(Pa) Hinga

 

I went to Bayern (Bavaria) last weekend.

I needed a good breather.

Halos hindi na ako makahinga sa Berlin.

At hindi ko rin maipaliwanag bakit...

Loneliness?

Sadness?

Aloneness?

Burnout?

I can`t...I can`t put it to words, honestly.

It may be a combination of all these feelings.

And even though I am taking my antidepressants regularly, it still does not go away.

This eerie feeling of unknown.

But I acknowledge this feeling. Hindi ko lang talaga ma-figure-out kung bakit.

Physically, okay ako. I go 4-5 times a week sa gym. Happy naman so far.

Profesionally, I am doing great. My Supervisor gave me outstanding feedback for the second year in a row.

Financially, also doing awesome. Nakakatipid para sa sarili and para sa future.

Emotionally, wala namang bago. Zero lovelife. Haha. Looking for my future husband, without actually looking.

All in all, walang problema.

Pero bakit ganoon?

I feel empty.

Like life is supposed to be better and more colorful now that I am achieving what I have been dreaming and aiming for.

Ganoon ba talaga kapag single?

Or probably because I am turning 40 and I feel it`s the end of the road for me as far as looking for a partner is concerned?

I think, subconsciously, ayun na nga. Matanda na si bakla.

Ah ewan. Bahala na si Batman.

Kwentuhan ko na lang kayo kung anong ginawa ko sa Bavaria...

Part 1

Multo

 Napakinggan niyo na ba zung kantang "Multo" ng Cup of Joe?

Nagandahan ako rito.

Ito yung chorus niya:

Hindi na makalaya, dinadalaw mo 'ko bawat gabi
Wala mang nakikita, haplos mo'y ramdam pa rin sa dilim
Hindi na na-nanaginip, hindi na ma-makagising
Pasindi na ng ilaw
Minumulto na 'ko ng damdamin ko, ng damdamin ko

Hindi mo ba ako lilisanin?
Hindi pa ba sapat pagpapahirap sa 'kin?
Hindi na ba ma-mamamayapa?
Hindi na ba ma-mamamayapa?

Sa buhay ko, masasabi kong tatlo ang mga multo ko:

Una, yung pagkawala ng tita ko na nagpalaki sa amin simula bata.

Pangalawa, ang pagkamatay ng aso kong si Pepper.

At pangatlo, a break-up with my ex, Brylle. He is a wonderful man. Very handsome and patient. He was willing to compromise always.

We went to Cebu and to Ilocos! Ang saya niyang kasama.

Ako lang itong wala sa wisyo - too full of insecurities that I was projecting too much to him.

Yung pangatlo ang hindi ko tiyak kung ito ba ay isang lesson or regret...

Alam ko lang more than a year din akong nag-move-on sa kanya. Gosh, I even took that work in Cebu to try to forget him. FAILED MISERABLY.

And that was nearly ten years ago.

And we only lasted one year and 3 months. LOL.

But I still think of him every now and then, though.

Not in a  ,,sana kami pa..." sentiment, kundi I hope he is happy on where he is right now.

So Brylle, if you are reading this, I wish you all the very best in life and love.

And if you and your partner are planning to go to Berlin, sabihan mo ako, i-tour ko kayo.

Et le finale; Je sais desole...

Hindi na ba ma-mamamayapa?

Boundaries

 

The 4 corners of this room is my Sanctuary.

Moi Maison.

From the bed on where I sleep; to the computer table where I play games and make my small artworks; to the large cabinet where I hang my jackets, blazers, and long sleeves; to the shoe cabinet.

Everything has its place and a place for everything.

Such is the limit of my tiny little blessed home.

Life has been very different lately.

I have taken into seriousness on what Buddhist philosophies have to offer.

And with that in mind, I have disconnected from people who have ruined my inner peace.

I have not talked to my parents for a while now.

They have been the primary source of my inner and outer conflict since childhood. These experiences, which for the most part, influenced my being of the now.

So with my newfound independence, comes with newfound calmness.

I have been good and nice. Almost always trying to please others for the sake of.

Because that's how I was raised - that people's impressions and opinions about you matter.

But realizing later on that being one makes you vulnerable and exploited.

Then I became fair and kind.

What energy you give me, I will give back to you.

No matter who you are.

I have nothing to say to my parents anymore. They know my stand. They know my personality.

We are in civil terms.

There is nothing more to say and explain.

Because for me, enlightenment is my goal.

And anything that destroys my inner peace is unwarranted in life.

End of Chapter.

"When unfavorable places are abandoned, disturbing emotions gradually fade;

When there are no distractions, positive activities naturally increase;

As awareness becomes clearer, confidence in the Dharma grows— 

To rely on solitude is the practice of a bodhisattva."