Friday, October 24, 2025

Selfishlessness

 "G?" My colleague asked me while I was documenting on a patient.


"Hmmm?"


"Pwede bang maging makasarili kahit minsan lang?"


Tumingin siya sa FB Messenger at binasa ang mga mensahe ng nanay niya.


Kumunot ang noo.


Lumungkot ang mukha.


"Hay, J, I know what you are going through right now." I replied.


Si J, Pinoy kong colleague dito sa station namin. Nauna lang siya ng 6 months. Pero 2020 pa siya dito sa Alemanya bilang nurse.


Madalas niyang naikukwento na halos walang natitira sa kanyang sahod dahil sa pagsuporta sa kanyang mga kamag-anak sa Pinas.


And I mentioned "Kamag-anak."


Hindi magulang.


Hindi lang kapatid.


Kundi yung ibang mga tita, tito, lola at mga pinsan niya.


Hanggang ngayon wala pa siyang natitipid na maayos.


Napaisip ako...


"J, alam mo naman opinyon ko diyan. Hindi naman ako nagkulang ng payo sa iyo."


Sa totoo lang, maraming beses na namin (co-colleagues) siya pinagsasabihan about putting boundaries on his giving.


Pinoy ako at may mga katrabaho rin kaming Pinoy na pareho ng karanasan.


"Pero G sabi nga nila,  "Tulungan mo ang mga tumulong sa iyo."


Lagi niyang katwiran iyon.


"Huy! Tigil-tigilan mo nga ako."


Lagi kong sambit sa kanya.


Dahil alam ko naman na hindi naman lahat ng tinutulungan niya ay nakatulong sa kanya.


Lalo na yung mga pinsan niyang "Nangangamusta."


Ewan ko ba, galit ako sa mga taong ganyan. SOBRA.


Pet peeve ko iyan lalo na nung nalaman nilang nasa Alemanya na ako nagtatrabaho.


Although to be fair, hindi naman mga kamag-anak ko ang mga nanghihiram pero mga kakilala.


Or tatay ko. LOL. But that`s another post.


Pwede kang tumulong. Absolutely. Walang mali doon. It is absolutely logical.


Pero hangga`t hindi ka pa umaangat, tumulong ng naaayon sa kakayanan...


You know what I mean?


But we Pinoys always have that "utang na loob" na hindi na nawawala sa kultura natin.


And not only that, but the receiving end also has some things to say.


Whether you gave or not.


I find it repulsive, really.


"Pinakita ni mama yung bahay sa Bicol. Grabe. Andaming kailagang ayusin." 


He sighed but continued...


"Yung ceiling sira na. Yung tiles sira na rin. May bago nanaman akong bayarin. Yung tiles pa lang, magkano na iyon?"


I can only look at him and say nothing.


Sometimes, silence is the best answer.


He then turned his phone off.


"May baon ka ngayon?" He asked.


"Siyempre wala! Eh ikaw?"


"Siyempre wala rin!"


We both laughed.


"Ayan tayo eh! Humopia nanaman tayo na may pasyenteng hindi kakain."


And that`s the truth.


We need to save money and the first thing we can do to save money is if we ate patients`meals. Those that were not eaten.


It`s the reality of life of being an OFW.


Kailangan mong maging madiskarte at praktikal sa buhay.


Kundi kakain ka ng Kapitalismo at Taxes ng buhay.


Akala nila we eat someplace fancy whenever we can.


Akala nila we travel somewhere fancy whenever we can.


Akala nila we buy something fancy whenever we can.


The truth is, we can. But we choose not to because we know our families need it more.


And honestly, the last time I ate at a restaurant was last December. When J invited me to eat dinner with his former pinoy colleagues in this cheap Pinoy resto.


And I paid 10 Euros for Lumpiang Sariwa!


At masama pa loob ko dahil mas masarap pa magluto nanay ko!


So life here in Germany is not as luxurious and glamorous as people back at the country think it is.


But we are still thankful for the opportunity to be working here.


So selfishness is not self-centeredness.


It is self-sustainability of oneself in these very trying times.


And I continued documenting my report while J found extra food in the patients` wagon.

Thursday, October 16, 2025

Effem, Effem Paano Ka Ginawa?

Medyo effeminate ako since I was a kid.

Kaya naman hindi na nakapagtataka na madalas rin akong malait nung grade school and high school.

Eh ganoon talaga. Ito na ako eh.

Gusto mong magsumbong sa mga magulang mo kaso alam mong hindi ka naman nila maiintindihan dahil hindi rin naman sila bukas sa sekswalidad mo.

Ito ata ang naging pinaka-mahirap para sa akin habang lumalaki...

Ang pagtanggap ko sa sarili.

Ang pagtanggap ng iba sa akin.

Ang pagtanggap ng magulang sa akin.

Kaya naman wala na akong koneksyon sa aking mga kaklase nung elementary at high school.

At hindi ko naman rin hinahanap iyon.

Growing up effeminate in a Catholic country really was a huge disadvantage.

Hindi ka lang maagang namulat sa realidad ng mundo, kundi sa realidad ng pagkababaw ng mga pag-iisip ng mga tao.

Lalo na sa mga kapwa bakla.

Oo, sa kapwa bakla pa ako mismo nakatanggap ng mga hindi magagandang karanasan.

It happened.

Ang weird, ano?

Tayo itong nagsasabi na we are brothers and sisters because of our sexuality, pero kung tutuusin, hindi naman talaga.

We are not united by our sexuality, hence divided.

And I totally get it. Lahat tayo may mga hinahanap sa ating partner or friends or tropa.

Some would like to have a huggable partner to have. Some want athletic or slim.

Some would like to have a femboy. Some transman.

Some would like to have a manly gay. Some with a bit of flair.

Some would like to have someone mature. A lot with younger guys.

Pero sana, we wouldn`t discriminate each other just because they are not the same as us - wavelength and all.

We are all created beautiful in each other`s eyes.

And that is what we all need to accept.

That bias and discrimination will never set us free from the wraps of the earthly desires.

But if we allow people as they are, how wonderful each and every one is, then not only are you setting yourself for a life of thankfulness, but also a life of minimal-stress.

Tao ako.

Tao ikaw.

Tao siya.

Tao tayo.

Thursday, October 9, 2025

Of Goals and Plans

 


I have always kept a journal/organizer/planner ever since elementary days.


The reason was because my sister got one Looney Tunes-themed planner when she was in grade 6.


So the jealous me also bought one during Christmas. Although for Php99, it wasn`t really to that level. It was a thick, black one from National Bookstore.


Oh but I loved it so much!!! I wrote everything in it like there`s no tomorrow.


I would write lyrics of anime songs in it.


I would list down all anime characters on its pages.


I would buy these pretty expensive (as a student) gel pens just to make it more fany and personalized.


That organizer have stayed with me for years.


The next following years I have always kept one as my daily journal.


And these were all hand-me-down Starbucks planner from my older sister.


Nah, it doesn`t really bother me that I was always one year behind.


Over the years, my journals have evolved from just writing down animes, important notes, phone numbers, schedules, etc.


I also started writing down my goals and objectives for the years.


Ginagawa niyo rin ba ito?


Masaya siya!


Nakikita mo kung paano ka gumagaling sa mga plano mo sa buhay at kung ano pang mga gusto mong makamit para sa iyong kinabukasan.


So for the past couple of years, my journals have been riddled with monthly, yearly and even 5-and-10-year plans.


Ganoon ako ka-advance mag-isip.


Chour lang.


But lately as my perspectives of life are changing and how buddhist teachings allow me to let go and update, I have gone by on writing monthly-and-for-the-current year goals and objectives.


Meron rin pala akong around 15-item monthly goals. These may be personal or material or financial goals.


Examples would be:

1. More inner peace and happiness,

2. Better work practices,

3. Tom Ford Black Orchid Parfum,

4. Fly to Paris, etc.


Tapos every end of the month, I check if each item was completed or not. Para bang quiz.


Pag less than half ang nakamit ko, eh di try again next month. Nothing to lose. That means I need more to learn on how to spend my time, energy, and money.


Pag more than half naman, eh di very good. It is emphasizing that I have been very diligent on hitting these goals.


Honestly, hindi ko na masyadong iniisip ang soooobrang layong kinabukasan (like 10 years from now).


Nakaka-istress lang siya.


You move. You flow. You go with time.


Hayaan nating ang mga adhikain at mga gawain natin ang magsabi ng ating bukas...


Nagsimula na rin akong magsulat for 2026.


Ewan.


Nangati lang ako bigla habang umiinom ng kape sa umaga.


Naisip kong may mga gusto na akong simulang mga isulat para sa susunod na taon.


Hindi naman siguro masama iyon, di ba?


Hay buhay...


Sinimulan ko nanamang basahin yung  "A Little Life" ni Hanya Yanagihara.


Nahirapan akong basahin siya kahit 2 taon na ang nakalilipas. Mabigat ang librong ito, literally and figuratively.


Yun lang muna.


O siya, magpapanggap na ulit ako sa pagtatrabaho.


A plus tard mes amis.

Sunday, October 5, 2025

Ere




 I fell in love with this song the moment I heard it.


Ang ganda ng pagkakasulat...


May ingat.

May pagmamahal.

May pait.

May katarantaduhan.

May pagpapaalam.


'Di ba? Nakakaputang inaTayo'y lumilipad, at ako'y iniwan moOh, 'di ba? 'Di ba? 'Di ba? Pinagmukha mo 'kong tangaTayo'y lumilipad, at ako'y iniwan mo.


Naranasan niyo na rin ba ito?


Yung akala mong kayo na, hindi pala.


Anong pakiramdam mo?


Nasaktan?


Natuwa?


Nalungkot?


Nahimasmasan?


Andaming dumadaloy na pakiramdam.


Pero ganoon talaga ang buhay natin.


Napansin ko lang na habang tumatanda ako, mas nagiging realistic na ang mga pananaw ko sa buhay.


I don`t know anymore if fairy tales can still come true.


I also don`t know if true love`s kiss will also come true.


Is Expecting bad?


Is Hoping bad?


Is Manifesting bad?


Hindi ko iyan masasagot para sa lahat.


According to Buddhist Scriptures, the reason we still suffer is because of our attachments to the world.


Whether it be physical, emotional, material or mental...


Siguro nga kaya ako madalas nalulungkot. Dahil I am still longing for emotional attachment.


Kahit na alam ko namang hindi siya "kailangan".


Hindi rin naman ako naghahanap.


Masaya rin naman akong mag-isa.


Independence can be so powerful, if done right.


But it can get lonely, too.


It is the sacrifice one has to endure.


I still have a lot to learn from Buddhism and being alone.


Or to put it more simply, to being emotionally alone...




Tatlong bilyon, ikaw lang nga ang aking gustoPasensiya na kung ngayon ako'y 'di para sa 'yoTayo ay papunta na sa 'ting bagong yugto'Yokong mabuhay sa isang mundong walang tayo

Selfishlessness

 "G?" My colleague asked me while I was documenting on a patient. "Hmmm?" "Pwede bang maging makasarili kahit minsa...