times in campus and everytime we see each other, there was really nothing in him to distinguish his sexuality.

 Months passed and I am already nearing stepping out of college. I think early January, that was the time when we were starting to text each other. I don't even remember how he got my number or how I got his (sign of aging). Now, these texts are very friendly, informal and civil. It's more of the Hi, hello, what are you doing types and not your typical what's your trip, NASL, your place or mine texts. Days passed and I seem to notice how he is beginning to text me more often but since graduation is near and I have tons and tons to accomplish and finish then I don't reply to him sometimes or I just tell him that I'm quite busy and I might not be able to make a reply immediately. I didn't give color to his texts since: 1) I'm committed 2) I have a lot to think about from work to career to stability,etc 3) I can't even sense the guy if he's gay or not 4) He doesn't appeal to me, not one bit but the weird thing is that he's somehow getting affectionate through his texts more and more and it's giving me the creeps. E is a very like-able person I have to admit that but of course when you perceive someone as straight then being affectionate to someone like me will be chaotic and I'm not even telling my sexuality to him. I remember him texting me one Sunday morning what I'm doing, I just got home that time from Malate. He was being persistent and so intrusive but I unhesitatingly told him I went out to a club last night which is true. He asked me where and what club and I told him it's just a nearby bar. He said something very vague like I'm so secretive and I told him that I'm a person who you can't read in just a single chapter. I ended our small text conversation because I want to sleep and just dream the day away.

 One day, me and my college friends assembled a small get together at our house and since E lives also in the South then I gladly asked him if he could join us. He obliged. The day came for the get together and he was one of the first people who was able to arrive at our home after a while, my college friends followed. Weird thing is, he was hugging me all the time...it was a bit surprising but because I have accustomed to those types of practices where hugs are for affection or for comfort or both but since I thought E is straight then it's fairly safe to say that I don't give a damn if he hugs me tightly or not. My college friends noticed and I got embarrassed because of that. After my friends left, we were the only people on the house, he suddenly asked me if we could go upstairs, I was like, whoa?! Dude, what do you want to do? Sleep? Take a nap? Cuddle? I was taken aback. He was murmuring something in my ear that made me gush a little. Kidding aside, he became very serious with the tone and of course, the joker in me is saying give in but to be perfectly respectful to my parents and to our home, I decided to joke around and let him off the hook...for now...

Part 1

A Letter To the Ex

My ex whom I was not expecting to give me something for my birthday recently gave me a simple gift card. It was a cheap-looking card which costs 17.75 at any National Bookstore but the way he weaved words and scrambled ideas to express his feelings just struck me deep into my heart. His words were not profound like authors coming from Ivy League Universities, the language that he used are not something only a linguistic can understand. There was a certain 'twang' and 'ooomph'. His words were pure and simple arranged into a paragraph of sophistication and elegance like Romeo courting Juliet. The card is cheap and that's a fact but the message is priceless and that's also a fact. I sobbed, I literally sobbed after reading it out. And so with further ado, I give you my open reply to your letter:

You know I never intended to hurt you nor make you feel unwanted but the truth is that's just what I did. I never intended to make you suffer nor make you sleepless through the nights but that's just what happened. You know we have been a lot and it seems forever. We had our ups and our downs but we always made it through. You were always the stronger man between us two but you hate venting out to me and that's what I hate about you. I always idolized how you handle things, from budgeting to family matters to working on some things. You were always the cool one when the going gets tough. You were always the patient one when situations get rough. You know I have personal issues that are just so tough to resolve, you understood me quite well and that's what I'm thankful for.

You know I have to leave you just to keep me sane. From the clashes of fate, bashing of destiny and realizations of being gay. It's not your fault, it never was since the start of what we had. My life is just complicated that's all and I want you to understand. That's the thing can't you see that I'm not a person who takes it easy, I give a fight to life and love but give up easily. So all I can say is that I loved you and that my feelings were genuinely true but I have to find myself to know myself to search for what's in store for me.

You pleaded and poured all your love to me but my mind is made up, I have to go for the best of what I want to be. My heart will always have the fondest treasure of you as being my partner. Remember what Mr. Biggs' said to Carrie in Sex and the City movie we watched?

Ever Thine.

Ever Mine. 

Ever Ours.   

Pondering...

How do you grasp something intangible?

Abstract words you encountered and discussed when you were young.

Love, hope, faith, success, failure, trust, respect, loyalty, honesty, courage, independence, forgive, benevolence, charity, equality. 

Experience, that's how you take hold of these.

Experience, that's how you feel these.

Experience, that's how you try these.

Be assertive enough to live.

Be human enough to live.

Life is all about making choices.

But you have to base it on a personal perspective and on a moral perspective.

Being a person who's unique isn't all about being you.

You have to think of others to make life work too.

Being happy and content are the most important words you have to remember.

Not wealth, not money can provide you those.

People even say money is evil.

But in reality it's the love for money that is.

Bitterness? It's omnipresent, it is inevitable.

But moving forward is the key to getting back on track.

Smile, it's not the end of the world.

Live, as if it's the end of the world. 

Malate Meatshop

Bed Bar, Malate.

The pinnacle of gay clubbing is still alive and might very well be considered an institution. It has been one of the great influences in my life in a homosexual perspective.

October 31st, 12mn

The exhilirating body bop music, the half-naked bodies grinding to each other, the staring of people looking for prospects, the overflowing booze out to give anyone a hang-over plus a hook-up, the unknown faces smiling unfathomably and the experience of a lifetime, or at least till next week.

It was definitely crowded. Like MRT during rush hour or like canned sardines. There was barely enough room to move let alone dance. The bar was also very humid like a sunny afternoon with barely noticeable gushes of wind. But the people, the people were more than just ready...

As me and my friends danced the night away in a corner ledge, I looked into every corner to observe what other people are doing, what's interesting is the fact how a person does everything to select the best person he has an interest to. With that said I found myself comparing the gay club scene to a meatshop.

Think about it.

1) It's choosing to go and your motive to go- I know some of you might disagree but MOST of you do agree that club scenes are for bookings and hook-ups, no beating around the bush one night stand.

2) It's selecting of the choicest cuts- whether you're into buff, muscular, lean, bear, effeminate, every category is present to delight your eyes.

3) It's selling and bargaining- through getting to know each other: small chats, flirty gestures, and slight touches are all included to scrutinize your prospect/choice cut more.

4) It's transacting with the people involved- yes, business is business and it's time to go home with your selected meat product.

5) It's consuming- getting home and doing the deed is just as simple as making adobo without the hassle of waiting for the meat to cook and tenderize although you have to wait for the meat to harden. :)

It was fast getting early and the sun is already rising...the selection process is over, people are walking away from the club/shop with their purchased meat tightly tucked within their arms. Next week will be another business after the consummation.