Selfishlessness

 "G?" My colleague asked me while I was documenting on a patient.

"Hmmm?"

"Pwede bang maging makasarili kahit minsan lang?"

Tumingin siya sa FB Messenger at binasa ang mga mensahe ng nanay niya.

Kumunot ang noo.

Lumungkot ang mukha.

"Hay, J, I know what you are going through right now." I replied.

Si J, Pinoy kong colleague dito sa station namin. Nauna lang siya ng 6 months. Pero 2020 pa siya dito sa Alemanya bilang nurse.

Madalas niyang naikukwento na halos walang natitira sa kanyang sahod dahil sa pagsuporta sa kanyang mga kamag-anak sa Pinas.

And I mentioned "Kamag-anak."

Hindi magulang.

Hindi lang kapatid.

Kundi yung ibang mga tita, tito, lola at mga pinsan niya.

Hanggang ngayon wala pa siyang natitipid na maayos.

Napaisip ako...

"J, alam mo naman opinyon ko diyan. Hindi naman ako nagkulang ng payo sa iyo."

Sa totoo lang, maraming beses na namin (co-colleagues) siya pinagsasabihan about putting boundaries on his giving.

Pinoy ako at may mga katrabaho rin kaming Pinoy na pareho ng karanasan.

"Pero G sabi nga nila,  "Tulungan mo ang mga tumulong sa iyo."

Lagi niyang katwiran iyon.

"Huy! Tigil-tigilan mo nga ako."

Lagi kong sambit sa kanya.

Dahil alam ko naman na hindi naman lahat ng tinutulungan niya ay nakatulong sa kanya.

Lalo na yung mga pinsan niyang "Nangangamusta."

Ewan ko ba, galit ako sa mga taong ganyan. SOBRA.

Pet peeve ko iyan lalo na nung nalaman nilang nasa Alemanya na ako nagtatrabaho.

Although to be fair, hindi naman mga kamag-anak ko ang mga nanghihiram pero mga kakilala.

Or tatay ko. LOL. But that`s another post.

Pwede kang tumulong. Absolutely. Walang mali doon. It is absolutely logical.

Pero hangga`t hindi ka pa umaangat, tumulong ng naaayon sa kakayanan...

You know what I mean?

But we Pinoys always have that "utang na loob" na hindi na nawawala sa kultura natin.

And not only that, but the receiving end also has some things to say.

Whether you gave or not.

I find it repulsive, really.

"Pinakita ni mama yung bahay sa Bicol. Grabe. Andaming kailagang ayusin." 

He sighed but continued...

"Yung ceiling sira na. Yung tiles sira na rin. May bago nanaman akong bayarin. Yung tiles pa lang, magkano na iyon?"

I can only look at him and say nothing.

Sometimes, silence is the best answer.

He then turned his phone off.

"May baon ka ngayon?" He asked.

"Siyempre wala! Eh ikaw?"

"Siyempre wala rin!"

We both laughed.

"Ayan tayo eh! Humopia nanaman tayo na may pasyenteng hindi kakain."

And that`s the truth.

We need to save money and the first thing we can do to save money is if we ate patients`meals. Those that were not eaten.

It`s the reality of life of being an OFW.

Kailangan mong maging madiskarte at praktikal sa buhay.

Kundi kakain ka ng Kapitalismo at Taxes ng buhay.

Akala nila we eat someplace fancy whenever we can.

Akala nila we travel somewhere fancy whenever we can.

Akala nila we buy something fancy whenever we can.

The truth is, we can. But we choose not to because we know our families need it more.

And honestly, the last time I ate at a restaurant was last December. When J invited me to eat dinner with his former pinoy colleagues in this cheap Pinoy resto.

And I paid 10 Euros for Lumpiang Sariwa!

At masama pa loob ko dahil mas masarap pa magluto nanay ko!

So life here in Germany is not as luxurious and glamorous as people back at the country think it is.

But we are still thankful for the opportunity to be working here.

So selfishness is not self-centeredness.

It is self-sustainability of oneself in these very trying times.

And I continued documenting my report while J found extra food in the patients` wagon.

Effem, Effem Paano Ka Ginawa?

Medyo effeminate ako since I was a kid.

Kaya naman hindi na nakapagtataka na madalas rin akong malait nung grade school and high school.

Eh ganoon talaga. Ito na ako eh.

Gusto mong magsumbong sa mga magulang mo kaso alam mong hindi ka naman nila maiintindihan dahil hindi rin naman sila bukas sa sekswalidad mo.

Ito ata ang naging pinaka-mahirap para sa akin habang lumalaki...

Ang pagtanggap ko sa sarili.

Ang pagtanggap ng iba sa akin.

Ang pagtanggap ng magulang sa akin.

Kaya naman wala na akong koneksyon sa aking mga kaklase nung elementary at high school.

At hindi ko naman rin hinahanap iyon.

Growing up effeminate in a Catholic country really was a huge disadvantage.

Hindi ka lang maagang namulat sa realidad ng mundo, kundi sa realidad ng pagkababaw ng mga pag-iisip ng mga tao.

Lalo na sa mga kapwa bakla.

Oo, sa kapwa bakla pa ako mismo nakatanggap ng mga hindi magagandang karanasan.

It happened.

Ang weird, ano?

Tayo itong nagsasabi na we are brothers and sisters because of our sexuality, pero kung tutuusin, hindi naman talaga.

We are not united by our sexuality, hence divided.

And I totally get it. Lahat tayo may mga hinahanap sa ating partner or friends or tropa.

Some would like to have a huggable partner to have. Some want athletic or slim.

Some would like to have a femboy. Some transman.

Some would like to have a manly gay. Some with a bit of flair.

Some would like to have someone mature. A lot with younger guys.

Pero sana, we wouldn`t discriminate each other just because they are not the same as us - wavelength and all.

We are all created beautiful in each other`s eyes.

And that is what we all need to accept.

That bias and discrimination will never set us free from the wraps of the earthly desires.

But if we allow people as they are, how wonderful each and every one is, then not only are you setting yourself for a life of thankfulness, but also a life of minimal-stress.

Tao ako.

Tao ikaw.

Tao siya.

Tao tayo.

Of Goals and Plans

 

I have always kept a journal/organizer/planner ever since elementary days.

The reason was because my sister got one Looney Tunes-themed planner when she was in grade 6.

So the jealous me also bought one during Christmas. Although for Php99, it wasn`t really to that level. It was a thick, black one from National Bookstore.

Oh but I loved it so much!!! I wrote everything in it like there`s no tomorrow.

I would write lyrics of anime songs in it.

I would list down all anime characters on its pages.

I would buy these pretty expensive (as a student) gel pens just to make it more fany and personalized.

That organizer have stayed with me for years.

The next following years I have always kept one as my daily journal.

And these were all hand-me-down Starbucks planner from my older sister.

Nah, it doesn`t really bother me that I was always one year behind.

Over the years, my journals have evolved from just writing down animes, important notes, phone numbers, schedules, etc.

I also started writing down my goals and objectives for the years.

Ginagawa niyo rin ba ito?

Masaya siya!

Nakikita mo kung paano ka gumagaling sa mga plano mo sa buhay at kung ano pang mga gusto mong makamit para sa iyong kinabukasan.

So for the past couple of years, my journals have been riddled with monthly, yearly and even 5-and-10-year plans.

Ganoon ako ka-advance mag-isip.

Chour lang.

But lately as my perspectives of life are changing and how buddhist teachings allow me to let go and update, I have gone by on writing monthly-and-for-the-current year goals and objectives.

Meron rin pala akong around 15-item monthly goals. These may be personal or material or financial goals.

Examples would be:

1. More inner peace and happiness,

2. Better work practices,

3. Tom Ford Black Orchid Parfum,

4. Fly to Paris, etc.

Tapos every end of the month, I check if each item was completed or not. Para bang quiz.

Pag less than half ang nakamit ko, eh di try again next month. Nothing to lose. That means I need more to learn on how to spend my time, energy, and money.

Pag more than half naman, eh di very good. It is emphasizing that I have been very diligent on hitting these goals.

Honestly, hindi ko na masyadong iniisip ang soooobrang layong kinabukasan (like 10 years from now).

Nakaka-istress lang siya.

You move. You flow. You go with time.

Hayaan nating ang mga adhikain at mga gawain natin ang magsabi ng ating bukas...

Nagsimula na rin akong magsulat for 2026.

Ewan.

Nangati lang ako bigla habang umiinom ng kape sa umaga.

Naisip kong may mga gusto na akong simulang mga isulat para sa susunod na taon.

Hindi naman siguro masama iyon, di ba?

Hay buhay...

Sinimulan ko nanamang basahin yung  "A Little Life" ni Hanya Yanagihara.

Nahirapan akong basahin siya kahit 2 taon na ang nakalilipas. Mabigat ang librong ito, literally and figuratively.

Yun lang muna.

O siya, magpapanggap na ulit ako sa pagtatrabaho.

A plus tard mes amis.

Ere

 I fell in love with this song the moment I heard it.

Ang ganda ng pagkakasulat...

May ingat.

May pagmamahal.

May pait.

May katarantaduhan.

May pagpapaalam.

'Di ba? Nakakaputang ina
Tayo'y lumilipad, at ako'y iniwan mo
Oh, 'di ba? 'Di ba? 'Di ba? Pinagmukha mo 'kong tanga
Tayo'y lumilipad, at ako'y iniwan mo.

Naranasan niyo na rin ba ito?

Yung akala mong kayo na, hindi pala.

Anong pakiramdam mo?

Nasaktan?

Natuwa?

Nalungkot?

Nahimasmasan?

Andaming dumadaloy na pakiramdam.

Pero ganoon talaga ang buhay natin.

Napansin ko lang na habang tumatanda ako, mas nagiging realistic na ang mga pananaw ko sa buhay.

I don`t know anymore if fairy tales can still come true.

I also don`t know if true love`s kiss will also come true.

Is Expecting bad?

Is Hoping bad?

Is Manifesting bad?

Hindi ko iyan masasagot para sa lahat.

According to Buddhist Scriptures, the reason we still suffer is because of our attachments to the world.

Whether it be physical, emotional, material or mental...

Siguro nga kaya ako madalas nalulungkot. Dahil I am still longing for emotional attachment.

Kahit na alam ko namang hindi siya "kailangan".

Hindi rin naman ako naghahanap.

Masaya rin naman akong mag-isa.

Independence can be so powerful, if done right.

But it can get lonely, too.

It is the sacrifice one has to endure.

I still have a lot to learn from Buddhism and being alone.

Or to put it more simply, to being emotionally alone...

Tatlong bilyon, ikaw lang nga ang aking gusto
Pasensiya na kung ngayon ako'y 'di para sa 'yo
Tayo ay papunta na sa 'ting bagong yugto
'Yokong mabuhay sa isang mundong walang tayo

Quand

Dating here in Berlin has been a real challenge for me.

And I mean that in an honest way.

About .1 out of 100 gay guys here want a relationship.

Most of them, like most of the guys around the world, want to have sex.

And I totally understand them.

So for the most part, I would rather be alone by myself than look for someone to go out with.

So is my life for the past years here.

And to tell you the truth, it can get very lonely.

Or iniisip ko rin baka hindi talaga pang-Europe ang beauty ko. Chour!

But it does make you reflect.

I`ve gone twice or thrice with people here, only ending up with him wanting to hook up.

Sorry to say, I`m not that type of ghorl.

Anymore.

Gone are the days when hooking-up was my thing.

Pagod na si betla. Matanda na si betla. And it takes a really sufficient time for me to prepare.

So...kebs.

I would say Germany is the sex tourism capital of Europe. Of course there is also France or probably Amsterdam. Pero dito, dito mo talaga makikita how gay people are thriving.

SchwuZ and KitKat are some of the most famous clubs here. They are known for their "dark rooms" and their "theme parties".

Nakapunta na rin ako dito. But it wasn`t my thing. I barely know the music and the ambiance was not Bed-like nor O Bar-like. But I could appreciate their charm.

So ito na nga, medyo old maid na ang peg ko dito. Work and Gym are my priorities as of the moment.

I open Grindr and Bumble every now and then, but since I already posted in my profile that I am "Not looking for sex," then guys obviously avoid me at all cost

Haha!

So ist es. Kann nicht mehr ändern.

Have you heard of Folsom?

It`s this leather fetish party where guys dress in leather and meet somewhere where they watch someone getting banged.

I kid you not.

So ganito ang Berlin.

The boys just want to have fun.

NSA.

Putain.

Actually, wala na rin akong expectations. Para wala na ring disappointments.

I just live life every single day.

And thank God for letting me live every day.

Yeah, we`ll go with that.

Paris Syndrome

 

 

I finally went to Paris last weekend after more than 4 years of reflecting.

That was really not in my budget, but I had around 7 days off and so, I booked myself a round-trip ticket.

Paris is Paris. There is no sugar-coating about it.

Maganda! The architectures are beautiful like the Grand Palace and the Notre Dame Cathedral.

Yung Eiffel Tower...malaki!

Pero hindi ako fan. Pero masarap tumambay around doon. There are parks everywhere where you can lay a picnic blanket or something and you can chill alone or with friends.

Arc d`Triomphe hindi ko na pinuntahan. Taena. Ang init-init!

Andaming turista nung nagpunta ako.

Siyempre char lang. Turista din naman ako no.

Pero the tourist buses and boats were all full. Grabe.

Buti ako matipid (walang malaking budget) kaya naging adventurous at bumili na lang ng train ticket.

Pinuntahan ko rin yung Cedric Grolet eme Bakery (yung mamahaling Panaderia dito pero sabi ng mga lokal rip-off raw). Buti na lang sarado na nung nadatnan ko. LOL.

Pero tama sila, the Parisians dress really well. But I wouldn`t call it better than say, Berliners.

They do like to layer and mix & match. Magaling sila doon.

And no, hindi naman maraming gwapong lalaki doon as portrayed on media.

Or probably not just my types of men. Pinoy pa rin para sa akin ang pinaka-gwapo.

And because I felt that I have toured the city well, I decided to check-out early and just stay in the airport overnight.

Paris, in my opinion, is a one-and-done place.

Beautiful architecture with beautiful people. But I feel not-so-safe there. And not to be offensive, but these black people look at you very suspiciously. Very different from the black people I have encountered in Berlin or Rome. 

Merci beaucoup et au revoir!

(Pa) Hinga

Malayong-malayo sa Berlin ang mga tanawin sa Bavaria.

In Berlin, it is all buildings, houses, structures, people of all races, dirt, litter, mga durugista, mga homeless, etc.

Truly, it is a cauldron of different flavors.

Pero sa Bavaria, astig doon. Tahimik. Probinsyang-probinsya. You can just imagine riding thru NLEX and viewing the vast areas of farmlands and forests scattered on both sides. At dahil Germany ito, throw in some windmills and some farmhouses with solar panels.

Yun nga lang rin dahil probinsya ito, transportation is quite difficult. Ang lalayo pa ng mga bus and train stops nila.

Kaya naman gusto ko ring pumunta doon dahil na rin sa ambiance. Talagang malayo. People are much more relaxed: hindi sila nagmamadaling pumunta sa kanilang trabaho, hindi sila sumasabog sa galit pag na-le-late ng kaunti ang bus or train, hindi nila hawak 24/7 ang kanilang cellphone at naka-headset, at hindi rin naman sila masyadong fashion-conscious.

Kapag nakita niyo rin yung mga bahay doon, matutuwa kayo. Sa Berlin kasi tabi-tabi ang mga bahay. Isipin niyo na lang na parang mga low-rise condos na magkakatabi. Masikip at mahal ang mga bahay sa Berlin. Lalo na nung nagkaroon ng Inflation plus the ongoing war between Ukraine and Russia.

Doon sa Bavaria, magkaka-layo ang mga bahay. May sariling mga garage at garden halos lahat. May sariling parking ang mga kotse. May 2 floors per house with basement. Meron pa ngang mga shed na imbakan ng mga farm tools. Ganoon kalawak ang mga bahay.

Ang simoy ng hangin doon is depende kung saan ka nakatira. Dahil ang ikinabubuhay ng mga farmers doon ay mga baka at manok, madalas sa madalas, makakaamoy ka ng hindi masyadong kaaya-ayang amoy galing sa mga bakahan at manukan. Pero okay na rin yun.

Sa Berlin, mabaho talaga. Lagi nga kaming nagkukwentuhan ng mga Pinoy na friends ko na mukha lang silang malilinis pero hindi talaga sanay maligo ang mga tao sa Berlin.

In Berlin, hindi ako makatulog ng maayos. Probably because of the psychological effect of city life where everything is fast-paced, pero nung nakitulog ako sa bahay ng pinsan ko, sulit! Twelve hours of sleep. Kaya nga mamamangha ka talaga how urban and rural life really differs from a psychological perspective.

Hay, wala na akong makwento. Pero masaya akong makapunta doon. Sana next year magpunta kaming Liechtenstein at napakahirap magpunta doon ng walang private car - kailangang pumunta ka muna sa Zürich, Switzerland thne bus papunta doon or pwede namang bus from Berlin pero 15 hours ang biyahe.

Hindi siguro!!!

Yun lang phowz.

Part 2

(Pa) Hinga

 

I went to Bayern (Bavaria) last weekend.

I needed a good breather.

Halos hindi na ako makahinga sa Berlin.

At hindi ko rin maipaliwanag bakit...

Loneliness?

Sadness?

Aloneness?

Burnout?

I can`t...I can`t put it to words, honestly.

It may be a combination of all these feelings.

And even though I am taking my antidepressants regularly, it still does not go away.

This eerie feeling of unknown.

But I acknowledge this feeling. Hindi ko lang talaga ma-figure-out kung bakit.

Physically, okay ako. I go 4-5 times a week sa gym. Happy naman so far.

Profesionally, I am doing great. My Supervisor gave me outstanding feedback for the second year in a row.

Financially, also doing awesome. Nakakatipid para sa sarili and para sa future.

Emotionally, wala namang bago. Zero lovelife. Haha. Looking for my future husband, without actually looking.

All in all, walang problema.

Pero bakit ganoon?

I feel empty.

Like life is supposed to be better and more colorful now that I am achieving what I have been dreaming and aiming for.

Ganoon ba talaga kapag single?

Or probably because I am turning 40 and I feel it`s the end of the road for me as far as looking for a partner is concerned?

I think, subconsciously, ayun na nga. Matanda na si bakla.

Ah ewan. Bahala na si Batman.

Kwentuhan ko na lang kayo kung anong ginawa ko sa Bavaria...

Part 1

Multo

 Napakinggan niyo na ba zung kantang "Multo" ng Cup of Joe?

Nagandahan ako rito.

Ito yung chorus niya:

Hindi na makalaya, dinadalaw mo 'ko bawat gabi
Wala mang nakikita, haplos mo'y ramdam pa rin sa dilim
Hindi na na-nanaginip, hindi na ma-makagising
Pasindi na ng ilaw
Minumulto na 'ko ng damdamin ko, ng damdamin ko

Hindi mo ba ako lilisanin?
Hindi pa ba sapat pagpapahirap sa 'kin?
Hindi na ba ma-mamamayapa?
Hindi na ba ma-mamamayapa?

Sa buhay ko, masasabi kong tatlo ang mga multo ko:

Una, yung pagkawala ng tita ko na nagpalaki sa amin simula bata.

Pangalawa, ang pagkamatay ng aso kong si Pepper.

At pangatlo, a break-up with my ex, Brylle. He is a wonderful man. Very handsome and patient. He was willing to compromise always.

We went to Cebu and to Ilocos! Ang saya niyang kasama.

Ako lang itong wala sa wisyo - too full of insecurities that I was projecting too much to him.

Yung pangatlo ang hindi ko tiyak kung ito ba ay isang lesson or regret...

Alam ko lang more than a year din akong nag-move-on sa kanya. Gosh, I even took that work in Cebu to try to forget him. FAILED MISERABLY.

And that was nearly ten years ago.

And we only lasted one year and 3 months. LOL.

But I still think of him every now and then, though.

Not in a  ,,sana kami pa..." sentiment, kundi I hope he is happy on where he is right now.

So Brylle, if you are reading this, I wish you all the very best in life and love.

And if you and your partner are planning to go to Berlin, sabihan mo ako, i-tour ko kayo.

Et le finale; Je sais desole...

Hindi na ba ma-mamamayapa?

Boundaries

 

The 4 corners of this room is my Sanctuary.

Moi Maison.

From the bed on where I sleep; to the computer table where I play games and make my small artworks; to the large cabinet where I hang my jackets, blazers, and long sleeves; to the shoe cabinet.

Everything has its place and a place for everything.

Such is the limit of my tiny little blessed home.

Life has been very different lately.

I have taken into seriousness on what Buddhist philosophies have to offer.

And with that in mind, I have disconnected from people who have ruined my inner peace.

I have not talked to my parents for a while now.

They have been the primary source of my inner and outer conflict since childhood. These experiences, which for the most part, influenced my being of the now.

So with my newfound independence, comes with newfound calmness.

I have been good and nice. Almost always trying to please others for the sake of.

Because that's how I was raised - that people's impressions and opinions about you matter.

But realizing later on that being one makes you vulnerable and exploited.

Then I became fair and kind.

What energy you give me, I will give back to you.

No matter who you are.

I have nothing to say to my parents anymore. They know my stand. They know my personality.

We are in civil terms.

There is nothing more to say and explain.

Because for me, enlightenment is my goal.

And anything that destroys my inner peace is unwarranted in life.

End of Chapter.

"When unfavorable places are abandoned, disturbing emotions gradually fade;

When there are no distractions, positive activities naturally increase;

As awareness becomes clearer, confidence in the Dharma grows— 

To rely on solitude is the practice of a bodhisattva." 

Diskaril

 

Nawala ako bigla sa wisyo.

Babangon, maliligo, papasok sa trabaho, uuwi, iiyak, itutulog ang lungkot.

Ganito halos naging routine ko for more than a month.

Masakit pa rin sa akin na mawalan ng alaga, lalo na na wala ako nung mangyari iyon.

May mga araw na okay ang tulog, pangit ang gising.

May mga araw na pangit ang gising, okay ang tulog.

May mga araw na pinipili ko na lang matulog ng buong araw. Tatayo lamang para umihi.

Hindi pa ako okay. And that's okay. Grieving takes time.

Pero T*ena. Nagulo talaga sistema ko. Para lang akong naging robot na pasok-uwi sa trabaho.

Walang gana magbasa ng libro. Walang gana mag-practice ng skateboard. Walang gana mag-aral ng Pranses.

Pero hinayaan ko muna'ng ganito ang buhay ko.

I try not to pressure myself too much.

Kasi if I do, nawawala talaga ako sa sarili ko. Nagiging makakalimutin, mainitin ang ulo, hindi makapag-focus sa trabaho.

And of course that would feel unfair to my patients. Kaya nga ako naging nurse para tumulong sa mga tao.

Oo nga naman, may problema rin ako. Pero hindi ko na rin pinapahalata kahit sa mga katrabaho ko.

Egal. Hindi ako mahilig magkwento ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko.

Nakakapagod yung ganito. Grabe. It drains you both mentally and physically.

Nakalimutan ko nang mabuhay.

Na yung namatay si Pepper, biglang bumalik yung mga failures and regrets ko sa buhay.

Hindi ko rin alam bakit, pero ganoon yung naramdaman ko.

Then one day I took a photo of the sunset - lighting the roofs of the houses near the hospital.

Its hazy figure starkly contrasting the structured polygons of the buildings it towers.

The orange hue boldly showing the richness of the sky.

And I looked at it intently.

May hinahanap ako...

The beauty of life and living again.

And for another day I have survived...