In Debt

"I saw M while I went to the US," K started to narrate. "He really changed. A lot. His shorts were skimpy, he had a tight-fitting shirt, and his car was very unlike him."

We laughed as we were having dinner at Greenbelt. He was with his friend Michelle too.

It has been months since I saw K let alone talk with him on a personal level.

"M was very accommodating," He went on. "He wouldn't even let me spend a dime."

I had a flashback on how K used to describe M. It was as if I had known M for some time now, but I haven't really met him nor what his personality was when they were together.

"He would pick me up and we would go places. I tell you G, he would accommodate me where I need to go."

"That's good to know K." I replied to his narration.

"There was one night when we checked in this hotel and I can still feel some awkwardness between us. We were together in one bed while two of his friends were on the other. It was really physically awkward."

"Didn't you even snuggle with each other?" I curiously asked.

"No, G. There was not really anything other than us sleeping on one bed." K told me.

"I see."

"But you know what G?" K turned and looked at me.

"What?"

"I know M is forever indebted to me."

Flashbacks regurgitated. And I felt a pang of guilt.

I knew what he meant. I knew what he told.

I was M.

I was that guy who did foolishly to end a relationship. I was the guy who was committed who would sleep with others just because of libido, just because of the need to be desired, just because of the need of the flesh.

I was the M in the relationship. I always were.

And yet these guys I had been committed with, they were truly honest and faithful.

But I screwed up. I admit.

Michelle and I were all ears to K when out of the blue Michelle asked, "Are you indebted to someone, K?"

"No Michelle. I don't think so."

"I am and I don't think I ever will be able to repay them." I told myself while I finished the apple crumble I was dabbling with my fork.




"Necessity is to learn from the past."

Done

That's it. I'm done. Finished.

I told myself yesterday while I was walking towards campus for class. For the past several weeks I had been trying too hard for people to notice me.

Why do I want to be noticed?

Honestly I just want the attention? I don't even know why I need it but it seemed like I just wanted to have attention.

I have been trying hard to increase my weightlifting as well as running just for people to notice me. No one did.

I am not even sure where this post is going, but one thing is for sure, I am over trying to vie for attention.

It had been a difficult time for me.

Perhaps I just needed a cute guy to notice me at school? At work? At the gym? At the LRT and MRT?

Who knows?

I remember when I used to go to clubs earlier, I won't leave the club without guys getting my number. Yes I am bragging right now but let me finish.

So there I was minding my own business inside the club and just having a great time. Guys would just come up to me and ask me for my number. I was never the one to initiate. Never the one to ask first. I was THAT guy.

And then recently I went to the club, it has not changed much, perhaps the people were different but the vibe and aura were still the same.

Yet the more I observed the more I saw how the landscape changed.

Or did it?

Or was it me that changed?

That the boy who used to get boys without even trying was not being noticed anymore.

I never felt so isolated in my life.

And with the rise of the sun, I left.

I am done trying too hard.





"So change is good for all the good reasons, and bad for all others."